Hi Ami,
I'm glad going no contact is helping you! From what I read here on the message board, most adult children of narcissists feel lots better once they decide to do that. Good, good, good for you, for taking responsibility for your own emotional health. You are also such a warm support on this board; even though I don't post much I read what you have written and can sense your warmth. You can't fake that kind of warmth ...
I know what you mean about the parents being a team. I always felt like together, my parents constituted some kind of force of nature. As I said before, my dad was not a narcissist, but I'm beginning to see that dealing with my mom for almost 50 years is a lot of what made him so stubborn and hardheaded about his own opinions. I think he had to fight hard in that marriage to think for himself, and in the process he became pretty overbearing about imposing his opinions on me. The difference between him and a narcissist though is that he could see my point of view, DID NOT gaslight, could admit his own faults and failings, and could consider various points of view with other people too. But, he was really really opinionated, and I think that dealing with my mom made him very stubborn and argumentative. I remember throughout my childhood them having big fights because he would say she was "talking down" to him. My mom would dismiss his complaints as "he feels bad about himself because all he went through as a child" --- for example, he was dyslexic and was in school before anybody knew what dyslexia was, and learned to hate school and to resent having to read (ironic --- he became the best schoolteacher ever! He could empathize with struggling children). I guess you can tell how much I loved him and how much I miss him now. But I had to keep him at arm's length as an adult, because he would try to step in and tell me what to do and "solve my problems". After 4 years of dealing with my mom after his death, I have a much greater understanding of how he ended up that way. But --- but --- but --- everyone in my family will tell you he kept my mother on a short leash and under control. Of course you can't control ANYBODY completely but she's so much worse now that I have become completely admiring of what he did for almost 50 years.
One of the most important things I think my dad taught me (especially when dealing with narcissists) is the ability to laugh at myself. He would tell funny stories about the klutzy or goofy things he did, and I do the same thing. I learned that there is no shame in making mistakes, even stupid ones! In fact, telling them to others can make other people laugh, which increases the happiness in the world, I think! On purpose broadcasting the crazy things you've done is like the polar opposite of narcissism!
I feel for you, Ami, in that your father is "sweet" but enables your mom. My dad probably did that too, but I've seen it happen in a much worse way with my aunt and uncle. My aunt is my mom's sister. My uncle, now in his 90s, gave up having an opinion on anything long ago. He totally acquiesced to her long long ago. The whole family has always revolved around her. Somebody posted a poll on this board about what you think your parent would do if there was only one life jacket and the boat was going down --- well, in my aunt's case, WE KNOW WHAT SHE WOULD DO. My mom (yes, it is ironic my mom told this story) said once my aunt, uncle, and two cousins (children at the time), and my teenage mom, were in a little rowboat and it started taking in water. My aunt started screaming and grabbed the one life jacket and put it on! I couldn't believe it when I saw that question on the poll! My uncle is sweet too --- when I was a preschooler he would come and get me just to play all the time, I have many happy memories of him as a child. But his total acquiescence was equal to throwing his children to the wolves. Basically their daughter has been no contact for over 30 years. The son survived very much like my dad --- non-narcissistic but extremely opinionated and stubborn.
I don't know what the heck my grandparents did or didn't do, but they seem to have done a serious number on both of their daughters! But then again, to go back to what Ann3 said, both daughters had choices and they made them all by themselves.
Last time I posted I said I'd be less calm and forgiving the next time my mom made me mad, and it already happened (I only posted yesterday!). She called me this morning and in the course of the conversation I said something like, "My husband took the kids on a little trip this weekend so I could work, I've had them all summer" to which she replied, "No you have not had them all summer." She said my daughter has been working and she took my son for two weeks, so I have not had them all summer. Why does she have this weird need to tell me I don't experience what I experience? This was not even the point of what I said, which I think any idiot could have figured out. The point was, my whole summer has revolved around taking the kids places (including my daughter to her job!) and I needed a couple of days to work!
I didn't say anything, but I'm wondering if people on this forum think I should call her on her gaslighting every time, if they think it will make her back off. In fact, this question is the main point of me giving you such a long story about how my dad kept her in line. She has gotten better since I've confronted her about her gaslighting, but I'm wondering if I don't keep her intimidated if she will start getting bad again.
For the most part, I think taking offense to everything a person says is just wasting energy. But, I have also discovered that confronting my mom shames her into at least shutting up for awhile.
