Author Topic: Eckhart Tolle's "Pain body"  (Read 5212 times)

Gaining Strength

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Eckhart Tolle's "Pain body"
« on: March 28, 2009, 03:22:13 PM »
I discovered this yesterday and found it helpful as an explanation.  I'm going to post it even if it is very long.  I particularly though of PR when I re-read it today.

The Pain Body by Eckhart Tolle
This accumulated pain is a negative energy field that occupies your body and mind. If you look on it as an invisible entity in its own right, you are getting qute close to the truth. It's the emotional pain body. It has two modes of being: dormant and active....

....The pain body wants to survive, just like every other entity in existance, and it can only survive if it gets you to unconsciously identify with it. It can then rise up, take you over, "become you," and live through you. It needs to get its "food" through you. It will feed on any experience that resonates with its own kind of energy, anything that creates further pain in whatever form: anger, destructiveness, hatred, grief, emotional drama, violence, and even illness.

So the pain body, when it has taken you over, will create a situation in your life that refects back its own energy frequency for it to feed on. Pain can only feed on pain. Pain cannot feed on joy. It finds it quite indigestible.

Once the pain body has taken you over, you want more pain. You become a victim or a perpetrator. You want to inflict pain, or you want to suffer pain, or both. There isen't really much difference between the two. You are not conscious of this, of course, and will vehemently claim that you do not want pain. But look closely and you will that your thinking and behavior are designed to keep the pain going, for yourself and others.

If you were truly conscious of it, the pattern would disolve, for to want more pain os insanity, and nobody is conscioulsy insane.

The pain body, which is the dark shadow cast by the ego, is actually afraid of the light of your consciousness. It is afraid of being found out. Its survival depends on your unconscious identification with it, as well as on your unconscious fear of facing the the pain that lives in you. But if you don't face it, if you don't bring the ligt of your consciousness into the pain, you will be forced to relive it again and again. The pain body may seem to you like a dangerous monster that you cannot bear to look at, but I assure you that it is an insubstantial phantom that cannot pervail against the power of your presence.

.....So the pain body doesen't want you to observe it directly and see it for what it is. The moment you observe, feel its energy field within you, and take your attention into it, the identification is broken. A higher dimension of cosciousness has come in. I call it presence.

You are now the witness or the watcher of the pain body. This means that it cannot use you anymore by pretending to be you, and it can no longer replenish itself through you. You have found your own inner strength. You have accessed the power of Now.

Unconsciousness creates it; consciousness transmutes it into itself.....

.... The pin body consists of trapped life-energy that has split off from your total energy field and has temporarily become autonomous through the unnatural process of mind identification. It has turned in on itself and become anti-life, like an animal trying to devour its own tail. Why do you think our civilisation has become so life-destructive?

But even the life-destructive forces are still life-energy.

.....Let me summarize the process. Focus attention on the feeling inside you. Know that it is the pain body. Accept that it is there. Don't think about it - don't let the feeling turn into thinking. Don't judge or analyze. Don't make an identity for yourself out of it. Stay present, and continue to be the observer of what is happening insde you. become aware not only of the emotional pain but also od "the one who observes," teh silent watcher.

This is the power of the Now, the power of your own conscious presence. Then see what happens.

.....For many women, the pain body awakens particularly at the time preceding the menstrual flow....If you are able to stay alert and present at that time and watch whatever you feel within, rather then be taken over by it, it affords an opportunity for the most powerful spiritual practice, and a rapid transmutation of all past pain becomes possible.




From: Companion Tape to The Power of Now

The following is a transcript of a section from Eckhart Tolle's tape, Companion to The Power of Now. It needs to be heard, but for those that don't have the tape, a second hand transcript is better then none. Eckhart is talking about the pain body - a kind of energetic entity that takes possession of the human body,and uses it to generate more pain.


Eckhart Tolle:

.....It goes deeper then that and we are not running away from the fact that in you there lives a field of residue of past Human pain.

On a personal level, pain from childhood that leaves residues, Energetic residues….different things painful things have happened to you in your childhood and of course far beyond that in time. But lets just talk from the level of your present existence in this form.

The pain that is carried over from your childhood and beyond and leaves residues …doesn’t go away completely, it leaves residues of pain, Energy fields, everything is Energy. And then those Energy Fields get together, because they feel, they vibrate at the same frequency. So emotional pain gathers into one mass of pain, contracted Energy, that isn’t flowing freely. An Energy of (ET make a sound ahhhh, ahhhhh) that I call the “Painbody” that humans carry inside. An Energy Field of Pain.



