So now I am getting a picture as AN ADULT to be able to put somethings together....
I'm getting older and I'm doing my own thing now. I have ventured out as did most of the kids from all the blocks. We now are forming Teen Friends because we can move off the block. Old enough.
I'm a good kid and a kid who has a mind of her own. Don't get me wrong..I was a rebel to but only certain things I would try and hope to God I don't get caught and other things Never want to try.
We hung out in the parks. There were three and different groups in each one. In ours were two sets that didn't always get Along.
Drama, Drama, Drama...My b/f cheated on me with you, you slut, I don't like that look you gave me and other times we all would sit and Sing together...Yes we Sang Alot...Huge groups..one of my favorite things to do..Imagine me and you and you and me, No matter how they tossed the dice it Had to be, SO Happy TO GET HERRRRRRRRRRRRRR....then we would be just a fighting up a storm other times.
We would sneak and do A, Ma can I have 3$ for the Dance tonight, Ya sure, $ 1.25 for a bottle of Sangria and a pack of Smokes and if we all chipped in Won Ton Soup later on so we didn't feel sick. Don't know what it was about that Won Ton Soup.
I also don't know how we did it. We drink, be home on time, sober, or so I thought we were...or just that different times..of HOME ..NIGHT, luv ya. We even had KEG parties and the Cops would come but never take us Home...something we feared..OH NO the BUCK IS UP. They just take the kegs, hmmm.
Oh and one night it was not so happy together for ofcourse....you were looking at my B/F and I was not but pulled by the back of my hair and down me and this girl went...and I wound up with a Chunk out of My leg from falling on a bottle...off for stitches...My mother calling my dad in the room...She IS DRUNK...OMG SHE IS DRUNK...And I'm saying No, I'm tired...bleeding all over...My Dad giving me the LOOK..oh no you didn't...and off to the hospital we went to be fixed then have my ass handed to me...
I also don't know how we just stand outside the liquor store and ask can you get me and hand a LIST.. and they did it.
Now some of the older siblings were off into Herion World and it was bad. The younger ones were some of my friends and doing what we were doing and then as time went on some of them were Lost to the Same thing...
We were all mixed with all different strenghts of our own and some who were Lost as Time Kept going on...The thing is we were bonded and we did not give up without a Fight..we would fight, fight, fight to save another and hold on till you had to let Go.
I can name:::::
Abusive Father later on Abusive Son(friend) who kicked the shit out of the G/F in front of everyone...She never said a word before we seen it happen.
Son who's father left and was abusive to the mother. Mother worked her butt off, kind decent, hard working woman. Son who hated his father, protected his mother and little brother, left school to work to help support the family and protected with his life...threw himself in front of the little brother and a knife wound including going through a store front window...
Friend who use to have to run home and make sure dinner was ready for her father. Come back out later. Sitting in the Pizza shop called home because an ambulance was at her house. Her father died.
When she returned to hang out again expressed how sorry we were to find out that the Family Felt Free'd of Fear. He was abusive.
Friend who's parents were very respected in the community Were terrible Alcaholics at home.
Friend who all her brothers were lost to Herion and then she turned to Herion and had to let her Go.....
Friend who was so drunk one night she was passing out and not staying awake...Us friends ...who would have Hell to pay and our Asses handed to Us by our Parents KNEW enough to take her home to her mother in a cab...and tell Mom ..Something is wrong..Mom didn't look upset at all and never took her to the hospital...And I was dead meat but did the right thing.
Friend who partying with another friend drinking Vodka and his friend laid back went to sleep he went to wake him and he was dead...That Friends life changed and he became an alcaholic himself and could not get over it...and held himself responsible.
And maybe that is how I got myself into what I did and how I got myself OUT...Things in my ex were all to familiar to me.
The bars on the corner, the boys stopping for drinks, problems, but something I knew and did not Know...Hands put on Me... something that was never done to me or that I had seen from my father, anything he did I had never seen from my father...yet.. things that I had seen and was familiar with....
The only thing I had heard when I was little was...Yes..sometimes my father would stop with the boys and come home later then he should of. My mother was not about to keep her little voice little and do an Oh boys will be boys and let my Father have it....and I heard...more times then I should have...I guess they were having some problems about this....and I would hear.....GET THE HELL OUT....and Freak...NO DADDY...DON"T GO...MOMMY what ARE YOU DOING....I HATE YOU...
My dad was a gentle person but not without Fault and Mistakes yet...he hand none with me..nor did I understand. Sure my father was being a BUTT and not ALL that Golden and my mother who I had seen as my Main Female Figure.. out of control...WHAT ARE YOU DOING ....STOP HIM... my fears of abandonement...I think. I was more afraid of them abandoning each other...and they Had No Clue, None what so ever...how a child was being damanged. Neither did I.
You know when I was with my Ex..I was so deseprate to Fix things...and would do the and I did...GET THE HELL OUT I would FREEZE..oh no.. what if he does...what if he doesen't come back....when I knew he shouldn't had and would be so Mad at myself and so in conflict with myself of WHY the HELL aren't you DOING IT.....because then he may just leave... So what was I tryng to hold on to....and who? My father. Old unresolved issues of fears of abandonment...I think so. Yet, I had that fight in me...fight, fight, fight for yourself...only sometimes I didn't know how to let Go..and when to..
