Deja Vu

[Overcomer]

Well, here I am dealing with cancer and my Nmom comes to me and asks my permission to go back into the store.

She does it every time.  She backs off and then her Obsessive Compulsive self makes her squirm her way back into the store.

Good.  Kelly is sick.  This is my ticket to go back and take over!!!!!

When I get better and go back into the store, she will try to control me again.  Same song.  Second (I mean, third, fourth, fifth.....I stopped counting) verse......

She spent tens of thousands of dollars for the consultants to tell her to leave.  She couldn't not do what they said.  She would look stupid then.  So now she has an excuse to do what she wants.

She is getting alzheimers.  I am the only one who says, "hey, I think mom is getting alzheimers!!"  Once she said to me, "You wish I was getting alzheimers."  She is deluded.......what child in their right mind wants their parent to get alzheimers?  Doesn't she know I will have to take care of her if she gets it???

Not my worry.  I am getting well.  If I get well enough to go back I will gladly ask her to step aside.  If she won't, I will leave again!

[Ami]

UUUUUUURRRRRRRRGGGGGGGG !!!!!!!!!!      I get it, Kelly!               Ami

[Overcomer]

Oh, I forgot to say.....I emailed mom and said, "Hey since you want to work and I don't, how bout you work and I get paid?"  Let's see what she says about that?

[Overcomer]

Yep, Ami......isn't it sick?  She sits at home and my dad asks her what is wrong.  She tells him she is depressed.  Not because her only daughter has cancer.  No.  Because she cannot go into work.   Work.  Work.  Work.

Doesn't she know that at her funeral her kids and grandkids won't be able to gush at how much she loved them.  No.  We will talk about her work.  Who cares?

[Ami]

Doesn't she know that at her funeral her kids and grandkids won't be able to gush at how much she loved them.  No.  We will talk about her work.  Who cares?
[/quote]



It is easy for me to say this to you and see it with your situation but I can't see it with mine. I don't think she can help it. My M is really depressed  b/c HER life turned out  badly but she doesn't see that SHE did it.
 Two of her 3 kids hate her. The other one was the Golden child and Mascot.
 How is the chemo going?          Ami

[ann3]

Kelly,

I'm thinking about you & sending you healing vibrations. 

Is there anyway you can zap your NM out of your conscience & focus on you & your healing?  Yes, 5th verse same as the first, but, can you turn off the song?  Your NM's depression & work obsession is her problem, not yours.  Your NM could help herself is she chose to, but she's an N, so, most probably, she won't ever see the light but that is her dilemna, not yours. 

I apologize if I am being pushy, but she has her baggage & you don't have to carry her baggage, know what I mean?

I think you are wonderful & wish you the best.

xoxo,
ann

[Overcomer]

Hey Ann.  Yes.  It is not my problem......yet.  I know how she works.  She cannot push me right now......that would seem callous.  See?  Somehow she thinks she can win.  I am outed for awhile.  She gets comfortable.  I cannot work with her.  So.........I let her do her thing and meanwhile, I have a get out of the store free pass for now.....

Then if and when I am better I just refuse to play the game.....it is her game.....

[Ami]

Dear Ann
 I know what you are saying but I am finding that doors open and then you can walk through. You can't walk through before they open. I think the doors are distortions that we held as true but are false. For example, I have to be perfect or I am worthless. That is a distortion. Somehow, you have to see, from the heart, that is IS a distortion. Then, a door opens and you can see the next distortion and walk through the next door until hopefully you are emotionally healthy ,at some point(Please God, SOON) .
 I am finding healing to be like this.
 For me to see the distortion, I must have a safe person who loves me and can see me as I am NOT distorted as I see myself.  That person mirrors me and then I can see myself.
 I guess as I write this, I realize how I am healing. I think I must be or I could 't write it.
 I appreciate you so very much, Ann.             XXOOO  Ami

[ann3]

Yes, Kelly, it is her game.  I hope you can just relax as best as you can & heal.  ((((((((((kelly))))))))).