And if you don’t recognize that, no matter how much Spiritual Practice you do and even what we are doing here if you do not see, if you do not recognize how the Painbody operates, it will trick every time and you will lose consciousness through it.



First we realize “there is an Energy Field of pain in me”, that may manifest either as turbulence, anger, heaviness, depression, tightness, fear …whatever way it manifests its not pleasant its painful its past pain but very much alive still.

You carry it inside. But you are not always conscious of it and I talk about it briefly in one Chapter of the book, so we go a little bit more deeply now, and now that the added Energy of Presence that we take into the Painbody.

The Painbody is sometimes dormant and sometimes active. It becomes active when you suddenly feel it very strongly, when it needs to feed on further experience of pain. As it always has to do regularly like, it’s a little entity almost, it needs Feeding, temporarily on the experience of further pain, and you will know this has happened when a relatively insignificant trigger produces an Incredible out burst, reaction of Pain. A minor thing goes wrong or somebody say something, or your partner says something or does something and there is suddenly a deep or even a thought come in, and suddenly it serves as a trigger for an immense, the arising of deep emotional pain.



At that moment the Painbody this Energy Field has come up out of its dormant state, it is ready to feed on more Pain. It produce ..first ..in two ways …I haven’t put it that clearly in the First Book I will explain it in the next Book…(Laughter) …there are two ways in which it feeds…because that is all it can feed on ..Painbody consists of that energy of pain its needs (ET says) “please where can I get more Pain”.

It feed on your thoughts, when its ready to rise up, it will control your thinking, it rises into the mind and your mind …which is your thought activity …because with the Pain Body every thought you think is destructive and painful.

And the Pain Body loves it!!! It gobbles up the Energy of every thought that you think every destructive and deeply negative thought, it eats it up, so to speak, (ET makes chomping sounds while all laugh) And it’s having a Good Time! It’s feeding and, at that moment, one way of putting it is, one could say “the addictive quality of Human Pain". Addictive because it loves it’s pain.

When the Painbody has taken you over and has succeeded in pretending that that’s 'Who you are', all your thinking is completely aligned with it. And it’s feeding on it. At that very moment the last thing you want is to be free of pain. At that moment pain IS what you want because at that moment, You are the Painbody.



And if I came into your life at that moment and gave you this message, “that Life free from Pain IS possible” You would hit me over the Head!!! (Laughter). Because the Painbody would be there and I would be talking to the Painbody and the Painbody would be talking back at me. So the pain body needs to come in periodically and we all have experienced it with partners…………………

…….now the pain body will use you thinking, it will feed on you negative and destructive thinking.

How long the feeding time lasts of any particular pain body varies greatly from person to person, I could be a brief one, it could be an hour or two; some pain bodies have a feeding time of several weeks, even months. That is the extreme and in very extreme cases there are some pain bodies that have virtually no dormant stage that are continuously feeding and active. But that’s more rare but………….you sometimes meet people and the pain body is looking at you through their eyes and they are waiting for an excuse to have more…they want you to give them a painful reaction. They want you to be angry with them; they want you to attack them. That’s people totally possessed by the painbody.



So Level One: the pain body feed on your thinking.



Level Two: The pain body feeds on the feed back of the emotional pain from other people



So it might not only use your own thinking it might even predominately use somebody else’s reactions.,,……….



So the Painbody feeding on thinking, Painbody feeding on others reactions. Now I mentioned last night the “unhappy me” a mind pattern that people are identified with an unhappy sense of self. This mind pattern, when the pain is active it becomes amplified, the Energy of the Unhappy me when the Painbody moves into that mind pattern that already is telling you “your life hasn’t been good enough” and so on and you may not make it, “life has passed me by”, and so on.

Now the Painbody moves into that mind pattern and its Energy gets amplified, 10 times, 20 times, 50 times, 100 times in other words the “unhappy me”; the Painbody arises, it flows into that mind structure, the emotion flows into that mind structure, the Unhappy sense of me becomes dreadfully Unhappy and Loves it’s Unhappiness because that’s what it consists of.


…Now it is not a foreign body, which lives in you. There is nothing that is not Life Energy.



Even your pain body is life Energy except it isn’t flowing freely …it’s got stuck somewhere.



