I hope it’s okay to start a separate thread for this, but the subject is different from the earlier thread that I started, so I thought it might be best to do it this way. I hate that this is so long, but I have trouble writing short posts about complicated issues.
I’ve been seeing the same therapist for a few years now. She knows a lot about NPD, and sometimes her thoughts are really good, but other times, her advice makes me feel uncomfortable. She often advises me to do something (or NOT do something) that feels unnatural to me, or goes against my gut instincts.
As I've already posted in another thread, my estranged N mother is dying of cancer. She broke the entire family apart, so things have become quite complicated. I have never had a relationship with my younger brother (the golden child) because M wouldn't let him. Later, when he married an N himself, N wife (who is really, big time whacked out sick) pulled him even farther away.
I always felt that my sister has wanted to have a relationship with me, but again, completely under M’s control and told to stay away from me. So my relationship with her has never been more than yearly birthday cards and Christmas gifts.
A few days ago, I received something that blew me away. My sister wrote a very long letter, in which she opened up about everything. She told me details of her struggle with breast cancer, and talked about M’s impending death. She told me that M had insisted on having a new will drawn (even though community property laws leave everything to my dad, but perhaps she wanted a final act of control). Sis said that M does not want any money going to my brother’s N wife (battle of the narcissists here). So the will was altered from the original, in which he was the sole heir, to an even three-way split. (What a concept – treating all three of your children equally.)
My sister was given a slightly larger amount because she is executor of the will, so is being given extra money to cover related expenses. None of this matters to me, as I’ve known for 30 years that their precious boy would inherit everything, so I accepted long ago that I wouldn’t get a plug nickel, and am perfectly fine with that. What shook me was my sister apologizing to me for her receiving 10% more. She feels guilty over this and says she will share as much as she can with me. (At this point I burst into tears).
She also told me that she had been given all of M's jewelry, which she intends to split with me. In all honesty, I don’t want M’s jewelry laying around to remind me of her, but I thought it was quite a defiant act on my sister’s part, to do something that M would NEVER approve of. It seems that S is already feeling that she has been set free and will finally be able to live her life on her terms. She has been completely under M’s control, so for her to go against her wishes like this is MAJOR.
SO, here’s where the therapist comes in. My first thought after receiving this letter was to write back to my sister, and explain to her my situation, and why hubby and I will most likely be unable to visit M. My sister has always known that I’m on M’s you-know-what list, but doesn’t know the details, especially the details of the last few years, in which things have really escalated. My sister is the only one in the family with her head on straight enough to comprehend what I’m saying. I just feel that someone needs to know what is really going on, and she’s the only one who won’t put her fingers in her ears and go “la la la la la la la I can’t hear you.”
Anyway, my therapist says no, do not write back, unless it’s just a generic “thinking of you” card. She says that it would be selfish of me to write such a letter, and that I would only be burdening S with my problems. She says that I would be the only one to gain from this and that it would be inappropriate.
I’m torn. I really don’t agree. I KNOW that my sister would not feel that I was dumping on her. And you know, even if I AM the only one to benefit, so what? After 30 years of abuse, am I not entitled to do something that might help my emotional state?
This therapist also insists that I need to stop thinking of myself and start thinking of my father, and doing whatever is necessary to take care of him, even if it means eating crow and letting M get her finals digs in so she can die happy. She says to just suck it up, and do it for my dad, because she’s dying and can’t hurt me anymore. I don't believe that to be true either. I still go to bed in tears over things she did to me 30 years ago. If I go to visit her, she could plot something so hurtful that I’ll take it to bed with me every night for the rest of my life. Not only can she still hurt me now, but she can continue to hurt me after she’s gone.
Are there others on this board with a therapist? I just wonder if it’s common to feel conflicted over a therapist’s advice. I've tried to tell myself that a therapist isn't going to get it right ALL of the time. One side of me says that I can’t get by without counseling, while the other says that the therapist might actually be doing more harm than good. I’ve had several therapists over the years, and this woman is by far the best, yet still, I often leave feeling . . . I don’t know . . . not right. I mean, the fact that I’m sitting here feeling upset over some of the things my therapist has told me, that’s definitely not right.
