My Truth

[Meh]

An Observation:
The secret is out

After writing my "stuff" out on this board I have noticed something, it is subtle, I think it is coming through to me though, coming through my bombarded senses, the senses that hear never-ending traffic and humanity noise of the city.

What I believe is coming through to me in a quiet way is the feeling that I have told a secret. The secret is my story even the mundane parts.That telling the secret has helped me feel a little more "ME". If that makes sense. I think I have gained a small sliver of myself. Maybe I feel a little more corporeal.

I'm grateful for this experience and this sliver of myself.

I came to this observation while noticing and feeling myself walk through the trees in the park. I feel a little bit more HERE in the world.

[Meh]

Depression Clutter

This is in part a response to you Ami, and your Dirty Dish question about the meaning of it.

I naturally lean to organized, I liked to clean out drawers and put them back together when I was a kid. With everything categorized and in it's place. I'm not really a slob. I know that.

Lately I have identified with the slob that comes out of me when I'm depressed, I started thinking that was me, and then I remembered I'm not always this way.

My mind sometimes tells me that I have to intervene my own depression and aggressively fix the depression and clear up all the expressions of the depression. I partially agree with this. But while I was walking in the park I decided that just observing myself in my own depression is ok also.

The dishes, well, I think it just means that I feel anxiety about my own clutter and my own depression. But I really do like Ami's idea that maybe it means I don't feel alone any more. Thank you for that interpretation Ami, I rather like it! Maybe there is something to that.
Maybe it is related to something dirty, the metaphorical "airring of the dirty laundry"

I think meal time is primally significant. One either eats alone or with the tribe. Meal time is a ritual. The ritual of meal time has gone out of my life. I eat yogurt here, and green olives there, a peach, coffee, chocolate, dry cheerios out a box in my fist. But no ritual sit down and commune while nourishing the body. I'm sure I could benefit from some mindfulness buddist eatting.

Oh hay! I just remembered a quirky movie I really liked:
It's a documentary about a less then perfect buddist monk who teaches people to kneed dough. It's weird in a good way. They talk about their personal issues while they seek to make the imperfectly-perfect loaf of bread. Interesting, I think they get into the whole "yeast is alive". So the bread is a living thing for a while, until they cook it. It's sort of funny. 

http://www.cookyourlifemovie.com/home.html#

[Meh]

Antidepressant Dream

These are unusual dreams that are related to me being on this board. I never dreamed clearly about my depression before like this.
A month ago I broke a glass salt shaker, I cleaned up some of the pieces of glass but in my slobby, low energy overwhelmed-with-life state I did not do a thorough job of cleaning the glass. I was a little worried I would get it in my food or feet and track it around and the fact is I did track it all around my home. It's pretty cleaned up by now.

So the dream I had was: My little pill container that goes in my purse and carries antidepressants and Tylenol fell open and stuff came out of it, pills and shards of glass came out of my pill holder. Maybe this means that I think my pills are bad for me or dangerous.
I have never liked the idea of being dependent on pills to function. I have always wanted to get off of antidepressants. I have wondered if there is any long-term damage that results from taking the pill/drug/chemical/lab engineered/unnatural/forreign substance.

I take it, it helps me get out of bed. But that is about all it helps me with and sometimes I still stay in bed.

[Meh]

The little motherless monkey:

I took only one psychology class in college psy101, didn't help me with me but it was interesting.
The text book has this classic photo of this baby monkey who was deprived of it's mother.
The baby monkeys were given inanimate surrogate mothers. The little monkeys cling to the fake mothers, but it is no real substitute

When I was in school, I thought there was something familiar about that monkey in that text book who was hanging on to the fake-lifeless- surrogate mother. Some deep part of me said "I am that little monkey". Futility trying to get love out of a dishtowel.

No matter how much I intellectually understand what was missing, I can't think myself out of this, that will never be a solution. I do have to eventually find good-real relationships.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harry_Harlow

[Meh]

Finding Real, Good Relationships:

I think Ami and a handful of other people out there have talked about a special person or enlightened witness that came into their lives.

