Author Topic: Fear of intimacy  (Read 4687 times)

sKePTiKal

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Re: Fear of intimacy
« Reply #15 on: August 21, 2009, 09:35:52 AM »
Portia:
I mean staying in my own emotions... while interacting with others. Permitting myself to feel and be emotional - and naturally, to express that too. Ordinarily, I distance my emotions in favor of sitting in my observing self, watching, listening, gauging others... and leaning toward intellectual processes and "presentation" to achieve mutual understanding.... instead of just being & feeling... (s'pose this was a survival skill in my FOO...)

I suppose we shift from one place to the other within ourselves, depending on the situation, unnoticed, a lot. Recently, I've become aware of this tendency in me because it's changing - and I think that's a good thing. Of course, this is a sort of a residual personality side effect, from emotional abuse and there is still a lot of fear attached to being in that emotional place, for me. Especially when I'm feeling the stronger emotions of anger, deep grief, or love. More and more, though, I'm seeing that I can be "there" without anything "bad" happening... there really isn't anything to be afraid of - other people DO understand.

Yes, people still try to tone down my intensity and encourage me through my awkwardness as I try out this ability - since I've not had a lot of practice! But no one's denying me the right to be emotional or making fun of me... or saying I'm "crazy" for being so intense about things. I'm still sorting out why other people were allowed to feel things; be emotional... but I wasn't. It just makes absolutely no sense... I can't find the context for this... unless it was simply that other people's feelings in my FOO mattered more than mine.. or they felt one thing, while I felt something else - and they imagined that this was challenging them or being bad... or crazy. I guess I wasn't allowed to have emotional needs... they were just magically going to be met by the universe... or I was just letting my imagination run away with me, to expect safety, protection, love, happiness, encouragement and validation from my parents. It certainly wasn't on their agenda.

But then, too - I was told what to feel; any deviance from that was disobediance or worse - a character flaw, insanity. That "party line" was paranoid, clinically depressed, powerless and full of learned helplessness. When I felt something else - hope, excitement, happiness, anticipation, and the ability to achieve a goal... don't ya know, that was just crazy? And I had to "stop it" and not be so egotistical, getting a "big head" - because it "hurt" my mother... because, I guess, she couldn't feel those things and that meant that they weren't "real".

OK, I'm rambling... but essentially, it's not been safe for me to feel my emotions... to be an emotional person in situations with others - and I learned to even keep my feelings at arm's length from myself via smoking. That, thankfully, is changing as a result of these years of work, now - finally. Yes, it's a little scary at times but I'm plowing right ahead anyway... and it FEELS good; much better than the alternatives. More alive.

And it isn't mutually exclusive to being tuned in to other's feelings - that still happens at the same time - sort of like when you get two radio stations overlapping because of geographics and atmospheric conditions. When I can allow myself to do this, I'm just more "there"... not simply a talking head... in my own experience.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Ami

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Re: Fear of intimacy
« Reply #16 on: August 21, 2009, 10:00:35 AM »
Dear Amber
 I was trying to tell you this dynamic in our last Board interaction.  When I was emotional, you would try to shut ME down with advice that was for "my own good" but really it was for YOU not to feel out of control with someone else emotions.That is what your FOO did to you and you were repeating it.
 Do you see what I mean, now?       Ami
 
« Last Edit: August 21, 2009, 10:06:12 AM by Ami »
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Portia

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Re: Fear of intimacy
« Reply #17 on: August 21, 2009, 10:14:01 AM »
Amber, lots in there, I need to re-read again. Resound-ings...

Ami, I'm sure I've done the same thing to other members, long time ago (I was trying to shut them down because their emotions were too huge for me). Wow.

Ami

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Re: Fear of intimacy
« Reply #18 on: August 21, 2009, 10:21:34 AM »
We ALL replay FOO patterns our whole lives. That is probably the root of our biggest problems. When a relationship is stuck, it is probably FOO patterns interplaying with the 2 people.
           Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Portia

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Re: Fear of intimacy
« Reply #19 on: August 21, 2009, 10:28:35 AM »
I'm reminded of the pictures in the Bradshaw book, people with two other people inside them. It's a wonder we don't have more problems, in some ways. It's amazing that people can communicate to the extent that they do.

sKePTiKal

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Re: Fear of intimacy
« Reply #20 on: August 21, 2009, 11:39:53 AM »
Sorry Ami, I really don't know what you're referring to... yes, I'm aware of my "fixing things" for others and do my best to restrain myself!... but I really don't recall anything coming up between us. It has been a busy couple of weeks for me.

What I'm describing isn't something that happens between me and others; it's between me and me.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Ami

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Re: Fear of intimacy
« Reply #21 on: August 21, 2009, 01:15:57 PM »
It was when you realized you were trying to fix your M's emotions through me. Anyway, if you don't remember---no problem.    Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

sKePTiKal

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Re: Fear of intimacy
« Reply #22 on: August 21, 2009, 01:50:22 PM »
Gosh, I'm really sorry... but I don't ever recall doing this. Not saying that isn't what you perceived... just that I'm not aware of ever doing this - consciously or unconsciously.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Ami

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Re: Fear of intimacy
« Reply #23 on: August 21, 2009, 01:51:37 PM »
Thank you, Amber.                                Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Meh

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Re: LUPITA
« Reply #24 on: August 21, 2009, 02:16:47 PM »
Helen, what do you call fear of intimacy?

