If I am not for Myself Who am I ?If I am only for myself What am I?

[Ami]

This quote summarizes where I am now.
I have taken a little steps away from my NM and BOY was I enmeshed . My very cells were entwined with hers. My breath, heart ,soul etc were enmeshed as if she and I were one--horrible, psychic twins.
 By forcing myself out of isolation and having a person to come to when I come falling down, I have started to break some distortions.
 Today, I saw the enmeshment for the first time, with my heart and gut.
  I have not been for myself. I have been for HER, always having to be first and foremost for her.
 I was some inconsequntial thing that had to be fed and watered so I could go forth and be for her, again.      Ami

[Ami]

The WORST thing I could do was try to develop an identity. As I look back, I see the pattern of when I wanted to have some sort of my own identity, she raged, humiliated, decimated or something to pull me back from ever thinking I could have a confident self I could trust.
 It is good when the crazy pieces of the puzzle start to make sense.    Ami

[Ami]

I have always been attracted to that quote b/c it seemed to be the essence of mental health. If I am FOR myself i.e honor , respect, love and protect myself (be my best friend), I will be healthy but that is only one part of life. The other part is investing myself in other people.
 That seems to be a prescription for a emotionally healthy life.
 Neither side can be too unbalanced. *I* was too much in the giving myself for others b/c I thought I was "bad" i.e selfish to have an identity so I was unbalanced on that side.
    Ami

[Portia]

Yes (((((Ami)))))

[Meh]

Again, very insightful Ami! Good Job!

[Meh]

Again, very insightful Ami! Good Job!

Ami, do you ever make a point of going out and doing things that make you happy just for you? Following your interests and hobbies. In the past when I took classes about something I wanted to learn about or consciously made myself do things like that I was working on building my own identity I think. It's a way of saying I'm doing something and it is all mine!
Such as taking dance classes or stone carving or what ever....

What do you like to do? What have you always wanted to try doing?
What do you envy?
I guess when we find real passion, real joy, real pleasure in an activity, that it is an inroad to our true self.
There is also that saying about how living well is the best revenge.

[Ami]

(((Portia))))))      (((((Helen))))  Thank you for that support. It felt so good!      Ami

[Ami]

Dear Helen
 It was so sweet of you to ask. For so long,I didn't feel that I deserved to be happy, to have joys , inspiration, beauty in my life. I think it really was punishing myself like my M had for not pleasing HER.
 I was afraid to love myself. I was afraid to break away from her program and feel good about myself, to shine in any way.
 God intervened for me , again as he did with the Enlightened Witness.
 He brought two people who changed my life.
 One , Maria, helped  make my house beautiful , find God again and become passionate about learning  Spanish. The other, Ray is teaching me guitar and piano.
 Ray has a great relationship with God and helps me so much with that.
 He is as good as Eric Clapton and he tells me that we can go out and play together when I am better. It is my  goal to  be able to play with s/one of his caliber .
 It is all God.
 I would not trade my horrible M if I could not have found God. It was worth it although it has hurt like crazy,as you know so well, Helen.
 Oh, envy. I envy woman with M's who care for them not the child having to care for the M. I envy woman who had  a FOO who would protect them if s/one hurt them.I envy people who did not have to sell their identity  in order to survive. I envy woman who developed more in a career than I did.
Those are my biggest envy's.
What are your answers  to these questions, Helen?          Ami

 
 

[Portia]

I envy people who feel/think their life has a purpose.
I envy people who look after and really feel their bodies. People who enjoy yoga etc.
I envy 'normal' people.
I feel pain sometimes around families.

[Ami]

I envy people who feel/think their life has a purpose.
I envy people who look after and really feel their bodies. People who enjoy yoga etc.
I envy 'normal' people.
I feel pain sometimes around families.

Helen asked such good questions ! I know what you mean about pain around familes, Portia.
I do all the body stuff but it does not make the emotions better.        Ami

[Meh]

In asking the question what do you envy in other people, I also mean like skills and abilities.

For instance, "I envy people who rockclimb", "I envy the old lady who swims in the lake every morning".
"I envy people who swim with stingrays and dolphins".

Stuff like that. I think that envy=a desire for something=passion=insight into your true self.
How does your being long to express aliveness?


Personally, I did teach myself how to rock climb, it is mine all mine, neither one of my parents rock-climbed ever.
When I rock climbed I really felt like I had my own world. I miss doing it.


Ami:
It sounds like your music is really for you and only you. Is it too late to develop your career?

[Ami]

Helen, you are so sweet. My teacher told me that when we get 10 songs together we will go play on the beach where people don't pay attention and then in the park and then in other places.
 He is a professional musician so I am so honored even to have him be willing to invest time in me.
 My greatest joy would be to play music for people.          Ami

[Meh]

I envy people who can make a plan/blueprint for their life and then manifest the plan into reality.
I envy people who can envision their future and can believe in it.

It's like I have this blueprint deep inside of me, I can convince myself that parts of my life have meaning, I can go through bouts of what seems like self-love, I can go jog, I can pretend that I'm dignified, I can pretend that I'm ok.
Underneath it all is a blueprint for a broken house.

[Ami]

Yes, I get the broken house, Helen. I always had it, too. The foundation is broken even though you can fix yourself up and look "good". My life has been trying to fix myself up from the outside and hope that the foundation would get fixed that way.It didn't work and that is why I gave up and stopped trying.
 You have to fix the foundation or the emptiness will never go, IME.
  Alice Miller waited a long time to find her Enlightened Witness which seems  surprising to me b/c she was an internationally known psychotherapist. You would think she would have had many people who could fill that role along the way but she didn't b/c that person has to fit in a unique way, I guess.
  It can be a male/female, old/young/therapist/layperson/educated/noneducated---someone who can walk next to you in your pain and let you experience it while they are next to you.
  She says great pain is too hard to bear alone and so you won't. If you don't feel the pain, you can't change. When you do, it breaks down the distortions(denial) and you can see life as it is.
 I guess it is like Hansel and Greytl (sp?). They tried to put breadcrumbs so they could find their way out of the forest. We went in to denial b/c of great pain. Denial is what makes us crazy. The denial (distortions) are our "weirdness" b/c we had to morph and think we and the world was a certain way in order to survive. So, we end up a misshapen, warped person.
 IF we can come out of denial, we can re-gain our right shape( emotionally healthy).
 The Enlightened Witness walks next to us as we come out of denial.
 That is how *I* understand what Alice Miller is saying and my experience, also.          Ami
     

[Meh]

Ok, Ami, I will get Alice Miller books ASAP.