Maybe it is true that one does not seek and find this. Maybe the people show up.
One can't force someone to give love. It has to be given freely to be real love.
I wonder how emotionally immature I am, I wonder how needy I am.
I ask myself: "why would an emotionally mature person be interested in an emotionally immature person"
As far as romantic love goes, I'm really slow to get to know people, I look for any little sign of trouble or power struggles.
I am a boulder against guys who are overbearing, I don't want to bend even a little. No bending. Maybe I'm a control freak.
That's ok for now, I give myself space to be a "control freak" when it comes to guys.
After being out of control for so long, of course I want to be in control. To protect myself.
I don't try to control them I don't think, instead I won't let them have any little bit of control over me.
I'm stubborn as hell when it comes to guys. "I will do it myself"

[Meh]

Emotional Dumping:

I'm telling myself that this board is a neutral safe place to "Dump Emotionally"
I'm telling myself that people choose of their own volition if they want to read or not.
I still have to justify this to myself. Deep Breath here.

I think about the term emotional dumping. It has a negative connotation.

I think about how the receiver of an emotional outpouring feels.
(A) Overwhelmed, Tired, Shocked, Angry, Judgemental, Fearful, defensive
(B) Interested
(C) Disinterested
(D) Grateful for the intimate, authentic connection and sharing
(E) Confused, unable to relate
(F) Empathy
(G) Something else

Why am I writing this, because I think it was Lise who was worried about outpouring.

I think the reception of outpouring totally depends on the receiver.

I felt self conscious about outpouring, am I taking up too much space.

Hay, that is a big one : AM I TAKING UP TOO MUCH SPACE IN THE WORLD?

Or IM AFRAID OF TAKING UP TOO MUCH SPACE IN THE WORLD

That's a deep inner message I think.

Right now I feel relieved after writing that, maybe I'm slowly feeling some strength come into my body. A solidness.

I wish to express my thankfulness to the posters on this board who collectively make up a community where one is allowed to process. Additionally this type of thinking makes sense here.

I can't go to my banker and say "I feel like I'm taking up to much space in the world"
I just took another deep breath.

[Meh]

When neighbors ask me the question "do you (Helen) have children"...I go through something, a process, a conflict of complicated emotions. A man asked me this question a few hours ago in the grocery store, quite aggressively, loudly, I don't know this person, a complete stranger. Maybe he is a bit unconsciously intuitive and that is why he was asking, since I'm processing around childhood, motherhood and family, maybe it is coincidence. I was watching a little kid in the store, I've been noticing mother's with their kids while I'm out doing errands.

I don't have kids, never really wanted kids.

I notice how easily and blatantly people ask that question. I know they don't mean any harm.
It has never been an easy subject for me, it has never been easy or blatant for me. The whole topic has been taboo to me.
Typically when I'm asked if I have or want children, my feeling is embarrassment and confusion.
When I am asked that question, I am transformed into an alien and my feet are on planet Mars.

I did not feel like an alien when I was asked this question today, I felt a little reserved and annoyed but not deep embarrassment.
I still felt like "It's none of your business".
It's intrusive to me.
He might as well have been asking me "What brand of tampons do you use"

[Meh]

The sea of depression

Sometimes MY depression sneaks up slowly and engulfs me like a cloud.
Sometimes my depression feels like sticky fly paper and I'm the fly on the paper. With me feet immobilized. My wings are not strong enough to fly away. I beat my wings until I'm too tired to beat them anymore. Then I just sit there and wait to die. Or I hope that a strong gust of wind will blow me off.

Most often my depression is an ocean that I sink into, I flail but I can't swim, my head is not above water. Sometimes I fall asleep while I'm under MY depression-ocean.

Today I got out my scuba gear, I put on the waterproof goggles and decided to look at the ocean-depression-sink-hole place that I'm in. I'm still in here but now my eyes are open and I'm looking around. I'm looking at the fish swimming by. It's a deep abyss, there is pressure compressing me, the sound of my own heart beat is amplified, I'm accepting being down here. It's dark and mysterious and maybe there are some strange undiscovered fish down here. Giant Squid, small glow in the dark prawns. See-through jellyfish. Glass-eyed, heavy, car sized fish.
I'm tangled in seaweed but I'm still looking around, my eyes are open.

