My Truth

[Ami]

I am gonna think about all the things Blackie wants to do. I always envied Multiple Personalities this one thing. Taking ALL the multiples together, they could express themselves                      Ami







PS I appreciate your input(((Helen.))) If you feel you want to end the discussion that is fine. I think I will take Blackie     to another thread if that is your desire.Let me know.

[Meh]

I'm going to take my flabby ass, that I love soo much and give it a walk and a meal.....

Bye for now! Good luck with Blackie. You can send me msg if there is anything else you want to say, I will read them later.

[Ami]

You were right, Helen. I was afraid I would kill my NM if I was Blackie. I became submissive Whitie-- no anger, infinite forgiveness  .  
  I can't face my H.  Whitie can only see good  things
  She is stuck b/c she can't wash off   BAD.                      Ami
                  





      

[Ami]

My H gives things. Whitie has all sorts of things. She can't face life.She can't face evil. Seeing it makes her bad.
 She dissolves.
 My  H takes care of Whitie as long as Whitie is good.
 Whitie has bad stomach aches  and is very skinny like a perfect model.
 
  
 
 
 

[Meh]

You were right, Helen. I was afraid I would kill my NM if I was Blackie. I became submissive Whitie-- no anger, infinite forgiveness  .  
  I can't face my H.  Whitie can only see good  things
  She is stuck b/c she can't wash off   BAD.                Ami   

     

For me personally, even as an adult, I have had the feeling (it is subtle but strong) that I would offend or hurt my mother's feelings if I was not subservient and polite and meek.

I think I need to tell myself that it's ok for me to offend my mother.

[Meh]

I don't think that I have a lot to write about today.

I woke up with a sore bite on the inside of my left cheek. I grind my teeth at night and it's ruining my teeth, probably stress related. I'm tempted to write about the impact of stress on me physically because I haven't been taking as good care of myself physically as I would like to.

It's like I have a lot of anxiety that I don't express during the day and when I fall asleep it all goes into my jaw.
I have to have dental work because of this, it's frustrating.

I think my internal deep feeling is "Why bother, what's the point, who cares".

Some part of me does care, some part of me does not care.

I don't know what my point is, maybe I have to get more real with myself about this. More honest with the ways that I neglect myself.  

I guess my body, more and more is feeling like it's been mummified and the muscles and sinews are drying out becoming constricted and stuck.

[Meh]

Wondering to myself what is the value of being serious. I guess if the world is run my goofballs that's not great.
But serious, is serious something that I like, that is useful to me. Is this an emotional zone that is valuable to me?
Is serious productive.

What is serious, is it fear and anger, is it the opposite of mirth.

I'm asking myself what is the value of seriousness.

Serious and responsibility.

What am I responsible for.. Ok this maybe a good question for me to answer today. To remind myself of what is important in my life. I think I have so much anxiety and anger that I don't even want to think about money right now.

[Ami]

For me,(( Helen))the "Why bother?" is the hopelessness from my NM where 'Why Bother?" WAS valid. I could never get traction,go forward. I was slapped on one side and knifed on the other.
 If I tried, I was told I tried too hard. If I didn't try, I was told I was incompetent. My life was the quintessential 'Why bother?"
 Maybe this rings a bell.
 I will give you some instances. My M told me to be a better student. When I was ,she told me not to be a "greasy grind". She told me to "fix myself up". When I did, she told me I was vain.
 If I was too thin, she told me I should look "healthier". If I was too fat, she would pick put s/one who was thin and compare me to them.
 It was on and on --no win i.e. Why Bother?            Ami

[Meh]

More of my "STUFF" Ramblings

Right now, this day, this moment, I feel grumpy and blah, my neck and jaw and back are sore and tight.
I think I'm pissed. Lets see what else is going on in me, I feel sort of hopeless.
Things/life can either get better or they can get worse.

I'm reminding myself that maybe I have been deluding myself.

