N parents actually TEACH children destructive self-images

[Gaining Strength]

My therapist for some years now has spoken to me about Learned Helplessness.  As I continue to make progress in this healing process I recognize how profoundly my self concept was shaped by the dark psychological twisting of my N parents.  The things I was good at and enjoyed the most they intentionaly blocked and belittled.  As a child, adolescent and teen I was not able to recognize what was going on.  I internalized this as something fundamentally lacking within me, something shameful and morally corrupt - unalterably missing.  The only hope was to cover it up.

In my particular situation these lessons were actually projections.  In a very twisted aspect of these projections were deliberate sabotages where I was set up to fail to satisfy in some sick way my parents perverse self-flagellation (only the self was me and NOT their own personas.) 

I took all of this on in an internalized neurological patterning.  My endocrine system reacts nano-seconds before my thoughts even engage.  I was hopelessly buried in these destructive and hopeless patterns.  The harder I tried to change the patterns the more deeply entrenched they became.  Unconsciously, I expected to fail and looked for signs that I was failing.  I felt helpless to make the changes myself and felt excludes from the largess befalling others - shut out - unless someone, anyone intervened.  The method I unconsciously employed was to become more and more dysfunctional and pitiful in and unconscious hope that  some rescuer would come through and lift me out of the chaos and deplorable situations - that I would be rescued, my talents and strengths noticed and nurtured.  I saw myself as powerless to effect the changes needed to lift myself out of the darkness and doom.

I needed money to get the help I needed to be able to earn money.   A vicious cycle - a double bind reminescent of the many double binds I was caught up in throught my childhood where my parents would demand something of me but not give me the resources necessary to accomplish the demanded end and then punishing me because I did not reach the demanded goal.  Each attempt I made would then be dissected and ridiculed.  The outcome would be an internalized voice ridiculing and belittling myself for having the disgusting belief that I could even THINK I could participate in or hope for some success.

I have stepped through a door at last in which I can recognize those voices and stop them.  I am straddling the threshold - one foot in the shame based paralysis and one foot in the house of freedom.  I am no longer afraid.  The only think keeping me at the threshold is lack of experience and practise.  Each day forward I will move further and further into that house of freedom and out of that prison established for me so long ago.

It is difficult indeed to unlearn those destructive self-images.  In great part because they are so deeply ingrained in the unconsciousness.  It has taken me the 2 and 3/4 years that I have been on here to fully understand that the darkness came to me via my N parents in a perverted way that served to boost themselves by destroying me.  And that these thoughts are so deeply buried in my unconsciousness.  But the shared voices of others similarly afflicted and the acknowledgement of the shared experiences has helped me bring those experiences into the open where I am able to successfully challenge them, replace them and allow my true voice to rise above them.

I have finally moved into freedom and functioning.  The old is now behind me and the bitterness and resentment are only shadow images to be cleaned up and discarded along with the helplessness learned so long ago.

[Ami]

Dear GS
 I think a big shift comes when you can see that it is THEM, not you, who is "bad". I am getting there, too, with much pain. I think the pain is the price of seeing reality.
 I think Alice Miller has it right. We must face the truth of just how bad our parents were before we can have empathy for ourselves.
                                                 Ami



 
                                                                                         

[Gaining Strength]

That's a good point.

I had to see that I had actually internalized their voices which I have mistakeny thought was my voice.
I also had to bring into my consciousness so much that was buried deep in my unconsciousness - that is where my parents' voices wreaked the most havoc and caused the most pain.

[Ami]

The internalized voices are called introjects. They seem to be the biggest problem for people like us with N parents.    Ami

[Dawning]

There is no doubt in my mind that they do this.  I'm glad that you see this and are sharing it. 

Since my last unhealthy scenario, I wrote my dad and told him HOW he did/does this and that I find it NOT acceptable anymore.  I also told him that, from now on, I will call him on his sh*t.  So if he wants to hear it, he can feel free to email me.     I fully expect - and find it amusing now - that he can't email me.  Coward.   The point being - when possible, give them back those images and let it go.  It's a process, to be sure.

Keep talking.

Love,
Dawning

[Gaining Strength]

They seem to be the biggest problem for people like us with N parents.

That is very interesting.  It is certainly true for me.

I was driving my son to a movie tonight and had this flash-memory of my father with his hushed clenched jaw rage telling me I had better be happy about "it" and that he expected me to put a smile on my face.  I have NO idea what this memory is attached to but I also had a flash-memory of feeling great resentment at times when people have told me to "Smile and be happy."  Tonight I connected those two memories.  He always controlled the emotional displays of his children.  Hmm - who could survive that?

