HOw to

[Lupita]

How to discern?

How do I know he will not destroy me? I mean, not flirt or cheat, or leave.

I mean, clear your bank account, not that I have too much, just for my rent, but how to knoe that he is not going to ruin your career?

He is constantly taking pictures of me without asking me. No, nothing inappropriate.

He introduces him self against my will, when I meet somebody in the street or on the beach, I do not introduce him and he introduces him self, instead of giving me my space, and allow me to introduce him when I am ready to introduce him.

I told him yesterday. He said that he is going to see how he behaves today. We have a party today. I am giving a party in my beach apartment for our walking club. This was my party, and now it is our party.

I told him I do not want to live with a man, I have been alone for 20 years and he does not believe me.

He left his shaving cream in my bathroom, he put a short cut in my cmputer for some pictures that he sent me. He did not ask me.

He offered to defrag and erase my temp files in my computer because he is good in computers. I said, hell no, you do not go through my stuff. You tell me how to do it and I will do it my self.

I am setting boundaries, but he is so pushy.

But only pushy men can deal with me because I am so reluctant to every thing that if a man is not pushy I would never ever have  relationship.

This is our third week dating every single day. I donot know if I should tell him to back off.

OK, I do not want him to leave, just to give me space.

There are strict rules in my condo, where I rent, they  have lobby guards, and visitors have to register and residents have to write papers to allow visitors to enter the condominium.

He said, thet I did not have to worry because the guards already knew him. I said, I am not ready for the guards to know that I am dating, why did you make your self known?

Again, I donot know if he is trying to block me from any possibility, to mark me as his property, or to urinate on me as animals do to mark their territory.

Either he is needy or he is control frick or I am sick too for liking him. What is my contribution to encourage his behavior?

After my party today, wich now is our party, I have to give serious thought to this, either inmerse or bail out of this.

He reads wayne dyer, he likes self improvement, he is onto diet and exercise, he walks with me seven miles a day, he does whatever I want to do, he registered in salsa dancing classes just to be able to dance with me. He wants to see me everyday.

I like him a lot. But I am comfused.

Somebody help me.

[Lupita]

The thing is that when I was fat, and had a regular apartment nobody wanted to date me. I lost weight and suddenly more man want to see me and go out with me and I get an apartment on the ocean and suddenly tones of dates are coming.

If I stayed fat, I would not had anybody right now.

That is the problem.

[Overcomer]

Lup:  Take it from someone who doesn't listen to others regarding men...................take it slow.  I know when your heart feels that pitter patter it is hard not to let your emotions take over.  I think you are wise to be reluctant.  Also, do not get swept off your feet.  Get to know him.  Tell him.  Tell him you have been burned in the past and you need to take it slow and see how it goes.  If he really likes you he will stay the course.  Don't be stupid about it, just take it slow.  I have often told my girls that if you immediately hop in bed with someone you become a piece of meat.  He has to work very hard for you.............a priceless jewel.......

[Lupita]

Dear OC, I am surprised of such a wise advise from you. But you said it, you do not listen, but you know what is right. You sounded so wise, so thoughtful, your advise is giving me so much insight, you sound so insightful, so intelligent.

I have seen you complaining so much about your mother and your husband and not doing anything about it, but now, I am doing exactly the same. I thought you were immature, and Forgive me please for that, but now I see, that I am too. I am doing the same way. Getting involeved with a control frick and complaining about it. It is the chemestry of the foo, the constant abuse, it stays there forever. He makes me crazya about him, hemakes me crazy. It is the foo.

I relate so much to you now. It is the foo what makes us fall in the trap.

You sound like an adult.

Now I understand you.

I am behaving like a child now, but when I see other poeple's problems i advise like and adult.

You are adivising me like a wonderful woman that you are.

Thank you so much OC, for being non judgemental, I will listen to you. I will. I will take it slow. I promise you. I will make him back off. He is going too fast too soon, too much.

I do not have any family to protect me, I do not have any moeny, I have no cushion to fall in when he does if he does something bad to me. I have to be very careful.

OC, you are so deam right.

Thank you so much for writing.

OC, you are a wonderful woman and I feel very much shame that I thouht you were immature, you are a good human being with a huge heart and I apologize to you because I was not understanding why you put up with your husband.

OMG!!!!!!!!!

Now, I am entering something that could become a nightmare, I need to follow your advise and be prudent careful coutious, there are no words to express my fear.

Thank you OC for your advise.

[ann3]

This was my party, and now it is our party.

He left his shaving cream in my bathroom, he put a short cut in my cmputer for some pictures that he sent me. He did not ask me.

But only pushy men can deal with me because I am so reluctant to every thing that if a man is not pushy I would never ever have  relationship.

This is our third week dating every single day. I donot know if I should tell him to back off.

He said, thet I did not have to worry because the guards already knew him.

Hi Lupita,

IMO, these are very big red flags that he has the traits of an abusive person.  You yourself say he does NOT respect your boundaries.  RED FLAG

You have only dated him for 3 weeks??  Every single day??!!  Sounds like he is trying to take over your life & control you.

