Blackie/Whitie

[Ami]

Mother made all Whitie's normal feelings, sick.  That is what happened to Whitie.
Where does Whitie go from here? She essentially came out of a cult. She was lucky she did not commit suicide with clean white sneakers ,lined up in bunk beds, waiting for the Flying Saucer.


 

[Ami]

Whitie has been fighting something for a week, the flu, a cold, exhaustion.
Whitie feels she just came home from the Wars, battle weary , just wanting to lie in bed and listen to the radio. She wonders when and if her essential strength will ever come back: emotional and physical.

[Ami]

Vaknin says the N is fighting  the ABYSS of  psychosis.  Maybe it is  survival of the fittest .
 The N is like  a fish ; if you don't take the babies away, they eat them

[Ami]

Whitie is the angriest she has ever been. She was in a pychosis to let people treat her as they did.    Another girl is coming out and that is the F##k  it and F##k you girl.
 She needs a name but it is eluding me right now.
 

[Ami]

I think she will just be the F##k  it girl.
That is decided and now we go on.
The F##k  it girl says F##k it to "Am I BAD?": a stupid  question.
 Whitie did not kill anyone or try to intentionally hurt anyone. If people get hurt, Whitie does not have to be the nurse of the world.
 Whitie has to be responsible for her expression of herself and she can be angry.Whitie is not taking it anymore.
 It is not words, this time. Whitie means it .
 There is a new Whitie and she is not road kill.
  

[Ami]

 Abused people have to be PERFECT. They are never PERFECT , so they are BAD. Hence, they  believe they deserve abuse.
 That is  my working hypothesis.
 The N's know how to use sticks and the LV's know how to be abused so it is a match.
 
Whitie has been feeling about as hopeless as she has ever felt.
Alice Miller would say these are the feelings from childhood. I think that is right. Whitie had a hopeless situation with a sadistic mother. Y It hurts when it comes out.Whitie has to trust that there will be a day when these feelings have abated.Ray said,"You are going to Heaven .Scott is in Heaven. Everything is OK."
It is but Whitie has dreams for the earth ,too.
 


  

[Ami]

The F##k it  Girl made a wonderful discovery. Her emotions are OK. This is big. Helen, where are you, party time .
 Mother didn't want Whtie  to trust herself. What cult member is encouraged to have self confidence?  Independence is  empowering.
 The cult wants to take your power.

[Ami]

Yes, Whitie has emotions.Today, she felt furious anger at her H and did NOT let guilt come in and take it away. Religious guilt did not help either but Whitie knows that God wants her to have her feelings so she can be healthy.
Having M in her head made her almost psychotic.
God is love. People don't see that and know that but Whitie is starting to,now.
God does not want her to  reject her essential self as she has been.He loves her and wants her to know and love herself.
She has been PUNISHING herself for FEELING .
Does anyone understand this?

[Ami]

In Whitie's healthy days,  FEELINGS helped her navigate life.She did pretty well before she became a zombie. She took her FEELINGS as important information. Then, she decided actions.

[Ami]

People  are animals. Whitie includes herself,of course,first in line. Mother messed with her too badly for her to SEE.When you cannot SEE, road kill is coming.
If you are in a cult, you cannot SEE cuz you would have to do something like leave or call the police.Whitie always knew she would be abandoned if she ever told the TRUTH .

In time, the TRUTH was hidden from even herself ,so when she got away, it did no good.
 

[Ami]

Whitie thought big things had changed but she is still Whitie. She still feels badly about herself. Maybe, changes are small when you have been down as far as Whitie.
Whitie still feels a deep sense of worthlessness and inability to go forward in her own behalf.
 She thought things would magically change after her epiphanies but there was no earthquake like change.
 Whitie knows where she wants to get, emotionally. Maybe ,it is a pipe dream, maybe not.
 She feels tired and discouraged.

[Ami]

Whitie talked to her friend and feels better.
 Perhaps, her mother did not have  power over her own life just as Whitie didn't,in many ways.
 Mother may have been trying not to fall in to the Abyss. Mother had to be PERFECT.She hated kids who made her feel less than perfect.
 Kids were supposed to know how to take care of Mother ; they paid when they didn't.   Mother  terrorized kids  cuz she thought kids  terrorized her by not making her feel GOOD.
  All this was REAL to Mother.


Mother's face is getting  more real .It is important cuz Whitie(in her psychosis)thought Mother was wise.
Whitie listened to Mothers thoughts as if they were  important
 She flipped out of some normality in to Mother's craziness at 14.
 Now,she seems to be finding the way out.

[Portia]

She has been PUNISHING herself for FEELING .
Does anyone understand this?

Yes. Automatons don't feel! What are you doing, having feeelings? How dare you have feelings? Drama queen, that's what you are, for having feelings.

F**K that.

But what would you have done....to leave the cult....you can't live on the streets and survive at 14. Go elsewhere? Did there seem any point,to elsewhere, where would have been better - when you're already in the cult. (Forgive yourself at 14.)

Ami, when Whitie goes............if Whitie has to go..........is it gonna hurt, d'ya think? Or will she simply be gone, and it will be the absence that's noticable?

[Ami]

She has been PUNISHING herself for FEELING .
Does anyone understand this?

Yes. Automatons don't feel! What are you doing, having feeelings? How dare you have feelings? Drama queen, that's what you are, for having feelings.

F**K that.

But what would you have done....to leave the cult....you can't live on the streets and survive at 14. Go elsewhere? Did there seem any point,to elsewhere, where would have been better - when you're already in the cult. (Forgive yourself at 14.)

Ami, when Whitie goes............if Whitie has to go..........is it gonna hurt, d'ya think? Or will she simply be gone, and it will be the absence that's noticable?

I love your posts. Portia. Thank you !
 I think Whitie will stay but be different. She may be the one who says "Put on your mittens"           xxxxooo Ami

[Ami]

You are right, Portia.
I will think on Forgiveness,tonight.Poor Whitie ,at 14 ,with a psycho Mom.