Author Topic: Can therapy do more harm than good?  (Read 7041 times)

JustKathy

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Can therapy do more harm than good?
« on: June 30, 2009, 06:49:15 PM »
I hope it’s okay to start a separate thread for this, but the subject is different from the earlier thread that I started, so I thought it might be best to do it this way. I hate that this is so long, but I have trouble writing short posts about complicated issues.

I’ve been seeing the same therapist for a few years now. She knows a lot about NPD, and sometimes her thoughts are really good, but other times, her advice makes me feel uncomfortable. She often advises me to do something (or NOT do something) that feels unnatural to me, or goes against my gut instincts.

As I've already posted in another thread, my estranged N mother is dying of cancer. She broke the entire family apart, so things have become quite complicated. I have never had a relationship with my younger brother (the golden child) because M wouldn't let him. Later, when he married an N himself, N wife (who is really, big time whacked out sick) pulled him even farther away.

I always felt that my sister has wanted to have a relationship with me, but again, completely under M’s control and told to stay away from me. So my relationship with her has never been more than yearly birthday cards and Christmas gifts.

A few days ago, I received something that blew me away. My sister wrote a very long letter, in which she opened up about everything. She told me details of her struggle with breast cancer, and talked about M’s impending death. She told me that M had insisted on having a new will drawn (even though community property laws leave everything to my dad, but perhaps she wanted a final act of control). Sis said that M does not want any money going to my brother’s N wife (battle of the narcissists here). So the will was altered from the original, in which he was the sole heir, to an even three-way split. (What a concept – treating all three of your children equally.)

My sister was given a slightly larger amount because she is executor of the will, so is being given extra money to cover related expenses. None of this matters to me, as I’ve known for 30 years that their precious boy would inherit everything, so I accepted long ago that I wouldn’t get a plug nickel, and am perfectly fine with that. What shook me was my sister apologizing to me for her receiving 10% more. She feels guilty over this and says she will share as much as she can with me. (At this point I burst into tears).

She also told me that she had been given all of M's jewelry, which she intends to split with me. In all honesty, I don’t want M’s jewelry laying around to remind me of her, but I thought it was quite a defiant act on my sister’s part, to do something that M would NEVER approve of. It seems that S is already feeling that she has been set free and will finally be able to live her life on her terms. She has been completely under M’s control, so for her to go against her wishes like this is MAJOR.

SO, here’s where the therapist comes in. My first thought after receiving this letter was to write back to my sister, and explain to her my situation, and why hubby and I will most likely be unable to visit M. My sister has always known that I’m on M’s you-know-what list, but doesn’t know the details, especially the details of the last few years, in which things have really escalated. My sister is the only one in the family with her head on straight enough to comprehend what I’m saying. I just feel that someone needs to know what is really going on, and she’s the only one who won’t put her fingers in her ears and go “la la la la la la la I can’t hear you.”

Anyway, my therapist says no, do not write back, unless it’s just a generic “thinking of you” card. She says that it would be selfish of me to write such a letter, and that I would only be burdening S with my problems. She says that I would be the only one to gain from this and that it would be inappropriate.

I’m torn. I really don’t agree. I KNOW that my sister would not feel that I was dumping on her. And you know, even if I AM the only one to benefit, so what? After 30 years of abuse, am I not entitled to do something that might help my emotional state?

This therapist also insists that I need to stop thinking of myself and start thinking of my father, and doing whatever is necessary to take care of him, even if it means eating crow and letting M get her finals digs in so she can die happy. She says to just suck it up, and do it for my dad, because she’s dying and can’t hurt me anymore. I don't believe that to be true either. I still go to bed in tears over things she did to me 30 years ago. If I go to visit her, she could plot something so hurtful that I’ll take it to bed with me every night for the rest of my life. Not only can she still hurt me now, but she can continue to hurt me after she’s gone.

