My Truth

[Meh]

Amber, Thank you, I really mean it. I felt comforted in reading this.

That sounds so supportive to me, it's nice to hear supportive words from time to time!

[sKePTiKal]

You're welcome!

[Meh]

It seems that I'm currently not writing. I'm setting a miniature tree in my writing room, it is a little citrus tree. No, I'm putting it outside on the porch/balcony that is connected to my upstairs writing room. I'm going to go out there and pinch the old flowers off of the nasturtiums. There is a passion flower vine and some pots with pink snap dragons. I'm going to get a small canvas and doodle.

Ok, I like the snapdragons A LOT because when I was a kid I thought they were so fun, like little finger puppets.

I'm going to plant more.


More to write:

I don't know I have things to write about but I'm not.

Currently I'm "getting to know" this guy, I guess, I'm not sure.

I'm not sure if I'm going to push him away, that is what I tend to do. I push people away. I'm really difficult when it comes to guys, I'm like a screaming kicking kid, maybe I start arguments I'm not sure. Maybe I'm reasonable.

The thing is if I don't push him away, then my alternative is probably terror.
(Laughing at myself).

My poor heart is messed up.

Part of me suspects that he really doesn't like me and that I should just be humiliated at myself for thinking that he could.

I'm reminded of the saying if it's too good to be true, it probably is not true.

[sKePTiKal]

So go slow... wait & see if his actions match what he "says"... remember that boundaries are meant to have doors in them - like fences & gates... and there are many "circles" of boundaries.

I suspect, that maybe it's not so much that you push guys away... as it is, they are scared of your strength once they see it.

[Ami]

Dear(( Helen))
 I am gonna put on my Swhami hat(turban  )   and give you my gut feeling. I think he is OK. If he is a deep, insightful. sensitive yet strong guy , you can grow with him. You can show him yourself and  he can hold it gingerly.
 It will hurt cuz I suspect you have a lot of trust issues, as we do  with NM's.
 If God brought him, it will be OK. If not, you can't hold it.
 Ask your deepest heart, when you are quiet, and see what it says.                                     Ami


PS If I didn't have my friend, I would be no where. That is the truth.

[Hopalong]

Hi Helen...

The book A Fine Romance by Judith Sills is one of the most HELPFUL self-help books about relationships I've ever read.

This is exactly the timing, when it would do you the most good...

love and luck,
Hops

[Meh]

Hi Helen...

The book A Fine Romance by Judith Sills is one of the most HELPFUL self-help books about relationships I've ever read.

This is exactly the timing, when it would do you the most good...

love and luck,
Hops

Thanks much for the recommendation Hops, I'm already reading the preview of the book on Amazon. THANKS!!!!
I've read up to the second page of the preface and I'm ready to cry already. I am a disaster romantically, I've been in denial on that whole subject, haven't read any books about it at all really. Yeah, I can feel my heart running away to HIDE bounding out the door with my body still sitting here miles behind. Maybe I don't even want it. I'm exhausted already. I'm starting to see all of my internal struggle. My internal life is like some sort of confusing war zone. Well I guess at least this is an opportunity to look at my internal happenings more closely I suppose.


I sing that song when I wash my dishes "A Fine Romance My Dear Fellow, You Take Romance and I'll Take Jello, I might as Well be playing cards with my old maid aunt, this is a fine romance"..  

[Meh]

Dear(( Helen))
If God brought him, it will be OK. If not, you can't hold it.

Yeah, there is a component of not controlling in these situations, or letting go.

Thanks Ami.

[Meh]

So go slow... wait & see if his actions match what he "says"... remember that boundaries are meant to have doors in them - like fences & gates... and there are many "circles" of boundaries.

Thanks Phoenix.

[Meh]

This probaby has nothing to do with voicelessness, but now, stupid me, I'm pretty much doing that thing "waiting by the phone for him to call".

I just want companionship someone to cuddle with, picnics, why is it so flippin' difficult for people to do this. OR for me to do this.

Now I'm sort of pissed at this guy for starting anything in the first place.

It's fine, it's probably a good thing, I mean I guess it makes me realize how lonely I am, but the thing is I get use to my loneliness, I adapt to it and then I don't feel so lonely anymore. This works as long as guys don't interfere with my loneliness.

"Don't interrupt my loneliness, I have it refined to an art form"

After all what would I have to look forward to? Becoming a sperm receptacle?

Ugh. I will take my freedom any day.

Oh that guy better not even contact me now, cus I am so wanting to bitch him out.

Guys like to say this thing about expectations about how they want females to have few expectations of them, well you know what I HAVE EXPECTATIONS. And I am not ashamed of it. I absolutely have expectations and I am gonna say it if he even dares to contact me again he better just go running with his wimpy tail between his legs. Grrrrrrrr.

