Loving yourself

[tayana]

How do you learn to love yourself? 

I've made all of these changes in my life, cut my N family out of my life, did what I thought were good things, but I still think I'm worthless.  I still don't think I deserve my partner or the life I've made.  I still assume the worst about everything.  I've tried being more positive and trying look at things in a better light, but it doesn't really help me. 

My partner says I just don't want to, and maybe that's true.  She feels she can't talk to me at all because I assume she's mad at me or that I have to do something to fix the problem.  I blame myself for everything, and at this moment, I really just want to give up.  I don't see the point in continuing this charade of trying to feel better about myself, because I don't.  At the end of the day, I still hate myself.  I'm still not parenting well because I'm a pushover.  I really, truly, and honestly don't see the point of living right now.  There's no point.  I've made a horrid mess of everything.  My partner thinks I"m  a selfish brat because I turn everything around so that it's my fault.  My kid can't follow directions and do what he's told.  He lies and hides things so he can do what he wants.  All of the things I've tried doing have failed.  So there's no point in even trying anymore.  I just want to give up.

[Hopalong]

Tay, hon...you sound really depressed.

I can send a (((((((((((((((Tay))))))))))))))))))) hug...and two recommendations:

1) Please see a supportive, skilled kind therapist you absolutely know is on your side

2) Please consider these physical ways of combatting depression should the shoe fit:
--Rx
--an SAD light (I just had the realization from reading that one who's SAD-ish needs to use it year round as we spend most of our days indoors). The P1 Golite is excellent and inexpensive. The new blue wave, as well, much easier.
--regular exercise
--diet
--judicious supplements including: fish oil, B complex

3) Join a support group or religious group and participate -- so you don't need all your emotional support from your partner only.

love
Hops

[tayana]

Try this again . . .

I'm already taking two meds for depression and anxiety and seeing a T every couple of weeks.

I was crushed last night.  And the whole argument started over something stupid.  My partner is watching two more kids.  When she first decided she was going to do this I told she didn't have to and she said we needed the money.  I stopped trying to talk her out of it.  Now she's all stressed out over having two more kids, because she doesn't like M's current phase (he's going through the obnoxious know it all stage). 

She says I don't even consider myself equal to her.  She feels I don't appreciate her or the things she does for me.  She says I don't do anything and she feels like she has to make all of the decisions and do everything or it doesn't get done.  She feels like if she takes a break the house falls apart.  Any time I try to voice my feelings, somehow I'm assuming things or assuming how she feels or else invalidating her feelings. 

She talks about all she does for me . . . .

Most of the time I fix meals or else make the decision to buy them

I take care of the yard work

I handle all of the money and bill paying

I do a majority of the cleaning. I can clean things up and between the kids and my partner it's decimated in a matter of minutes, and yet, she's upset that I never do anything.  If I don't clean up our room, it never gets cleaned.  She only does it when it gets so disgusting she can't look at it anymore.  I mop the kitchen, scrub the counters, etc.

I have projects that I really wanted to do, but I've gotten no support for them.  But I had to be behind her 100% on the reordering of our basement.  She could care less that I hate the landscaping around my house, that our back yard is a mud pit.  Or rather she wants it done, but she wants me to hire someone to do it.  At 2000, I don't think so.  She was upset because I tore out the landscape in the front and she liked it because it was symmettrical and covered up the ugly brick on the front of the house.  She didn't help.  She didn't offer to help shovel the rock out of the bed, no she complained because I wasn't working fast enough.  I get one evening and one day a week to work on these things.

I never have gotten my office set up, and now my office is slated to be a nursery, so I don't even want to bother. 

I keep getting rid of stuff that I like because I have nowhere to put it and my partner doesn't like it.  I realize I'm being somewhat petty, but I just feel like things I really care about she doesn't.  It's my "pet project," but if she gets behind something then I'm supposed to be enthusiastic about it.  I don't feel enthusiastic about much of anything lately.

She's around M more than me and she no longer knows how to deal with him.  She can't handle his mouth, his quirks and she expects me to find a solution.  I can't even talk to her about it anymore.  Half the time she thinks my suggestions are a waste of time.

She says I treat her like she's my mom every day and she hates it, but I don't consciously. 

I just feel overwhelmed.  I feel like every damned thing is my responsibility.  I asked her to call about the dog's meds and she didn't even do that.  I had to.  She claims she's tired of being the one making all of the decisions, but I can't figure out what decisions she's making.  She puts everything on me and as long as things are good, we're a team, but when things go bad, then I have to figure something out.

