My Truth

[Ami]

I went to the beach today and read a book then all I wanted to do was to bury my face into my pillow, once I get into bed I don't really cry though it's just blank out like anesthesia.

I started this day as Happy, I ended it as miserable deciding that my grief of not having a family, a tribe, a place, a home, a belonging, belonging to someone. A stuckness. The "quiet desperation or silent desperation" or what ever that phrase is.

I see why I stayed in my own world I was safe there, my quietness, much safer. Safety in aloneness. Alone is a safe and unkind place.

Some times I really do just feel like garbage. On the beach I finally was picturing all my red blood running out into the water.
I picture myself dissapearing and I see how the world is the same without me. So I don't know what am I doing here, "what is the point", I ask that of myself.

I'm not going to kill myself just expressing the feeling and my thoughts, I do think about it.

It would be a way out. I wonder if the suffering is worth living for. If suffering has its own value it is a stupid thought, but I have to find meaning in stupid things somedays.
I'm ok, if I go to sleep I will wake up and feel different tomorrow.

I feel like I'm stupid for being hopeful, because in my heart I know the truth is disappointment. That is what my life is about.

I read what I wrote above it sounds so down.

I'm running out of life, days for living, thinking that I can change me. I don't change, I haven't changed for the past ten years, instead I'm just getting older, older, older, life going into the gutter and away and its gone. And my grief is there under it all.

I need to just gather myself together possibly. Lay down turn the lights off and then get up later.

Men they take and don't give back.

Life itself takes and doesn't give back...that is the time...it is loss...

This isn't making any sense cause I'm too tired and upset that I can't think or make my fingers want to type.

Try again later.

It makes PERFECT sense , Sweet Girl!                                                xxxoooo  Ami

[Hopalong]

((Helen))

what are you grieving for?
what part of you?

love,

Hops

[Ami]

Dear Helen
 Perhaps, you are feeling deeply buried emotions of hopelessness , despair and pain. That is good cuz you are bringing the lies up to the light so you can see them and let them go.
 The buried things are what kill us, making us  do the same things over and over.
  Keep sharing all your feelings! I want to hear.                   xxooo   Ami

[Ami]

Hi Helen

I miss you!                                    Ami

[Meh]

Hi Helen

I miss you!                                    Ami

Thanks Ami, I miss me too. The me before some dumb guy came along and got me startin thinkin on muscles.

I went to the beach yesterday and there was this man standing on the shore of the beach holding this little baby. I was all like...Ohhhh...Ohh.

Ehhh.....I'm dumb and I'm tired.

[Ami]

Hi Helen

I miss you!                                    Ami

Thanks Ami, I miss me too. The me before some dumb guy came along and got me startin thinkin on muscles.

I went to the beach yesterday and there was this man standing on the shore of the beach holding this little baby. I was all like...Ohhhh...Ohh.

Ehhh.....I'm dumb and I'm tired.

It is OK to be dumb and tired!                                                            Ami

[Meh]

OK, I guess I'm posting this here. This is just a realeasing of my immature stupidity. I don't need any consoling, because you all don't really know me, and you don't know this guy so you can't really know I just need to put it out there and see how it sounds and looks when I leave it out in the open for a while. I know this is soo highschoolish or something but here it goes. It's my thoughts this morning.

I don't believe he could like me, he is really good looking. I think he is playing with me.
I can't explain to him that if I get hurt again the maggots in my heart will multiply into king kong maggot monsters that will eat a whole city and then (I have to omit a part of this here because it makes me laugh hysterically like I'm crazy) are going to liquefy into maggot juice that drains down into hell itself and turns my soul into a demon or something like that. I don't know.

I guess I could tell him that maybe. Ha HA HA HAAA!

I'm afraid. Really afraid. I don't believe it... I might ruin it because I don't believe it.

I met him in a cafe, I rolled out of bed no shower put on a sweatshirt and went to the cafe, hair a depressed nest. I mean I don't think I'm attractive but not especially that day. I was gross.

I feel like he picked out the dumpiest chick to get an easy f*ck.

But he is good looking, it doesn't make any sense.

Maybe I just keep on taking it slow, flirting just for the fun of it?


Do guys really like to put their arms around women and hold them? Do they just say this.

I mean the guys I've been with are sort of in and out. No cuddle no sweetie. Just a stoic man that tolerates my cuddling.

I think he is too fricken good looking, OH no I'm falling into infatuation.