After 3 weeks, you ask yourself this question:  How do I know he will not destroy me?
 If this is the question that pops up in your mind, I say run.  On both your conscious & subconscious level, you feel he could destroy you.  

You are not listening to your gut.  You are not happy with him, but you are not listening to yourself & letting him take control.

This is the problem:  But only pushy men can deal with me because I am so reluctant to every thing that if a man is not pushy I would never ever have  relationship.  No.  Wrong.  You have a faulty, skewed, damaging belief about yourself and this belief will really screw you up, especially if you get further involved with him.  Please work on understanding why you view yourself this way.  Do you have a therapist to talk to?

I would not had anybody right now  Lupita, it is better to be alone than to have an abuser,  but alone or abused is not your only choice.  Work on getting rid of your bad self image and date men who respect your boundaries.

He makes me crazya about him, hemakes me crazy. It is the foo.   Yes, you're right, it is your FOO, but you already know that, so why play the game?  You allow him to make you  crazy.  He can't make you crazy if you don't allow him, don't play the game.

Lupita, this is a wonderful learning experience for you:  You recognize he is an abuser, and you're saying "Hey, wait a minute, you're an abuser & I see that & I choose not to play this game.  buh-bye". 

Next time, you will choose a nice guy who respects your boundaries & you'll take it slow.

Sorry I'm so forceful, just don't want you to get hurt.

love,
ann

[Lupita]

ann, probably I am getting too paranoid because of hs behavior, but you are right a bout something, I need to have a councelor.

You are right about that I feel he is trying to take over my life.

OK, here is what I am going to do.

I will try to enjoy "our party" today.

Sunday, I will tell him that I am too tired because he visitns me everyday, and with a very nice nice way, because I do not want to make him my enemy, I will make him to leave immediately after our walk everyday.

Let us see how understanding he is about that.

Thank you ann for your answer.

[ann3]

I hear you, Lupita, ease out of it.

I do not want to make him my enemy,  The fact that you think he could become an enemy shows that he is not your friend, doesn't repsect your boundaries.

probably I am getting too paranoid because of hs behavior  I disagree.  You are not being paranoid.  He is over stepping your boundaries.

But, Lupita, don't be afraid.  Calm down, feel your power, stay strong and handle him with a firm, but gentle hand.  He may try to scare you if he smells your fear, so try not to be afraid.

Tell the guards to not just let him come up.

Don't let the thought of him ruin your party, that would be giving him control.  Take back your power & have a good time and stay strong.

love,
ann

[Ami]

Ann
 YOU are a genius. I am bringing my next problem to you!                   Ami

[Izzy_*now*]

hi Lupita
First, I think every day is a bit  much for a new relationship.

I definitely sense he wants control

He is automatically thinking you don't know what to do on a computer by saying he will do this and that for you. (I can tell you how to dump your .tmp file and how to defrag, if you don't know)..you can say you have someone who helps you when you need that person, or that YOU are the only one to touch your computer. (After I left N, we were talking, as I needed peace not fighting, as I removed my name from the business. I was new with XP and he asked if he could come and use it just once, as he didn't have XP yet. Bad boundaries still for me and he must have installed Keylogger while at the computer--to spy on me. I found it with my sweepers and dumped it on my next maintenancce day.)

Taking candid shots of you is annoying, right? Maybe he thinks you won't pose for him, or maybe if he shows his pictures to others he can admit he doesn't know you---N/Ps will do that.

He is really infringing  on your private space, and once I learned about that, I can really tell, with my discomfort, if anyone is doing that.

If he is an okay guy and just does not know the social/dating skills, he could very well appreciate the kind way you are instructing him iin these social graces.

Good Luck
Izzy

[Lupita]

Thnk you Izz. yes I need your help in how to defraga and how to erase temp files.

Yes, he is controling, but I do not mind that. That is OK as long the controlling is just that, on our relationship, and not becuase he would like to clear my bank account, or he might destroy my teaching career.

Just to control, I do not mind that. I enjoy his company very much.

He walks, he diets, he exercises, he is doing everything I like. I dont mind him controlling or being the lieder, or him thinking that he is the leider.

As long he does not want access to my bank account, or he does not want joint credit cards, or he does not interfere with my son, or the things I like to do, he can control me. After all I have to work, there is not much to control.

He is very needy, I dont mind that.

As long as he goes to his house to spend the night, I dont mind the control.

There are things that I do care. If he does not mess with that, it will be OK.

The party was a complete success.

A woman was making passes at him and at the end of the night she was drunk and she sat on his lap, I told him, "did you take your medication?" he got mute, the woman said, where is his medication, I said, in my apartment, he got up the sit and walk away, I told the woman that i was not mad at her but at him. I told everybody he would be dead meat that night. I told everybody that he had epilepsy, which he did not have, but he did not care to fix that. Then I told everybody that he had a brain tumor, which he really had, but he will be OK. He did not fix that either. He did not even got mad at me for ridiculling him.

