Does Anyone Want to Have a Discussion About Needs ?

[Ami]

Dear MP
 I was trolled ,too. That is why I carry a big stick.          Ami

[Lupita]

Nircissist people do not suffer. They do not have insight. Their brain is wired in a different way. Just like Asperger have a wire differently, narcissist too. It has a lot of genetic and a part of environmental. Traumatic experience in early childhood and a special way they have developed theyr brain due to genes.

That is what I have been reading lately.

[Lupita]

Narcissists do not change because they do not learn. They thoughts are fixed. Even with proves of something in front of their eyes, their thoughts are fixedt, and sometimes they even recour to magical thinking. That is why their behavior is repetitive.

[Ami]

As far as the book, I never realized that different people percieve love ,differently.
 I love presents. I like to have the thing(whatever it is) and look at it or wear it and think that the person I love gave it to me.    Ami


PS Lupita, I think you are right about N's. They have no learning curve.

[teartracks]

Hi Ami,

This thread reminds me of a story a friend related to me.   A young woman worked in the food service industry.  One day, as she served a table, one of the guests looked at her and asked, what do you need.  Not an expected question right?  So the young lady said thoughtfully, What do I need...  The guest said, Yes, what do you need?  She said, I need my heater fixed.   She was a broke.  A struggling single mom.  It was the dead of winter and she had no heat in her home.    Ends up, the guest is the pastor of a church in her area.  He and his congregation got together and fixed her heater.  They did a good bit of follow up on the side of relieving some of her hardship. 

It is true, there are many kinds of needs.  The above story is true.  The young lady's response makes me wonder how many people in her place might have had too much pride to admit they had real needs.   Or perhaps been so flabbergasted that anyone cared that they would have gone numb and not been able to respond at all.

tt



 

[Ami]

You make some good points, TT.   Thank you     Ami

[Ami]

 I don't even know what the simplest need is, often. If I DO know, I feel like I don't deserve it.So, there are two layers to overcome.
 I have the need for honesty,within myself. I see how important being honest within yourself is(what you are thinking and feeling) and then expressing your authetic self, within the dictates of the situation.
 I was robbed of this honest need by "Who do you think YOU are?"
 That took the need and pushed it underground.
         Ami

[Ami]

I have the need to be treated with respect. I see that this IS a need. I think a person will wilt like a flower if they are treated disrespectfully,over and over. Even the courts have an abused wife defense. They must know that you do crack  under continual assault.
 Of course, there has to be some previous soil that allowed you to be there,first ,and stay.Your chiildhood, would most likely be that soil.
 Now, I am seeing this need in me ,and in others. It IS a need.
 I told my F that my H broke the lock to my door 4 times ,in a rage. My F said."That is life."
 I called my Aunt and said "Is that the right attitude?"
 My Aunt said"No"
 I had gotten so used to abuse that it was normalized. That happens when you don't see a way out.
 I have made so many mistakes,but do see a path out,now.A foundation is defining and meeting needs,I think.    Ami

[Overcomer]

One thing I know is that my mom's "need" is definitely to be the center of attention...........or to be admired................maybe Gary Chapman should write a new book.....THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES OF NORMAL PEOPLE AND THE TWENTY LOVE LANGUAGES OF NARCISSISTS.........

What CB said is true, I think.  Many people give what they want.  If you watch what people do you will probably figure out what they want.  If they give gifts a lot, they like gifts.  Me?  At work I give a lot of praise - what I want and need..

Some people love to be touched.  Maybe your husband loves to hold hands or to be hugged.  Maybe he wants you to watch a football game or play tennis with him.  Maybe he wants you to tell him he is your hero!!

I also love the book His Needs Her Needs.........that is specifically for marriage and talks about what men need (guess what #1 is?) and what women need.  They say if you give your spouse what THEY need, you will never face divorce...

Gary Chapman also wrote the Books  FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES FOR TEENS AND FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES FOR CHILDREN

[Ami]

LOL---about the book for N's. You should write it, Kelly. You have the raw material right there(lol)
          Ami

[Overcomer]

Very funny, huh, but true!

[Ami]

I think that with needs, you have to define your own ,meet the ones that involve  only you ,like being honest with yourself and others.After that, you can chose who you want in your life and give to them . What you get back is up to them. It may include wonderful surprises ,but it cannot provide the materials to make you.
You have to do that.      Ami

[Hopalong]

I need affection, physical affection. And I need to give it.

Other than sex. Though that's nice too.

It's taken me years to acknowledge my need to touch and caress, and I feel happier now that I have dumped the shame that made me always uneasy about it.

xo
Hops

[Ami]

As I grow and change, I get more aware that *I* must meet most of my needs.
I have a need for respect. *I* need to have self respect, first. Then, I can let people in my life and take people out who violate this need.
 I  need to do things that things that uplift me.
 I need to defend myself , when needed. That one  is getting easier, as I see that I do have value. It was my NM who tore down my confidence and trust in myself.
 I see that it was she who was wrong,not I. I was a normal little kid who was made to feel bad . If I faced the truth, I probably would have died from the pain. So, I took on the role that I was bad ,so  I could trust her. Inside, I always knew the truth. Now, I am facing it ,consciously.      Ami



 

[Hopalong]

Narcissists do not change because they do not learn. They thoughts are fixed.

I really agree with this Lupita...otherwise it would be too strange. Most things in nature DO change, but I guess "thoughts" or "personality structure" really don't.

I think I'll just repeat what I have realized. I need touch. I'm not talking about sex.
I need to hug and caress and stroke. Not all day long, just ... more.

My friendship with the gardener awoke me. He is the cuddliest man. He'd just clamp his big arm around me and all 150 pounds of me would feel safe, warm, harbor...

We don't do that any more but I kiss him on the cheek now and then. I'm so glad I had that relationship. And now, he's a friend. It actually did work out. A little suffering, but not long, and I know I have a lifetime friend.

Anyway, I think it's a need. HUMAN touch. Not an optional thing for me.
I survive without it, thrive with it.

I think I'm happier in myself since Mom moved out because she was so unaffectionate. And needing human touch, it's harder to live with an unaffectionate human than it is to live alone. For me.

(My dog Bagel has done a very good job with me, for the animal affection part!)

Hops