I'm tempted to help him date women because he is good looking and I just don't get it. I DONT GET IT.  Something is not adding up, I'm gonna figure out what is wrong, digging, I'm going to find the fricken truth. But hey part of me does say maybe I should just scr*w him.

But part of me says no that is not what I want or...what do I want? Does what I want exist? Oh right, I want a picnic but maybe not a picnic. I just want someone who is happy just to hang out with me. Yeah, ok I have had that sometimes. I want someone who is not going to hurt me. NOT GOING TO HURT ME.

I mean yes guys are sometimes attracted to me and it freaks me out, usually. Yeah, I can't really deal with it. IT's sort of too much.



 

[Ami]

OK, I guess I'm posting this here. This is just a realeasing of my immature stupidity. I don't need any consoling, because you all don't really know me, and you don't know this guy so you can't really know I just need to put it out there and see how it sounds and looks when I leave it out in the open for a while. I know this is soo highschoolish or something but here it goes. It's my thoughts this morning.

I don't believe he could like me, he is really good looking. I think he is playing with me.
I can't explain to him that if I get hurt again the maggots in my heart will multiply into king kong maggot monsters that will eat a whole city and then (I have to omit a part of this here because it makes me laugh hysterically like I'm crazy) are going to liquefy into maggot juice that drains down into hell itself and turns my soul into a demon or something like that. I don't know.

I guess I could tell him that maybe. Ha HA HA HAAA!

I'm afraid. Really afraid. I don't believe it... I might ruin it because I don't believe it.

I met him in a cafe, I rolled out of bed no shower put on a sweatshirt and went to the cafe, hair a depressed nest. I mean I don't think I'm attractive but not especially that day. I was gross.

I feel like he picked out the dumpiest chick to get an easy f*ck.

But he is good looking, it doesn't make any sense.

Maybe I just keep on taking it slow, flirting just for the fun of it?


Do guys really like to put their arms around women and hold them? Do they just say this.

I mean the guys I've been with are sort of in and out. No cuddle no sweetie. Just a stoic man that tolerates my cuddling.

I think he is too fricken good looking, OH no I'm falling into infatuation.


I'm tempted to help him date women because he is good looking and I just don't get it. I DONT GET IT.  Something is not adding up, I'm gonna figure out what is wrong, digging, I'm going to find the fricken truth. But hey part of me does say maybe I should just scr*w him.

But part of me says no that is not what I want or...what do I want? Does what I want exist? Oh right, I want a picnic but maybe not a picnic. I just want someone who is happy just to hang out with me. Yeah, ok I have had that sometimes. I want someone who is not going to hurt me. NOT GOING TO HURT ME.

I mean yes guys are sometimes attracted to me and it freaks me out, usually. Yeah, I can't really deal with it. IT's sort of too much.



 

Picnic's exist,so does  cuddling and  hearts entwined.I have it so it exists. I have had it in other relationships, too, but not the soul connection I have now. I have never had that ,ever. Most guys want a heart connection too, even though they would never say it cuz it seems wimpy. They want romance , too.
 If a woman gives sex too soon, the guy is dissapointed  cuz HE wants the heart thing ,too.He has to act like he wants a roll in a hay or he looks unmanly.
 The woman has to act with self respect for a long term relationship to develop. It is up to the woman, especially in the beginning.
PLEASE , anyone ,don't anyone start an argument about anything I said. It is my opinion and experience and not up for debate of any sort.

[Meh]

I know that bailing before I crash is one of my coping strategies in life.

I did this when I tried to learn to water ski. I got up fine on the skis, really no problem but I'm a little afraid of water and I would let go before I could really get going on the skis.

AM I doing this to myself? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I'm just gonna hang in there? Until I crash and the waves rip my skull to oblivion.

I don't know this morning. I am in utter unknown I don't want to know. I'm afraid to know.

Afraid to know that maybe no one can love me and never will love me.

I mean I know this is not true, Maybe, I don't know.

I am having an I DONT KNOW DAY. I DONT BELIEVE IT

I am literally wringing my hands as I read what I just wrote. I don't normally wring my hands!

I'm developing new and greater heights of anxiety!! Yippeee!! Ha Ha

[Ami]

I know that bailing before I crash is one of my coping strategies in life.

I did this when I tried to learn to water ski. I got up fine on the skis, really no problem but I'm a little afraid of water and I would let go before I could really get going on the skis.

