Does Anyone Want to Have a Discussion About Needs ?

[Ami]

For me, one of the most forbidden things was to have my own needs.
I was to take care of my M's needs to feel good about herself ,at all costs.
 I had no time or energy to even KNOW what a need was, let alone ,fill it.
 We all have needs, even if we don't know what they are, directly.
 I guess we will either try to fill them directly or indirectly.
 I hope to be more direct and that is why I wrote this thread.
  What would be some of your needs?Which ones can you meet yourself and which ones do you need from other people?     Ami

[cats paw]

Hi Ami,

  Big question, isn't it?  For starters, I think people, even "mature healthy adults" are interdependent.

  What the heck was that movie with Tom Hanks- the one when he was marooned on that island?  He met all of his own survival needs, because he had no one else to do it. Yet he still drew a face on that ball, gave it a name, (tried to make it a Thou rather than an it?) thus having a companion.

  Needs? Wants?  I was going to say I need for my H and friends to be honest and faithful, but I have to say I want that, because I
would be able to survive without it, even though it wouldn't feel like it.
 
  Is that along the lines of what you meant?   

  I was thinking about your six month mark passing.  Time can feel so variable during grieving.  I think I just identified what I think is
a need !  We are the ones who have to do the grieving, though others can hinder or help.  OK, before I get too circular, I'll end here and see what others have to say.

cats paw   

[Ami]

Thank you ,Cat ,for remembering. That was so sweet and meaningful to me.
I am trying to figure out my needs(maybe simply human needs)
 I am still thinking about them and will get back, later. Thank you, again, Cat!          Love  to you,  Ami

[James]

Ami......I like this topic and it's one that would do me good to participate in. I came from such a home where until a yr and a half ago I had no idea what a need was. Both my N parents obliterated any idea of me having them.  They fed and clothed me but they even made me feel guilty abt this because they had to spend their money on me. Emotional needs were almost no existant in my world at least as I was concerned. My child was bound in a trap where I filled their's rather than them filling mine. At some point I'm going to try here to list what I need at least emotionally. The N is frozen in childhood and feels/thinks like a child then clamors unconsciously to get his needs met even at the expense of his own children, not knowing what he is actually doing. The pain this brings to others as their anger flares up if they're not met can be ferocious. Happened to me, and also I noticed in myself me doing this sometimes without being aware....James

[Ami]

I am spending time thinking about needs.
I think we have a need for respect and for love.
I think we need to be honest with ourselves and feel like we have  integrity, our insides matching our outsides.
I am trying to think of some more needs.   Ami

[miss piggy]

This is interesting because right now the contrast between my aging parents is so glaring.  My D is so needy and selfish.  I told a social worker "my mother isn't allowed to have needs".  Of course I was speaking for myself as well.

I would have liked my D to protect me when I felt threatened or scared.  Of course, this was always dismissed as silly.  I would have liked my D to listen to me (voiceless!).  I would have liked my dad to want to do things with me.  And to do things I wanted to do (not his choice, but mine).  I would have like my D to let me sit in his lap like a child, or at least hold my hand.  I would like my D to say "hey, we all make mistakes, that's ok".   I would like my D to anticipate at least once what I might be feeling in a particular situation.  I would like my M to "take my side" when standing up to D or my brothers.  I would like my M to know her own needs and stand her ground instead of expecting her kids to fight those battles she won't fight for us.  I would like to feel wanted.

My H is very protective.  That one aspect of his personality is SO important to me.  I feel like an island and that I can protect myself, but I feel valued when someone wants to protect me as well.  (he also has a great dry sense of humor  ).

Anyway, great topic!  MP

[Ami]

 I was made to feel that ANY need made me a selfish monster. An NM does not want you to have needs cuz THEIR needs are what matters.
  I  need to feel my honest feelings.
 Then, I need to express them.
 I had an very honest interchange with a mother in the grief support group.  I told her that I didn't feel like I belonged b/c it is the parents fault in a suicide(IMO) I felt like she was not at fault(her son died from a medical mistake).
She met me in a deep place and we had a heartfelt talk. I bonded with her b/c I expressed my real feelings, not a sanitized version. That is my goal, for now, to feel my feelings and to express them. That is a need ,for me.
 I have more needs to write about, too.I want to think about them and write ,later. Thank you, Miss Piggy, Cat's Paw  and James for sharing !                Ami


PS Please do not dispute my feelings about suicide. They are mine and I do not want to open a discussion on them.Thank you.

 

[Ami]

It feels very strange to look at the subject of needs,to  try to figure out what they are and try to meet them yourself. I thought that if I met YOUR needs, you would meet mine and we all would be happy.That is so unreal.     Ami

[Ami]

Wow Bean
 There is a lot of wisdom in that post!                 Love and Peace,   Ami

[Izzy_*now*]

I say we have to look after our own needs
To look to someone to fulfull them, as we are today, is to be dependant.

Parents are to provide a child's needs when the child is dependant upon the parent.

I meet my own needs now!

[Ami]

How do you meet them, Izzy?                 Ami

[Overcomer]

We sell a book called the Five Love Languages.  I found out that my "love language" is nurturing words.  I love to be told I did well.  WEll, my mom feels she has so much knowledge and experience that she can train me.  (She said this just a year or so ago..............I bristled at the thought...)  He "training" was always a different perspective......so no matter what idea you came up with.......she had a better one.  If you write a memo, she edits it so it becomes hers.  If you do ANYTHING she can do better.  So I grew up with a mother who never said I did good.  My need is for someone to acknowledge I did well....

[miss piggy]

Hi Overcomer,

Oh, I love that book and thank you for the reminder about the five languages!  (No, I'm not mocking your need for nurturing words, I really mean it!  )  The five languages are:

nurturing words
acts of service
gifts
loving touch (hugs, etc)
quality time

It helps to know my H's love language (it is def. acts of service and quality time). 

I know how to express my needs...but my D would reject them readily out of hand.  So I stopped expressing them to him.  Then I stopped expressing them at work.  I denied myself a lot because it, even missing a good friend's wedding because I felt I couldn't ask for the time off.  I know now my boss was the kind of person who would have said "yes" in a heartbeat.   IOW I know what my needs are but I just feel I can't ask.

[Ami]

Dear Kelly or MP
 Could you write a little more about the book. Does it talk about what each person percieves as love(such as nurturing words etc)? Do we all percieve love differently?    Ami

[miss piggy]

Hi Ami

Hey!  You are not a selfish monster!!! 

I seem to remember the authors saying it takes some observation (for parents watching young children) to figure how which one of these "languages" the child seems to value most and therefore feel loved.  I will look at the book again to see what they say specifically and report back.

Gary Chapman is one of the authors, I think.  Cheers, MP