[Meh]

Taboo: Starting my own family

Gosh, I don't think I have any more typing stamina.

So, I pretty much figured out that I won't have my own family and kids.

For years this was a blank in my head, either a total void or embarrassment or a combination of the two.

When I was growing up I just told myself no way.

I wonder if it was ever truly a choice I made or if the choice was made for me by my FOO.

Sometimes I wonder if I have a sense of loss around this, like some part of my psyche that I don't know about.
I think I do, but it's confusing, too many conflicting feelings.

Sometimes I cry when I menstruate, but it's not like PMS, it's like I'm crying because I'm menstruating.

I don't like that I just wrote that. Ugh Why am I writing about this.

Because I never talked to my mother about me having my own family or kids. Never, it was taboo.

Ok now I feel weird.

I posted this because who else am I going to tell? Also I think it's important, not just the tenderness and love that we did not get from our mothers but also there were other things missing, the connection with an adult woman who could tell us about woman things. I don't know if what I wrote makes any sense to myself.

[Meh]

An antidote to the pain in the heart

There was a period of my life where I practiced mindfulness meditation very earnestly.
An unexpected byproduct of this was that I stopped feeling an ache in my heart.

I'm not sure how complicated the reason is for this phenomenon, possibly as one is thinking habit thoughts, the thoughts make the body go through an experience over and over.

I managed the no-heart-ache for a few months or even a year, it required regular meditation.

I have not been meditating recently, so I'm currently not ache-free.

I'm not buddist, I learned meditation through martial arts, so it's nonreligious.
I'm sure you know how to meditate already, but anyways:

If you are feeling upset and wish to try meditating, then start by sucking air through the mouth and let the air go down into the stomach and pooch out like you are fat, let your belly stick out, relax the waistline. Then breathe into the middlechest letting the ribcage expand sideways, letting the ribs separate, then breathe into the lower back, the middle back, let the back open out like a balloon, relax the collarbone, breathe across the collar bone, across the top of the chest, breathe into the upper back, even breathe into the arm pits if it works for you.

The reason for starting out with sucking air though the mouth is to feel the air go down the esophagus. One can start breathing through the nose after starting with the mouth. So the meditation part of it is simply putting ones awareness on the sensations of the air coming in and out of the lungs. The air pressure is so strong on earth that when we breathe in our muscles are relaxing and when we breathe out the muscles work to push the air out.

I have to remind myself how to breathe over and over again. If I take breaks in between it's like I'm discovering my lungs for the first time, each time. Gee I forgot, I had lungs....
 

[Meh]

If I know how to make myself feel better, then why don't I do it?

Someone asked me "Do you always answer your own questions"

Yes, I guess I do answer my own questions.

Now, I'm laughing.....

I'm still smiling......

Ok, so what was I doing, oh yah,
I have not been taking good care of myself because I gave up. I gave up on myself.
Just too many dissapointments in a row, there was too much invalidation at my job, I believed it.

SO, I think I've got plenty to work with for a while...
I may be all done writing.

I did write a fable about Narcissism, I didn't post it.
Should I post it, maybe it's dumb, I don't know. Basically it is sort of what I have gone through but since it is in the form of a fable and changed it gave me a different perspective on the whole thing.

Maybe sometimes we need to own things and maybe sometimes we need to transform things into something else.
I think by writing a fable I could see it a little differently. Eh who knows, it just came out, I didn't plan it.
Maybe there are some things we need to disown.
MAYBE THERE ARE SOME THINGS WE NEED TO DISOWN
Not our own things of course but other peoples things.

Other people's opinions about me are not my things
Other people's image of me are not my things
Other people's story of me are not my things
The person that the Narcissist saw when she looked at me, was not me
The Narcissist was making someone up, the Narcissist was making up a bad, cruel, pathetic, unvaluable, unlovable person but that make- believe person existed in the Narcissist's mind first.
The Narcissist convinced me that I was the make-believe person 
The Narcissist was not really talking about me, the Narcissist was talking about the N's Idea of me

The Narcissist made up a bad story and the Narcissist told me that it was my story

[Meh]

May I be held in compassion.