AM I doing this to myself? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I'm just gonna hang in there? Until I crash and the waves rip my skull to oblivion.

I don't know this morning. I am in utter unknown I don't want to know. I'm afraid to know.

Afraid to know that maybe no one can love me and never will love me.

I mean I know this is not true, Maybe, I don't know.

I am having an I DONT KNOW DAY. I DONT BELIEVE IT

I am literally wringing my hands as I read what I just wrote. I don't normally wring my hands!

I'm developing new and greater heights of anxiety!! Yippeee!! Ha Ha

Whenever your emotions are WAY off the scale to what is actually happening, it is a FOO replay. You are back as the terrified , powerless child  It feels horrible like you are drowning, suffocating, dying.
 Your feelings are PAST feelings but feel like they are from the present situation.
 

[Meh]

The thing is I don't even know if my emotions are way off the scale.

I don't know what my emotional scale is.

This fricken guy might give me a scale breakdown. F him. F him anyways.

OK, OK, OK

I'm letting it go.

Ami, don't worry I don't need anything , I'm OK, I'm just voicing it out.

I am calming down now.

The thought of someone loving me and also romantically does make me flip.

Really the romance I had was devoid of real love. and was so twisted and complicated that I can't believe that any thing could be EASY.

But there are some people that just laugh at me and say "I think you are traumatized" because of my freaking out.

Yeah. MY HEART HAS BEEN TRAUMATIZED LIKE PSTD AND the idea of being loved puts be back into trauma-drama.

I would freak this guy out if I broke down in front of him, I would freak myself out and a huge crack would open up in the earth and we would fall into HELL!!!

OK, that is way over dramatic.

I'm going to leave the board for at least a few hours I think until I am not hysterical.

I think my own "hysteria" is so funny. But it's real and it is probably sad that I have so much trouble receiving love.

I need to have compassion for myself.

[Ami]

OK   I won't interfere Sweetie.

[Meh]

Yeah, I'm coming up against some sort of shame that is associated with me. The wall of shame.

The barrier of shame. Oh my god. And this guy, I don't think he has any shame at all. Maybe that is good.

Now I go for a walk.

[Ami]

I have to say something.

With my friend what  MADE it so precious was that I COULD break down, freak out, emote while I was on the ceiling like  a helium balloon and he still loved me. That is how I healed.

[Meh]

So I managed to make myself sound like a slut to this guy anyways despite trying not to. Oh well. I can't believe it. I think he won something.. I don't know what, but proof that I'm garbage or something like that. I'm so humiliated I don't want to come across that way. Errhh, who fricken cares. Can I recuperate after one mistake. Or is this all a big mistake. La La La La La La La

The reason why I'm letting this guy play me is because he is attractive and I feel lucky that he is paying any sort of attention to me at all.

I could show you his picture and the women would all unanimously say "Oh Yeah HE's Trouble".
You know what? I like trouble. I mean I'm not fullfilled with it but I like the guys that are Trouble. I like that crazy mess that my life goes into and I also hate it. I guess it's exciting. That is the word. EXCITING

I'm so tired.

I'm reading this book that is suppose to give women insight into men, it basically is written on the premise that women want 1) Baby 2) Diamond 3) House. This book is really frustrating to me.  

I don't think that I want any of these things. I never have been one of those people that dreamed about these things.

Does that make me some sort of slut, like I'm on the fringe of society or something. Not good enough to be a wife. I NEVER WANTED to be a WIFE!!! NEVER in my whole life. It's like the book says that is the highest occupation the highest status a woman can have in a mans life, his loyal, demure, ego boosting wifey. Like a pet dog.

I actually started crying last night when I was reading this book. Because it describes people like me as if I am garbage. See I never would have read this stupid book if this dumb guy had never asked me out to lunch that is how pathetic I am. I want guys to take me out to lunch, I want the attention, there you go, I am starved for attention really I am. There that is my patheticness out in the open.

I'm lonely and I want the companionship.


Hyper Critical

I am so hyper critical of myself. I really am.

Is that all women can strive to be in a guys life, the prettiest girl in the room? The richest. I don't know I'm tired. Tired. Sooo tired.

I should stop stuggling to make sense of this and just accept that I don't have a place in guys lives.

I want to be important to somebody.

Errrhhh.

Ok, I did it for real. Told him not to contact me anymore. It's done. Can get on with being bored and lonely and respectable.

Ya know maybe respect if over-rated.