OHhh MY Goddddddd, it happened again! I am in so much pain

[farfaraway]

I have been crying for hours, my pain almost unbearable.  First it was my son in law, just after my cousin hung himself.  He was so cruel, he took my daughter and grandson away for ever.  Then my girlfriend came over noticing that I was so down, she moved in to my house, she spent all this time with me, telling me I was gonna be okay, and then she stabbed me in back, with a smile on her face...she abandoned all our plans, hopes, and most of all she made me believe that would be there...what did I do.  She just kept on after two weeks while I got my strength back, this past week only the third week of grief from my losses in life, she just uprooted everything.  I am got knocked down so bad.  She knows that I fear abandonment and how painful these weeks have been, how could she do this!!!  She just left me high and dry, used me for all that I have, and did so much damage to my rented house, letting her puppy pee all over everything, our couch and chair, carpets and flooring are all ruined, I haven t got any money to repair anything....I feel hopeless, I do not know what to do....I can barely see for crying, I hurt so much I cant even get a hold of myself or any of my friends.  I feel so alone in the world, I cant believe this happening to me, the worst is that she had it all planned.  She said she was leaving so as not to hurt me, but her journal was on floor and I picked it up, an my name was all though, all her plans....when I was so lost and hopeless she just smiled and giggled all the way down the street.  What a horrible thing to have happen, I dont know how to trust anyone, I just tried to help her out too.  How could this happen, in less then a month.  I think I have been broken, I am worthless. I do not know how to survive this!!!!!!!!!

[Gaining Strength]

farfaraway - you do not know at this time how you will survive but we will help you find the way.  You are able to feel the excruciating pain because you are about to embark on your journey of healing.

I am pained in reading your post.  My heart aches for what you have endured.

As you begin to heal you will also begin to be attracted to and to attract to you healthier and kinder and supportive people - the type of people you need in your life.  The first place to start is to believe you deserve this and that you will have loving and caring people in your life.  Believing it is the first step.

You will find the people here are the first in your journey.  You will find supportive people, caring people and people who will be there for you in the long run.  This is a good place to start, a good place to come to, and a good place to find comfort and understanding.  Even though you are in severe pain - unbeknownst to you, your healing has begun.  Stay with us and start to believe that which you long to believe.

[farfaraway]

Ok, I am going to sleep now, it has been one hell of a night, mostly no sleep.  I think I can embrace kinder nicer people.  thanks so much for responding to me, and I do I do I do want to believe that I can trust and be helped, I will pray for it...for the rest of my life.

thank you gaining strength

[Ami]

Dear Faraway
  There ARE people out there who have a  loving heart for hurting people like us.
 People who do not have N parents do not really understand the deepest workings of my soul. They will say some version of "Get over it". Then I will feel MORE shame that I can't.
  No version of "Get over it" helps. I will get over when I CAN and when I DO. Everyone wants to be emotionally well. They are just stuck.
 People are like plants. If they have sun and water(love and understanding), they will grow.
 You reach out. That is a sign of being a survivor. I always reached out from the time I was a little girl.
 I used to ride the subway with my M(age 3) and ask women,"Will you take me home and be my mother?"
 I have been doing that ever since but I am healing now  after all these years.     Love   Ami
 

[HeartofPilgrimage]

Farfaraway,

Don't give up hope! Sometimes it is less painful to give it up, but only temporarily ... there ARE genuine people out there that genuinely care for others, and you WILL make friends and relationships with some of those genuine people. You WILL learn to recognize someone that is faking concern and love, and you WILL learn to avoid those rotten excuses for human beings.

I like what Gaining Strength said, that being able to feel the pain is a sign you are ready to begin a healing journey. Allow yourself to experience the pain --- rather than stuff it down and ignore it. It will pass quicker that way. And when it passes, the gift of the pain is a heightened "S.O.B. detector" --- less likely somebody will be able to steamroller you like that again!

[Hopalong]

Farfar,

Whom do you have in 3-D, in your community, that you can talk to?

If there is no one, that's your next job. To find a counselor, a mental health support group, even a hospital therapy group (I went to one for months at one point when I was younger...I was an outpatient member, and I was greatly helped)...a women's agency, a psychology grad student-run therapy group, a clinic, a learning/support group of some sort through a church you are comfortable with, an Adult Children of Alcoholics Group, any 12-Step group you can remotely fit in, an abuse survivors group...

You need to vent, to write--here is very very good for that.

But when despair floats up from the floorboards, you need to remember you are a human being, a member of the human community, and you need to find a REGULAR meeting/gathering/support group to attend, and you need to find actual help in the community where you live--individual sessions if you can arrange it, but also a group, because a group gives strength and also holds one accountable in a different way--and you need to work at accepting and working hard with that help until you yourself are so strong you can one day pass it on.

And you can be. I am sure of it.

Have you ever read Dibs in Search of Self? Good book for you...

Hops

[Ami]

Remember though, Farfaraway, if you have no one outside, you have us. I was that way for a long time. It is OK.       Ami

[sKePTiKal]

You have gotten some good advice - and more importantly people here heard you:

you're not abandoned... even if we are just online, we are a big tribe of "amazons" who care.

How are you feeling today? What's on your mind?

