Painful truth.

[Hopalong]

Amber,
Thanks for such understanding and especially the perspective -- you do know the territory. And your kindness.
It really helps that you know this turf a bit, I'm glad somebody else does the Pushme-Pullyu (one of my favorite books as a kid...Dr. Doolittle).

It's comforting.
And you help me feel a little less self-lacerative (dibs on the word patent!  ) about it all.

I think I do a kind of downward spiral when I think of my D too clinicially. When I spot her narcissistic traits (or my own), I completely panic. I don't have enough perspective on it to see it in the moment in the cultural context of what you described, but this was terribly kind -- I agree-- and relieved a lot of my pain:

There just isn't any rule book about being a mom of a young adult in today's world... there is no "normal" anymore... and what with our wanting them to be independent and have their own life - learning from experience; and the way the deck is stacked against the young financially and trying to help.... it's easy to transgress our own rules/decisions/boundaries about this.

I may be deluded but I did hear a shade of pain/regret in her voice. She was definitely wanting to comfort and reassure me. So...once she takes care of it today, then I'll feel okay again.

If she doesn't, lord help us.

xo
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

LOL!! You can have the copyright on that word... I like it!

I should've known the toll my girls would take on me: my hair started turning gray when I was 17... I didn't even conceive the first one, till I was 18. I tease them about being the reason I'm all white at 53. But they HAVE put me through the ringer - both of them - several times. At least they kept their promise to not make me a grandma before I was 40.

But ya know, I still am not the image of what I think of as a grandma. My hubby's daughter's son Logan just turned 1... and I'm only now just beginning to feel like MIGHT be able to be "grandma-like"... someday. All those roles seem to be getting "boomer-fied", if I might coin something new. And just like the way we parented, there's no cookie-cutter pattern for this stage of life - or roles - either. Maybe there's something to be said for the certainty that comes with stereotypes... well-defined roles... societally imposed "norms"... re-creating the wheel - consciously choosing how/who to be - all the time is exhausting!

My secret life-plan was to get the girls raised, settled into their lives... and still be young enough that I could kick up my heels and dare (and be physically able) to do all the wild, crazy, hedonistic things that I wanted to do while I had two in diapers at the same time, as a single mom. I still don't know if I'm going to be able to do that yet... and I'm still not sure the girls are settled to my satisfaction. Do I get a say??

And no, "we" don't feel the same... the relationship isn't anywhere near like it was at the start of their journey out into the world. This, I'm sure, is a good thing and I'm the only one who's unsure; uneasy with it. They set boundaries on my mother-henning them - as they should. I don't pry into their private lives; don't even really want to know all the "gory details". But finding a new happy medium of being together... sigh... that takes time together. And that's difficult when they're working all the time - D#2 has two jobs to make ends meet - and can't really take time off without taking a financial hit. And I want to find a new happy medium... so that we don't become strangers to each other.

Another creative pursuit, I think... I'll need to put my thinkin' cap on.

[Hopalong]

She didn't. Silence. No deposit.
And no reply to my calm, gentle, pleas for an explanation or communication.

I know she must feel trapped and ashamed, among other things...

I feel so sad.

I feel I've failed her. I didn't teach some very basic things, that she is so unable to communicate in an honest, healthy way.

I'm trying not to drown in guilt (the sorrow's quite high enough a tide).

Agnostic or not, I'm praying over and over: Please help my D.

(The money's very secondary...I am afraid for her character development, her future relationships.)

If you believe...please pray for her. She is ALSO a good person, a loveable person, an animal nut...someone who cares about justice...(I know, the irony). I love her so much and I can't help her with this.

 

Hops

[Leah]

I shall pray for your daughter, and you too, dear Hops.


Love,

Leah

[sKePTiKal]

Hops...

try to breathe. Distract yourself...
waiting for something truly important can be obsessively overwhelming. (Don't I know it... sigh)

I think she WOULD if she COULD... and she may be quite busy trying to... which would explain the lack of communication.

Just don't "pile on" more stuff to the situation by trying to suss it all out, about what's going on. Snafus tend to increase in situations that we feel are desperately important... or at least, they appear to be snafus. Don't know why... but it's been my experience that they do. You've done everything you can... now release the outcome, kindly... and take care of yourself.

Breathe. Trust. There will be time later to dissect what happened - and how it could've been avoided or happened better.

