Help Wanted...visit required by N

[Singer]

Dinny,

What a terrible thing for your father to do. It does sound like a way to assert control which is such a big issue with N's.

 My mother felt very competitive when my sister and I started dating. She had always been the family beauty and was constantly trying to let us know that our admirers were secretly admiring her more. And if a particular boyfriend didn't seem impressed by her she'd immediately start putting him down. Too short, too thin, funny shoes...it didn't matter, the criticism wouldn't let up until it was much easier just to never bring anyone home.

 I was lucky to have a father who, while he didn't stand up for us, at least was accepting. It must have been devastating to feel threatened by your father that way.

In retrospect I think part of the reason I gained weight upon returning to my hometown was to subconciously let my Nmother know that I wasn't in competition with her. But it didn't matter; the competition is in her mind, not mine so I have no way to end it. That was very hard for me to learn. I think I must have some control issues too, now that I think about it.

Singer

[Anonymous]

Dear Singer,

I have control issues, too.  How could we not?  We were taught that behavior our whole lives.  I've recognised some narcissitic tendencies in myself, especially when I was younger.  My therapist says we all have them to a certain degree in order to survive.  She wrote a great book that explains NPD and teaches you how to handle them.  It's called "The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists" by Elenor Payson.  I feel so blessed that she lives in Michigan.  She's helped alot.  

It's very difficult to stop playing the game with them.  I wanted so desperately to be heard that I'd keep trying.  It was like beating my head against the wall.  It's impossible.  Lose weight for yourself. Be kind to yourself.  Mother yourself, or else find a surrogate mother.  Try to emotionally step outside the relationship and see that is isn't about you.  It's about your mother's insecurity.  When I realized how pathetic my parents are, I couldn't help but pity them.  They don't know love.  What could be worse in life?

Finally, being able to forgive them has been truly liberating for me.  It makes me feel better when I pray for them.  Learn to stop playing the game.  I'll be praying for you.

Dinny