[I wrote this before Hopalong's reply] My first reaction to your puzzlement is (guess what) shame! I must be so wrong. I must want the wrong things. I'm going to be shamed for what I want. So instead of reminding myself about what I do want, I almost start thinking 'what could it be I want that might be shameful. because that must be what they think I want and that must be what I *do* want!'. Oh God - I have a memory. It's a little embarrassing. We were at the seaside. Very British! I was sitting in a deckchair. My mother was helping my father change into his swimming trunks in front of me, facing me, using me as a modesty shelter (still very British), with a towel around his waist. Only when the towel was stripped away, what was staring me in the face was a rather large....well, you guess - hanging out of the side of the trunks.
And *I* was the one in trouble. It was always my mother's style to blame the other person if she felt badly about something except I didn't know that then. I think I was probably about 9. The whole incident was all my fault because I shouldn't have been 'looking'. But I was NOT sneaking a peek. It was just THERE! Yes, very innocent, very naive, no brothers - and there are probably people on the forum who have had horrible sexual experiences - this is not one of those. It's just about the blame and shame thing. I think I was just too young to think anything in particular of the incident - I didn't feel badly about what had happened - except somehow I had done something wrong.
My mother's shame button had been hit (after all, she was the one in charge of what was happening there!) and so she fair and square hit mine to balance things out. Come to think of it, nobody cared how *I* might feel.
Having written that, I'm stunned at the extent to which it reflects my current feelings.
Anyway, what I do want from the other people in my life is what only recently have I begun to believe I deserve (but perhaps I am wrong to want it and perhaps you'll want to say I shouldn't think about wanting) - affirmation, honesty, reliability from those above, cooperation from those below. But all these people came into my life in a past when I was a different person - before all the dominoes started falling...
And there's something else...I am trying to run before I can walk. I'm not well enough in mind or body or emotions. But I can't bear not to be on the ball STILL. I fell apart the other day at an event - something happened and I sobbed, my whole body just sank when something untoward happened and I ended up sobbing. A previous time something similar happened and I just walked out. In the old days I'd have made the best of it. Every time I try to do what I used to do, I'm not up to it. I'm snappy. I express myself 'too loud'. I am desperate to say 'after all that has happened I AM (still) good at these skills'. And all I'm doing is proving to people who probably never even doubted me that I CANT and never could. I need to tell myself the truth : I need to walk. Maybe I need to crawl. I am not strong enough. I've never been not strong enough. But recuperation time is just that - 'being ill' time leads to 'recovery' time, not to 'jump back into the pot' time. Back later!!
