Adult Sons

[HeartofPilgrimage]

Is Emily still out there somewhere? I read her posts from back in 2004, and then I read parts of them to my husband ... we were both floored because even though those posts were from 5 years ago, she was describing our oldest son --- today, now. I have thought he suffered from depression since his junior high days; he did finally admit while he was at college that he had a problem, and got on antidepressants for awhile, and seemed better.

Our whole family seems to have dysregulated self-esteem (although I hate the word self-esteem, it is used so often in a cheesy way). Part of the family seems to have an overinflated sense of self and the other half doesn't value themselves enough, and we all fit together like locks and keys. In a painful yucky way. I have no idea where this particular son falls. Sometimes he seems arrogant and sometimes you see through that arrogance to a person who is trying desperately to fake it. But he's 21 and somewhere somebody said that we must give our children a sense of agency --- so I am trying sooo hard to give him adequate space while "keeping the light on for him" if you know what I mean. Being a person of extremes myself, finding balance is not the easiest thing I try to do every day.

I am curious about Emily's situation ---- if it has resolved and how, and how she finds her situation five years later. However, if Emily is well and truly gone, are there others who recognize their own situation in what she and I have described? It is truly bewildering and frustrating. I've learned how to deal with the Ns (well, OK, that is never a completed process, but I'm learning) but this weird mix of arrogance and depressive states I am totally at a loss to understand.

By the way, both my husband and I function normally. My husband has probably more self-confidence than most people, and I probably have a bit less, but for the most part we fall within the normal range. How we managed that, I don't know, except we found each other young and parented each other a lot of the way through --- both of his parents and one of mine are Ns.

[Portia]

HeartofPilgrimage

I'm interested in your post, particularly these points:
you see through that arrogance to a person who is trying desperately to fake it
weird mix of arrogance and depressive states

I'd also be interested in the sense of agency, plus anyone dealing with addiction, M enmeshment. Is it about someone reaching their own rock bottom before they want to help themselves?

[HeartofPilgrimage]

Portia,

I know that in my time, I have trouble with boundaries. I grew up without emotional boundaries between myself and my parents, though thank goodness other types of boundaries such as sexual propriety were in place. My husband said that sometimes I "put up a wall" when I am crossed. I am trying to learn to construct permeable boundaries, where the appropriate people at the appropriate time can get through but there is a distinct line between myself and others. That's hard to learn when you didn't get it at the appropriate developmental stage. I think my son is putting up walls. I don't think he is a narcissist, although some of his traits seem narcissistic. I think that I hovered over him when he was little because that was the only way I knew how to parent. My own parents also had more time and contact with him than any of our other kids.

I think that sometimes I have had conflicts of having a very strong will, but also having strong self-doubts. When that happens, I get very very defensive. I feel in my heart that I am right (about whatever the situation is) but those self doubts keep eating away at me. And when that happens I can't handle anybody else's comments, certainly not their criticism. I feel that that is what is happening with my son, and that we need to "reset" our relationship (both my husband and I) with him by giving him an "off" period. I don't mean NC, I just mean leaving him alone til he wants to enter into a mature relationship with us.

But then sometimes I second guess my own decisions, and wonder, but what if I am misreading the situation and he really needs us to intervene?

[Ami]

Dear (((Heart)))
 TRUST your gut. Alice Miller says the way back from a dysfunctional FOO is trusting your gut. Our guts were NEVER bad. We were just told they were by our N parents who wanted to control us(or societal messages etc)
 If you can hook up with your gut, you will know what to do.
 It helps to have at least one person if your life who has good sense and sanity to run your ideas by, too.                xxooo Ami