I don't know how to deal with it anymore.

[Hopalong]

Therapist WEEKLY?
Support group (for you only) WEEKLY?
Church (only if liberal, welcoming etc.) classes, covenant group, discussion/meaning of life etc topic classes) WEEKLY?

I think at least 2x/week you need to be actively doing something for YOU in a SUPPORTIVE environment.

(At my UU church they offer child care for a lot of things, so single parents can get into the community w/o sacrificing kid time. It's good for the kids too, to be part of a larger community they feel safe in and get to be known in.)

Maybe you do think, unconsciously, she's your mother.

Maybe she's not a very supportive partner (sure doesn't sound like one) AND she triggers your FOO stuff about your mother. It's not either or, maybe both are true.

Don't have a baby with a person who's not kind to you and who is complaining about everything. Aaaggh.

Fight for yourself, Tay. This is depression talking, all the "give up" stuff.

Remember what a battle it took for you to not go all vampire-drained around your mother?
This does sound familiar...

You are a young woman. A single parent. A tired working mother.

You NEED a lot of support and help plus the therapy.

I hope you'll grit your teeth and go get some.

You are worth it and if you have to "FAKE" believing that you're worth it to get yourself into some ongoing supportive circles, then fake it. It will change.

It will change if you give it the compost, which is finding and going to things like that.

imn-ho, with love,
Hops

[lighter]

You sound like you're feeling too low to see the forest for the trees, tay.

Always under so much pressure..... so very little help and your partner's saying very confusing things.

I think you believe some of them, true or not, and you're just too overwhelmed to figure out what's what.

((((tay))))  I don't know what to tell you but..... I do know everyone's children manipulate and act out at some point.

You're a good mama.... and stronger than you know.

Mo2

[sKePTiKal]

Oh Tay....  ((((((((((((TAY))))))))))))))).

I'm surprised that you are still in this relationship. I wonder why. Have you tried writing out a list of pros & cons of the relationship? Is the price you're paying worth what you feel you are gaining? What is it you believe the relationship is providing for YOU? Is that something you can find concrete examples of? Or are you trying to recreate yourself into someone else, in the hopes that the relationship will become what you see as a possibility... a hope?

All that might sound a bit harsh, I realize. But it's what I'd ask my daughter to think about. We call these "mommy-lectures". It's offered up with love - but no shrinking from reality.

I'm VERY concerned that you feel responsible for things you have no business being responsible for (H's feelings). I'm so sorry that you're doubting your own very good sense, too. You have a lot of good, bright, kind, and creative common sense. I remember you being energetic, cheerful, creative and moving ahead with your life, in excellent concrete fashion, before this relationship. You don't have to end that, just to have a relationship.

You were loving yourself then, I think. You don't have to give that up for a relationship - I don't think. And if a certain relationship does insist on it... then, for me, the price of the relationship would be too high. If the relationship can be changed, then the next step I'd take would be to work on it. If attempts to do so, only result in more of the same... sigh... then ultimately, loving yourself would require saving yourself from the emotional and psychological costs of the relationship.

Would that also be emotionally difficult? Probably. And of course, there are the financial issues to weigh, also. But Tay - think about loving yourself as having the god-given right to want what you want and not allowing anyone to judge that or make you feel bad about it. You most DEFINITELY deserve to have what you want in a relationship. Relationships are a two-way street. Both parties give and take... according to their abilities. It doesn't sound like H is giving you much that you need or want; on the contrary.

It sounds like you want both the relationship and to not feel miserable while in it, at the same time. What's the probability of that?

(((((((((TAY))))))))))

I can't tell you what to do. And you can completely ignore my questions. But, if you do start to think about them you'll start getting closer to answering your own question, about how to love yourself, I think. Hops' suggestions are wise, too. You need a support network of people outside of that relationship. That's one of my weak areas, for sure. But for you - it'll provide other opinions than H's and your T's. You need the reassurance of other feedback, right now. Nothing wrong with that!

Sending you amazonian care, comfort and strength...

[Ami]

I am sorry you are feeling such despair, Tay.             Ami

[Dawning]

How do you learn to love yourself?

I'm not skilled at it - yet.  However, here is my answer.

By not putting any conditions on loving yourself.  You know, how everyone talks about "unconditional love?"  we always seem to want it from the outside.  If one could love thyself unconditionally, it might just work wonders.  (and this board and certain members on it have been great guiding lights for me in this regard so I'm glad you're here.)

xo,
Dawning

[Ami]

Dear (((Dawning)))
 That is such a smart answer. You are right. It is not about the outside. 
  A relationship can't give it to me. It would be easier if it could.
 
