Hi all,
Woe$ are: the bottom line is that Mom's income is $1500 short per month to cover her nursing home care, and mine is $500 short to live on (including my paying the mortgage). My long-term guests are giving me something each month toward utilities, but I am still $500 short.
So: to take care of Mom, I'll be getting more from the house equity. Increasing that loan will be another payment. I'm getting the lawyer's advice Monday or Tuesday, but I'm a little frustrated about his comprehension. Anyway, he means well.
What my brother's attack has accomplished is ultimately that both his and my inheritance will now be gobbled up, because if he had not attacked me legally, we would have the house transferred to my name by now, and Mom on Medicaid. And his third would still be protected for him. I don't think he was smart enough to think through the ramifications, so instead, I'm blocked from accepting rent that would help me maintain the place, Mom can't get Medicaid because he blocked the house transfer (would have been allowed under Medicaid because I was her caregiver), lawyers are getting lots of our money and it's a mess.
Personally, I am exhausted. I slept until 2:30 today. I must get another job, so am about to start tramping the sidewalks for an evening/weekend retail thing. But I'm so tired from the fast-paced 40 hours I do already, plus worrying about all this and visiting Mom, that I am concerned what it'll do to my health.
The whole thing's a mess.
The happiness part is interesting: there's a very nice man, 4 years my junior, who's new to my church. We've been seeing each other about twice a week for a few months. He cooks for me, we talk and walk. He's very bright, was at one point a very successful software engineer. Lived a yuppie life until his marriage ended. I think he really likes me. I like him too. But I'm a little afraid of involvement. What I do like is that although there's attraction, he has respected my need to go very, very slowly. No pressure, and he is gentle.
Downsides: he drinks a lot. (I know, if one maintained an automatic checklist, one would toss him. But I find it hard. What's it to me if a gentle man drinks more wine than I find healthy? It certainly doesn't make him mean or anything.) He's very fit. And attractive. He has had relationships with younger women but says now that he's realizing the limits of connecting through a big generational difference. He seems interested in making a relationship.
Okay, y'all, please understand that I have never, ever, been attracted to conventional people. In tough times I have told myself, woman, what you need is a Republican dentist!! But line 'em up and I have always gone for the eccentric, the rebel, the different, the unusually sensitive, etc. So....here's the thing. This time a year ago he was homeless, and for the second time. He had grieving to do over the early loss of his father, he'd been passive about going along with others' ideas of happiness and he got a brain tumor that wiped him out financially. And, he was stubborn. Rather than ask a friend to take him in, as he was in a new state on his own, he just quietly decided to go sleep in the woods. So he did that.
His sister who goes to my church basically went and collected him after the local police contacted her. And he and she are very happily rebuilding their relationship.
The other day I was emailing him a few job openings I'd seen...and last time I was there it turned out he'd had an interview that morning! He's really quite brilliant and it's possible he'll go from almost nothing, to right back up the ladder. Anyway, he's meanwhile gotten accustomed to living very, very simply. And his spiritual learning from his experiences have made him someone I admire.
Particularly during this time when I'm very afraid of losing my own home and security. He's good company. And likes to be helpful to me. Having gone so many years feeling alone with all the worry, it's good to have a friend. Who acts like one.
I'm writing this now because I feel I'm nearing the tipping point of getting more emotionally involved, and that is scary.
Not because of who he is, but because I fear my own dependency, vulnerability to abandonment (not that he's threatened it, but he "likes his freedom".) He's mentioned he knows a couple who are devoted to each other but maintain their separate residences. I think when he said that he was trying to reassure me when I said something about liking to go very very slowly...not distancing himself. And he remarked, and who knows, I could even get married again, but I'm happy to let it unfold.
It's me who has a hard time letting things unfold. I have so often leapt from first gear to fifth and been terribly hurt when it didn't turn into commitment. So here's somebody actually offering to give me all the space and time I need, and I'm afraid I might clutch onto it.
At the same time, I think he's the kindest and gentlest "suitor" I've had in a long time, and I can visualize a shared life, I think.
What do you think? (Believe me, I know the homeless episode/s are freaky to hear about. But I've gotten to know him and it doesn't alarm me.)
love
Hops