Are there others on this board with a therapist? I just wonder if it’s common to feel conflicted over a therapist’s advice. I've tried to tell myself that a therapist isn't going to get it right ALL of the time. One side of me says that I can’t get by without counseling, while the other says that the therapist might actually be doing more harm than good. I’ve had several therapists over the years, and this woman is by far the best, yet still, I often leave feeling . . . I don’t know . . . not right. I mean, the fact that I’m sitting here feeling upset over some of the things my therapist has told me, that’s definitely not right.
« Last Edit: June 30, 2009, 06:55:41 PM by JustKathy »

Ami

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Re: Can therapy do more harm than good?
« Reply #1 on: June 30, 2009, 10:54:39 PM »
Dear Kathy
 For me, every therapist caused me more harm than good.I trusted them, not myself.I got dependent on them. Many encouraged it.Others were too sick to help anyone.
 I can not see myself trying therapy,again.
 My M, a full blown NPD, is a practicing therapist in Boston. Who knows what she is like when they sit down next to her?
 I have a Masters in Counseling and I could not have been a help to anyone, either. Just getting a degree has NOTHING to do with mental health. Remember that always. Trust yourself,Kathy.
   Love to you,  Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

ann3

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Re: Can therapy do more harm than good?
« Reply #2 on: July 01, 2009, 06:26:51 AM »
Hi Kathy,

IMO, get rid of this therapist.  What I have learned in my journey thru Nism is to ALWAYS listen to your voice within, your intuition, your gut feeling.  Also, it sounds wrong (co-dependent?) that your therapist tells you to put your dad's interets above your own.

I'd gone thru a couple of therapists until I found one I jived with & had a good vibe with.  Therapy has helped me immensely, but you got to find the right person.  I also think it's good to read lots of books on Nism, co-dependency, boundaries & cognitive therapy:  Nina Brown, Alice Miller, Susan Forward, Beverly Engel, John Bradshaw, "The Betrayal Bond", just to name a few.

RE: your sister, my suggestion is don't put anything in writing.  Instead, call her & meet for lunch & talk to her in person.  Maybe you can revive your relationship with her.  Good luck.

sKePTiKal

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Re: Can therapy do more harm than good?
« Reply #3 on: July 01, 2009, 07:39:30 AM »
Hey Kathy,

I too was told not to tell my brother about the trauma-memories that I recovered. So far, I haven't. I have, however, gotten more involved in a "relationship" - of sorts - with my brother since my Dad died and we are settling the estate and keeping my Dad's business. Maybe some of my experience can shed some light on your T's advice.

My brother & I have different memories of "that time". He remembered things that I didn't. Both of us suffered pretty severe psychological & emotional issues because of it. My brother, K, didn't talk for maybe 6 months. At 10, he started acting like a 2 yr old, sucking his thumb again. When I brought up the idea of sharing what I remembered with him, I was warned against it. I think what I longed for, was that sense of deep validation - yes, those things happened and a connection with him that went back to a time way before that. As far as being selfish - I'd take that comment with a grain of salt. That desire to have someone who "knows" too... well, I think we all have that. But it does involve a lot of risk.

It's quite possible that your sister has different issues than you do and that her perception of your mom and the family are also different. More than possible, really - I'd say probably. When I was visiting with K, during my Dad's funeral, he did ask if I knew what was wrong with my Mom; she's lived with him and his family, for 10 years. I didn't say much; just told him to google Borderline Personality Disorder and see if the shoe fit. Since then, he's brought a couple things that bother him and dumped them on me, for explanations. I don't really give him much because - my god - he's 50 years old... he needs to work out his "stuff" without big sister holding his hand, ya know?

As we've gone through a series of business tasks and decisions, I've been trying to make sense of some of my brother's statements and behavior. On the surface, he's sabotaging the whole process and opening himself up to be taken advantage of. It would appear that he's ignorant of basic business principles and he refuses to make time for the things that are required to settle the estate in a timely fashion. He has problems with his marriage; his kids; and my mother. And now, he has to be engaged in this process with me.