I have to come up with some solutions to the job issue. I want to do something that is sort of creative and self directed.
This is not a good time to be picky about jobs though. I've had a lot of different types of jobs during my life, at this point I feel like I've earned the right to have a job that is relevant to me, my life and my personality but I have less money then I ever had before.
My options and choices maybe are not as many as I would like them to be, and the number of options I have certainly doesn't reflect all the hard work I put in on previous jobs. I feel like a work horse that has been working and working and now I want to run around in some fields, oh gosh I guess I'm saying I want to be put out to pasture. I don't want to do nothing.

I feel like my social worth is based on doing tasks and having knowledge that has nothing to do with ME. I can't find any passion for it.
Having a job one is passionate about maybe is a luxury. I feel like the world is telling me that I don't deserve to be happy, I don't deserve to be passionate about my life. I'm angry, I want to say f*ck you world. F U, FU, FU, FU....

Some part of me is saying "Have Faith" because I don't have anything else. FAITH did not get me anywhere though. OR did it?
Am I doing a valuation on my own life?

I'm sort of lost career wise. I spent years working in one area ....and now it looks like I've got to do something different.

I don't have money at this point to go back to school. I'm hoping for some miracle that is not going to come.

I want to live. Doesn't mean I don't want to work, it's just that I want to do something that is related to my essential SELF.

I want a job where I can BE my SELF.

I'm so frustrated with this. The truth is I was getting REALLY F'ING BORED at my last job BIG TIME.

I want a poison spear so I can launch it into the backs of the dumb guys in this cafe, the guys with their stupid bulging eyes.
Heck I would throw it directly into their front chests, nah I don't want to look at their stupid eyes.
Grumpy me.

Hey, I have the right to be grumpy, this IS coming from somewhere. My grumpiness is not arbitrary.

All right today I have a new world, I can't write what I'm thinking here it's too offensive.

Suffice to say, I'm feeling the desire to be the opposite of nice.

Nice and polite and slipping between the cracks.

Ok, I see some experiences as failures, maybe I should just see them as learning experiences.

Somethings just take so much dam work, I want to see the outcome the progress, this regaining of personal strength.

I'm a corporate whore.

What am I angry at me, my company, my society, my family, life?

There has to options and possibilities in this life.

I need to decide to beseeching request something.

I'm beseeching crying and begging on my knees for a job that doe not kill my spirit.
A job where there is plenty of room for me to shine.

Have I failed, I'm asking myself this.

I feel that I have failed at something.

The truth is I probably have not failed. I probably really need a change.

Allright God, or Tao, Or Goddess or Zeus or Superman, or Boogerman...I'm beseeching, I need some help.
I need to find a new direction and path. I need to make money. I need something that is more then making money.

I have some sort of feeling in my heart, I think it's a desperation in my heart.
Is my heart desperate? To be what? What does this heart want, does it have desires. Is it possible for my heart to express it's self at work.
Do I even do work anymore? Some people play and make money playing.

There are no concrete job prospects coming up.

I'm tired of being what people expect me to be.
Tired of being what people tell me to be.
Tired of worrying that I may offend someone.

Meek ME, just aint workin no more.

NO more.

I see dumb guys in business suits and I want to crunch them under my foot like black cockroaches. I can hear the crunch right now, and ugh gross, the goop junk that comes out of them. It's infected and dirty and it needs to be incinerated. Or throw far far far far far far far far away. FAR away. I'm festering with EVIL today.

I need to get in touch with my inner EVIL Villain.

What is my evil villain name. THE EXTERMINATOR. Hum, maybe something else.
Some sort of Xena warrior princess thing.

My truth is, maybe pirate me is closer to my essential SELF then "Helen" is.

Maybe I need to symbolically change my name.

I feel like I need to pound my fist on something and yell in an Italian Godfather's voice. I never saw those movies.

Who is the best evil villain ever. I don't want to be a super hero.

I DON'T WANT TO BE A SUPER HERO.
OK this above statement makes me want to tear up slightly
Maybe I'm exhausted from trying to be so F'ing Good.
Well, F my nice parts, F them. F little bo peep, F her, F Missy flower-mouth, F her. F the nice her FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

I want to be miss piggy. Not quite. Minus the pig-fat part. Minus her temper.
I just want to be a B*tch some days.
I have the right to be a b*tch.
My Bitch is not BAD
My Bitch is great, she if Fing Great.
I love my Bitch.
Get the f out of my way, I'm gonna spear someone. Get out of my way briefcase man, I have a life, and you are a blood sucking tick.
I want to jack hammer is head out. leave it empty and throw away the crap contents. It will look like a monster woodpecker came and destroyed the suits. The men with dead brief cases. Dead Dead.