[farfaraway]

Thank You everyone!  I am so down and perplexed.  I just been sent a rash of horrible emails, now I think I have to delete my accounts.  It is so difficult.  But on the bright side, I have community here, that is right.  I am beginning to love the tribe, "amazons", still have to work on my own perception of things, I am having trouble keeping focus.  I have begun to go back to my safe zone, my farfaraway zone.

[JustKathy]

She knows that I fear abandonment and how painful these weeks have been, how could she do this!!!

Farfar,

I spent years asking myself this same question. I remember many nights sitting in my room, crying so hard over something my N mother had done to me that my eyes would swell and my head would hurt. I'd sit there asking myself over and over "How could she do this to me?" Once I started reading up on NPD, and seeing a therapist, I realized that my N mom could do those things because she had a personality disorder. She is SICK. There is something wrong with these people. They live to hurt other people, and they are incapable of remorse. I wasted SO many years trying to understand how M could do the things she did, but once I was able to accept the cold hard fact that she had a sickness, I was able to move forward and start working on ways to protect myself from further hurt. They're a lost cause. You can't help them, but you can help yourself.

As Ami said, if you cannot find help on the outside, you have us. I wish like heck that I could find a support group in my community, but I'm currently stuck in a very small town due to a job transfer, and there are no support groups here. Sure, no one on the Internet can physically hold my hand and comfort me, but it can come pretty darned close. Everyone here has lived it, and has great insight to share.

Just remember that you can't change an Ns behavior. They have a sickness. But YOU are okay. You've done nothing wrong, and certainly did nothing to deserve it. Don't ever blame yourself. As others have said, your healing has already begun. Keep posting here. You have friends here who CARE.

Kathy

[farfaraway]

Just Kathy

Thank you, I am crying so hard and I can t seem to sit in one spot.  I ache all over, it feels like my body wants to be sick or give out.  I talked to my mother today, long distance and all she said was that I let them in.  To go church and not ask for money.  What the hell.  I am looking at living on street and she wants me to go to church and not to call her again unless I have been to church.  MY my, is that ever astonishing, so cold and yet so warm.  Is this where this started, the only place in my life right now is here where I get some understanding.  Thank you, so much.  My eyes are swollen from crying and my head is too. 

farfaraway

[Ami]

Dear Farfaraway
 Life is SO hard. My heart goes out to you.My life is out of control, too. I just call on God, talk to Him and pray.That is all I know to do besides share with people who care.
 Let's hold hands!  I know that I need one.   Love   Ami

[farfaraway]

Dear Farfaraway
 Life is SO hard. My heart goes out to you.My life is out of control, too. I just call on God, talk to Him and pray.That is all I know to do besides share with people who care.
 Let's hold hands!  I know that I need one.   Love   Ami

Beside crying that is what I do, pray.  I am holding your hand too, can you feel it Ami, I am so sorry that your life is out of control too.  I thank you so much for sharing with me, sitting beside me caring.  Hugs Ami, and Love too.

Farfaraway

[Hopalong]

Hi Far,

Any better? I hope you did get some sleep.

As to online help...I know at times the kindnesses I received here helped me literally to start rebuilding myself, and two years later, this is where I turn when there is nowhere else to unburden my hurts.

Usually, that's because it's night-time, or I'm too tired or weary or whatever to go connect with other 3-D people (as I'm always preaching we should do...)

But in the time I've been here, I've found other 3-D places and people to complement the growth and learning here...and it really does feel important to me. That's why I advise it so strongly.

For me, there are times when there's just too much pain. And I am afraid, when I begin to isolate myself, and have nothing regular that connects me with others in some kind of hopeful context, that I'll slide into despair.

It really is hard to pull yourself out of it alone. I'm glad we can be "here" with you...and I still hope you'll find help in the 3-D world too.

You sound so overwhelmed.

Hops

[farfaraway]

Hi Far,

Any better? I hope you did get some sleep.

As to online help...I know at times the kindnesses I received here helped me literally to start rebuilding myself, and two years later, this is where I turn when there is nowhere else to unburden my hurts.

Usually, that's because it's night-time, or I'm too tired or weary or whatever to go connect with other 3-D people (as I'm always preaching we should do...)

But in the time I've been here, I've found other 3-D places and people to complement the growth and learning here...and it really does feel important to me. That's why I advise it so strongly.

For me, there are times when there's just too much pain. And I am afraid, when I begin to isolate myself, and have nothing regular that connects me with others in some kind of hopeful context, that I'll slide into despair.

It really is hard to pull yourself out of it alone. I'm glad we can be "here" with you...and I still hope you'll find help in the 3-D world too.

You sound so overwhelmed.

Hops

Yes, i am overwhelmed.  Just is the way I am right I am in grief I have had to give my best friend my Saint Bernard away, she protected me.  My mother demands that I go to church, before I call her again...I get the gut feeling that she hasn't been listening to me all these years, that I am to blame.  My son in law keeps sending me awful email, even tho I have blocked him, I don t know how much more harassment I can go through,  my best friend just left me high and dry and came to the house with cops, all the while telling me it wasn t her idea, the one who smiled when she broke our promise, I have had racist people judging me, everything is a mess, I do not know if I am coming or going.  I love the kindness, Hopalong...I think it is keeping me going, I got a little bit of sleep.  Thanks for asking, I do wish that my friends were back from summer vacation...they are all I have in my world over here, but not at home.  I feel lonely, abandoned and voiceless, and emotionally drained.  I do isolate too it is a safe place for me. 

farfaraway