And I've become a target for various accusations, ancient judgements, and probably... some of my mother's snide whispers and resentment, as well. But the fact is: my brother doesn't want the estate settled because then he has to face and deal with the issues that he now escapes by being a workaholic, frequent travel, and unwarranted long, late hours in the office. He doesn't see that the problem he's trying to "escape" is his own emotional baggage... and that he's not interacting or relating to his household, at all effectively. It is how he copes. And this estate/business is a huge threat to that style of coping. (and yes, that's my own subjective opinion... but his behavior is being noticed by the trustee who is trying to find a way to work with K's passive-aggressive approach).

Once I realized that, I started to distance myself from him a bit. He is trying to get "big sister" to tell him what he should do; help him deal with all this emotional baggage... sort out what's wrong. I don't dare take that on, because I can't be responsible for his work on himself. He may think of me, as being the mom-role that I used to have to fulfill back then... but I just can't allow myself to do that again. I have already told him, therapy is a good thing.

I really do believe that. Each of us has to do this work on our own. And because our emotions - and how we chose/choose to act on them - are so very unique to each of us, it really is safer to do this alone. I feel I'm back to walking on eggshells, interacting with my brother. He needs to get to healing his own way... and I can't do it for him. At the same time, I have to carefully protect my own boundaries, so that I'm not drawn into the same old FOO patterns, roles and dysfunction.

So maybe that's why your T warned against telling all. I would modify that warning a bit. Without being specific, you may be able to allude to events or situations that explain your absence and if your sister truly is sympathetic, she'll understand. Take it one small baby step at a time and assess her responses. The advice about your father... well... I think you should ask your T to explain more. I don't know that part of the story... so I can't comment. If you have had a good relationship with her up to this point, give her the benefit of the doubt and also give her the opportunity to explain what you're not understanding about her advice. She might just have been having a rough day...

... or you might be a point in your work, where she's challenging you. So, ya sorta gotta ask her, right? And talk about how you feel about her advice/warning. I know my T "pushed" me a few a times... and those pushes were absolutely extremely valuable to me, down the road.
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ann3

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Re: Can therapy do more harm than good?
« Reply #4 on: July 01, 2009, 09:09:37 AM »
Kathy,

I misread your post & missed the part about sharing past trauma with your sister.  For what it's worth, I think Amber's response is excellent, especially re: the sibling relationship:  how each sibling must work out their own emotional baggage & each sibling experiences past events & parents differently.

Amber,
Sorry to hear your father passed & that you are now dealing with the estate.  I'm in the same boat re: my mother's estate.

"I feel I'm back to walking on eggshells, interacting with my brother. He needs to get to healing his own way... and I can't do it for him. At the same time, I have to carefully protect my own boundaries, so that I'm not drawn into the same old FOO patterns, roles and dysfunction."

Oh, yes, me too.

JustKathy

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Re: Can therapy do more harm than good?
« Reply #5 on: July 01, 2009, 04:25:33 PM »
Thank you all SO much for the wonderful advice. I probably do need to drop this therapist. I keep trying to convince myself that I need her, because after ten or so different attempts at therapy, this one has been the most knowledgeable. But yes, she is upsetting me a lot in telling me to place my father's needs above my own, especially considering that my father did absolutely nothing to stop my mother’s abuse, and in some cases, helped to enable her.

You know, when you’re the child of an N, you grow up believing that you MUST respect authority figures, even if they’re wrong, and this is causing a good deal of conflict. My brain is telling me, “she’s a doctor, she knows what is right,” but my heart is crying and saying “no, I can’t do this.” I’ve told her several times that father was in many ways an accomplice, and her response has been “Maybe he wasn’t a good parent, but he was better than your Mother.” No. Not good enough. I’m seeing T again in a few weeks, so maybe I need to really hash this one out with her, and if I leave the office feeling like crap again, call it quits.

As for my sister, unfortunately, snail mail is the only thing that she responds to. She crawled into a shell back in high school when M starting abusing me, and has lived completely under M’s control ever since. She won’t answer the phone and won’t respond to email. She lives in another state, so I’m not able to meet with her in person, but even if I were able to, she wouldn’t go out without M’s permission, or without a parent present. She’s like a little child – 47 years old, but lives with her doll collection, has no friends, and has never dated – all the result of M’s control. She bought the house two doors down from my parents and relies on them for everything. They care for her as if she were still in sixth grade. My father goes over several times a week and takes care of the house, her vehicle maintenance, mows the lawn, you name it. This is why I was so stunned to receive an honest letter from her. This is the first time in over thirty years that she has acted independently. But Amber is probably right, that S’s perception of the family is much different from mine, so I have to consider that.

