My Truth

[Hopalong]

I am so happy for you Helen!

And your new employer has made a very smart choice.

I hope you'll enjoy it, grow in it, and take it all the experience offers...

You're going to thrive, not just survive.

SO glad you're going to have more income and less fear.

Great news!

Hops

[Meh]

So, I felt compelled this morning to write a little, it's like a little space because life just doesn't have a lot of space for what I call the truth. After I was hired for this position that I am currently in, I discovered that I am taking over for a relatively young woman who was actively dying of cancer. She did pass away last weekend. I wasn't told this forthright, I was eased into the situation.

I'm in too much of a hurry to write about this properly, I've had too much coffee, and am pressuring myself to go out and shop, but before I go shopping...

I have had a handful of the deceased woman's coworkers come up to me and express grief to me about the situation. Understandable sort of. I see it in their eyes they want to connect with me and share this mutual grief, I guess it is part of the grieving process to grieve together when a person dies.

I have made a point of being respectful.

One of the managers said to me so bluntly:  ......."And She is DEAD now"....

Many people really don't care when another person dies, these people that she saw everyday for years, some of them feel social pressure to be polite. But they don't really care.

No one wanted to touch her stuff like it was off limits, like I don't know, like maybe she is still alive or something.

I'm the one who cleaned out some of her stuff, people in the office are even telling me how there is still some of her food in the fridge... but none of them want to touch it.

Maybe some of them are not fully ready to believe she is 100% gone, I think some people do have feelings for her.

I had a very awkward conversation where a male coworker came up to my/her desk and was telling me in a loud voice how he is not very good about being careful and respectful in these types of situations. I had to put my finger up to my mouth and told him to not talk so loud and after a couple seconds of lowering his voice he got louder again and was talking about how he didn't have any feelings toward the woman who died meanwhile the other people in the office can over-hear the weird conversation I am having with this man that I really don't wish to be having.

I don't especially like this coworker he wants to tell me all of his personal feelings and stuff. Or his lack of personal feelings.

Anyways.

I want to move out of this job asap, it is only a temp job and I need the money after such a long period of being unemployed. ..

The manager of the whole department has already told me that she would be a reference for me to be a permanent employee there with her. I don't think I want this though.

Anyways.....

I'm going to go shop for myself.

Hope all  is well out there in cyberspace land, hope the Holidays are treating you well. I'm weathering the storm of "the most wonderful time of the year" by doing retail therapy.

Ok, I'm going to go waste my hard-earned money now.

[Hopalong]

Hi Helen...

I am so glad for you. Hope you thrive and strive in this job even if it's temporary.

Have you heard of Dave Ramsey? He's corny but very canny and has helped me so much.

hugs
Hops

[Meh]

Hi Helen...

I am so glad for you. Hope you thrive and strive in this job even if it's temporary.

Have you heard of Dave Ramsey? He's corny but very canny and has helped me so much.

hugs
Hops

No, havent heard of Dave Ramsey. He is a money guru right... I just looked it up.

Well, don't worry I really didn't blow my money I just bought underwear and work clothes.... blah...

It's not enough money to blow anyways.

[Meh]

Last Friday I got fired again from this temporary job I have been doing that I didn't really want but still was trying to do it anyways.

I'm not emotionally upset about it because I have been through worse, but god I need the money.

The part that I don't like is that this crap all gets put into my employee file.

So next week I am going to a union meeting where I am going to present the manager with a voluntary resignation and request that she process it to replace the dishonerable termination that was based on my "performance".

The problem with my performance is that I had an assertive communication style and she didn't like that.

Luckily since this was a union position there are other people in the same types of positions who are all having the same issues with this manager.

So that is what I am working on this afternoon, my statement and what I will present next week at the meeting.

I get to go back and advocate for my coworkers I guess.

On Thursday the manager had called my coworker and I down from our desks into a customer area and proceded to tell my coworker that he was doing something wrong. I stood up to her because there are convoluted circumstances behind this situation.
The manager had previously told me to train him even though I am new and the manager also told me it is not my responsibility to train him.
Additionally people are complaining about how this manager humiliates employees in public areas. I felt embarrassed for him and somewhat responsible.

I told her that it is someones responsibility to train us to do these things. Rather then humiliating him in public before he is even told how to do it properly. I asked her some questions about how to prioritize work she wouldn't respond to that and I told her I was frustrated.

She then got angry at me and demanded that I go over to her office with her in another building. This manager has a reputation for yelling at people. So I told her I'm not going over there with her today unless there is a mediator because she is having an angry reactive response and this is not a regularly scheduled meeting. She then changed her mind when I requested a third party be present and threatened to fire me.