[gratitude28]

GS,
I too am separating the N voice from my own. I think I have destroyed most of the negativity towards myself. I still have a problem with mean thoughts that jump up about other people from time to time - and they ARE NOT MY THOUGHTS. NM and F blame others for their weaknesses, instead of having compassion. They are also racist. They denigrate others to feel good about themselves. Although I can see these thoughts as not my own, it feels horrible to have an ugly thought about another person jump into your head (i.e., No wonder she was abused, she looks like a slut). I would NEVER think that. But those are the kinds of sick things that I have to separate from *me*.
Love, Beth

[Ami]

Dear Beth
 You bring up a very profound point for me. I have crucified myself for my thoughts and feelings such as the thought you described. My  guitar teacher , who grew up sane ,tells me that he has ALL kinds of thoughts and feelings and does not put any good or bad label on them. It is only what you do that gets a good or bad label.
The Bible talks about thoughts just coming in like birds flying and landing somewhere. 
 My goal is to let thoughts come and go  not have condemnation for myself.
  I know your point was a little different b/c you were talking about your thoughts as introjects.
  However, it brought up my struggle so I wanted to share it.         Love to you   Ami

[BonesMS]

My therapist for some years now has spoken to me about Learned Helplessness.  As I continue to make progress in this healing process I recognize how profoundly my self concept was shaped by the dark psychological twisting of my N parents.  The things I was good at and enjoyed the most they intentionaly blocked and belittled.  As a child, adolescent and teen I was not able to recognize what was going on.  I internalized this as something fundamentally lacking within me, something shameful and morally corrupt - unalterably missing.  The only hope was to cover it up.

In my particular situation these lessons were actually projections.  In a very twisted aspect of these projections were deliberate sabotages where I was set up to fail to satisfy in some sick way my parents perverse self-flagellation (only the self was me and NOT their own personas.) 

I took all of this on in an internalized neurological patterning.  My endocrine system reacts nano-seconds before my thoughts even engage.  I was hopelessly buried in these destructive and hopeless patterns.  The harder I tried to change the patterns the more deeply entrenched they became.  Unconsciously, I expected to fail and looked for signs that I was failing.  I felt helpless to make the changes myself and felt excludes from the largess befalling others - shut out - unless someone, anyone intervened.  The method I unconsciously employed was to become more and more dysfunctional and pitiful in and unconscious hope that  some rescuer would come through and lift me out of the chaos and deplorable situations - that I would be rescued, my talents and strengths noticed and nurtured.  I saw myself as powerless to effect the changes needed to lift myself out of the darkness and doom.

I needed money to get the help I needed to be able to earn money.   A vicious cycle - a double bind reminescent of the many double binds I was caught up in throught my childhood where my parents would demand something of me but not give me the resources necessary to accomplish the demanded end and then punishing me because I did not reach the demanded goal.  Each attempt I made would then be dissected and ridiculed.  The outcome would be an internalized voice ridiculing and belittling myself for having the disgusting belief that I could even THINK I could participate in or hope for some success.

I have stepped through a door at last in which I can recognize those voices and stop them.  I am straddling the threshold - one foot in the shame based paralysis and one foot in the house of freedom.  I am no longer afraid.  The only think keeping me at the threshold is lack of experience and practise.  Each day forward I will move further and further into that house of freedom and out of that prison established for me so long ago.

It is difficult indeed to unlearn those destructive self-images.  In great part because they are so deeply ingrained in the unconsciousness.  It has taken me the 2 and 3/4 years that I have been on here to fully understand that the darkness came to me via my N parents in a perverted way that served to boost themselves by destroying me.  And that these thoughts are so deeply buried in my unconsciousness.  But the shared voices of others similarly afflicted and the acknowledgement of the shared experiences has helped me bring those experiences into the open where I am able to successfully challenge them, replace them and allow my true voice to rise above them.

I have finally moved into freedom and functioning.  The old is now behind me and the bitterness and resentment are only shadow images to be cleaned up and discarded along with the helplessness learned so long ago.

I can see the picture that you are painting!  If I understand correctly, it appears that the message that Nparents, plus other N's, attempt to shove down our throats is:  "Don't you DARE outshine ME!"  When I look back on my educational experiences, I was mocked, belittled, and blatantly told that I was a "waste of space" because I was "too retarded to be sitting in a classroom" while I was attending college and, later, university.  Then there was the situation with NDoofus who attempted to:  (1) block me from attending my own graduation because SHE wanted to go sight-seeing...DEMANDING that I go sight-seeing with HER and (2) destroy my regalia.  It suddenly hit me that the N's who were attempting to shove that SICK message down my throat barely graduated high school, if at all.  It made me ask, about their behaviors:  "What is WRONG with this picture?"

Bones

[Gaining Strength]

Bones - you make a great point.  I remember my mother trying to squish my talent as a teen.  I was a competitive tennis player and one summer some family friend had a teenaged boy visiting and I was asked to play tennis with him.  My mother lectured me before hand to "not win."  It sounds innocuous as I write it but it ate at me to the core like acid on my heart.  Looking back at my life I see a pattern of taking up interests that were also my father's and time and time again he would completely drop his participation. I did not notice until many years had passed.  But it was very painful.

Now as a parent I would only be joyful if my son became interested in something that I loved.  My father on the other hand dropped it completely.