Ami, I can’t believe that your N mother is a practicing therapist. That’s just plain frightening, and a real eye-opener for me . . . just because you have a degree and a license doesn’t make one qualified.

About 15 years ago I went to a therapist who knew nothing about NPD. She didn’t believe anything I told her about my mother, and labeled me a “drama queen.” I’ve never gotten over that. I’ve stuck with the current T because she’s the closest I’ve ever come to a good match, but maybe I’m making a mistake in settling for “close” rather than “good.”

Seriously, I have gotten the best, most amazing advice from the people on this board.

Ann, thanks for the book recommendations. I have several books, but none that are on your list. I’m always looking for new and better books on the subject.

Amber, I think your advice is good about writing to my sister without dumping too much on her. Since she took such a huge leap in writing to me, I feel like I owe her some kind of response. She’s probably getting the worst of this right now. Since she lives next door, most of the mess is going to end up on her shoulders, and she’s recovering from breast cancer. My heart is just breaking for her. I hope that M's death finally sets her free, and allows her to grow up and be an adult, for her own sake. One day my father will be gone too, and she'll be unable to function. I am planning on moving back to CA next year, so at that point I'll be able to be more physically available to her.

My brother is a selfish piece of crap who lives with a crazy N wife and only cares about money and material things. He’ll distance himself while M is ill, especially now that the will has been changed. If there’s nothing in it for him, he won’t come around. I hope M is happy. She created that. Spoiled him rotten and taught him that life was all taking and no giving. Care for his dying mother for FREE? Not a chance.

What an effed up family she raised.
« Last Edit: July 01, 2009, 04:35:29 PM by JustKathy »

Dr. Richard Grossman

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Re: Can therapy do more harm than good?
« Reply #6 on: July 01, 2009, 05:27:36 PM »
Hi Just Kathy,

Just a few thoughts on this topic which is dear to my heart.

Yes, sometimes therapists do more harm than good.  I wrote about my own therapy here:  http://voicelessness.com/dreams,_imagined_dreams.html

In my experience it’s very hard to find a good therapist.  I have known many in my career, and the vast majority I would not send a family member or friend to.  But some are excellent and life saving.

I give very little advice to my patients.  (Although sometimes, I must say, I offer excellent advice to my patients--on things like how to fix a toilet, or what’s wrong with their car.  And sometimes they offer very good advice to me on other  things.)  In my experience, the other “a” word:  attachment is far more important especially when it comes to adult children of narcissistic parents.  Advice does not establish or re-establish a person’s place in the world or help them feel comfortable in their own skin.  Attachment does.  Attachment depends not only on what kind of therapist a person is, but what kind of human being they are.  There are excellent recent threads on the topic of attachment on the Board (thanks, Phoenix Rising and others!).

I can’t say whether or not your therapist is worth keeping, but to me it would depend on the quality of your attachment to her and hers to you.

Best,

Richard
« Last Edit: July 01, 2009, 05:30:25 PM by voicel2 »

darlingdaughter

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Re: Can therapy do more harm than good?
« Reply #7 on: July 01, 2009, 07:24:44 PM »
Hi Kathy,
 What strikes me as wrong with your therapist is that she is encouraging you to not validate your feelings and take care of yourself.  Isn't that what it means to grow up in a disfunctional home where the childrens needs are ignored.  When i was growing up I learned what was expected of me. That in order to survive I needed to suck it up and be the "good daughter".  i had to bury my feelings and go with the flow or else face the possiblity of abandonment and rejection.  There comes a time when you realize how wrong this is.  At this point i dont feel that you owe your father anything.  He needs to face the consequences of how he raised you. His support was not there when you needed him and now you need to care of yourself and undo the damage and not be subjected to or guilted into facing further pain.
I was so happy to read your post on another thread that you have been healing some of your childhood losses by treating yourself to things you couldn't have.  I like the idea of re-parenting myself.  i think it is healing to think of my subconscience voice as my inner child.  As you know i have the same delemma of having my N mom in the hospital.  As i stuggle to do the "right thing" i picture this child pulling my hand and saying "I dont want to be here".  it is up to me now to listen to that voice and take of care that child because one else will. 
My inner child, she is my subconscience saying this isnt right for me.  The more I listen and take care of myself the happier I am becoming. 

