How Do You Deal with a Compulsive Liar?

[bean j]

hi, I'm back on the board due to multiple reasons, but the main thing I'm worried about lately is dealing with a compulsive liar.  If I had more time I could go into the details, but I really don't.

Any strategies that work and what would you do if a child was involved and the liar is the biological mother who is requesting visitation after 1 year.

thanks and hugs to all,
bean

[Ami]

Hi ((((Beansie))))))
 Welcome Back! I think I would need more information in order to give an answer that had s/thing to offer. The question seems  too wide open.That is my feeling , anyway.         xxxooooo  Ami

[teartracks]

Hi bean,

If plan A is to change them into a truthful person, chuck the plan.  Go to plans B. through Z!

tt

[lighter]

That depends on the age of the child.


Unfortunately, telling the child the truth can do as much damage as the liar does with lies.


Whatever you do, make sure you keep the material age appropriate.


Calling mama a liar is X rated material for a 6yo, KWIM?


Mo2
 

[Portia]

My own question: is it ok to tell the wife of a 34yr old step-son-out-of-law that her MIL is a "cow" based on informatioin from the wife herself? Oh i think so. Especially when the convo is only between me and her.

[lighter]

Portia: 

Why yes.... I do think you could have that conversation with another adult.

What do you think the consequences would be, in this case?



Ami:  Please don't refer to me or my posts in the future. 

To be clear, I've forwarded this post to Dr. G.

Thanks

[Gabben]

Hi Bean,

Can't answer your question but I just wanted to say hi and that I was delighted to see you back here!

Lise

[Ami]

I will not refer to or mention MO2 in any posts. I am sorry you were bothered, Dr G.                   Ami

[Portia]

Thanks Mo2. Already happened. I did it simply to validate her (the wife's) reality. Some things, even when quoted to you second-hand, are simply not acceptable behaviour. And ok I think to myself, would this person have exaggerated? But some things, you simply know are true, and you have to state your opinion. Someone has to tell the truth, when that truth is helpful to the one asking/telling. Consequences: wife feels understood, hopefully (SSOOLaw probably agrees with me); if the MIL somehow found out, good, she might want to explain her words, which were frankly spiteful, demeaning, and incredibly illogical. It's the illogic that says most to me.

Bean:
the mother is requesting visitation after a year? - I'd get her to go through the courts and let them decide. I wouldn't do anything 'casual' with a compulsive liar simply because you cannot trust them with anything. I'd make it legal.

[Sela]

One way I respond to lies is by saying:

"Oh really?", with raised eyebrows.  (sometimes repeatedly).

It indicates I don't believe what is being said.

Welcome back Bean!!

Sela

[teartracks]

Bean,

Calling mama a liar is X rated material for a 6yo, KWIM?
Mo2

I agree on this.

tt

[bean j]

Of course I'm not going to tell the 5 year old that her bio-Mom is a liar (duh!).  I may be a new stepmom, but I'm not that dense.  

People, think hard.  When was the last time you had to deal with a compulsive liar, and how did you "handle them."  In my experience its a lot like herding cats.  You never know when you're successful or not.  They have all the power in the relationship.

love to all,
bean

[lighter]

I don't think it's a matter of finding success.....

more a matter of damage control.

Hopefully, bio mom will get bored playing mom, and leave you in peace.

Mo2

[Ami]

How are you doing (((Beansie))))?                             xxoo  Ami

[teartracks]

Hi bean,

From what I've read, the driving force behind compulsive lying is fear.  The fear can be based on an event from the distant past (nothing to do with you personally) up to the present.   If I were in your shoes, I might make an attempt at challenging the lie, but I would hope I'd do it in a kind way.  I mean, if the person is overflowing with fear, from whatever source, how can you justify treating them unkindly?  I'm not saying you have unkindness in mind...I'm just relating.

If the person is a pathological liar, a far more serious  'spin' must be applied.  At least that's what I've gathered from what I've read.

In either case I personally would be in over my head.  Been there done that.  How I perceived it or what I said made no difference.

Are you newly married?  With a little stepdaughter?  I think that is wonderful.   

Faced with what you've described so far, I think I'd dedicate my time and effort to being the best stepmom in town and let someone else take on the liar. 

Just my thoughts...

tt