Need Advice...re: Marriage - too much info warning

[Overcomer]

I need some REAL advice.

You know I have been complaining about my alcoholic h.  I finally gave him the ultimatum..........stop drinking or I will divorce you.  He finally admitted he could not just drink a little.........whenever he starts drinking he will drink everything in the house..........so from that stand point all is good.

So I have this new job at the furniture store....I work my butt off.  I come home to a man who is laid off for two months.  He does not do a thing while I am gone.  It snowed and all the pool toys are around the pool covered in snow.  I mentioned that they needed to be brought in.

Then I am discontent with him in all areas.  He comes up to me and says, "wanna do it?"  If I say ok, he jumps in bed, lies on his back with his eyes closed and waits for me to come over there and warm him up, sorta speak.  So I told him the other day that I wanted some romance.  I wanted to kiss before we "did it."  So I told him to brush his teeth and so did I and we got in bed and he could not kiss me.  He turned his head the other way.  He could not caress me.  He wants to do all the stuff but no romance.  I know this is common with men......

But here is another thing.  He lives in his own little world.  This world of Journey the band, and his engineering and his childhood and the economy.  I come home from work and he goes on and on and on about nothing I care one bit about.  He doesn't really ask me about my day.  He doesn't want to go to movies.  He doesn't want to rent movies and watch them.  He doesn't want to have a nice meal at a restaurant...................if we do go out to eat the conversation is all about the above.  Journey. engineering, his childhood and the economy.  He is missing something.  He is stupid.  He doesn't engage.  He is not a part of my family.....we have been married for six years and my kids hate him.  He never vacuums, cleans, does laundry or anything else.  He sits on the bed and watches tv.......if I ask him to pick up my daughter from school he will do it and thinks that one thing that one day is enough....

I basically cannot stand him.  He is boring and stupid.  Everything he does makes me mad (or should I say, doesn't do..........)

I want a divorce........should I just tell him I do not love him anymore and just get it over??

[Gaining Strength]

The position you are in with your husband sounds bleak.  It is depressing.  From what you write there is not "recovering" what you once had.  It doesn't sound like you ever "had" anything much either.  On the other hand - he is a human being and it has sounded for sometime that you expect him to do nothing, to be boring, to be a dud.  Those expectations can go a long way. 

As crazy as this sounds, I encourage you to approach this problem with compassion.  Tell him, with compassion for him and for yourself - a human beings with real feelings - that your marriage as it is does not work and that you are not willing to let it continue this way.  Talk with him - with compassion for him and for yourself - about whether either of you would like to do something about it and if so what.  What do you want a marriage to be?  What does he want a marriage to be?  Most of all I encourage you not to make the decision to end your marriage a unilateral decision.  That lacks all compassion and as dreadful as your marriage is you are not a compassionless person.

[Overcomer]

Good advice............but his does not "get" it.  He really doesn't.  I have had these conversations with him.  I told him I wanted to kiss.  He turned his head and kept his eyes shut...............slam bam............raunchy sex.  He keeps his eyes closed unless there is a boob or a private........then he opens his eyes.  Does that mean that he is fantasizing about someone else???

I cannot stand him

[Ami]

I think you have a bad sex life b/c you cannot communicate with him,in general.
I think that if you stay ,it will have to be a decision that you make independent of feelings or anything external. I don't think the marriage will be fixed fast or maybe,ever.
 I think your choice is "Do you stay, as is, b/c you value marriage per se?
 At this point, that would be the only reason to stay, as I see it.
 I stayed for that reason and if I could go back, I should have left.
   Ami

 

[ann3]

Hi Overcomer,

Why don't you see a marriage therapist on your own (w/o him) & discuss your feelings before you make a move?

I know you have made some big changes in your life.  Congrats on the job.

Sometimes, when we change one aspect of our life, we want to change other aspects as well.  So, you changed your job, got away from NM and now you want to change your marriage.  Sort of like re-decorating:  We paint the room a new color and then we see that the carpet doesn't go with the new color, so we have to change the carpet.

If you are thinking of divorce, maybe speak to a lawyer about whether you will have to pay H support since he is out of work. 

xoxo
ann

[gjazz]

OC: It's so hard to give advice from afar, but one thing stands out to me, and that is "from that standpoint all is good."  I'm not an expert on alcoholism, but I do believe it's awfully tough for alcoholics to decide one day to stop drinking and actually have that happen.  They might not drink for a few days, sure, but then...it's right back to square one, so to speak.  And as long as you are dealing with an alcoholic, you are trying to have a relationship with someone who is not there.  He may not be drinking, but he's thinking about it.  He may try to think about other things but it's still there, lurking.  That's what you seem to be describing here.  Someone passive, depressed, hopeless, unable or unwilling to lift a finger, waiting for you to make everything happen in his life, right down to sex.  I don't blame you at all for wanting to be rid of this.  The question for me would be: do I want to be married to the man he will be in two years, provided he doesn't have a single drink in that time?  Will he be a totally different person after a real, prolonged detox period?  Is he willing to seek help now?  Will he be able to sustain sobriety for the rest of his life?  Because if he's addicted, that's what he'll have to do to winch himself up out of the bog.

[ann3]

Good point, gjazz: If he's an alcoholic, will he really give up drinking & change permanently?  That is a tall order and a tough road.  He would really have to become a new, different & changed person.  Is he committed to changing himself in a major way?  OC, you can't make him change, he must want to change.  Lots to think about.

xoxo,
ann

[Overcomer]

Yeah.....I think he is depressed because he is laid off, AND he cannot drink..............so he kind of sits there on the computer and does who knows what....I am thinking he is probably looking at porn.........

meanwhile my exboyfriend and I met.......we kissed and I felt awful!!!  Plus I was NOT attracted to him at all.....but I think he was to me....so now I have to deal with THAT!!!

[Overcomer]

He is not drinking......but he has too much time on his hands and is just so.....................boring.  The ex boyfriend thing was a mistake plain and simple....I kissed him and backed waaaayyyy off....I told him it felt wrong to do it.............I couldn't get out of there quick enough......

I think my h is just an extremely boring person...

[Ami]

How are you doing, Kelly?     Ami

[Lupita]

Dear OC, you are displaying so muc lack of self esteem! How can you be with a man who does not give you anything that you deserve?

You work, you sustain your family, you do not need a panhandler sitting in your sofa. Why do you think you have to have somebody at your house to feel compete?

He does not love you. He probably does not love anybody.

I am not telling you what to do, but if I were you I would kick him out since yesterday.

You saved your self from your mother, how can not save your self from a stranger who is a vampire parasite?

Your kids deserve better. I think.

I hope I do not sound hard. I am just trying to help. You are a wonderful person and you deserve better.

He does not kiss you because he does not like you. That is what I think. I am so sorry.

My love to you. God bless you so much. Get strong! You do not need your mother and much less a husband who does not work and does not help and does not even want to kiss you.

God bless you.