Relatives and Facebook

[Dawning]

Hello all...today I received an email notifiying me that one of my same-aged relatives wants to be added as a friend to my Facebook account.  My first reaction was to say NO WAY!  Then, my disassociation kicked in (or is it something else?) and it felt like idealism.  I really would like to have her as my friend - with all my other friends - but I feel I would be asking for trouble.  She has not been there for me when I've really needed her (especially in the last year when I uprooted myself with a major overseas move!)  Also, she is friendly with my mother who I need to keep at a distance for safety's sake.  The fact of the matter is that my family does not feel like a safe place and - right now - with a new job, a new place to live and the making of new friends...the most important thing IS safety, a sense of groundedness and security at all costs.

I can't even imagine why she would truly want to be *in* with my friends (who are the dearest people in the world to me.)  She has not been my friend.  Is she up to something?  The paranoid part of me says, yes!  And it is that paranoid (or is it realistic?) part of me that is the part I wish wasn't there, but it is. 

Thank you for letting me share.  I welcome feedback as always.

Love,
Dawning

[Gaining Strength]

This is based on my experience rather than out of knowledge of your particular circumstances and its values should be weighed with that in mind.

I tuned into your "idealism" and loved it.  By the end of your short post I was going back and forth along with you but as I pulled away I thought immediately that the "liking to have her as a friend" in contrast with NO WAY was exactly the ping-pong battle we go through with N family members.  We long to have them in our lives because they are family and yet, with great sorrow, we really must cut them loose because they are the source of so much pain and torment.

paranoid isn't paranoid when the threat is real!  Wishing it wasn't there is what we all wish and that is the unfortunate longing for love, inclusion and normalacy that keeps us hooked into people who will do us harm.  Cut loose - dont' mix her poison with your dear friends - keep them set apart for you.

Best Wishes in sorting this all out.

[Sela]

Hiya Dawning,

It sounds like you're not sure you're feeling paranoid

And it is that paranoid (or is it realistic?)

.

There's something about that word (paranoid) that seems to imply a really, really negative meaning anyhow.  I prefer to use the expression:  "My gut instinct".

It sounds like your gut instinct is telling you to say: "No" and to steer clear of this "relative" of yours.  I vote for listening to our gut instincts.

If this person is seriously interested in being your friend (which you have stated she has not been, in the past)......then  she will find other ways to contact you that aren't so bold (and where you might feel safer in responding).  If she has any respect for you at all, she will show it.

If not.......do you really need someone like that in your life?

Sela

[Hopalong]

I would say NO.

My D has just gone through something horrible...my brother (her uncle) invaded her My Space "space" -- made photocopies of what he disapproved of, and mailed them to all our relatives on one side of the family. I would never, ever, have anticipated this.

Her choice was to make her My Space private, so only people she specifically invite can log in and see it.

I would not add a relative to space I enjoy sharing with friends.

Given my indiscretions and garrulousness of the past, I'm just grateful I am past the age when social networking via these kinds of sites is likely for me...

Maybe you could say, My policy is not to open my MySpace page for relatives, but if you'd like to get closer, let's find another way.

Errgh. DO TRUST YOUR INSTINCT.

xo
Hops

[Dawning]

Thank you for the replies, as always. 

Hops, I am over that guy...he lives in my neighborhood (sometimes) and I have moved on...we still get together sometimes but I am fully aware of his limitations and I can't accept them - my soul can't accept them and I am listening and trusting my soul more than I ever have before in my life.  I think that is why I needed to move back to the states...to learn things that I was ready to learn.  What you were telling me, before I made the big move, intellectually made 100% sense but I wanted to believe in my own idealism and so it is with this relative of mine that is the subject of this post.  I still get hiccups sometimes.  I think that is what therapists call disassocation.  My hiccup is the idealism...coupled with the fact that I get a sense of ownership from having the ideals.  But what I want to be (my desire) and my gut instinct are different and I am now aware of that.  As hard as it is, I have to learn to love and OWN my gut instinct.  ((((((((Sela))))))))

I appreciate the replies...I have no trust whatsoever with regards to the motives of my bio-family.  But I do trust myself and the members of this board have helped me so much.  I feel selfish here sometimes; like I am needy - but I am needy and this is the only place I can go now and BE needy.  Thank you to those who relied to this post from the bottom of my heart.

Love,
Dawning

 

[Hopalong]

And how useful could ANY
VESMB-er feel if nobody needed us?

So we can need back when we need to?

xxoo, hugs to you Dawning, you sound so clear...

Hops

[bean]

hi Dawning,

then just Ignore

honor your feelings

bean