And when Energy gets stuck and cannot low freely pain arise like a river. If a river cannot flow the water accumulates and pressure accumulates. But really it's beautiful Life Energy.

The water is still beautiful there is pressure accumulating, inside …that’s what the pain body is. Now, as we bright Presence, this consciousness in to the Painbody, it can no longer fool you into completely identifying with it.

The presence, as the pain arises, from now on, and many of you are already practicing that. The Pain body comes up and at that moment you will recognize it as the Painbody. That is the Beginning of Freedom from it. The recognition, when it comes, slight trigger, provocation, even a thought, deep Pain arises, in whatever form, in some people it is a very active pain, active aggressive pain, in other persons it is a Passive form of Pain, “poor little me” victim pain, doesn’t matter which, pain bodies have different qualities in different people.

It maybe turbulence or tightness or constriction, it doesn’t matter what it is. As it arises you will know there is a witnessing presence ..and you watch..O’ wheres the pain body an you feel the Energy Field of it. In your body. You can feel it in the Solar plexus or stomach area ……..as a dreadful sense of Ohhhhh. Heaviness or, some people perceives it as a Big hole, a gapping hole inside…………or it maybe intense anger.



But whatever it is you watch it, this is why it is so helpful, you sitting here witnessing, is witnessing Presence which is part of this new state of consciousness. It gets so much strengthened by sitting in this Energy Field.

So the Watcher will be there watching the pain so the pain can not use your mind anymore it can not feed on your thinking because you are watching it directly it cannot creep into your mind and then become an “unhappy me”.

So all that’s left of the pain is an Energy Field of heavy feeling of turbulence or heaviness. But the pain has not become an “unhappy me” a sense of self, of who you are. That’s the beginning of the end of the pain. But our practice is allowing “what is” to be. And that also applies as long as the Painbody it there in you allowing the Pain that is there in you Also to be. That is a very powerful practice.

So I am not saying, we are not fighting the pain we are not even trying to get rid of it. You bring the consciousness, which is a very compassionate state of allowing “what is”. It is a very powerful state it implies you are Present. As the one who is able to allow.

You are the one who is able to allow the pain to be. You know you are not creating this pain at this moment because you are practicing accepting “what is”. So it is not pain you are creating, it is old pain. You bring the “acceptance” to the old pain.


sKePTiKal

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Re: Eckhart Tolle's "Pain body"
« Reply #1 on: March 31, 2009, 08:05:20 AM »
Hi GS...
I've been pondering Tolle's way of describing what will probably always be a mystery to science and spirituality... how emotions can take on a life of their own. Didn't want you to think I hadn't seen this, or something. It does coincide with something I'm working with right now, too.

Words can be important in themselves; the way we describe phenomena that doesn't easily reduce itself to a simple definition or that can have different shades of meaning to different people, in different contexts. After lifelong voicelessness or silence about our feelings, words and descriptive ideas are important; helping us explain to ourselves the things we weren't taught or didn't learn, growing up. And I guess each of these ideas or ways of describing strike home more for some people than others.

What I've been working on, observing, thinking with my emotions about, is how I define certain feelings. For instance - this inheritance has completely taken over my life lately - with activity, decisions, and processing the reality (or too good to be true-ness) of it all. On the one hand, people will say to me... it must be so exciting. But, the way I categorize my feeling is negative - I call it stress or anxiety... and in doing so, I'm setting criteria or conditions for my experience. I'm taking great good fortune and making it a burden, a task, work even - in how I experience it. It's an old habit, ya know? I'm working on defining this feeling as "excitement". Not as easy as it sounds! But, gratitude helps get me there.

I do the same thing with "pain". My recent triggering experience with the boss is a good example. At the core, he was saying that what I needed to do - take time off to deal with inheritance stuff - wasn't important; and of course, I add: I'm not important. Which stabs at the root of my mom-issues, really. The struggle that I'm letting go, inch by inch. (And not really fast enough... but oh well; I've sort of accepted that I'm not really in control of that agenda/timetable.)

The fact is that my personal needs as an employee simply don't rate that high, in that situation. What was 100% important to me, really isn't important to him... and doesn't have a "should" connected to it. I was furious and hurt at the time - imposing the pain of the original ego-wound on a now-situation in my own experience... making myself miserable. And then, something clicked... (guess all the R-Lbrain work is changing me "behind the scenes")... I saw that I could choose how I thought about and felt about this situation... I am in control and I am important - to me. On a razor's edge, I paused for an instant and saw that it really didn't matter if he understood and treated me as if I were an important member of the department, with needs that I wanted/had to address. AS LONG AS... I made the decision to be important to myself and to take action - choose - what I experienced emotionally about this and follow it up with action, in life.

This is a long way round, to saying that for me, pain is getting to be just another emotion... one that isn't always negative, overwhelming, or all-consuming. And I find that the idea of a "pain-body" makes pain seem to be too concrete and something that I can't "do something about". Something to be avoided, too. In Buddhist-speak - avoidance is attachment, too. Pain caused in interaction with other people can be seen, defined DIFFERENTLY.

Different, in that if you aren't connected to others they don't really cause you pain. If you are connected, there is something of value emotionally between the two of you. Pain = caring... in that we invest caring about others and ourselves in the relationship (caring is sun and rain on the flower of connectedness) and sometimes we care more about ourselves than others -- hence, pain. That's not bad or selfish. It just is... and it's a way to tell if you are living... connecting. There are inevitably bumps & bruises in life - and some are emotional and hurt more than others. But we can still choose - to get up and run & play again... to realize that we feel pain sometimes because we value a relationship... because it's important to us. It helps to realize that most of the time, relational pain or even situational triggering - isn't intentional on the part of the "other". And there really AREN'T any "shoulds" attached to interactions with others... they just are.

Taken a step further - applying this to the original wounds - is helping me. But it's my own way of working and probably doesn't make sense to some people, or isn't a useful concept. I see value in Tolle's Painbody... and would agree about the bits regarding energy. I just think that I have a choice about whether to think pain is a bad thing... or not.

One of my favorite books of all time, is Tom Robbins' "Even Cowgirls Get the Blues". There's a crusty, old man character and the line that's stuck with me all these years is: if a body farts it's alive!  that's a GOOD thing... I just substitute - if I feel pain I'm alive. At least today - tomorrow IS another day.
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Gaining Strength

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Re: Eckhart Tolle's "Pain body"
« Reply #2 on: April 02, 2009, 11:49:42 AM »
CB - Gosh it's good to hear from you.  And it's good to hear about your relationship and how you two are working things out and identifying how your present pain is rooted in old, old pain.  That is my daily goal.

I am so thankful for you that you have someone to do this with.  What more could any of us ask for!
That is exactly what I had hoped for with my late husband.  I foresaw our marriage as a balm and we had the hymn "There is a Balm in Gilead" sung by a soulful tennor at our wedding.  But we were not able to understand how our present pain came from the past nor how it was that we could once again be living in that miasma.  I'm so glad you and he are able to make that connection. 

We even have a code for it that we use—we touch our own throat and say “it hurts”.
That is touching and powerful.

to be open to the possibility in a conflict that my “pain-body” is trying to feed off a situation, instead of it being a real situation of abuse. words to live by.  This is helping me "let go" of my reaction when my son touches those old buttons. When he is self-centered (as a typical 8 year old often is) and I have given him my last iota of myself and I feel utterly taken advantage of and resentful - bingo - it is "pain-body" attaching.  Time to observe and pour on the love to my broken spirit and my child.  It is working, helping.

It’s messy because within the same incident, he can be both understanding and patient, and horribly engulfed in his own need to feed his pain.  And I can alternate between standing outside the pain and observing it, and then starting to drown in it. 
Ya know, I never thought about the obvious that you bring up here.  He is reacting to his own "pain-body".  That changes the whole thought process.
Thank you for sharing your experience about alternating between "observing" and "drowning".  That will be helpful for me to beat back those demons of perfectionism that say, "Now you know the concept - you have no excuse!"  That will help relieve me of much struggle.

even if it helps make sense of the struggle—it is still a struggle,
Of all that you have written about your experience in using the concept of "pain-body" this really brings me back home.  I will not be snapped out of it because I have read about it or applied the "observer" technique.  But it will help move me out of the cycle and it does give me a technique to help unstick me.

Thanks so much for sharing.  I am taking to heart your experiences and am so thankful that you are in the place that you are in.  I hope you find rest and joy.

Gaining Strength

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Re: Eckhart Tolle's "Pain body"
« Reply #3 on: April 02, 2009, 11:51:07 AM »
PR - I am a slow processor these days.  I am reading and thinking about your post.  But I am waiting to reply until I have collected my thoughts in a coherent manner.