I met with her the next morning only after I got her to say that she will speak to me in civil tones. I said "I feel reassured now that I know you are not going to yell at me".

She then fired me, first she tried saying I was aggressive for refusing to go over to her office, then she was saying insubordination then they ended up saying I don't communicate appropriately to leadership.
 
OH WELL!!!!    I will find a better job some day...

The truth is I think they already hired someone to replace me. I will find out more about that in the union meeting.

It turns out that the reason why that male coworker was venting to me previously is because the whole work group was having problems with communication, organizing the work and getting accurate information on how to do the work. It's too much of a mess. 

[sKePTiKal]

Sounds like you've escaped with your dignity intact, even if that doesn't pay the bills! I'm impressed how you handled this situation... you've made appropriate factual statements, asked for what you wanted/needed, and took the actions available to you to take care of yourself! Sounds to me like there's nothing wrong with your communication skills... (there's so much projection by ineffectual, incompetent bosses when faced with assertiveness in a subordinate).

How've you been otherwise? What's new?

[Sealynx]

Helen,
That company sounds like it engages in some absolutely vile practices. I don't think you have a rogue manager. She is following her superiors orders to a T. Discipline someone in front of lots of witness to both humiliate them and have other employees back up that the person was disciplined. If the employee requests a private meeting, scream and yell so they will not do so again. If a mediator is requested, cancel the meeting and then go back to tactic one. My guess is that this behavior is aimed at getting rid of employees about the time they might qualify for even a small raise in pay. That place is meant to be a revolving door.  Doors will open for you if let go of feelings about these monsters and see the world as full of opportunity.
S

[Meh]

Hi Phoenix & Sealynx,

Whats new?

Ah well, today I mostly moped about a little, looking out the windows not sure what plan of action to take. Plan A, Plan B, Plan C, or Plan D or Plan....

I don't think I have a lot of newness to talk about. I sat like a bump on a log, at the lake today, watched some birds catching fish, a turtle with red cheeks. I looked at the mountains and listened to the pebbles rolling over each other in the lake tide.

I have been doing some sewing with a geometric art deco print fabric making an A-line dress.

That's about it, that's what I do with myself, I make things, I hang out in nature.

One of my coworkers had a binge drinking night last week because of that work situation. I'm not going to do that.

Yes, I think I managed to maintain a good amount of dignity this time around. NO profanity, no attempts at retaliation, no tears.

[sKePTiKal]

Hey, nothing wrong with making things and hanging out in nature! It feeds the soul, I think... re-energizes the chi... and opens the doors of new possibilities & opportunities.

I've been doing a good bit of that myself these days, as I begin to turn this new house into the "Palace of the Pirate Princess" <yeah, there's a bit of sarcastic edge to that>.

But mostly, I've been noticing all the overlooked cleaning & maintenance the previous owners left for me... and I've been harping on that to the point, that I wonder why it's such a big deal. I mean, they have two younger boys and led an active social life... and it took me a month to be able to even see these things, so it's not like it was gross neglect. What do I gain, by judging them like this?

Been thinking about how we create our Selves, through personal narrative and perpetuating legends & myths about ourselves...

... and thinking I might have to start writing out this new chapter.

My MIL just spend 6 weeks literally voiceless; one of her vocal cords became paralyzed. She is now able to talk again. I became her advocate and asst. during that time, though the rest of the sibs are now stepping up since we've moved. Been reflecting on this, too... the difference between the literal, physical voicelessness she's experienced and the kind we know. Similarities, for sure... but also some differences.

I hope you have some friends - and even acquaintances - to hang out with, Helen. Solitude's a good thing - but only up to a point. Don't know about you - but sometimes I just get so BORED of my own head that it's refreshing to be with others. And I've missed you - we had fun with the pirate theme, huh?

[sKePTiKal]

ah! feeling "pirate-y" are ye, lass?

Hope you have fun...

[Ami]

 Dropping in to say Hello!        Ami

[Meh]

When I was a teenager I decided that I should probably be taking antidepressants. I knew that I didn't feel good but didn't know why.

Over the last year I have slowly stopped taking antidepressants (buproprion/Wellbutrin) mostly because of the cost and also the realization that when I was a teenager there were social/interpersonal factors that would contribute to me having the emotional health that I did.

On one hand I would think that stopping antidepressants and losing jobs appears to be a bad thing.

On the other hand, the job situations I had were not really my sort of thing. The economy/my education/my options maybe are not conducive to a high level of emotional health.