Ok, I will not do that because it will make me look insane to him.



I already resigned myself to becoming a lonely old maid years ago. That is not exactly what I want I don't think.
I should just stick to the plan, The Lonely Old Maid Plan.

The Lonely Old Maid Plan can bring a certain type of contentment.

I'm just pissed that guys even mess with me at all, I just want to say if you aren't serious then don't even look at me, don't even talk to me.

I'm not putting up with wimpy men anymore.

[Ami]

This probaby has nothing to do with voicelessness, but now, stupid me, I'm pretty much doing that thing "waiting by the phone for him to call".

I just want companionship someone to cuddle with, picnics, why is it so flippin' difficult for people to do this. OR for me to do this.

Now I'm sort of pissed at this guy for starting anything in the first place.

It's fine, it's probably a good thing, I mean I guess it makes me realize how lonely I am, but the thing is I get use to my loneliness, I adapt to it and then I don't feel so lonely anymore. This works as long as guys don't interfere with my loneliness.

"Don't interrupt my loneliness, I have it refined to an art form"

After all what would I have to look forward to? Becoming a sperm receptacle?

Ugh. I will take my freedom any day.

Oh that guy better not even contact me now, cus I am so wanting to bitch him out.

Guys like to say this thing about expectations about how they want females to have few expectations of them, well you know what I HAVE EXPECTATIONS. And I am not ashamed of it. I absolutely have expectations and I am gonna say it if he even dares to contact me again he better just go running with his wimpy tail between his legs. Grrrrrrrr.

Ok, I will not do that because it will make me look insane to him.



I already resigned myself to becoming a lonlely old maid years ago. That is not exactly what I want I don't think.
I should just stick to the plan, The Lonely Old Maid Plan.

The Lonely Old Maid Plan can bring a certain type of contentment.

I'm just pissed that guys even mess with me at all, I just want to say if you aren't serious then don't even look at me, don't even talk to me.

LOL  You are so cute!                                                         Ami

[Ami]

Cute?

I think guys call this B*tch.

Good Morning Ami.

Good Morning, Helen 

[Meh]

I want Picnics. The kinds when you go and lay out a blanket under a tree and sit and hang out and the two people having the picnic want to hang with each other. Someone take me on a fricken picnic already. Already.

There are parks near by me and I have seen people having picnics all summer except not me, because there are somethings that are just better not done alone. How can a person have a picnic alone. It's just not fun.

The idea of having a picnic by oneself is sad, like a single person driving a tandem bike. It's just not doable.

No one is gonna take ME on a picnic. EVER.

I deserve to be a total b*tch. I deserve to have this because maybe it is the only thing I have. Bitterness, why should I go around being nice to picnic people! Oh gosh I have such an idea right now. An Idea.

Aaarrrhhhh!!! Throwing my picnic basket into the pond, jelly jars sing and sandwitches float for the ducks to eat. FINE!
JUST fricken FINE!!!!! I'm OK, OK, OK, OK

Hi, how are you? I'm OK, no one will have a picnic with me but I'm OK.

[Meh]

Ok, this guy, I am attracted to him, he has muscles! REAL muscles! And I want them wrapped around me.

Misery.

I'm like a teenager. In fact a woman just insisted that I look like I'm 18, I think this is suppose to be a complement for women.
It's not true, my ass is not 18 yrs old.



So my goal is just to get some guy muscles wrapped around me and I have to read books? I have to have strategies. Why?
It's so basic, so human, why is it like some sort of NASA circuit board manual. I make it too hard because I'm a control freak, I could have just stuck my butt in his face, but of course I didn't and wouldn't do that. It's exhausting. I'm taking a break.

I have to remind myself to be my normal vulgar weirdo self, it's so tempting to act different around someone that I want to impress.

Like, gosh should I go get my toe nails painted now as if that fricken matters.



Ok, Now I go knit like an old maid.

[Ami]

Ok, this guy, I am attracted to him, he has muscles! REAL muscles! And I want them wrapped around me.

Misery.

I'm like a teenager. In fact a woman just insisted that I look like I'm 18, I think this is suppose to be a complement for women.
It's not true, my ass is not 18 yrs old.



So my goal is just to get some guy muscles wrapped around me and I have to read books? I have to have strategies. Why?
It's so basic, so human, why is it like some sort of NASA circuit board manual. I make it too hard because I'm a control freak, I could have just stuck my butt in his face, but of course I didn't and wouldn't do that. It's exhausting. I'm taking a break.

Ok, Now I go knit like an old maid.

I have a thought for you while you knit. I got several e books on male/female relationships. Let's face it, I have been in a hole for decades so need some remediation. Is it anything to be ashamed of  ?