This is a place where I put my thoughts that I can't tell anyone, that most people do not care to hear about or maybe don't really get.
It seems to me that joking about disfunctional families is standard social bantering but I notice that those people were not abandoned by their families.
When my drug addict brother or more recently my father whom I have not spoken with for over nine years calls me and leaves a msg, I don't pick up the msg immediately. I procrastinate, I do an internal check and ask myself "Am I strong enough to listen to this msg right now".
My mother has apparently been speaking to my father, they are divorced and never talk. The subject is me and now my father has been calling me. The way I see this is that it's all part of my mother's Nar-habits and it has nothing to do with me really. Yet I feel this pressure. And well... there is gnawing pressure.
I guess I haven't really processed all this yet and I don't want to. My father was never very considerate or respectful of me and my space and my hopes and dreams, personal boundaries and that is why he has left three msgs on my phone.
So yes of course when I get focused I'm going to find my cell and block his number tonight.
The thing is when I was younger in my early twenties and a teenager my father or brother could say something to me that would really ruin my whole day, they could say something that would put me into an emotional tailspin. Mostly to the effect of how I'm going to fail and how I should be afraid of failing.
I don't really care why they do this, I don't want to analyze it to death, I think mostly it is a controlling behavior.
The thing is when I look at my life compared to theirs even though I have my ups and downs they are more "failures" then I am.
So there is the other thing. My father who is essentially a failure comes at me with this "Daddy knows best" sort of attitude.
My brother and my father are both alcoholics who just have this scary fatalistic way that they paint the world and my life when they talk to me.
I'm probably not explaining this well.
My main point is that I had that feeling of familial pressure, relational pressure that my mother can get going. My mother gets all of the relatives into this frenzy and I just try to avoid and ignore all of them. They all are convinced that their frenzy is about me when they are the ones that it is about, when really it is about my mother.
So that message on my phone. I don't want it to ruin my day or my week and I have to make sure I'm not weak before I answer it. I have to do an emotional check. I have to be like the emotional command center and turn down the volume on my emotions.
I was in the shower today and I realized that I have read more, have done more personal work then my mother, father, brother, or other relatives combined.
I realized that I really do understand this more then any of them. Not that I will ever really get it, cus when I think I do I don't, and I don't want to waste my life getting it. I resent them for the amount of time and effort I have put into trying to understand disfunction.
I picture myself walking out a dust storm brawl of people fighting with each other unscathed and unnoticed like sometimes happens in Crocodile dundee movies, he casually, nonchalantly walks out of a bar while the whole bar clientele are drunkly, stupidly bloodying up each others faces.
Thats what I want for Thanksgiving and Christmas, to be that person who walks through a movie bar-brawl and is there yet somehow not there, above it, walking through it in a different space a different plane while every person around me is fighting. And then I meet the beautiful woman at the salon door and walk away. Well maybe not a beautiful woman.