You have the right to take care of you Kathy.  It is a god given right, given to you the day you were born.  No one else will do it for you and you dont need to justify, defend or explain yourself to anyone.  You were and are a great person!

I hear in your posts what caring and sensitive person you are . That is why it can be a stuggle with that "inner critical parent" in your head and it certainly doesnt help when you have a therapist trying to play similar tapes for you.  Try to remember that you were always a "good daughter" and you were programmed to do the "right thing".  You were a smart girl who learned to survive..  You dont have to follow that programming now.  You can honor your feelings and be true to you.

I am so glad that you are so feeling, it means that you are not shutting off and are staying very much awake in this process of healing.

ps. thank you for your warm welcome on you last thread.  i was going to comment more but i wasnt sure how to do that without opening a floodgate of my own issues that would take over your post. LOL. I was really happy to soak up all the wisdom that was shared by all the wonderful people here, so thanks for posting about your mom.

Hugs,
Cathy

Ami

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Re: Can therapy do more harm than good?
« Reply #8 on: July 01, 2009, 11:13:37 PM »
I think if we, children of N's , can attach to s/one we can heal. Attachment is so poweful. It is like water to a dying man. I have been able to attach and I am coming alive like a deflated balloon which finally has filled with air.
 I think we can heal if we can attach.     Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

sKePTiKal

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Re: Can therapy do more harm than good?
« Reply #9 on: July 02, 2009, 07:20:55 AM »
Kathy:

All the responses - and something you said - are prompting me to warn you again about getting involved with your sister. I'm not suggesting that you avoid her - just be very, very careful of yourself. What you said about your feelings of compassion for her, are one of the ways I know I've been "hooked" into old FOO crap. It's like walking through a minefield filled with fun-house mirrors to try to interact with my brother or my mother. I can have the best intentions in the world... and still find myself stung with a "gotcha". I bounce back from those better now; but ya know what? They still hurt.

One of my weak areas - still - is feeling as though I need to... I have to... step in, fix things, protect others, even from their selves, show others how to do things, put things right - no matter how much it costs me emotionally. I guess I have the "need to be needed" complex. Knowing this helps sometimes; but when that's combined with a deep-seated belief that "I don't matter".... LOL!! I'm a lamb to the slaughter, really. (This reflex was a positive when I was a 24/7 tech support person; or maybe it just kept me trapped in that.)

One thing I try to do is decide BEFORE I have to interact, is just when/where I will draw a boundary for myself. This isn't always possible, but even a rough idea is better than none. Identify for myself, when my radar will be programmed to give the alert to not commit myself... to say I'll think about it... give myself a chance to distance myself, reassess the situation and whether I really want to be involved - and if it feels safe to do so. Especially when people have shown me, that they are so needy (or greedy) themselves that they won't respect my limits - a boundary - on how much help I'm offering.

I had to address the lack of "sense of self" - or maybe ego is the right word here - first, before I could start to work on letting go that reflex to do for others what they more appropriately need to do for themselves. It's like I didn't have an ego... a part of "me" that could balance taking care of myself and caring about & for others.... something that usually develops in the early attachment bonding process with "mom". It's not that I didn't have the ability... more that I wasn't self-aware enough of my needs to set appropriate boundaries with others. And of course, my FOO role was to sacrifice myself for the needs of others, which also made the scapegoat. And yes, in the early stages of that "repair" work, I did have to get "selfish" and it felt "wrong"; wasn't at all comfortable. The idea I got, was that perhaps your T is thinking that you may be able to form a "good enough" attachment with your father and that this might be a valuable milestone or asset for you, even though you consider him part of the "problem". My dad sure was part of the "problem"... but I'm very glad to have had the little that we were able to get to in our relationship, before he died. Something to think about, anyway, even if you don't pursue it now.