My job was dead. Deadening. Morose Corpse. A corpse in a business office.

I feel like I'm going to go through one of those magical wonder-woman transformations.
I will turn around a few times and out will pop this medusa thing, I have all these worms like wiggling out of head and my tongue has like this poison darts that I can spit out. I see men in suits falling over like dominoes.

Clearly the corporate thing has gotten the better of me. I'm now a wrathful Godzilla sized monster that is climbing to the top of a building and shooting fire balls out of parts of my body I rather not describe. He He He, Grrrr, Argggghhh! ?

[Meh]

For me,(( Helen))the "Why bother?" is the hopelessness from my NM where 'Why Bother?" WAS valid. I could never get traction,go forward. I was slapped on one side and knifed on the other.
 If I tried, I was told I tried too hard. If I didn't try, I was told I was incompetent. My life was the quintessential 'Why bother?"
 Maybe this rings a bell.
 I will give you some instances. My M told me to be a better student. When I was ,she told me not to be a "greasy grind". She told me to "fix myself up". When I did, she told me I was vain.
 If I was too thin, she told me I should look "healthier". If I was too fat, she would pick put s/one who was thin and compare me to them.
 It was on and on --no win i.e. Why Bother?            Ami

Hum, I suppose I never really analysed my "Why bother"

Why bother, was it valid, is it valid....interesting.

"Why bother" Certainly is not making any thing better.

The WHY BOTHER monster.

I'm going to give all these ideas storybook characters.

The WHY BOTHER monster is big and brown like a turd. He comes and smashes every thing I do. It comes and ruins things for no good reason. He wants nothing to get done. HE says. DOOONTTTT BOOOOTHER!!!!! AAAAHHHHH.

I'm laughing now.

 

[Gabben]

Is my heart desperate?

Dear Helen,

A desperate heart is the heart that God loves most.

The times in my life where I felt just like all that you wrote in your post were the times when I was most close to God or rather when God was reaching the most for me to turn to Him in complete trust. Learning to listen to my heart and not what the world expects, not easy but so fullfilling in terms of peace and getting down to the real stuff of life and our true selves.

[Meh]

I'm listing and naming my monsters:

1) WHY BOTHER MONSTER

I'm seeing a place that is made out of precious faceted expensive crystal, I am the only thing in this world that is not precious and I should not break any of the crystal. I have to be very very careful so I don't screw up. So I don't crash something, leave smudges. Nothing. There are caves and palaces of crystal. I don't like these palaces. They gleam but I hate being there.

There are gardens of crystal, like a cut crystal vase, fields and flowers of crystal. People think this is so beautiful like it heaven BUT I HATE IT. I don't want to be in this world. I'm leaving dirty tracks every where dirty foot steeps my shoes are boot-like and dirty. Every where I go in this perfect sparkling crystal place is my trail of dirt.

2) UGLY MONSTER
This is the feeling of fear that someone is always going to find something wrong and bad and ugly about me. This monster makes me want to hide. It follows me around looking for something on me to criticize. The ugly monster. The ugly monster is black and has green eyes.
The ugly monster can be anywhere can be any size huge and small, it follows me around like a shadow. It's sneaky.

Maybe I will wear a dress today for no good reason, A dress to exercise in, a dress and sneakers.

3) YOUR MEAN MONSTER
The mean monster tells me that I'm mean unless I do every thing it tells me to do.
The mean monster tells me to jump off a cliff without a parachute and if I don't want to then it says I'm mean and difficult.
The mean monster has a little voice that says "YOuur mean, your difficult, your cold, it's your FAULT.

4) Maybe there is a "FAULT MONSTER"
Its your fault is what the fault monster says. IT's yellow.
This monster grows bigger when it's pointing it's finger. IT takes up all the space in the room and it points to me but I'm invisible and it says YOUR AT FAULT.

