Helen... breathe! It's OK... there don't have to be rules about what you want... or how the guy is...
LOL! Really... It's OK. Guys will tend to show you who they are, instead of talking about themselves. At least, at first.
It's sort of a dance... like playing Pirate Princess... it's supposed to be FUN and it doesn't have to be anything other than that, because you still "get to decide"... you're still the Cap'n... and you don't have to - won't - trade your whole "crew" and ship just to dance. That doesn't have to be part of the deal... you know?
One of the things I've struggled with is some unwritten/unspoken "expectation" or rule, that I have to sacrifice everything - including "me" (my whole self) - for the sake of a relationship, safety, "muscles". I guess that's because that's what my mom required of me, you know? It's actually kinda exhilarating to try NOT doing this, in a relationship... first, nothing "bad" happens... and second, it really lowers the level of angst & anxiety... and helps me understand that I AM safe within my own boundaries... and it helps me feel more confident about crossing out of my "pirate ship" into someone elses' world... and then, letting them into mine.
That sounds a lot easier and simpler than it is in reality. Maybe push hands is a better way of illustrating what I'm talking about. In reality, practicing this "boundary" dance... things happen quickly, subtly, sometimes there are no "clues" as to what is happening or about to happen... but if your stance is correct, your "root" firmly planted, and your awareness calm & centered... you can engage ("dance") and still deflect the unexpected "attack" - i.e., defend your "space"... and remain engaged in the dance... and it doesn't become life/death - good/bad - it just stays fun.
Unlike the solo form, where there are thousands of minute corrections and a "standard" for each posture... push hands is fluid, dynamic, spontanteous, energy-based. And the only rule that's important to remember in push-hands, is to help "take care of" your opponent... to not deliberately try to hurt them.
I had one partner - very much a beginner - who didn't seem to understand that rule and he had a height advantage on me. Each encounter, the force he exerted on me increased beyond my "natural" tendency to defend... and I would simply step aside and let his own "force" carry him on past me until he finally caught on, that there needed to be an equilibrium or balance between us... to really start to see the point of the practice. The point was not for one person to win or defeat the other. Push hands isn't a "contest" or "battle"... and it's superb for learning to "see" things about boundaries. Knowing when to step aside is just as important as building the seige walls and defending them...