[Hopalong]

Thank you, thank you.

I am working to let it go and send love but not desperation.

I am not happy with how desperately I fear the loss of her love.

It DOES feel better in the moments when I send kindness. You are exactly totally right.

There's a...gentleness...to allowing myself to feel love and concern rather than fear.

It's being gentle with myself, and gentle with her (even in her absence, her withdrawal).

I don't think not calling me or emailing me is explained by her being "busy" looking for an answer, though. I think it's just an iron door coming down in her, that shuts me out (because the question I pose with my vulnerability and my shock and anger is a question she is likely afraid to answer).

Thank you so much for identifying the two pieces (I've been working my way toward both these meanings today, and hearing you say this is validating to a great degree--I have so much respect for you, Amber).

1) Release

2) Kindness

Those are truly the only tools I have...and one other:

3) Self care (tough one, but I'm working at it).

Thank you again (and you too, sincerely, Leah...I find this embarrassing to say--which is about my own loss--but in an odd way when I am in a lot of emotional pain, I find myself saying to myself: I wish I still believed in God).

I don't know what to think of this, but the truth is that I am very comforted by the idea that those WITH faith are offering a prayer for her, or for me. I don't have the faith myself, yet in a funny way, I have a little bit...else, why would it ease my heart some to know that?

Thank you. I know how sincere you are. And I really do want prayers (whether I deserve them or not is another question entirely. Yet, knowing who I am, you offer them anyway--this teaches me something I can't even articulate, but I am grateful).

love to you both,

Hops

[Ami]

I am touched by your humility, Hops.
I talked with my Aunt last night. She has everything the world could offer .Her three kids are outstanding professionally as well as personally.
 She is  close to them and they are  close to each other.
 She absolutley cannot understand how I, a  Jew, could believe in Jesus. She thinks I am ignorant. I know many people share this viewpoint of Born Again  believers. I used to myself so I am not upset by it.
 I was trying to tell her how I came to believe this way. It was pure and utter desperation. When I called out to God to find me ,I didn't care who  He was as long as I could touch him.
         Ami

[lighter]

((((Hops))))

I'm so so sorry this is happening to you.

I'll pray for God to help your daughter help herself.

Mo2

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Ami...
I don't know exactly how to explain it all, but the fact that I'm okay with it being an open question for me must be exactly the reason I'm agnostic...

I do appreciate your prayers. I'm not sure what they are or what they mean but I feel blessed by them.

M02--thank you.
You really are the M02 ... and I know your own girls will weather any storms and sail on safely.

Hops

[Ami]

Yes, I understand,Hops.
I was an  agnostic for many years.             Ami                             
 

[Hopalong]

Hi all.

I am tormented with fears of permanent estrangement.

She is all I have. No husband, no siblings (brother can't count), no parents, no other children.

So when she goes cold and silent with me, I'm devastated. It feels so punitive...I know she can go there. Her Dad would too.

I am walking around this week feeling a broken heart.

I ask, how is it that I turned into the offender?

I gave and helped and paid and gave, then loaned $2K with clear understanding which she agreed to absolutely clearly, and she promised, and broke her word, and yet...I am being punished.

It haunts me that I know there are people (plenty right here) who are completely estranged from a parent. What if my own D goes NC with me?

If she does, I'll tell you right now...I don't deserve it. Warts and neediness and all my weaknesses and mistakes do NOT add up to deserving shunning.

I also don't think I could live with it.

love,
Hops

[lighter]

Hops....

please don't torment youself about a possibility that may never happen.

Take deep breaths.......

keep your head where your feet are.

I'm still praying she pays the money back and you both learn something from this.

M02

[Hopalong]

Thanks, M02--

I really don't care about the money any more. (I'll not loan again though.) It's really secondary.

It's just the great hurt, and a profound fear of losing our relationship entirely.

Sure looks like she'll go there.

((((((M02))))) thank you,

Hops

[lighter]

Oh Hops.....

I don't want to believe your d would end your relationship over a 2K loan.

I really don't.

She'll miss you and she'll be in contact again.

You're her mama ((Hops))

[sKePTiKal]

In the not too distant future, my bet is on her NEEDING her mama, Hops...
even if it's just to work through the situation that is probably tormenting her...

as much as you are tormented.