The thing is during my last bought of depression I was taking the pills and the pills did not prevent me from experiencing what is natural: grief and disappointment.

Maybe antidepressants can keep a person artificially stimulated  with happy chemicals in the brain, at least enough to endure a lifestyle/environment that is not naturally inducing enough happy brain chemicals.

I ask myself though, isn't it better to attempt at living in such a way that the happy chemicals are naturally occurring?

One of my coworkers from the last job was diagnosed with "Neurotic depression", another was going on drinking binges, another was on the verge of having panic attacks. Um, you know, people don't often want to discuss this sort of stuff, admit to it, but when people get together and start talking candidly it's darn interesting.

I think about how I physically felt when I talked to three managers at that place, one manager always exhausted me, one always frustrated me, and a third manager I felt fine after interacting with.

The corporate belief system would inform a "subordinate" that the boss is allways right no matter what.

Isn't it the same in a family.....the parent is right no matter what.

The thing is, if people ran away from, avoided or fought against that which evokes depression then probably some systems would be faced with change.

If I find a niche for myself where I don't have to deal with "the garbage", am I avoiding something that is prevalent wherever I go?

Sometimes I ask myself if the problem is with me or if it is with others.

Ok, that is the end of my contemplation for today.

[sKePTiKal]

I think I see what you're looking at...

I would posit that a parent isn't always right - and neither, therefore, is a boss. Both have some power over others - but I know that power (might) doesn't make "right". The problem for some people, is that they believe power automatically confers the ability to see, judge, define "right". But in reality it just confers the illusion of brute force over others - whether overtly or subtly. It's an illusion, because there are always choices - even though those choices may be limited, high-risk, and even on the surface "dangerous" or self-defeating.

And there is another side to power: responsibility. The type that realizes it's possible to be wrong, to make mistakes and the caring for others that requires a true apology and making amends. For me, power means owning the consequences of my decisions and actions that affect others and truly listening & caring (and trying to find solutions) when that is a problem for them.

[Hopalong]

Hi Helen,

I think the only benefit of saying to yourself, perhaps part of the problem is with me...would be that you see it very practically as: The problem of surviving and staying employed in this culture as it really is, is mine. Meaning:

--am I willing to repress my responses when I am angry or disagree?
--am I willing to mute my individuality just to keep the peace (and the job)?

Those are really, really hard choices. But I think for anyone who doesn't naturally "fit in a cubicle" -- they will recur.

I have had a very bouncy resume, and for the last 3.5 years have suffered a lot under an Nboss (I've had a few). However, at my long-in-the-tooth age when an unplanned-for old age has begun to truly scare the crap out of me...I'm learning to drop my FOO out of my daily life. Or at least, more than I ever could before.

I have pragmatic friends to whom I used to wail about the numerous workplace: injustice, sexism, unequal opportunity, misuse of power, promotion of incompetence, ethical issues, etc.

One of those friends, who's done very well, always would say in a mild tone: That's why they call it work.

Took me forever to accept that I had to make my own peace with what was real rather than ideal. And that I was NOT going to "get satisfaction" by fighting it. My larger satisfaction is coming now from the awesome FPU experience (Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University) -- in which he talks a great deal about outwitting the culture. (I am not like him politically or theologically at all, but consider the man a genius about survival, economically.)

There's a price. There were times I had huge depression. But eventually, I've found a way, even here and now, to be at peace during the workday. I've got a boundary around my emotions I did not have for the first two years. Took some awful Nabuse, but could not afford to confront (and be fired) or quit (and feel more desperate). So now, oddly enough, I'm less riled by Nboss, and less disturbed by the sexism. It's still here, and it's still wrong...but deep inside, I've detached.

(And am looking around for an exit. If it comes, I'll leave happily. And then have a whole series of lessons to learn from a new job.)

Hope that helps.

Don't give up. They just don't teach us how to deal with the grief over culture shock, and one of the main places we experience our culture at its most concentrated (and distorted) is at work....

Sure, part of the problem may be with you. And that's okay. The MACRO problem is in workplace culture. Your problem is how to carve out survival and peace of mind in spite of all that...even in the midst of it.

love,
Hops

[Meh]

Thank you Hops and Phoenix:

Thanks for the insightful feedback.

At the start of this job I thought I had a plan and I thought I had decided what my choices would be, I thought I could remain disengaged but somehow it is not so easy when actually in the fray, caught in the middle of the dynamic, I became part of the system even though I did not want to. My plan was only to have my toe wedging the door open.