After everybody left, he and I had a huge fight and just made out and we are fine today. That made me relize that I do not want to lose him. And because of my reluctance to show our relationship to others this woman jumped at him, she would have never done that if she knew that him and I were involved.

We decided that from now on we would not hide our relationship.

I like him a lot. Hope that this works out. I am giving him a chance, and my self a chance to have a relationship for the first time in 20 years, twenty years.

I do not know if these are signs that he is winning the battle against my independence, or I am giving my self a chance to love for the first time in 20 years.

Hopefully, we still have this wonderful board, and I will keep you infromed so you can help me as usual. You are great help.

God bless you all.

[ann3]

Hi Lupita,

Glad to hear the party was a success.

I wish you happiness but please be careful.

I agree it's fine if he's a leader, but do you really want to be controlled?  Maybe you meant to use a different word?

I told everybody he would be dead meat that night. I told everybody that he had epilepsy, which he did not have, but he did not care to fix that.......He did not even got mad at me for ridiculling him.

Lupita, why did you say these things?  Why did you want to ridicule him, especially in front of other people?  Sounds like you are playing games.  Just my opinion.

Maybe I shouldn't post on this thread.  I don't think you like or share my point of view.

w/ love,
ann

[Izzy_*now*]

Hi Lupita
Don't lose your personal control to this man...in a way it is nice when the man 'takes the lead' in suggesting a movie, restaurant or something else, if you don't have any particular favourites.

I would like to read that you are using a some different words, i.e. control. leader, or your having to ask a grown man if he took his meds, just to get him away from another woman, unless he asked to be reminded...

Are you talking epilepsy and brain tumour to keep the other women away?

"I like him alot", you say! So, if your money/assets are still the way before you met him then you are okay. Don't lend him money.........it ruins a friendship is the best answer as it does, and ruins any relationship in or out of family.

If you are being friends only, is there an agreement about who pays, and when?

If you are 'put out' at him, tell him when you can, but not obviously in front of strangers. Don't riducule/get angry by proxy i.e. through someone else.

I will send another with pictures to help you defrag and delete unnecessary files.

Those sound like 'orders' but are meant lovingly

Izzy

[Izzy_*now*]

Defrag is done by the computer when you tell it to.

Click on the image below to make it bigger and take that route, from the START button. no image

When you click on Disk Defragment, another window pops up and click "Defragment".

WHY?

It's like a file drawer that someone not too coordinated and doesn't know ABCs, has been rifling through, removing a sheet of paper file from one folder, but returns it to another, many times over. So when you try to run a program, the computer wanders all over hell's half acre to find where all the files are, when they are not together.

Defragmet and all is well. Do about once a month.

Notice difference before and after.

IMPORTANT: Defrag when you are not going to be using the computer. Turn your SCREENSAVER OFF. (I put defrag on when I go to bed) It's as if you're trying to straighten out the file drawer and the blonde dipstick comes along and puts a Z paper into the A folder and the defrag has to go all the way back to A and start again.

Izzy

OK pictuire was too large for here.
START button-----> Accessories---------> System Tools-----> Click on Disk Defragmenter.

[Overcomer]

Hey Lup:  Well, I haven't been called immature for quite some time - a whiner, yes, but not immature.  Yes, I guess I am the queen of "do what I say and not what I do!!"

I tell you to be careful because I was not and now I am reaping the consequences of my poor impulse control.  I was trying so hard to shake my mom's control over me while she was trying to fix my last boyfriend that I jumped into this.  I realize now that to stick it to my mom is to stick it to myself......

The key is to not be impulsive but be careful.  I am living with a man who has a drinking problem.  Yes, I still love him but his disease is awful to me.

And yes, I complain about my mom but until now everything did not work out and I refuse to jump before I am ready.....that makes it worse than it should be.

Don't let him control.  Lead?  Yes, control, no.

[Izzy_*now*]

for deleting files--Click images below to make larger  OOPS--file pics too large to upload. You can follow this.

Open Internet Explorer. Go to Tools menu and choose Internet Options, then, see Delete? Click there and the 3rd picture comes up. You can read what these are for but Internet Files is the main one as there is a temp file for every page your view and every image on that page. If you open the Forum 10 x in one day, you have created 10 temp files, plus 10 image files.

Cookies are good but when I deleted mine, I lost the cookie to my bank account and since I cannot remember what my answers were to 3 questions, I cannot re-register. (WHAT WAS my favourite colour?) I have a cookie for the TV Guide and if it's deleted, I just have to re-type My Postal Code.

History is every page you visit and it is where people can see where you go. I have my History set for 0 days, so every midnight it clears.

Forms--take Google for instance--records whatever you type , so you can find it again with just the first 1-2-3 letters typed. It would clear all your forms data. I keep mine to remind me if I sign in there with an email address or an ID name as I am all over the world

Passwords---I would NEVER delete that

Let me know if you see this and do it and it works?  as well as defrag.
xx
Izzy