My Rules For Living

[Ami]

(((((Sealynx))))) Thank you!                   Ami

[Ami]

The big thing I always told myself was that I had no one. Then, I started thinking of my GM. My Aunt loved her and my Aunt is very decent, unlike my NM, her sister.
 My GM was a loved person but she died alone, in bed .
 I am loved as an N loves, but that is NOT love.
 I see that by how my friend loves me. He sees me.
       

[Ami]

I am starting to be able to put the past in the past. The hopeless feelings are from the past. My lack of self worth is from the past. My sucking up to people is from past  of having to please my M .
 My not being able to have needs or wants is from the past. My not being able to shine is from the past.My not being able to have a solid self is from the past.
 As I feel the hopeless feelings, they show me the way out of the distortions.
 

[Ami]

Dr G ,is his essays, says the child of an N is either a compliant type or" bite your head off" type. The worst thing my M did was take away my toughness.
 Emotional health is balance--not too tough, not too gentle.
 You have to have the capacity for both.

[Gabben]

Dr G ,is his essays, says the child of an N is either a compliant type or" bite your head off" type. The worst thing my M did was take away my toughness.
 Emotional health is balance--not too tough, not too gentle.
 You have to have the capacity for both.

Ami - My mind and heart is quiet these days, not much to share or write, but I am following and reading. Your voice and healing is being heard.

Lise

[Ami]

Thank you, (((Lise)))) for being so genuinely caring and concerned for others.
 I am doing better but it is so SLOW             xxoo   Ami

[Meh]

 My not being able to shine is from the past.

Ami, You already are a glimmering star in the dark expanse of emotional night. A bright and hopeful twinkle coming to life in the midst of darkness.   

[Ami]

 My not being able to shine is from the past.

Ami, You already are a glimmering star in the dark expanse of emotional night. A bright and hopeful twinkle coming to life in the midst of darkness.   

Thank You, (((Helen)))                                                           

[Ami]

Little by little, I am  thinking I am not  bad. I am having more memories with feelings. When I was 13, I remember thinking "IS my M ok  or is   this crazy?"
  I was contemplating with my "free' mind  not the imprisoned one I took on later.The imprisoned one is what I am trying to leave now.
  As I come out of denial, I see her face in more and more  detail, her smirk, her blank look, her dumb expression, her idiotic figuring out of things. THIS is the person to whom I gave my mind?
 My progress out of 'emotional illness" is slow and painful but it is moving.

[Ami]

This is my big question for today( and I am serious) Is it bad/wrong/ selfish/ egomaniacal /narcissitic to want a self of my own?
 It sounds crazy but I really, really have that question  deep inside.
 

[Ami]

I think I see "splitting" with my heart. I am noticing people in denial. I see s/one who is so mean saying 'HOW could those people be mean?"
What is happening with that? It has to be a splitting  of the bad parts vs good parts.
 Then there are people, and I was one who was on 'super nice" most of the time. THAT was a splitting , too. I was  not owning the other parts(selfish, childish. immature, having needs etc) .
 That was not  more real than the first person. What is healthy? Probably owning all your parts and having an adult part which monitors your actions.By 'owning" I mean NOT throwing guilt and shame on yourself when you come in contact with those parts.
 This is my thinking at the moment. Any comments would be appreciated!