dont know how to call this

[Lupita]

I copy and paste this sentences from possybear because I just felt like that.
Today my mother sant me an ugly letter and made me feel very fearful.
That is why I am posting this.

"It’s been a painful day for me for as long as I can remember, and now, eight years after completely detaching myself from my N mother, she still finds ways to get to me on the day when she knows I’m most vulnerable."

I do fear my mother despite all my work. Sje hates me and I feel very lonely despite my son is here with me.

I do not dare to go NC I do not know why.

I feel very sad.

Feliz Navidad.

[Hopalong]

I am so sorry she causes you fear, Lupita...
what a shame that this creeps in on the day of peace...

Perhaps your New Year work will be to find out more about that fear.
Why you have it rise in you, again and again.

What are you fearing, and how it starts, and what triggers it, and how (perhaps?) you feed it with your thoughts, and what detachment, true detachment from her, would do in your life.

It might mean that for the new year your only task is not to do anything...but to imagine something.
Over
and
over.

Imagining the day when nothing, nothing another person does or says, will frighten you.

I wonder...does any of it have to do with her teaching? Or even her interpretation of religion?
Were you ever threatened with god's displeasure when you were young?
Did your mother make you feel that obeying and fearing her was what a good girl should do?

I am just wondering if that might be where it began.

Once you understand the beginning, you can begin to create the end.

Much love to you, a new year is coming!

Hops

[Lupita]

Did your mother make you feel that obeying and fearing her was what a good girl should do?

I have to be totally devastated humilliated, suffering, sad, with horrible problems over me for her to feel a little sympathy for me.

It is painful.

She keeps me distant. She kicks me out in many ways. Then complains that I am far.

She is a monster. Just like my x-husband. I wish that god brings me peaceand allows me to forget about them and feel alittle bit of security in my own capabilities.



Imagining the day when nothing, nothing another person does or says, will frighten you.


I dream of that day!

[Lupita]

I have not talked to my sister in 12 years and now my brother doe snot talk to me anymore.
I wonder if my mother has something to do with it.
It feels very lonely. But I am growing up. Not as lownly as it used to.

 

[towrite]

Lupita- it sounds like you and I are in similar situations. I have never had my NM's hatred of me so pointedly demonstrated in an undeniable way as this Christmas. It was impossible not to see and feel it. And my only brother doesn't speak to me. I also fear my mother to the point of a racing heart and trembling hands. I must stop allowing her access to me - she has beaten me up for 64 years and I must remove myself from this cauldron of pain. The only way I know how to do it is to cut off all her access to me. Today I am very sad b/c every time I revisit what she did on Christmas Day, the sadness comes back.

Maybe the New Year is the time for both of us to work on our NM fear, like Hops suggested.

[Lupita]

Unfortunately, there are some similarities. I was the scapegoat of my mother. Big time. She hates me for no reason.

She did not call me for my birthday but she wants me to call her just to chat. I told her that I will send her an e-mail just like she did.

She threatened me with "telling my brother for the way I treat her"

I do not like the experience of having a serious boyfriend and I feel so bad that I started eating and I gained 10 pounds. My clothe do not fit anymore.

I am going to start tango lessons and he wanted to take them, but I said, no, I want to do something on my own. "You cannot do everything with me"

I told him that if he wants to save this relationship he has to back off.

Fortunately my job is going fine.

I am getting more awareness and presence in life. Assertiveness is coming in a very slow slow slow process. But it is coming.


I am in my apartment, looking at the ocean and having peace, anyway. Relaxing and having a coffee.

[Hopalong]

Tell me when you see dolphins!

Amaaaaaaaaaaaazing, looking at the ocean and drinking coffee.

It's about 40 degrees outside but bright and sunny.

I've been listening to Elgar with my old pooch, who's lying on the rug.
My laptop is on my lap and last night I paid my bills. Felt so good to take control and look at a plan.

I'm doing more paperwork now and every day, I feel more as though

this
is
HOME

(No Nmom, no Nbrother...just me, friends when they come by, and peace...)

I'm off now to do more work.

xxxooo

Hops

[Lupita]

Hey!!!! I see dolphins almost everyday. I went kayaking on the ocean here, and dolphins were wondering around the kayak. It was amazing. I started feeling too much comfortable, until a big wave came and tossed me over and fell down the sea. I swam and W resceued the kayak.
The water was very very called but I was so scared, that I did not even feel the cold.

