I just wanted to stick in a little point here ... you refer to the way you were raised as you being "spoilt." Well, maybe your mom and grandparents called it that but the truth is, wrapping a child and especially a boy in cotton-wool is not spoiling, it is denying them control and agency over their own lives. I say especially a boy because whether or not it should be, boys are expected to be capable and "tough" and if they are treated as if they are incapable and incompetent, they cannot gain status in the world of their peers. I am an only child, and I can relate to not having any peers within the family to relate to. Usually this happens because the parent is scared of everything and thinks that maintaining total control over their child will keep the child from harm. Underneath, the parent just wants to control. They keep their own anxiety at bay by that rigid control.
My own faith has helped me overcome the fear that used to drive my acting like a Helicopter Mom. Some things happened right under my nose that made me wake up to the fact that I cannot keep all bad stuff from happening to my kids. And in the process of trying to keep them from having ANY bad experiences or sadness, I was depriving them of their own sense of agency and control over their own lives. I decided to take the reasonable precautions that most parents would take, and to trust God with the rest.
I sure do hope that you are getting the care (health AND mental health) that you need to get through this. I don't think pills are the total answer, but if your therapist and your MD think its appropriate for your case, they have the potential for making you feel a lot better, a lot quicker, and then you get the energy to work on the underlying problem. How much do you know about depression? Depressed people are quite often irritable because when you're depressed you feel like you have no resources for coping with life, and it really ticks you off when people make demands on you. Please keep going to your therapist, OR seek a new one if the current relationship is not working out. And I hope that you also will let a physician care for the physical side so that you can start feeling better from several angles.
I've been depressed, I have had to become very self-aware, and the depression itself causes you to turn in on yourself and second-guess yourself more than you would normally.
That really really nails it. I have so many memories of them watching over me, making sure I didn't mess up. My grandmother's 'children are to be seen and not heard' surely affected her children which filters down to me. Every time I would stop for a few seconds just to figure something out, there would be one of them pushing, prodding, or just grabbing it to do it themselves. They didn't say anything real mean or call me names, they just wouldn't, or couldn't have the patience and self-awareness to let me grow. My grandfather was the worst. Just last week, he hovered over me as I was changing weed-eater string. It was all I could do not to bite his head off, I mean c'mon now.
My wife and really struggle with working together on this because I probably go too far in making our children do it themselves. Then they start crying and moaning till she steps in.
I know I have what the pro's call Narcissistic Personality Disorder that presents itself with obsessive-compulsive behaviour and self-focus. It would be a miracle if I was any other way. It just blows my mind that human's can treat their children that way. Its generational so I can't rationally blame any one person (who knows what stupid things my grandparents did to my parents, and so on back to whenever)
In conversation, I have this very deep psychological NEED for attention and to control things. Its worked decent enough since I'm 6'1" and handsome enough but its very tiresome. Often I just won't hear the person because I'm so busy daydreaming or formulating what I'm going to say. You can imagine how frustrating this can be for all involved. I just find it so difficult to follow a normal face-to-face conversation thread, seeing the other person without 'sucking up' for attention.
I'm going to stay in therapy as long as I can and try to get on some kind of disability to help with the family bills. Running away is always in the back of my mind but so far the well-being of my children and making it right with my wife are keeping me going.
God, reading over this makes me sound like a pitiful little kid but thats just exactly how i feel.
If anyone has any advice on what type of medications/therapy are effective in this situation I would greatly appreciate any advice. Is disability even an option for personality disorders?
