Voiceless or Just Not Heard?

[ann3]

I've been thinkin:  At times, I was voiceless, but, often, I was simply not heard, not acknowledged, ignored.

Often, when I did voice my feelings, the people to whom I voiced those feelings ignored what I said.  They did not acknowledge my words & feelings.  Their failure to acknowledge what I said often made me feel unworthy, ineffective & hopeless.  But, now I see that their deafness is their issue, not my issue. 

Lesson:  My issue is 'how do I handle their deafness?'

Now that I am consciously aware when someone ignores what I say, I deal with them accordingly via limited contact, no contact, but always surrounding myself with a protective boundary shield.

[Ami]

It sounds like you have a good handle on it, Ann. How did you get there?              Love to you, Ami

[sKePTiKal]

Don't forget that sometimes you have to get their attention, Ann. There are those situations, too.
VERY challenging, but necessary.

[Gabben]

"Lesson:  My issue is 'how do I handle their deafness?'"

exactly.

Hi ann3,
I can relate. It is and can be frustrating but seeing what you wrote above reminded me that I am not powerless, that I have choices and resources to handle being or feeling ignored.

Thank you,
Lise

[ann3]

Hi all

Thanks, Ami.  I got there via reading a ton of books, therapy & self reflection.  I think one of my/our biggest problems is distinguishing a variety of boundaries:  What issues are mine?  what issues are theirs?  what issue can I fix because it's MY issue?  what issue can I NOT fix cuz it's THEIR issue?

Yes, Amber:  there are none so deaf as those who REFUSE to listen.  But, the question is: how do you get their attention if they REFUSE to listen?  Their refusal to listen & hear is their issue, I cannot fix that, can't force them to comprehend me, they must WANT to do that.  So, if they refuse, I accept their refusal and parry around it by putting up a boundary.  I think you are doing this with your brother in the estate situation:  He won't do X, so, now, you will do Y. 

"It is and can be frustrating but seeing what you wrote above reminded me that I am not powerless, that I have choices and resources to handle being or feeling ignored. "

You got it, Lise!!  And, it's not ez to do.  Everyday can present a new challenge, a new thrust & a new parry

[sKePTiKal]

Ann, something didn't quite fit in your analysis... but I had to ponder a bit to figure out what it was.

You're right about the boundary. But my boundary needs to be (isn't always) between what I needed to say THEN... and what I need to say NOW. They are different things - I think; I'm still not 100% sure. But the time for saying what I needed to say then, is long past - and just doesn't make that much sense in the present situation. I got lucky, I think... in that my present situation had so many elements of the past being mindlessly repeated (my own feelings, too) by my brother... that I found an opening to say those "magic words" from long ago, to my mother. She heard enough of it, to agree to act... which is all I could possibly hope for. It was pretty strange to hear those words coming from my own mouth; normally, I would've just shoved the words & feelings under the rug, hoping she didn't notice the bump, as usual.

Just because they won't hear - doesn't mean we should stop talking; saying the same thing. You can say it 100 times with no effect, but something changes and the 101st time - enlightenment dawns and you are heard. NC is a very important tool in the recovery process... as is letting go of past wounds and needs. I surely feared and did not want to be involved in this process with my brother... putting me back into my mom's headlights, too. But something changed. Me.

And I realized I could stand and fight; I could repeat myself until I was heard. I didn't have to run away to NC for fear of being hurt again. I can BE HURT and still stand and fight for my "reality" and what I want - and be furious with control and intention -  without falling into the same old roles & patterns again. I am still working through what's different in me... and what changed... and how I can do that now. I think it has to do with enforcing boundaries... and releasing outcomes.

[Hopalong]

And I realized I could stand and fight; I could repeat myself until I was heard. I didn't have to run away to NC for fear of being hurt again. I can BE HURT and still stand and fight for my "reality" and what I want - and be furious with control and intention -

Every word of this is the perfect definition of healthy assertion!

(Except one. And after practice, it becomes your new normal, and then fury is no longer needed.)

Oh BRAVO, Amber.

Seriously.

xo
Hops

[ann3]

Hi Amber,

"Just because they won't hear - doesn't mean we should stop talking; saying the same thing. You can say it 100 times with no effect, but something changes and the 101st time - enlightenment dawns and you are heard."

"And I realized I could stand and fight; I could repeat myself until I was heard."

The above 2 statements may be where we disagree (& it's fine if we disagree):  What I'm saying is that I do not assume I will be heard after the 101st time. In my experience, I repeated myself many times & still was not heard.  Therefore, I find no point in talking to someone who will not/can't hear.  So, yes, in such a situation I would stop talking; it's too frustrating & why should I frustrate myself?  I cannot change the other person & that person will not/can't hear me.

So, what I'm saying is that if someone manifests a pattern of not hearing me, then I will assume that pattern shall continue & I will no longer endeavor to try to make myself heard because, based on prior evidence, I assume that the person (for whatever reason) doesn't hear me.

So, what do I do with this person?  Enforce boundaries, set limits, do LC or NC.  And, move on to find other people who do hear me.

"I didn't have to run away to NC for fear of being hurt again. I can BE HURT and still stand and fight for my "reality" and what I want - and be furious with control and intention -  without falling into the same old roles & patterns again."

I hear what you are saying.  However, for me, I feel I no longer need to fight for my realty.  I know what my reality is, so the gaslighting doesn't work on me any more.  Actually, think I always knew what my reality was, but I allowed the gaslighters to gaslight me.  But, no more.

Perhaps just a choice of wording, but, I don't want to be furious & fight, I've had too much of that.  I've become very sensitive to/conscious of when either I or someone else starts creating drama.  When I sense drama brewing, I back off, back down, collect myself & figure out an assertive, calm strategy.  I no longer engage with drama queens/kings.

Personally, I have found that LC & NC has replaced drama & strife with peace & calm.  It's a wonderful thing to eliminate the drama queens & N vampires from my life.  I don't want them, nor need them.

Agree with you about not falling back into the old patterns.

Fun discussion.  I enjoy hearing your thoughts.

[Ami]

It sounds like you are your own person Ann. Bravo to you. I am coming behind you, hopefully.                      XXXOO    Ami

[sKePTiKal]

OK, Ann - I do hear what you're saying. And there are times, situations and people where I think I'd take the same strategy. It's a sound one and does provide immediate protection.

And the "furious" comment... all I'm saying here is that I'm not running away from my own feelings in these situations - I'm letting them be what they are; sort of releasing myself to my own emotions. It somehow heads off the more volatile, nuclear-bomb triggered emotional responses, for me. Those always have a bad whiplash effect on me.   

[ann3]

Thanks, Ami.   I hear you're working on some very tuff decisions.  I wish you only the best, peace of mind & light.

Amber,
Re: "furious", I hear ya babe & know what you mean; it was just a choice of wording, but agree with the sentiment.