I have been accused by my friend W that I have fear of intimacy. I do not want him in my house too much, I do not want anybody in my house too much, I do not want to share my toys with anybody, my things in general. Is that it? I do not want to take care of anybody. Is that it?


One day we went to the movies and I did not want him to drink from my drink. I do not want to share drinks with anybody. Is that it?




Hello, Lupita,

Thank you for sharing.

When I posted this question I did not define intimacy, it is meant to be an open question for others to describe what they wish about their own versions of "fear of intimacy". I imagine that each person may have a slightly different version of it.

Re: Your desire not to share your things or space, I personally can't tell you if that is a fear of intimacy or not, I think you have to get to the root of your own emotions that are behind a behavior to know for sure. So I can't say if  "That is It". Maybe there are other reasons you do not wish to share your things and space?

 


Meh

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Phoenix Rising
« Reply #25 on: August 21, 2009, 03:11:12 PM »
Phoenix,

What an interesting response, yes, I have noticed the difference in the "being and feeling state" and the "thinking, observing state".

Thank you for pointing this out.

I wonder if these two states are mutually exclusive and if so, why?
Is the being/feeling state a requirement for intimacy to occur?


I, personally had a very rare moment with my mother once, really only 1 single time, where I must have been in the being/feeling state that you describe. I sort of teased her and we both started laughing and then while we were laughing we both started crying a little, (tears came out of our eyes). I think it must have been one small, isolated, authentic moment between us that happened years ago.  


Also, the comment about feelings, our feelings, other people's feelings and what do we notice more, our own or others?
As kids we were probably taught to ignore our own feelings and pay attention to everyone else's feelings.
Then maybe we can hold our own feelings and other people's in our awareness simultaneously and if we are clear we can choose what to engage or not engage in. It becomes a choice rather then a powerless pull into the other's space?

Hum, the task of not losing track of our own feelings/emotions in the presence of another's feelings/emotions.

Isn't this called individuation?


« Last Edit: August 21, 2009, 03:22:02 PM by Helen »

sKePTiKal

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Re: Fear of intimacy
« Reply #26 on: August 21, 2009, 03:41:56 PM »
Helen, I don't think feeling/thinking states are mutually exclusive... it's sort of a blend, all the time... until recently, tho - I was more aware of thinking than feeling; now there seems to be a more equal balance. And there is, I believe, a non-verbal reasoning process in our emotional selves. The example you gave is exactly what I'm trying to describe... about intimacy...

and you're spot on about individuation, too. My mother so intruded into my psyche - denied me any boundaries about my SELF - for a time, that I never quite finished that process. I got stuck in the conflict between what I knew was just ME and what my mother insisted I was... and told me I should be. Took some time for me to realize she was wrong, you know? That most of what she told me I was & should be... were her projections of herself and not really me, at all... and that, finally, it was safe to just be ME.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

rugrats5

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Re: Fear of intimacy
« Reply #27 on: September 10, 2009, 09:58:02 PM »
I have a fear of intimacy..both intimate..intimate...my husband would definetly agree with this. I do have a personal fear on intimacy. I can talk to somene who I really don't know and they are at a arms length..they are only given basic information, nothing too deep. I don't knwo you ladies, but am getting to know you but its different because of the subject I feel I can be honest and share. there is a difference. But if you met me on the street and you would think I was a different person, not mean, or dishonest, just people wouldnt know me personally. And if there was ever a chance to meet any of you..oh my..the anxiety that i would feel, because i can feel it just thinking about it, thinking, would i be good enough in person for you guys... But then like my therapist says it is like group, you meet some one and you might connect, you get ideas you like, you use the ideas you can use and the ideas you can't leave behind.

Portia

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Re: Fear of intimacy
« Reply #28 on: September 11, 2009, 08:34:19 AM »
rugrat, I reckon getting to know someone, just one person, really well, is probably a lifetime's job.
We're all human, we all show different parts of ourselves to different people. Nobody is judging whether you are 'good enough'. You're alive, therefore you are 'good enough'!

PR, i found this interesting:
I'm still sorting out why other people were allowed to feel things; be emotional...
I just thought about that for a while and realised the emotion I saw most of was anger (irritation anger, shouting anger, disapproving quiet anger). When did I see other FOO members show love, happiness, joy, envy, jealousy, despair, sadness..........I didn't.

People in my main family appeared not to have emotions, other than anger. I witnessed a lot of flat-lining as a child: no emotions at all. I guess everyone was an object to everyone else? I can picture that, see the scene. Show any emotion and you might stop being an object, upset the status quo. Sad isn't it?

Ami

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Re: Fear of intimacy
« Reply #29 on: September 11, 2009, 08:50:58 AM »
rugrat, I reckon getting to know someone, just one person, really well, is probably a lifetime's job.
We're all human, we all show different parts of ourselves to different people. Nobody is judging whether you are 'good enough'. You're alive, therefore you are 'good enough'!

PR, i found this interesting:
I'm still sorting out why other people were allowed to feel things; be emotional...
I just thought about that for a while and realised the emotion I saw most of was anger (irritation anger, shouting anger, disapproving quiet anger). When did I see other FOO members show love, happiness, joy, envy, jealousy, despair, sadness..........I didn't.

People in my main family appeared not to have emotions, other than anger. I witnessed a lot of flat-lining as a child: no emotions at all. I guess everyone was an object to everyone else? I can picture that, see the scene. Show any emotion and you might stop being an object, upset the status quo. Sad isn't it?

I think you have come a long way from your family, Portia!                              xxxooo     Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung