Narcissism (the disorder) vs. "Healthy Narcissism"

[Ami]

Dear Richard
  Could you share your thoughts on what Healthy Narcissism is?
  I have been  afraid of any N traits  in me  b/c it reminds me of my M.Thank you, Richard.        Ami
 

[Dr. Richard Grossman]

Hi Ami,

There’s a pretty good description of the difference here:  http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_the_difference_between_healthy_narcissism_and_pathological_narcissism 

But let me add my own slant to it.

Consider the psychologically healthy family.  We get our self love (healthy narcissism) from our parents or significant others/parent substitutes.  Our parents believe we are special (how could we not be—we share the same genes!), and therefore we learn to see ourselves in this light.  This is normal and healthy.

But are we really as wonderful and special as our parents think?

Nah!  Still, the feeling, however untrue, protects us against the reality that there are almost 7 billion people out there, each one playing the lead in their own personal play.

Why is it necessary and normal for us to see ourselves as special?  One school of thought, self-deception theory (which I ascribe to), suggests that if we truly believe we are special, we have an easier time convincing others that we are, and therefore, the odds of us finding a mate are greatly increased.  Who do you want as a mate?  Someone self-confident and assured of their place in the world—or someone certain they are as common and useful as Canadian Geese in the park (you know what they do).  So, our ancestors chose the self-confident, and the gene for self-deception was selected in the human population.  Hence, "healthy narcissism" became normal.

But what if you don’t get the feeling of being special/loved from your family.  Here are three of many possibilities depending on genes/temperament: 1) you grow up slightly, but chronically depressed.  Arguably, this represents a more realistic view of the world than “normal” people hold, because of the lack of self-deception. 2)  you grow up narcissistic—continuously and grossly distorting your value to yourself and others—because the alternative, feeling of little value to anyone is unbearable.  3)  you spend your life continuously seeking the love of everyone around you, and not being able to bear it when that love is not given/expressed.  (For this option, therapy is highly recommended, for those love needs can be focused on one person—a therapist—which normalizes your relationships with everyone else).

But all is not bleak, even if we realize in the grand scheme of things we are not special.  If we are lucky, we find a very small niche of people—and to these people, we are indeed, very special—not special in the way we were to healthy parents (even in therapy, there’s no “complete” replacement for that).  But still, special indeed.  And in my view this is the best that life has to offer.

I hope this helps!

Best,

Richard

     

[getnbtr]

Boy...I needed to hear that!!!!!! I am now part of a small group of people that have become friends recently, well they have been trying to get close to me for about 10 years now...it has taken me this long to let them be close, they are very supportive and I am still somewhat guarded, well...maybe alot guarded. The words that you communicated to me are BIG! I know that I can never replace what was lost with my parents and that's OK. I do have trouble with trusting, any words of advice? I have been secluded raising children for a long time! My NH hates that I am getting close to these friends.

A BIG Thank You for what you are doing. I have a sleeve of thankful tears here!

[Dr. Richard Grossman]

Hi Getnbtr,

Adult children of narcissistic parents often have no "model" of trust.  They have spent their childhood protecting themselves in order to survive.  And, therefore, literally they have to learn to live in a trusting way.  This is a difficult task, and by oneself, impossible.  It is best done with a wonderful therapist.  When trust develops in the therapy office, one then has a model and the safety (fall-back place) to develop it elsewhere.  Unfortunately, because of the lack of a model, and because of the years spent protecting oneself (it becomes ingrained), learning to trust (literally re-wiring the brain) is often a slow process.  But it is do-able!

Best,

Richard 

[BonesMS]

The challenge, then, is finding a knowledgeable empathetic therapist within one's geographic area.  As I've learned the hard way, as you have from your own personal experience Dr. G, the wrong therapist can do more harm than help.

Bones

[Ami]

Thank you Richard. Your explanation was very helpful.
 Have you ever seen personal relationships  where people can help each other grow in the ways that you describe therapy as doing?
      Ami       

[SilverLining]

That's a helpful summary Dr.  My father seemed to go out of his way to make sure the offspring knew we were not special, to him or anybody else.  Actually it's still going on.  And it's hard to identify as abuse since he's just being "objective" and realistic, though negative.  Thus I and the siblings have struggled with depression and other issues as you described all of our adult lives.

Now if I could just figure out way to easily short circuit those old pathways...  It seems I've become hypertuned to the abusive edge underneath most every interaction with him.   But recognition of the process seems to be a big help.

[Dr. Richard Grossman]

Bones,

Amen!

Ami,

If the issues are relatively minor, other people can help.  If not, and you want to make a significant change in your life, then in my experience an excellent therapist is required.

SilverLining,

Thanks for your comment!

Best,

Richard