« Last Edit: April 03, 2009, 10:14:03 AM by Gaining Strength »

Gaining Strength

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Re: Eckhart Tolle's "Pain body"
« Reply #4 on: April 03, 2009, 10:33:26 AM »
OK - I've got some structure to what I wanted to write to you PR. I am not trying to sell you on Tolle's "pain-body" concept, though it may appear so but I do want to share with you the value that I am beginning to glean from it.

You wrote:
And I find that the idea of a "pain-body" makes pain seem to be too concrete and something that I can't "do something about". Something to be avoided, too. In Buddhist-speak - avoidance is attachment, too. Pain caused in interaction with other people can be seen, defined DIFFERENTLY.

I agree with you that avoidance is attachment and I personnally need to be able to do something about the pain that I exist in, that has taken over my life like a tumor.  That is why I want to share with you how "pain-body" actually is helping me see the pain, feel the pain and FINALLY live life anyway.

I have committed myself to meditating 2xs a day for 30 days.  What I do is set aside 20 minutes, turn off all distractions and begin to meditate - empty my mind of thoughts and concerns.  What happens is that anxiousness begins to fill that void and then thoughts of things undone and suddenly there is a jumble and the jumble is screaming out in outrageous pain. But then I acknowledge to myself, "Oh, this is "pain-body"" and let is go and the process starts again.  When the 20 minutes is over, I have not denied the pain, nor necessarily decreased it but what I have done is to "observe" it and see that I am not synonymous with that pain. Slowly as I repeat this process I am finding or perhaps creating a little bit of space between me and this huge tumor of pain. 

Because I am creating some wiggle room to move around this tumor I no longer have to repress it in order to accomplish anything.  I can "leave it lie", as it were and go about doing a task that, somewhere in my deep unconsciousness, triggers past condemnation and overwhelming pain.  But "observer" status allows me to function inspite of the pain rather than shutting me down as the pain does and has done for the past many years.

I am not saying this is the thing for you but I did want you to know that what I love about this is that it is not repression or resistance but acknowledgement and a sort of acceptance, a moving around and functioning in spite of the pain and regardless of the source (conscious or unconscious or somewhere inbetween.)

Thinking of you and valuing your friendship - GS

sKePTiKal

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Re: Eckhart Tolle's "Pain body"
« Reply #5 on: April 03, 2009, 04:51:28 PM »
Yeah, I think I understood you weren't necessarily proselytizing the idea!  :D  I wanted to just discuss the merits of the idea.

Your meditation practice sounds fruitful! Sounds like that space between pain & you that you're creating is necessary, too. Breath fresh energy into that space... so it can grow!

It's odd, but before therapy & Twiggy... before I remembered... when I meditated, I didn't necessarily feel pain but the tears would just flow. And it was the simple act of remembering, for me... reclaiming Twiggy & the memories she had that were denied... that lifted the pain away far enough to start to make some real progress at change. Once she was acknowledged as REAL and really ME, Twiggy started to relax, quiet down. It took quite a while to go through the process completely - and it's still a work in progress.

Have you looked into Mindfulness Meditation? Thich Hat Nan (sp?) or Dr. Jack Kornfield are two authors that come to mind. Somewhere, I think I even have a book of specific exercises to deal with topics like fear, forgiveness, anger, pain, etc. I check that shelf and get back with it...
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Lucky

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Re: Eckhart Tolle's "Pain body"
« Reply #6 on: February 22, 2010, 06:42:58 AM »
At the moment I am reading one of Eckhart Tolle's books, the first one I read. It is some powerful stuff I must say!!

Ami

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Re: Eckhart Tolle's "Pain body"
« Reply #7 on: February 22, 2010, 07:12:12 AM »
Wonderful thread. Thank you GS and everyone who wrote. This info is priceless!       x o xo  Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
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Nonameanymore

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Re: Eckhart Tolle's "Pain body"
« Reply #8 on: February 22, 2010, 02:10:02 PM »
The biggest thing I have had to embrace, is to be open to the possibility in a conflict that my “pain-body” is trying to feed off a situation, instead of it being a real situation of abuse.  I have found that the reaction to either is very similar—a swift upsurge of emotion and adrenaline, and usually, a quick decision to dump the whole relationship and disappear. 

It’s complicated because even in a good relationship, I have found that my own pain, or an acting-out of his pain, can cause the same reaction in me.  It’s messy because within the same incident, he can be both understanding and patient, and horribly engulfed in his own need to feed his pain.  And I can alternate between standing outside the pain and observing it, and then starting to drown in it.