I had to do that Time line like PR talks about...and this is what I find...
So I try to find balance for my children in life and Hope I don't make to many mistakes and do think that although my children appear to be Just Fine with thier father that there will maybe someday be and Issue with Abandonment feelings (I hope not) but just may be because they Were.
So I went back to my parents and thier childhoods as far as I could. I couldn't with my grandparents and I can see that ...My parents were 100% loving NOT N or P but not without mistakes and me very effected by somethings...and when I became vulnerable..I repeated a pattern and old Issue....and still tried to resolve it NOT EVEN KNOWING what I was doing....Until I knew.
Now I'm married to a Country Boy and Grew up SO different then I did, while he was fixing his cars, A jock, and who had the better car I was drinking and smoking a Cig and would have thought ..OMG.. your SUCH a DORK...
So Life Goes on to my childrens Generatin now..so they say the ME one...Argh..do we ever get it right...and Well he's a little bit Country.. AND I'M A LITTLE BIT ROCK AND ROLL...and yes..my NEW YORK...still comes out!!
We do have lots of laughs though. He will say to me..Ugh! Flatlanders...How U Doin, can u get da suga...Do you realize that when you get together with your friends the accent gets thicker and I have no clue what you are saying sometimes...Yeah sure I can understand him and his when they talk about the snow flying and it's going to be a bad winter because the squirrles tails are Fluffy...or you eat Pork the day after New Years or you will be itchy for the rest of the year.
And I wonder what my kids will think about mine...
Oh and as for my children. Well I'm sure they have pulled things over on me. They were NEVER LIKE ME though...and I'm not sure what I would have done..Either kick in to Matrix Moves..Faint..I don't know. I always spoke to them about things though. Told them don't be foolish..I'm not that Old..and don't be afraid to tell me things I may get hysterical but I will calm down and they still might be Dead Meat but Calm.
So far I have heard many years after:: Even my little one keep a seceret for his older sister who ran a light..DON'T TELL MOM...PLEASE DON'T TELL MOM...well mom found out and took the Car for One month...and you know I didn't even know my little one knew. He never said anything till a few months ago.
Then when my D was in college...PARTY..and got an under age drinking ticket at a Party...she was 19 and cry asking if they would send the ticket home..they didn't and made sure she had payment due till paid off and it was a $400.00 ticket. Then told me this year...Not sure about that one I think I may have Gone all Matrix on her...
I did expect that from both of my kids in college and bit my lip...whistled alot..and prayed to God...and now my son on Spring Break..God.
It's funny because my D all excited said..Ma..wanna go to this Music Fest with ME...(she's 24) it will be the B'52s and Joan Jett..Two Generations.. this should be interesting..because she gets such a kick out of seeing the Old Folks Carry on as they did when they were in thier 20's...
Last time we were at the B 52's.. she was six with me at central Park..and she rocked out and has loved them ever since...Love Shack..babbbbeeeee...
It's funny we can blast out songs together...and I really know the Words....
So that's my story...abandoment..sure I know it...Abuse...sure I know it....Disipline..sure do know that word .....Kids what they do, mistakes they make, ones that make to big of ones, some that can't correct them...and just all kinds of life and what takes place...I was able to be around So many diffferent lives...in such a big neighborhood...I seen it all...I felt it all some less then others some more then others..
Life is ..well..life and sometimes it's hard to figure out and we are complex creatures..
And if you were to ask me when I was 20 maybe even 30...I have said..Nope nothing in MY LIFE wrong I was just with the wrong Person.. Seriously.
So I think I have moved out of the past figured some out and left it where it was..sure remember it but without Impact now...
Sometimes it was so hard to live in the present... I mean you can be in your past and move towards your future..but how do get into present ...for me it was Time Line.
I also do know that some of those people from my childhood are alright and live full happy lives..turned thier lives around. The funny thing is that we all feel the same way about growing up ....We loved it...with everything that took place. Because there was Bonding with the Kids of the Neighborhood.
So I wonder with all the pain and all the suffering that was caused with everyone that comes to this board and from what they lived as children...I do think..that... I may just understand things better about myself and possibly about my parents...the neighborhood, friends, the times...just maybe...and that I was a 6 year old in an adult body when it came to ...Get the Hell Out...repeating what I did not resolve and looking for someone else to resolve it and not with Abandonement Issues which is exactly what I set myself UP FOR...
And I have bonded with ya all...Your all my Neighborhood. Love to you all...and AGAIN... I will have a hard Time Letting This Board Go...for it never will and you would always be in my heart ...as the others in my 3 D life kids who in my neighborhood always had Voice maybe not a solution then but voice, faint, loud, but had one.
We are the the Grown Up Kids now in our Neighborhood with the maturity to find Solution and let Go of what maybe we could not back then...and Heal.
Oh and ...whats going on today? Some of the very same things only bigger and badder..
Love
Deb