Where to go from here?

[barefootwriter]

I have been no-contact with my father for months now. He threatened to have the police do a welfare check on me, and eventually followed through. I asked the constable to please tell him I did not want to be contacted.

I just got a very brief e-mail from him telling me that he and my mother love and care about me, and if I ever feel likewise, they are available. Of course we all know what the subtext says -- you don't love us, you don't care, and therefore you are a bad/crazy person.

I know I can't possibly have a relationship with him as things stand. When I was going through a counselling skills program, he laughed at my career choice and told me I lacked empathy. I'm now a psych undergrad, and I can't on the one had pursue that and on the other hand have that voice yammering in my ear.

The question is, where do I go from here?

These are the options I've considered:
a) quietly blocking his e-mail and all other forms of contact.
b) giving him the choice of going to counselling or having his e-mail and all other forms of contact blocked.
c) just letting him e-mail me every 2 or 3 months and ignoring him.
d) getting a peace order against him.

I feel powerless to get him to leave me alone and let me live my life in peace and happiness. He says he would not show up at my door, but, pushed far enough, I wouldn't put it past him (we do live in different countries, thank god).

I am also concerned because I speak openly on the Internet, and he could find me easily enough and wreak havoc that way. I want to blog more openly, and yet a part of me is very much on guard against him. I am also concerned that, down the road, when I am a professional, he will once again rear his ugly head and attempt to defame me.

I know intellectually everything he says is bullshit, but that doesn't prevent me from getting emotionally tangled up.

What I don't want is for any of this to keep me from doing what I want to do and living my life. I'm just concerned about the potential consequences. I've got enough courage to go back to school and pursue a career that is obviously threatening to him, and I'm not going to turn back, but I'm still scared.

How can I be authentic and appropriately vulnerable without getting shredded?

Help! And thanks in advance.

[Izzy_*now*]

hi barefoot,

In my experience, opinion, to block email in Outlook Express just sends it to the Delete Folder, BUT has still been received by you! He won't even know he is blocked unless you tell him, and if you do he will know you can still go to the delete folder to read it. If you are serious--
---Do you really want his email to bounce back? Then change you primary email address with your IP.

You can unlist your number, but more to the point (why should you pay more?) just don't answer HIS calls. Let them go to voice mail and delete. I have the default male answer my m/c. I tell certain people that I pay for my phone for MY use, not theirs!

He threatened to have the police do a welfare check on me""

Will this be bad for you?

Good Luck
Izzy

[barefootwriter]

Izzy,

We host our own e-mail, so yes, he would get the bounce from my primary e-mail addresses. We also have VOIP, so we have complete control over the phone line. All I have to do is say the word.

The police already called, and I asked the officer to please put it on record that I did not want any further welfare checks from my father, so I dont think he'll be able to pull the same stunt again.

It's just that ignoring and deleting still don't feel like enough.

[Twoapenny]

Hi Barefoot,

I've been in a similar situation with my mum.  The problem is, there isn't an awful lot you can do about his reactions to things either now and in the future.  If he does decide to find you through your blog and cause problems, there's no way you can stop that unless you stop blogging.  If he tries to wreck your professional career you can't prevent him from doing so unless you don't have one.  In my situation, I found not having any contact made me stronger and stopped the emotional entanglement that you mention.  It meant I could focus on doing what I wanted to do instead of constantly picking myself up from yet another 'mum' moment.  That in turn made me feel less afraid of what she might do.  She has bad mouthed me to a lot of people, some of whom stopped talking to me as a result.  My feeling is that these people only believed what she said because they didn't really know me - my real friends knew immediately there's no way I'd have done the things she was claiming I had, so it weeded out the real friends from the idiots.

With regards your future profession - you could give any future employer a heads up that your dad might contact them to cause problems.  I've done this repeatedly now and found it really helps; if you get your version of events in first and alert people to what might happen they tend to believe you over any future allegations that might be made.  You don't have to go into a lot of detail; I just say I've had problems with my mum making false accusations against me in the past, she may do so again, I appreciate they have procedures that they need to follow in these circumstances but just want them to be aware that it's happened before and I'm more than happy to provide them with any information they need etc etc - that's generally nipped things in the bud quickly.

I think a big part of the control here is the fear of what they might do.  I've found as I've got stronger the fear's diminished because I've realised there isn't a lot she can do to me that will do much other than be irritating now.  It's taken a long time but I'm getting there slowly.  Hope that helps a little.

[Ales2]

"I know intellectually everything he says is bullshit, but that doesn't prevent me from getting emotionally tangled up" 

WOW this is my problem as well.  Its an awkward situation because I can see where I try to intellectualize my problem to avoid the painful emotions that come up - I've done this throughout my life as a defense, unknowingly in dating and its wreaked havoc.  In other words, I've been thrown off balance, vulnerable where I should be defensive/strong (NM) and defensive where I should be vulnerable (dating relationships). Aside from awareness, is there anything else that can be done to overcome this?

[lighter]

Hi Barefoot:

I don't know what the best NC situation for you will be, but....

I'm glad you're not in the same Country as your F.

I wish you peace and freedom from the chemical dumps your F causes.

You deserve peace.

Mo2

[Ami]

"I know intellectually everything he says is bullshit, but that doesn't prevent me from getting emotionally tangled up" 

WOW this is my problem as well.  Its an awkward situation because I can see where I try to intellectualize my problem to avoid the painful emotions that come up - I've done this throughout my life as a defense, unknowingly in dating and its wreaked havoc.  In other words, I've been thrown off balance, vulnerable where I should be defensive/strong (NM) and defensive where I should be vulnerable (dating relationships). Aside from awareness, is there anything else that can be done to overcome this?

Dear Ales
 You sound so much like me in your having a gap between intellectual knowing and being able to make it real emotionally and in the practical world. Have you ever read Alice Miller?                             Warmly   Ami