CB, there words could have been spoken by me, word for word. Thank you.

GS, thanks for sharing this, wonderful read.
P.

Hopalong

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Re: Eckhart Tolle's "Pain body"
« Reply #9 on: February 22, 2010, 02:27:55 PM »
Whoo-Ahhh, GS! This is very big:

Quote
I have not denied the pain, nor necessarily decreased it but what I have done is to "observe" it and see that I am not synonymous with that pain

CB, I wish you'd write a book.

Love,
Hops
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CB123

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Re: Eckhart Tolle's "Pain body"
« Reply #10 on: February 22, 2010, 04:45:43 PM »
So good to see this thread bumped up again.  I had forgotten about reading Tolle (it has been a year now!) but I continue to be influenced by what he said.  Some of his stuff is a little "out there" for me, but I can still glean so much.

So, its a year later and I have made so much progress in detecting the "pain body" earlier in an episode.  I am better at standing outside the almost palpable pain and even  self-soothing the fear that it triggers.  So much of what I fear is a phantom, yet it still can feel real until I sit with it for a bit. Working through this process has made all of my relationships--kids, romantic, work related--much smoother.  I am still not able to switch instantly--I still identify with the pain initially and then have to work my way through it.  But it is smoother, and I know at the outset that that is the direction I have to go, instead of having that whirling panic that can happen.

I would love to know if anyone else who read Strength's post last year has become more aware of this phenomenon in their lives? 

Hops, I have a book in me somewhere, but I dont think its about me.  I am not sure what it is, but sometimes I can see bits of the story rise to the surface.  Maybe when I am older and can sit and think a bit more than I do now! 

CB
When they are older and telling their own children about their grandmother, they will be able to say that she stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way -- and it surely has not -- she adjusted her sails.  Elizabeth Edwards 2010

bearwithme

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Re: Eckhart Tolle's "Pain body"
« Reply #11 on: February 23, 2010, 01:38:15 AM »
I was enthralled!  This is profound to me and I believe I get it.  I always wanted to read Tolle but have cut back on my love of reading because I had a baby and you know how that goes...time flying out the window and too exhausted to even read street signs while driving.

Well, I am stricken with having a pain body that is a beast inside me and I feed it 20 pounds of raw meat a day and it keeps growing.  Tolle's language and description of past pain and how it manifests is quite amazing.  I see it now.

The idea that the pain body tries to manipulate you into thinking that it is who you are, is remarkable.  I am not the pain body, and so if I'm not the pain body, then I'm left with an amazing world of "good" bodies that I have ignored for 42 years.

Bear

sKePTiKal

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Re: Eckhart Tolle's "Pain body"
« Reply #12 on: February 23, 2010, 08:07:13 AM »
CB -

I have been revisited with this due to moving...

a lot of old fears, anxieties, and emotional/behavioral patterns got stirred up despite the very different nature of this move from the old experience. And stirring all that up, brought back all the pain - which, for me manifests physically in addition to emotionally.

I turn into a slave-driver; pushing myself to some illusory goal of perfect efficiency, logistics, of being the only one who can be trusted to "make things work out in the time-frame, just the right way". And at my age, this does take a greater physical toll on the body.

Add to that, hubby's retiring and always being around - we've found ourselves smack up against redefining our relationship, our roles, and even struggling with basic communication issues. All revolving around trust, I realized at one point. From both of us, about both of us - and about the things neither of us could control.

We've fumbled our way through this - and still are, I think; but things are starting to settle down into new patterns. The shifting boundaries and how we work with those is an on-going challenge but it's not "bad" or negative. It's the essential definition of "relationship". It's helped when he's expressed his own fears and worries... and I've had to face mine head-on. Weird, rediculous things - like driving alone from my old home to the beach - the old abusive mantra of "you'll get lost" rode with me the whole way. But every single right turn; every stop I made due to fatique or the jeep's need for fuel (thirsty little bugger)... put the lie to this ghost.

So others come up in it's place, too. And one step at a time, I'm doing the same thing - moving ahead in the direction I've chosen in spite of the old messages that generate fear - TRUSTING that I can manage; that "it'll be OK" about X, Y, or Z; and tuning out the old messages so that I can experience something different.

As I do that - the pain in my shoulder diminishes... the unconscious tension I hold in my body relaxes... and I'm in a different "place" - physically, emotionally, and in all ways. And it's just fine!
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