Now I see the waves with more respect.

God sent me a lesson. Never sit too comfortable. You have to be present, to be aware and to be alert. Cannot sleep walk through life.

I still do not know why W sacres me. I feel creep out of him. Why, he does things similar to my mother.

I am pushing him little, by little. Hope he becomes my friend. I do not want an enemy.

[Lupita]

I think it bothers me that he has infiltrated him self in every single activity I have. I wish he was not in the walking club. I wish I only did kayaking with him and ocean activities. He is adventurous and that is exciting but it is not reason enough to have alove relationship.

I wish he only did the kayaking with me. Why does he have to do everything with me?

I organized a walk yesterday and 15 poeple showed up. I wanted to depart with everybody and talk to everybody bu W wanted so much my attention taht he dod not let me do my thing. I felt trapped.

This is the problem. He always wants more than what I am willing to give.

At the end I could make new friends despite him, but he wants so much to monopolize me that he drives me crazy.

I want to talk to thers and he does not let me. He does things that prevents me from doing it.

[Lupita]

I see that I keep going aorund and around the same subject and do not give it a solution. I am afraid of the solution. What do I gain from it? Why do I not cut it from the root?

A part of me wants the kayak and teh ocean activities and a part of me wants the freedom of going dancing on my own and have opther friends.

This "couple" things creeps me out.

I hate it!

[Lupita]

It seems that he wants me to hurt him. Do I have to say something ugly for him to understand what I want?
Why does he want to make me look bad?
He wants to say that he is a wonderful good mand and I am bad because I refuse to spend all my time with him?
I hate to spend all my time with one person.
Today I will try not to see him. I want to be alone.

[lighter]

Lupita.... when someone ignores you're NO's..... and continues to try and turn them into YES'..... they're sending you a message.

They're saying they don't care how you feel, that you don't matter.... that only their feelings are important.

You can become confused..... or accept the reality and make healthy decisions. 

You don't need his permission to protect yourself.

It makes me sad that you feel you must remain nice, keep saying YES to him, or he'll  become an  enemy.

There's a reason you feel that way, Lupe.

The little voice inside you....

knows things.

Trust yourself, and see what happens.

What advice would you give your son, in the same situation?

Lighter

[Lupita]

I sent him this e-mail.

Dear W,
I have been giving it a lot of thought and I will be honored if you are my friend. I miss very much my life of going out on my own. I cannot continue with the kind of relationship that you want.
You are a wonderful person and you deserve a woman that will devote her life to you. I am not that kind. I have too much going on in my life.
We can continue with all the wonderful activities that we have developed, in fact, I would enjoy very much that. But it has to be kept strictly that, a friendship. I cannot see you every single day.
I really miss my life going out with other people, and dancing, and not devoting all my free time to one only person.
If you still want, I would love to help you with the salsa classes and go kayaking, Powerpoint, Spanish lessons, trip to Mexico, etc. But I have to be free as I was before.
Please, be my friend. I love you as that. As a wonderful friend and as the wonderful person that you are.
Please, respect my wishes and leave me alone for a few weeks. We can talk in a few weeks. I need to be alone for now.
A bad arrangement is always better than a good fight.
With love,
Lupita

I do not know why, but I feel fearful.

[Lupita]

Lupita.... when someone ignores you're NO's..... and continues to try and turn them into YES'..... they're sending you a message.

only their feelings are important.

It makes me sad that you feel you must remain nice, keep saying YES to him, or he'll  become an  enemy.

This realy hit me in the face.

[lighter]

Lupita...... at some point you'll figure out you're in control of your boundarie.

It's OK to care for people.....  the way YOU need to care for them.

You don't have to care the way they need you to.

It's OK to state a boundarie, calmly, and explain that you'll end the relationship if they can't respect it.

It's not so easy to enforce, I realize..... but learning to enforce your boundaries is important.

Now...... about the fear.

Are you afraid he'll continue blustering through your boundaries (physically and emotionally......) or is it something else?

What exactly, do you think your fear is telling you?

You're a grown woman, you're not married and you're are in charge of your own life.

Lighter