If I am not for Myself Who am I ?If I am only for myself What am I?

[Gabben]

Portia,

Thanks. I am so glad that you ordered the book, the author is a favorite of mine!

This morning I awoke with a reflection, among many, which was about the way that envy disguises itself in us adults as opposed the raw emotion that we see in children say at a birthday when you can just see the cold glare or tears of frustration of other little girls at the loss of it not being their own birthday, even going so far as to grab the presents and try to take!

Adults hide their envy in compliments we even go so far as to give, lavishly, in order to cover up our own envy, to hide it from ourselves.

[Hopalong]

We have an actress in our community with whom I found myself spending an afternoon years ago.

As I drove home from her amazing place I felt a wave of envy.

I eventually realized that I WAS jealous, but not of her money or land or things or fame.

I was (and remain) envious of the FREEDOM her money has bought her, to pursue creative things she loves...rather than try to cram them in around a meaningless and draining job.

My first bf's family were multimillionaires, and his brother wound up a suicide.

So I did learn early that money doesn't buy happiness.

But it does buy the ability to structure your own time, and that I envy!

Cain't hep it.

Hops

[Ami]

I think before you can appreciate money, time, other people or anything, you must have good mental and emotional health. I think that is the ability to see things as they are.When your FOO makes you see things skewed, you are not living life as it IS.
 You are living in your own head of distortions.
 I ,slowly, am getting my mental and emotional health back.
 Last night, if I didn't have my Enlightened Witness, I could not have gotten out of the 'BAD".
 I was stuck in "I am bad ". He showed me that I was trying to be perfect and that was why I was stuck. I saw it and I  became unstuck, almost as if you pull s/thing off when it is glued.
 I became unfrozen . I think the fairy tales are metaphors of this.
 It is scary to me how stuck I get and how I can't get out myself but that is how  it is ,now. I have to trust that God did not bring me this far to drop me. I know inside He didn't.
 The other day, my guitar teacher said he was sitting across the room from my guitar and it played by itself. He( a born again Christian as I am) told me that he thinks Scott's( my son who died) spirit is in the house.
 I have felt so happy since then, free in a new way.
 So, there are many things outside the dimensions on earth.                         Ami

[Portia]

Gabben
Just been musing about any birthday parties I went to as a child. I can only remember one, and I was bemused at the games, particularly ‘pass the parcel’. I just didn’t get it. I don’t doubt that raw envy shows in children. Particularly of siblings? I’m looking forward to the book.

Adults hide their envy in compliments – so that’s why many compliments make me so uncomfortable.

And I get very uncomfortable when people constantly put themselves down, in comparison to me. Someone did it the other day, in my house. And I say: you’re not seeing it clearly, you have all this, and just because I do that, you think that’s special? (I don’t say it like that.) But you end up in a putting- myself-down competition. Ridiculous. I just give up sometimes. Let them have their envy. Not my problem, kind of thing. Throw up my hands.

Hops, yes, I envy more freedom than I have. So I count my blessings. And I think: does anyone have that extra freedom and they are x% ‘happier’ than me? I don’t know. I’m just me. I like swimming in the sea. If I want to do that more, it’s a trade-off against earning the money to be able to do that. Or losing some of my current ‘comforts’ to go swimming, without any money. Etc.

[Gabben]

And I get very uncomfortable when people constantly put themselves down, in comparison to me. Someone did it the other day, in my house. And I say: you’re not seeing it clearly, you have all this, and just because I do that, you think that’s special? (I don’t say it like that.) But you end up in a putting- myself-down competition. Ridiculous. I just give up sometimes. Let them have their envy. Not my problem, kind of thing. Throw up my hands.

Portia, thanks for your insights, interesting.

I learned that to be enved hurts us, really, therefore we intuitively feel threatend and worried when others envy us, they will not treat us warmly or receptively or kindly or they make nasty underhanded put downs or they exploit you, or they shut you out, but most importantly they treat you like you are an object.

When you read the first chapter of the book you will know better exactly what I am talking about.

Lise

[Portia]

thanks Lise

[Meh]

I'm thinking about this and to me, jealousy has different faces.
In certain cases I think jealousy and envy are a less mature version of admiration.
I know people that have qualities that I don't have, I can see the beauty in that, I admire them and not hate them for it.
I rather be friends with them that way I can enjoy the quality.

If someone is a dancer, then I can go to a dance performance and just take it in. If I hated the person I wouldn't get invited!


Then there are other types of jealousy like jealousy of relationships.

[Meh]

I like that! "Guitar that plays by itself."  Rock on!

[Meh]

Re: Hops

I totally agree with you Hops about envy over opportunity to pursue creative things and manage one's own time !

[Ami]

I am so grateful for all the people who wrote on this thread. I woke up and could see life more clearly. I HAVE to be for myself. That is the natural order of things. How would an animal  be if it could not defend itself?
 We are animals but also have a "human" part, of course.However the animal(primal) part can't be ignored w/out awful consequences in the world.
 My NM programmed me to turn against my feelings . She made me afraid of them b/c they were "bad", as I always say. Hence. I was left in the world with one"speed"--nice and disarmed.
 You can imagine how far that got me.
  That is the side of the equation which needs help. Is it bad to be "for yourself", respect yourself, honor your feelings, needs, desires, if you are not hurting others. If you first fill your own holes, is that bad? My NM programmed me so well with that one it is a wonder I have gotten this far.         Ami

[Portia]

Gabben,

the book arrived today (!). It looks fascinating. Thank you again for the recommendation.