    Ami

[gratitude28]

Tayana,
I was so happy to see your name here. And, honestly, I was hoping to open your message and find that you were trying life on your own (with M) for a while. It seemed you were leaning that way for a while, and I really believe that is what you need in order to know yourself and love yourself. Have you given any more thought to taking time for yourself and learning what you need and want beofre you can try to share that with another person? Without assigning any blame, I think that you were not ready for a serious relationship, which has made it hard for you to see what is right or wrong with what you have now. I am also a firm believer in focusing on the child as much as possible and enjoying him, as you will only have him for a limited time, and only ONCE. He needs you.
My son is also in the know-it-or-all phase. There are days when I want to sell him But most of the other times make up for any annoying behavior. A child needs us there to love them even when he is awful and annoying and, in our house, hitting puberty.
Tayana, why are you letting someone make you miserable again????? Really, I think that is what you need to figure out.
(((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))
Love, Beth

[Ami]

Dear Beth
 Those are my thoughts exactly. You expressed them so well.      Ami

[tayana]

Hey all . . . I'm feeling better the last few days.

I know I wasn't ready for this relationship, and when we get along, it's great.  It's when H starts playing T and starts her whole " you don't do anything around here" business and "I'm so stressed out . . ." that things start to go downhill.  I don't know how to handle it.

I don't understand why she feels that if she doesn't take control the house falls apart . . . the majority of the time, I'm doing the cleaning up.  If she has made piles I can't touch them because I don't know what she wants to do with them and she gets upset if I recycle something she wanted to keep.

In the 15 mos we've been together . . . I've paid off her car, bought her new car when the old one blew up.  I paid for her to go back to school because she feels like she is a loser and she's not taking care of her family.  I encouraged her to do her theater stuff because it made her happy.

I manage all of the finances, and she likes it that way.  It's a big relief she says.  It's a huge stressor for me.  I wanted her to be involved with the new landscaping, but her response is always, "I don't care."  We don't decide things together.  I end up deciding because she won't give me an opinion or else she'll say, "You'll just do whatever you want anyway," and then she gets upset when I do make a decision.

I second guess myself a lot, a lot more than I did before this relationship, because I'm constantly trying to include her.  She said she was feeling excluded, so I tried including her, but she can be overbearing and take over situations.  She frequently gets upset because I don't move at a fast enough pace regarding work and life in general.  She gets upset because she's "always late" when we plan to go someplace together, even though I usually end up waiting on her.  She waits to get up until ten minutes before we have to go to get dressed and then gets upset that I don't think of all possiblities as far as what we need for the day.  It drives me nuts.  If we need the  camera and I didn't grab it, somehow that's my fault.  Or I have to wait for her to change etc, but it's my fault we're late.

It's frustrating.  I love her, but she freqently makes me feel inferior and incompetent.  Then she gets upset when I don't consider myself an equal to her.  I'm very confused right now.

I made a pact with myself to do the things I've wanted to do around the house.  I got my office put together.  I'm going to clean out the garage this weekend.  I've wanted to get pictures in frames for months.  I decided it's time to do that.  I hate that my house ends up looking like a disaster every weekend, so I'm going to make sure it doesn't.  I'm going to make bread, even though my partner thinks it's a waste of cabinet space for the supplies.

[Hopalong]

When communication is brittle and critical...

it's very wearing on the spirit.

I can understand why it wearies you, Tay.

Love is love, but it's not magical. It doesn't change personalities, really...

I hope you enjoy your weekend and don't feel criticized.

hugs
Hops

[Ami]

I am convinced that the hardest relationship is the one with myself. I have looked outside for a lifetime for people, things, achievements etc so I could arrive home.Home eluded me.
 Home is accepting myself, being easy on myself, loving myself .
 I love a man. He is the man of my dreams but the hardest part is loving me.    Ami

[lighter]

I'm so glad you're feeling better, tay.

It sounds like the majority of your confusion comes about when you're reacting to your partners confusing statements, that seem not to make sense considering the circumstances.

Remember to trust yourself, tay. 

I think you've been doubting your feelings and perceptions for so long......

you have to be reminded not to dismiss them.

It sounds like you know exactly what's going on.

It's just too difficult to discuss or acknowledge for your partner.

That's her stuff, spilling over into your stuff.

You seem like you're carrying more responsibility and being accused of carrying less?

Mo2