Forgive and Forget at their End?

[sunblue]

A woman I know is preparing a tribute to her dad for his funeral this week.  She will be weaving memorable stories together to remind everyone what a wonderful person he was.  Her dad was not N or even co-dependent.  She was raised in a fairly healthy family and she had what appears to be a normal, loving relatiatonship with her dad.

This situation has led me to think a lot about my own family.  My dad, who is co-D and an enabler of the Ns in my family, but not really is an N himself, is fairly healthy considering....But, I'm wondering if, as tends to happen whan a loved one becomes very ill or even passes, if the right thing to do is to forive and forget for the pain they've caused.  Are we supposed to forget the pain they've caused us and focus only on the smaller, pleasant moments they provided in our lives?

I recognize that while the woman I spoke of is feeling the full weight of her grief over her dad's passing now, we, as children of narcissists and their enablers, have had a lifetime to grieve.  We didn't get the mom and dad who wanted a relationship with us, who showed us joy and love and attention.  Instead of soaking up loving lessons our parents taught us and using them to create a better life for ourselves, we spent a good portion of our lives understanding, accepting and learning about the dysfunction of our families and grieving the loss of parents we never had but deserved.

I'm wondering how others have or are dealing with this.  Do you forgive and forget because they are your parents and because it is the "right" thing to do and because it may be the healthy thing for you to not hold on to resentment and pain....or do you merely recognize the contribution they made as a biological parent but not forget the pain caused?

[Gaining Strength]

You have asked the $64,000.00 question. 

I for one don't believe there is any such thing as THE answer but that each of us must find the answer that works best for us.  I am still working on the best answer for me.  But I have learned that there is not even a single solution for me but different answers at different parts of the process of healing.

 I have found that it is essential for me to plunge the depths of learning/remembering just what exactly DID they do and how was it carried out.  This is not such a simple question because so much of what transpired happened in the unconscious so my work is about bringing into the conscious what happened.

That done - my next job is a continuation of a long ago started process of detaching emotionally - getting to a place where I don't get triggered and don't react to their insanity and wretched unkindnesses and sabotages.  NOw that's the most difficult for me.  The letting go of resentment somehow fits into this process.  It's no small feat.

What a great question.  I'll be interested in hearing about what you decide for yourself.

[Ami]

Dear Sun
 I think you ask an important question , a crucial one.
  I have to face the truth about my past. Alice Miller calls it,"Know your history"
  It is a painful path filled with  grief, like a death.
 I am doing that now. I am having the emotional memories that I repressed come back and I am feeling what I felt as a child, hopelessness and despair.
  Once I face my history, I will understand my life. Then, I can understand my parent's life, I think.
  They had to be abused, too.
 HOWEVER, I can understand ,but not put myself in a position to be hurt by them,again. This might consist of NC or contact with a big stick.
 It took me a lifetime to realize that I had to get a stick and beat down all the N's with it. It just IS, with N's. They only understand force, not kindness.
 I have no idea what life would be like with other types of parents. With my GM, I never had to be "strong". She was kind to me. I had this with other extended family,but with my M,F, and H, I had to get that stick and whack it until they realized I meant business. Now, they do.
 It is sad,but it worked.
 I wish I had good news.
 Life with N's is sad, beyond belief. I know you know that all too well.             Ami

[Overcomer]

wHAT I think is that when they pass you suddenly think good things of them.  I know my aunt passed when she was 35 and no on says one bad thing about her...she is almost a saint.  So when my other aunt (who works at my store) told me some things about my Saint aunt I was flabbergasted.....no, not my perfect aunt Gladys!!

I think when my mom dies I will say things like, "she really accomplished a lot in her life.."  Or "she was always helping people...."

[Ami]

Dear Kelly
 I was thinking about that the other day. Scott was not a saint,but a real person with flaws and good points. I can make him a saint ,sometimes ,and I realized that it is not true and I don't want to do it.        Ami

[Overcomer]

You cannot kick them when they are down, I guess.  My grandfather was a rotten man.  A real rotten man.  Awful.  But in the end he lost his power.  People stopped cowtowing to him.  I see my mom losing her grip on people.  She no longer runs the family.....we used to hide our drinking.....now the next generation drinks right in front of her and she doesn't say a thing...............when my brother and I were in our 20s and my parents took us to Hawaii with our spouses I remember my brother asking my mom is it was alright if he ordered a Dos XX..........she said no and he didn't.  A month ago I was at my cousn's 40th birthday party and I had two glasses of wine.  Most everyone was drinking.  Yes, my dad still goes on and on about it but nobody cares.  My mom is being silenced slowly and it is ok with me.

[miss piggy]

This is really a timely question for me.  My ND is slowly fading but still driving everyone nuts with his demanding ways.  Knowing the fact that he was never really there for us is painful but true.  Knowing what is true helps me. 

Having said that, if I were to speak at his funeral (and I have thought about this a fair amount) I would be tempted to quote Dylan's Go not gently into that good night poem.  But in the end I would recognize that it is a public affair, much like a wedding, I would say what is most positive and most true and comfortable to say.  As Patton said, he may be an SOB, but he's our SOB...so I would stand up for the family.  I would do that for myself as much as for him. 

[miss piggy]

You cannot kick them when they are down, I guess.  My grandfather was a rotten man.  A real rotten man.  Awful.  But in the end he lost his power. 

This reminds me of an Irish joke...there once was an old man who lived in a small village.  No one liked him because he stole from the  blind beggar, snarled at the kids, and kicked the dogs.  One day he finally died.  The priest was praying over him in church and the few daily communicants that were there would not look up because they knew what was coming.  The priest asked "and now will someone come up and say a few words about this gentleman"  They all stared at the ground.  "What?  Will no one say anything?  One of our own has died!"  Silence.  The priest was furious.  Finally, in the back of the church, someone clears his throat.  "Yes?" asked the priest.  "His brother was worse!" came the reply.

[Hopalong]

This quote is a reply from Sea Storm on the James thread, but it fits here so well:

Now I look at the impact of the abuse and have sort of left my parents out of it.  They were just poor sods who did ot have a clue.

IMO, what matters is to heal yourself. I think it's natural that for a while, that may involve feeling profoundly angry, nay FURIOUS, BETRAYED, CHEATED, etc., etc. And "a while" = different amounts of time in different individuals' lives. Among the factors that may influence how long "a while" is might be:

genetic personality tendency
intellectual interest in or grasp of psychology
education, academic or common sense
wise friends or mentors or lack thereof
healthy or unhealthy spirituality

Stuff like that.

Long-winded comment shorter...I think the answer is FORGIVE IF YOU CAN, WHEN YOU ARE READY.

I think forgiveness isn't "willed"; it's something you "release into." For me, it's a happier way to exist. But i couldn't accomplish it by gritting my teeth. I had to just keep re-exposing myself to what I really did need. A positive community, kind people, empowering information.

I don't see any need to forget. It's what we've learned that helps us get & stay whole, eventually (otherwise, like I did for decades, we find a parade of Ns to hurt ourselves with).

xxoo
Hops

[SilverLining]

My N grandfather died about a year and a half ago, and that seemed to close the book on the N saga for his offspring.  Maybe it was relief that he was finally gone after many "close calls".    Forgiveness seems like a good goal, if it is honest and self driven.   In my experience N's are good at playing for premature forgiveness.   My parents have sometimes acknowledged how bad things were during my childhood years,  but it seems like a move to keep the game going.   The problem is they really haven't changed.  Once the offspring are lulled into submission, they go back to the constant talking about themselves and covert abuse..