Hi Helen,
Fear of intimacy is proably the biggest emotional problem there is, it is what a great many disorders, including NPD, and relationship difficulties are founded on - fear of not being loved and fear of being rejected, fear of not getting the love we need and fear of not being able or adequate to give the love others need, so that we can be loved.
To be loved just feels really wonderful....actually, love is, as I once heard, like the wind on a sail that makes it move. Love is a blessing on our spirits that sends a strong signal to our hearts that we are wanted. If we are not loved then we are stifled in are ability to move, or sail, through life. We need love like we need air.
So, if our emotions as babies, such as crying/tears/grief/expression for a need we had, such as the need to be picked up and cuddled, a need that a baby cannot identify as a need and instead identifies themselves as the need to be picked up and held, were not approved of by our parents/caregivers then babies instinctively shut down the need and the emotions with the need because we instinctively know the primary need we have is to be loved by our parents; if the caregivers go away because of our crying we sense a real threat, a real life killing threat. We instinctively know that we can survive without our emotions, but we also know that we will DIE without our caregivers, therefore, I, as a baby sold my soul, my emotions out in order to get a little food, N supply, or anything to just keep me alive and not abandoned.
The tragedy for me was that I WAS abandoned as a bay and child, repeatedly, which set me up in life for deep anxiety disorder in relationships.
I spent a great deal of my life running away, I think that I am more of an abandoner, one of my favorite things in life, just love them and run.
Explained another way:
So much gets tied into emotions. There are many emotions, facial expressions, needs. Basically babies are a bundle of constant needs. If the caregiver cannot respond to those needs then the child may squish their own needs just to assure primal security of not being abandoned in their psychical needs.
Guess what...the vast majority of the human race cannot love, most people live in fear. Most people confuse love for admiration or success. Most people are terrified of losing face in this world. Most people have lies they carry that they tell themselves such as they are not worth much, they are hopeless, they are inadequate in someway, therefore, if you carry these lies, then you carry the fear of intimacy that goes with the lies. Lies generate fear.