Here is a prayer that was posted on an EFT forum.  I have rearranged the order of  some of the line and changed the voice from 3rd person to 1st person.  But I post it here because it is helping me counter that voice that shouts in my unconscious, "Don't you DARE outshine ME!"

Mandela’s Prayer (revised)

My Greatest Fear is not that I am inadequate. (Eye Brow)
My deepest fear is that I am powerful beyond measure. (Side Eye)
It is my light not my darkness that most frightens me. (Under Eye)
I was born to make manifest the glory of God within me. (Under nose)
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around me. (Chin)
My playing small doesn’t serve the world. (collar bone)
I am a child of God. (under arm)
My mother excoriates, “Who are you to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?” (head)
Actually, who am I not to be? (Eye Brow)
 It is not just in some of us, (Side of Eye)
it is in every one, (Under Eye)
And as I let my own light shine, (Under Nose)
I unconsciously give other people Permission (chin)
to do the same. (collarbone)
As I am liberated from my own fear, (Under arm)
My presence automatically liberates others. (Head)

[BonesMS]

Thanks, GS!

I also would like to explore EFT more.

Bones

[Hopalong]

I was asked to play tennis with him.  My mother lectured me before hand to "not win."  It sounds innocuous as I write it but it ate at me to the core like acid on my heart.

The deep sickness of Southern femininity training in two sentences.

Not innocuous. Ignorant. Pernicious. Devastatingly destructive.

BUT ONCE YOU KNOW...you are on your way to liberation.

It's not a dated phrase: women's liberation.
(Whether from male oppression or oppression from females who did not know other than to internalize the oppression. It is females in most countries who mutilate female children, perpetuating the self loathing that is taught to the female.)

It is real and it is never too late.

We all must heal from it, female and male. It hurts us all.
(As does the oppression of males as well, in other guises, but that's another post.)

love,
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

I am entering another day of extreme pain today. 
If those voices operating but on a silent, unheard level, how will I overcome them.

I am trying to push through that stuff and I got this:
they sought to prove that I was _____, _____, and _____.
You can prove anything you want.
My favorite examples are people who are falsely accused, tried and convicted.

I have enormous sympathy for such people - directly because I have felt that my entire life.
And tomorrow I suffer the indignity for facing a tribunal due to yet another false accusation.
Why should I worry if I am innocent?  Noone who has been falsely accused could EVER ask that question.

My parents sought to prove that I was unworthy, undeserving, incompetent, deserving of punishment and no help.
There was NO ONE in my life who would hear my side, who would care.  This has branded me deeply.  It is the thing that has paralyzed me.

I MUST be that voice for myself but it is more difficult than I could have imagined even when I first came here.  It is still indescribably difficult.  I have no choice but to continue the work.  To stop is to give up on life.  But I am tired of the struggle - even in spite of clear signs of progress. But it is the breakthrough that I long for, ney need.

The internalized voices deny me the breakthrough.  How to mute them?  How to know that that time of survival is passed and that while denying those voices then would have meant sure destruction - today listening to them assures destruction.

[Gaining Strength]

REvealing to my parents that I had a problem or that I lacked in some aspect brought out excoriating, harsh, humiliating reaction.  I get it now.  What I was doing was asking for help, being a child, looking for leadership and loving care from people who were not capable of doing so but whose image projected competence and prominence. 

My needs exposed their lapses and there was no penalty harsh enough to mete out for that.
The punishment was sabotage.  The punishment was conviction for the innocent.
This punishment in now completely internalized.  I cannot continue to perpetrate this horrendous punishment on myself.

What kind of parents would do that to their very own children?  The only kind I know of are narcissists.  But where else could I go to hope to find a single soul who might understand?  Even here only one or two will understand what N parents are capable of.  THAT is one of the large issues in my life - that NO ONE would listen to me - would believe what I was up against.  And when noone else would believe, I lost doubt of myself - doubt but not the anger over the injustice. 

I am filled with rage over the injustice done by my parents and by others who denied my own experience to me. 

My mother continues to do this in many ways - even innocuous ways.  She did this to my child the other day.  He is in love with Star Wars and loves to dress up.  He wanted to borrow a cane to dress up like Yoda.  She said, "no."  Now mind you she has more than one and she does not use them.  He asked again.  Again, "No."  Finally he asked why not and after getting no answer asked again.  Because she had no answer she finally relented.  She had been saying, "no" just to say no - no reason.  That is the person who had ultimate power over me my entire life.  She longed to destroy me.  But with me she never relented the way she did with my son.

[gratitude28]

MY NM likes to have "power" over my kids too. The few times she is around them, she will yell at them to be quiet (she tried to play it down by saying that it was her 'General voice' she was using with them). I am super protective of the kids around her. She cannot be trusted with them. She acts like a spoiled child when she is with them. They are sick, GS. Is your son starting to realize this? My kids are, even though I do not say it to them or in front of them.