May I be free from pain and sorrow.

May I be at peace.

[Meh]

I'm going to have to do a no-more posting intervention on myself. 

I'm procrastinating.

I've been on so many interviews, I've always found it easy to get a job in the past, not now.
I have to figure out a way to make a living and it might have to be a step down from what I was doing.

I have to fill out paperwork so I can cash out my dwindling retirement savings to pay my bills.
When I first lost my job, I told myself that cashing out my retirement would be the "hitting rock bottom"
I've never had any big debt in my life, I'm responsible.

I still have not paid my taxes, due to the fact that the only income I got was a few unemployment checks and I'm depressed, and the whole Nar-coworker, lost job, too many interviews, dumb government, big business jokesters, tax-money bail out, tax money job creating stimulus - jumble in my cranium ricochets around. I don't have a job, why do I have to pay taxes, if the tax money goes to stimulus money that makes jobs. Is my retirement money going to a corporate big wig. Who is my retirement-pay my rent money going to. I don't own a flat screen TV, or a swimming pool etc, I don't live beyond my means, I'm one of those brown rice in a bowl types. Not complaining about that, it's just that it does not add up somewhere.

I never not paid taxes before, it was not intentional this year, it's emotional this time around, I just didn't have the energy to fill in the little boxes, find the papers, hold the pen in my hand. It doesn't feel right this year.

This is the first emotional tax paying experience I have ever had.

I have to accept that even the government can be crazy making. Just let it go, stop thinking about it, it's too F'd up to make sense out of, I can't find sense, because sometimes life makes no sense. What does sense mean. Something like reasonable. Like logical.

Ehhhh....Ugh.......Grrrr

Good night.

[Meh]

How my mother used other people against me.

I think I already wrote about this, maybe not out here. I will have to go back and see.

My mother had a boyfriend that I hated. I hated him before I disliked her.
When I was young I did not psychologically comprehend what my mother was really like.
My mother used me as a buffer between him and her.
He would take his problems out on me, problems that were general. I was a general cause of his general problems.
I absorbed his negative energy so she did not have to. 
My mother also used him to keep me at a distance so I wouldn't get to "close to her". I can't really explain this now because I'm too tired and I don't really understand it yet.

I think my mother complained about me to her boyfriend and now with her new spouse.
My mother's current husband seems to have a negative image of me, I've had zero negative personal events with her husband.
I think her husband believes my Nar mother's story of me, not the real me.
It's one of those things I'm sure is going on, but since it's behind my back I don't know.
Behind the back. Gosh. I bet there is a lot of behind the back stuff that Nar-mothers-everywhere are doing. 

If my mother saw what I was writing about her, I think she would laugh. Then she would get mean and then punishing. Then she would throw a tantrum. She would look like a little kid when she did the tantrum.

This is still coming into clearer vision. My mother was emotionally absent and neglectful but not outwardly aggressive, her boyfriend was aggressive and domineering and physically threatening. Maybe he was an extension of her. Maybe my mother couldn't allow herself to be too physically aggressive with me but he could act it out for her and that is why she did not stop him.

I went through a time where I could not understand why my mother would not protect me against her boyfriend.

It's so sad how confused we all end up. The levels of confusion this sort of stuff causes.

There will never be Nar-Mothers Anonymous or Nar-Mothers unite against drugs or Nar-Mothers unite against abuse. For some reason I'm picturing Narcissist mothers across America. I think this is just me being tired.

[Meh]

Santa Clause Image

This is random: (I've got some totally bizaaro image in my head of santa claus riding his sleigh in the sky looking down at the houses and Santa knows which kids have Nar-mothers and normal mothers.) It's so sick and twisted. I can't comprehend this. Yes I can. It's about a child's view of the world (where Santa Clause can exist) and the adult's world where the complexities of Narcissism lives.  

I've been an adult for so long, I'm just adding this piece in there now.

Dealing with a Narcissistic person as an adult can be very difficult and the memories of it as an adult are intense.

In a child's world their sense of reality is such that they still believe in Santa and the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Still processing, processing...