These boundaries and attachments - they aren't static, either. That was and still is the hardest thing for me... they are moving "targets"... and each and every interaction has different boundaries. It's a lot of work still, for me. I don't always get it "right", and there isn't always a "right" choice - I just do the best I can to balance what I need/want with what the other person needs/wants. If you've ever seen tai chi Push Hands... this practice/competition demonstrates that fluidity of boundaries, physically. I've been able to take the elements of that practice: listening, sensing, rootedness, intent not force... and apply it to my work on interpersonal boundaries. Each push hands "player" is required to take care of his/her partner - the goal is not to hurt the partner/opponent... only to unbalance him and thereby gain the advantage in the situation.

It's been very, very helpful to me to connect push hands practice with protecting myself and creating FLEXIBLE boundaries with other people... at least now, I know they are flexible!  :D
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Hopalong

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Re: Can therapy do more harm than good?
« Reply #10 on: July 02, 2009, 12:16:51 PM »
In taking care of my very elderly and then dying Nmom, the challenge for me (for 10 years) was finding the difference between compassion and codependency.

Some days, I think to myself, I paid too high a price. My life swerved so far away from dreams of my own.
Other days, I think, I am glad I sustained compassion for her despite her Nism. Because her Nism was not her fault.

But...now I (hopefully) have decades more to live.

I'll be sorting out for some time, I think, how I feel about that decade.

It's possible it taught me things I wouldn't have learned any other way. (Soooo sick of "learning experiences.")

I'm only 59. I could have a creative resurgence. I could still do things that fulfill a sense of purpose.

Yeah, for too long her wellbeing was my purpose. I had only the model of my father's devotion.

Then again, it was an inspiring model.

Very confusing.

My childhood Christianity taught me to give like that.

And left me deeply burned out, so it'll be another year or so before I feel truly recovered. And maybe I never will be.
(I hope my own brain hasn't evaporated under the stress...sometimes my memory issues scare me.)

Just rambling.

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

ann3

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Re: Can therapy do more harm than good?
« Reply #11 on: July 02, 2009, 12:49:02 PM »
Kathy,

Again, I agree with Amber & she describes it so well: 

“One of my weak areas - still - is feeling as though I need to... I have to... step in, fix things, protect others, even from their selves, show others how to do things, put things right - no matter how much it costs me emotionally.”

Try to avoid allowing your compassion to get you hooked into your sister’s neediness, which might turn you into a fixer. Even though you may feel sad about your sister’s situation, realize that you cannot fix it or her, that is work which your sister must do.  Your sister may or may not be capable of doing her own “healing work” & whatever the case is, you must accept it.  It hurts to watch someone you love suffer, especially when you see ways that they can change their life, but they can’t or refuse to do.  In this sense, we have to mourn their inability to change their life & acknowledge our sadness over their inability to change.  We have to learn to let them be who they are at this point in time & accept them as they are.

Now that our family members are all adults, each person must do their own healing work to fulfill their own needs.  When we try to do another person’s healing work, we enter into the “old FOO crap” of enmeshment, co-dependency, controlling, manipulation, boundary violations, etc.

I suppose this is why your T suggested just sending a neutral card saying “Thinking about you”.  I suppose the most you can do for your sister is to let her know that you love her.  Perhaps she may blossom on her own & if she does, you can support her, but don’t forget your boundaries, don’t try to fix or control her or enmesh with her.

“One thing I try to do is decide BEFORE I have to interact, is just when/where I will draw a boundary for myself. This isn't always possible, but even a rough idea is better than none. Identify for myself, when my radar will be programmed to give the alert to not commit myself... to say I'll think about it... give myself a chance to distance myself, reassess the situation and whether I really want to be involved - and if it feels safe to do so. Especially when people have shown me, that they are so needy (or greedy) themselves that they won't respect my limits - a boundary - on how much help I'm offering.”