There are a lot of monsters following me around all the time they are invisible to everyone else, Nar-people can see my monsters. I am just starting to see my monsters.

5) MANY EYE MONSTER
There is a many eyed monster that is always watching me. It hovers over my bed when I sleep watching, watching, it monitors me, every move.
It's sort of gray and the eyes blink individually at different times. All it wants to do is watch and look and look and see every thing. The EYE monster does not want to give me privacy.

6) SOFTY MONSTER or BABY BOILED MOUSE MONSTER

7) KNOT THOUGHT MONSTER

ICE BODY MONSTER

9) SHOCK YOU MONSTER

10) "DUMB GUY" MONSTER

11) NEGLECT MONSTER
 
I'm not sure these are the right monsters, maybe I will have to recast some of these characters.

12) SARCASTIC CYNICAL MONSTER
I HATE this monster, it has a fake smile, a mean smile, a fake fake smile.

13) PHYSICAL PAIN MONSTER
This monster lives inside of me. The monster tells me that my pain is not real and that I should ignore my pain. My pain is not important, that is what this monster tells me. This monster is like a jacket/coat and it has a hood, the hood has eyes on it, the hood can make me forget, and think weird things.

14) Dancing Monster

This monster is a good monster but I'm afraid of it, Maybe it's not a monster maybe it is a spirit.

15) Grabby guy monster
This is that stupid monster that makes my skin crawl. the one that cant psychically stay in his own f'ing body.

[Meh]

Is my heart desperate?

Dear Helen,

A desperate heart is the heart that God loves most.

The times in my life where I felt just like all that you wrote in your post were the times when I was most close to God or rather when God was reaching the most for me to turn to Him in complete trust. Learning to listen to my heart and not what the world expects, not easy but so fullfilling in terms of peace and getting down to the real stuff of life and our true selves.

~ Thank you  Gabben ~

[Meh]

DANCING SPIRIT
This spirit can be out of control and can crash through a bandstand, over all it is a friendly monster.
This monster threatens to offend other people. This monster has a really big rear end and the rear end might bump people out of the way and then the people who were bumped out of the way might get mad.

SINGING SPIRIT
This spirit can get me in trouble but it helps me when I'm lost in the dark woods.

ART SPIRIT
This spirit might waste my time, or at least I'm afraid that it will. It might distract me. It might be a good spirit, I'm not sure.
It's a female spirit.

Warrior spirit
Does this one exist? Maybe. I think I really like this one. Where is it? It's like a Scottish Highland Creature. With bows and arrows. ??

HAPPY spirit or is it HAPPY monster
Is this a monster? Maybe there are two of them. The monster threatens to make my world fall apart.
I'm afraid that if I'm happy something bad is going to happen.



ps: VOICE SPIRIT
ROAR! ROAR! ROAR! ROAR! It's louder then a lion.
This VOICE SPIRIT could shatter the crystal palace. Oh yeah it could!!! Ha.. Is that it? What is this.
My voice could break something.


VOICE SPIRIT COULD BREAK SOMETHING!

[Meh]

I have a super power, it is an Alanis Morrisette song that is in a bottle and I can throw it. It's a Molot*v Cocktail.

I have another super power, it is a curse that seems to have really worked in the real world.
It is a big thorn that I have put into men's hearts when I'm really pissed at them. It seems to mess em up until I psychically remove it.
I should never have removed this, I should have left it in his sorry excuse for a heart.

Ok, I guess I'm writing about him. So why.. Was he important... Does he have anything to do with voicelessness?

Why am I writing this?

Does deception leave someone voiceless.

I think he never heard my voice. Or maybe he heard it and ignored. I mean he was f'ing smart. Too f'ing smart not to hear it.

Some people simply can't hear our voices they don't have the right brand of hearing aids and then there are others who hear it but ignore it.

So maybe the point is I'm learning more about my voice, and in the process of learning about my essential voice then I can spot people who can't hear it or won't hear it or want to strangle it.

I hope I'm learning to discern the people who can and will hear from those who will not, and that I will not waste my time with f-ers.