Ami,
Yes, I completely agree about the doors & having that loving "witness" as Alice Miller would say.  We cannot walk thru a closed door.  We have to wait for that door to open for us or, perhaps, we ourselves open that door.  Yes, Ami, you are really moving thru those open doors.

xoxo,
ann

[Ami]

Hey Ann.  Yes.  It is not my problem......yet.  I know how she works.  She cannot push me right now......that would seem callous.  See?  Somehow she thinks she can win.  I am outed for awhile.  She gets comfortable.  I cannot work with her.  So.........I let her do her thing and meanwhile, I have a get out of the store free pass for now.....

Then if and when I am better I just refuse to play the game.....it is her game.....

Dear Kelly
 I can see so easily with YOU that it is HER but with me, I can't.With me, I think it is me and I can fix it if I just figure out the way.        Ami

[Ami]

Dear Kelly
 Mean this with no criticism.Maybe your situation is different with the joint ownership of the store. For me, it is only emotional, not financial or job related but   I realize from reading your thread that my life is about trying to fix my NM so it will come out allright. I am trying to fix her so the story can have the right ending which is that I really WAS good and worthy.
  I want HER to make the ending right for me.            Ami

[Overcomer]

Yeah......I am so sad right now.  I feel like my mom is using my illness to sneak back in without looking the fool.  It just irks me.  I think, Oh, great......I will have to deal with this cancer AND deal with my Nmom.....

I guess I can just look the other way for now.  I don't need the stress but I am agitated.  I just think about it and it makes me so mad.  Why can't this woman just leave well enough alone.?

She is mad at my dad because he doesn't want to go with her to the cabins they own.  He is sick and wants to stay close to home.  She wants him to go with her.  She will make his life miserable!!

[Overcomer]

Here is a rant I put on facebook......then I deleted it because it was so "out there."  So the rant is here...........

I am lying in bed.  I realize my abdomen aches.  It will be six weeks since my hysterectomy tomorrow....that is the normal time it takes to recover from a total abdominal hysterectomy.

But in the meantime the hysterectomy has been trumped by the cancer.  I almost don't even think of it because the cancer is so in your face and ominous.

I started chemo five weeks after the hysterectomy.  I feel like I have jumped off the world and am now in this alternate universe.

I realize life must go on.  People have to do what they think is right.

But I cannot help but wonder where some people's priorities are.

My mom is so compelled to go to Wellspring and work.  Work. Work. Work.  That is all that seems important to her.

What about the great grandbaby?  What about the grandkids?  What about my brother?   What about her mother?  What about my father?  What about me???

When are we ever going to matter to her more than her work???????  When will a lunch with Courtney and Haven be more important than checking email?

When will it be more than an obligation?  When will it matter???

Have it your way but let me have it my way.  YOU work.  I will enjoy my family.  If you need to work......work..........but I don't want to or need to work.......

[Ami]

Dear Kelly
 Rant here!!! I have always thought that you have so much spunk and personality and are SO CUTE!
 When you have a trauma, you ARE in an alternate universe. You have been transported to a place that no one understands or shares, really. I had that when Scott died.
 It is horrible. Time stops and you are suspended in some awful nightmare.
 All the questions you ask about your M, I ask about mine. The specifics are different but the underlying question is the same,"Why can't she change? Why can't she treat me well? Why can't she love me as a D?"
 When I hear you ask them, I realize that I ask them over and over.
 "Why can't my M treat me respectfully?" Why can't she be supportive?" 'Why does she LOVE to get me, lie in wait like a jungle animal to pounce? ""Why can't I shine without having her hurt me and make me pay for looking "better" than she in someting?" Why does she hate me and seem to want to destroy me?" 'Why can't I be myself w/out getting knifed by by her?"
 *I* ask God ,"Why did I have a M like her?"
 "Will I ever get over it?" That one is up in the air and that ain't no joke.
   My heart goes out to you, Kelly
  I know you will overcome the cancer b/c I have the gift of discernment but overcoming the NM, I will have to answer when I have done it.             XXXXXOOOOO    Ami

[Ami]

How are you, today, ((((Kelly))))?                 XXOO  Ami