This is really important:  When interacting with people (family or other), always be conscious of your boundaries, especially when dealing with needy people, who (consciously or unconsciously) often try to suck us dry. 

Amber gives a beautiful description of boundaries & how to do them/how they work:
“These boundaries and attachments - they aren't static, either. That was and still is the hardest thing for me... they are moving "targets"... and each and every interaction has different boundaries. It's a lot of work still, for me. I don't always get it "right", and there isn't always a "right" choice - I just do the best I can to balance what I need/want with what the other person needs/wants. If you've ever seen tai chi Push Hands... this practice/competition demonstrates that fluidity of boundaries, physically. I've been able to take the elements of that practice: listening, sensing, rootedness, intent not force... and apply it to my work on interpersonal boundaries. Each push hands "player" is required to take care of his/her partner - the goal is not to hurt the partner/opponent... only to unbalance him and thereby gain the advantage in the situation.”

“I did have to get "selfish" and it felt "wrong"; wasn't at all comfortable.”
Yes:  When dealing with a dysfunctional family or dysfunctional people, we may feel selfish, wrong or uncomfortable when we use our boundaries, but, that’s OK.  Life Coach Cheryl Richardson describes this as “Let me disappoint you”.  We need to learn to feel OK about disappointing others.  If we can feel comfortable with disappointing others, we may lose our urge to “fix”.

JustKathy

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Re: Can therapy do more harm than good?
« Reply #12 on: July 02, 2009, 06:23:03 PM »
Wow! Thank you, everyone, for your amazing advice and words of wisdom. I can't tell you how much this means to me. I felt so lost and alone, and having this board to come to, well, I feel like I've been given a big giant hug from friends who really, really "get it."

I'm going to print out this entire thread and read it to my husband tonight. He has been attending therapy with me since M's diagnosis, and I know some of this information will be valuable to him as well.

Bless you all for being there for me. Reaching out for help, and having people reach back . . . I just don't have the words to express how much you have helped and comforted me.

You guys are the BEST.  :D

Kathy

JustKathy

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Re: Can therapy do more harm than good?
« Reply #13 on: July 04, 2009, 02:53:06 PM »
I woke up this morning with this horrible feeling in my gut that I can't shake. It occurs to me that my sister may have written to me and told me the details of my parents' new will because M TOLD HER TO. OMG, why didn't I see this before?

I may be wrong, but hubby has been telling me over and over that S's letter is VERY uncharacteristic, and that there was no logical explanation for her suddenly breaking away from M's control to write me a letter, especially a letter about details of a will, which is completely moot, as community property laws leave all assets to my father.

I honestly don't know what to think, but I'm just grateful to those of you who warned me to be careful in writing back to my sister. It also explains my therapist cautioning me to keep my reply neutral (that wasn't the reason she cited, but she may have been thinking it). I really hate that I have these thoughts, but I'm just not able to trust. I'm dealing with family members who have been controlled like puppets for decades. If my mother had instructed my sister to make sure that I knew about the re-writing of the will, S would have had the letter in the mail that afternoon. At this point, I think it's best to not confide in my sister (if ever) until M is gone. If I write her a letter with anything more than a simple thank you, it will be in M's hands within minutes of arrival. I just know it. Even though she has a choice to keep her affairs private, my sister shows M everything because she's been trained to do so. She's afraid of her. "If I keep a secret from Mom, I'll get in trouble." A six-year-old in a 47-year-old body.  :(

Kathy
« Last Edit: July 04, 2009, 08:28:42 PM by JustKathy »

Ami

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Re: Can therapy do more harm than good?
« Reply #14 on: July 04, 2009, 04:13:48 PM »
Dear Kathy
 I have a  strong gut response to what you wrote. Reject if it does not fit. What I see is that you were trained to question your gut  feelings. You 'know" down deep that this horrible thing is happening but you don't trust yourself and  it is too awful to truly accept that your family is THAT  sick.
 I have been there a million times with my NF, NM and N ish H.
 My feeling is that if you feel it, trust it.
 I am so sorry that we have to endure families that would test the mental health of the strongest person.
 My love goes out to you, ((Kathy)).      Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung