Blackie/Whitie

[Ami]

 Is it selfish to be centered? Is it selfish to let experiences come in and take them just for you  like beauty, joy, fun, seeing good things, tasting good things, feeling good things?
 It seems ridiculous to ask but  Whitie had to keep blocking joy.  She thought she would kill Mother if she were alive, strong, confident
 Maybe, if Whitie saw that she  was GOOD  then she would have to face all that happened.
 Mother demanded allegiance to be part of the family
 Whitie   let people hurt her cuz being strong was GOOD.She could not be GOOD. She had to be BAD.
 

[Ami]

To be emotionally healthy, you have to face reality. Whitie knows this ;it is her breadcrumbs out of the forest. It is hard when you have been in a hole for a very long time.  The hole made the world fuzzy :edges were blurred.
  It is scary and hard to SEE.
Whitie feels she is BAD if she sees BAD things in others.

[Ami]

Whitie had a bad day which turned good. Her friend loves her even though she is getting a self. Usually, people demanded she not have a self so this is different.
 She can be whole and still loved. She could cry cuz it is beautiful !
 Everyone else wanted a piece of her but he wants her to be her and still loves her at the end. God is good. AMEN.

[Ami]

Everyone else seemed to want a piece of Whitie like she were taffy. Mother wanted to feel GOOD at Whitie's expense. Whitie had to be the BAD to Mother's GOOD.
If not, she would be banished from the family. Who could take that, tell me?

[Ami]

Whitie had to be BAD in order to survive. She was not respected by others cuz she was a wimp. It was true. She was a wimp. What could she do? She tried to survive.
 Let anyone else live with her M and see how well they would do? I doubt very well. I doubt it. Don't judge!

[Ami]

Don't judge until you have walked in Whitie's shoes"every day trudging, trudging, walking home , girding herself , what would she find, her mother was gross, gross, gross, be strong, you are not like she , you are not like she, say it, say it say it. Kids were supposed to be going to proms and playing spin the bottle. not holding on to their sanity.
 White did well. She did well. Do you hear me?

[Ami]

Whitie still has a little self left. It took everything to still have it. Do you know what it is like to hold on to your sanity with safety pins? Do you?
 

[Ami]

Whitie had a bad night:restless, stomach hurting. Is Whitie BAD cuz she wants to protect herself, not let herself be road kill? Is Whitie selfish  cuz she wants to even HAVE a self?
 Is this a crime? Is it BAD, BAD to put yourself first?
 How can life work if you are floating above your body and taking care of everyone else?
 It goes against logic.
 What creature in the animal kingdom abandons themselves?
 It makes no sense.
 How could life even work, not  being in your own body.
 You would be a monster like a Siamese twin.

[Ami]

 At 14, Whitie became a zombie . Zombies don't learn. They have their selves sucked out from inside them. SLURP
 Whitie wants to have a self, first off.
 Say Whitie is packing a suitcase. Her first thing is gonna be a self.
 
 

[Ami]

Whitie is very, very tired.She has a full life ,now. She`has someone to love and a few friends whom she`loves.She has a few hobbies which are passions. She has a wonderful son whom she loves.
 Everything is good except Whitie herself 

[Ami]

Whitie, herself, is still not right.  She feels like a jig saw puzzle ;the pieces may look right but when you get close, they don't fit together.
 She`had to believe distortions to survive and now they stick like velcro from Hell  like Super glue which  lasts for eternity.

[Ami]

 My H was an abusive jerk , today.  My M groomed me to be the wife`of an abusive jerk. I sat there while he`was screaming and thought,"This is what happens when you hate yourself."
 This is how you end up.

You end up with a guy who is gonna scream about what a selfish jerk you are when what you want to do is find a self after being abused for almost thirty years . This is what happens when you don't respect yourself.
  That is what happens as sure as you are breathing.

 
 

[Ami]

 When you hate yourself, your outside reflects your inside. Lord, I am glad I am yours`after this long road of pain, mother pain, husband pain, loss , death, hatred of self, lost, lost, lost.
 She wants to sleep with God 's peace tonight. It has been such a long road, not much warmth , comfort, go, go, go on, don't whine, don't complain, don't be a baby, no time to rest, sweet rest,   can't stop, no place , tired , tired, lonely,   will someone hold me for a minute, so tired, so tired.

[Gabben]

When you hate yourself, your outside reflects your inside. Lord, I am glad I am yours`after this long road of pain, mother pain, husband pain, loss , death, hatred of self, lost, lost, lost.
 She wants to sleep with God 's peace tonight. It has been such a long road, not much warmth , comfort, go, go, go on, don't whine, don't complain, don't be a baby, no time to rest, sweet rest,   can't stop, no place , tired , tired, lonely,   will someone hold me for a minute, so tired, so tired.

Oh Ami...I stopped following this thread a while ago, but then tonight I read this last post feeling as if could have written every word of it myself.

"will someone hold me for a minute, so tired, so tired."

This is exactly how I feel, tired and in need of a hug, even just a smile, even just a glance my way that tells me that someone cares. It hurts so much, the journey into the heart and out of this world, hopefully, into God's arms. I am missing God's peace tonight, wanting it and hoping He shows up to inspire me, comfort me and give me a good swift kick in the butt to get me going, again. I need a jump start and sometimes all we need is just to know that someone cares.

I care about you ((((Ami))).

Lise

[Ami]

When you hate yourself, your outside reflects your inside. Lord, I am glad I am yours`after this long road of pain, mother pain, husband pain, loss , death, hatred of self, lost, lost, lost.
 She wants to sleep with God 's peace tonight. It has been such a long road, not much warmth , comfort, go, go, go on, don't whine, don't complain, don't be a baby, no time to rest, sweet rest,   can't stop, no place , tired , tired, lonely,   will someone hold me for a minute, so tired, so tired.

Oh Ami...I stopped following this thread a while ago, but then tonight I read this last post feeling as if could have written every word of it myself.

"will someone hold me for a minute, so tired, so tired."

This is exactly how I feel, tired and in need of a hug, even just a smile, even just a glance my way that tells me that someone cares. It hurts so much, the journey into the heart and out of this world, hopefully, into God's arms. I am missing God's peace tonight, wanting it and hoping He shows up to inspire me, comfort me and give me a good swift kick in the butt to get me going, again. I need a jump start and sometimes all we need is just to know that someone cares.

I care about you ((((Ami))).

Lise

Thank you,(((Lise)))). Can't sleep but can feel God a little more ,now, so that is very good. I am thinking of you now and sending you thoughts of God's  peace.                                       xxxoo Ami