Blackie/Whitie

[Ami]

Having an N for a Mother is like having Satan  : smirking,blank, eyes  inhuman,your own mother. Does it get any worse?

Wherever you go Satan goes:  school, home,  activities , Satan is waiting for you in the car, when you get your period,  your first kiss, fights with friends, have no friends, have moral decisions, have simple decisions, don't know what to do.
You bargain with the devil . You will give him your mind if you can  THINK you have a mother who loves you.
 You pay for lying  but seeing the truth can be worse ; it depends.
 

[Ami]

This is Whitie.

[seasons]

Hi (Ami),

I am on my way out again. But was thinking about you.

THEN

So happily surprised to see........

 such a beautiful, lovely............ lady staring at me/us.

Your loveliness is larger than I imagined. Your eyes dance and your smile warms the soul.

 love, seasons

[BonesMS]

Ray talked about how you could go in the garage , put the car on and fall asleep. Whitie thinks how nice it would be to fall asleep in the car. Maybe, she would be dreaming like the Little Match Girl whose body was found frozen under the window of the warm house .She  was smiling as if she had made it to the warm place.
 Whitie  is not gonna do anything. Her son needs her .  She is just talking.

Is Ray an alter speaking to you or is Ray another individual?  This message jolted me somewhat because I had a great-uncle Ray who did EXACTLY THAT!!!!!

If Blackie, Whitie, and Ray are alters of a Multiple, then I can understand what is going on a little better.  I don't pretend to be an expert even though I do have a Master's in Addiction Psychology.  I have only encountered one Multiple and stayed with her during a crisis because the supposedly "trained" licensed facilitator, who turned out to be an N, ABANDONED THE CRISIS because HE had to go to lunch!!!!!  (I was still working on my undergraduate degree and had NO training with situations such as this so I was basically flying by the "seat of my pants" and acknowledged each personality, by name, stating that each one HAD A RIGHT TO FEEL what was being felt in the moment...Anger, Sadness, Rage, Hatred, etc......until the person was able to re-integrate and calm down.)

Given that I had NO prior training with Multiples, I do have to admit that experience was a bit frightening because I didn't know what to expect, wasn't sure what I was doing, PRAYING I was saying and doing the RIGHT things, and it felt like I was exploring the Final Frontier on the USS Enterprise!  A LOT of UNKNOWN territories!!!!!!

Bones

[Ami]

Dear (((Bones))
 Ray is a real person, my guitar teacher.
 I feel like I am split in to parts but am not an actual multiple, Thank Goodness.          xxoo  Ami

[Ami]

Hi (Ami),

I am on my way out again. But was thinking about you.

THEN

So happily surprised to see........

 such a beautiful, lovely............ lady staring at me/us.

Your loveliness is larger than I imagined. Your eyes dance and your smile warms the soul.

 love, seasons

I love you (((Seasons))) You are so dear!                  xxoo Ami

[Ami]

Yes , seeing Mother is the key. Mother is ugly, ugly like the ickiest snake you come upon and say'Yuch" and run. That is Mother, yucky to the core.
 My Brother  said he would pee on her underwear   .

[BonesMS]

Dear (((Bones))
 Ray is a real person, my guitar teacher.
 I feel like I am split in to parts but am not an actual multiple, Thank Goodness.          xxoo  Ami

Thanks, (((((Ami))))), for clarifying that for me.

Bones

[Ami]

You are a sweet lovable person,(((( Bonesie)))))!!!                           Ami

[Ami]

Whitie is having one of the WORST days of her life.  Mother was wrong. It is NOT  black and white. She hates Mother.
 Whitie hates Mother. Mother should have been killed. Death to Mother.
 Mother should be shot, imprisoned. Mother is BAD,BAD, BAD.
 Whitie hates everything about Mother. Mother is gross, gross ,BAD, BAD, horrible, horrible, disgusting , revolting, a curse on everyone, everyone. She hates Mother. It is done. She is done with Mother.
Mother should go to the deepest Hell and never come out. When she dies, Mother will go to where she belongs, Hell, Hell, Hell!

Maybe, Whitie is crazy. Maybe she should be put in a straight jacket and put in a mental institution but she HATES Mother. Do you get it? She HATES Mother. She HATES her. If that makes Whitie bad, she does not care.
Whitie Hates, hates, hates , hates  Mother!!!
 

One day, when God judges with scales Mother will get what is coming to her for hurting kids. Mother loved to hurt kids. Kids  were sweet. Mother wanted to wipe sweet away by hurting kids, hurting, hurting sweet kids. God will get her. God will get her. Mother will pay,sometime. Mother will pay. She won't get away. Mother will pay. She will pay for every time she loved to hurt White. She enjoyed every pain she caused poor lWhitie. God will hold her to it. God will do it. She can trust that Mother will know one day that she couldn't get away scot free.
  Mother, you will pay. You will pay. You will pay.
  AMEN.
 Whitie is going to sleep. God is good. Mother will pay. Whitie can't get revenge. Whitie can't do it. Mother will get revenge from a Higher source. Whitie will rest. Good bye , Mother.
 May you haunt someone else . Whitie is done.
  

[Ami]

 The barometer of Whitie's emotional health is how real she can see Mother.
 Whitie should have a pain chart like they have in the ER. It goes from very light pain to pain out the whazoo.. When Whitie went in to denial she saw  Mother as  a  therapist who knew  answers : a role model. As Whitie heals, Mother gets the face of a devil.
 Right now,Mother is a six on a scale of one  to ten :ten  being Mother foaming at the mouth.
Every time Mother goes up a degree, Whitie has to go through the bowels of Hell to see it. This must be how denial works.
 You go in to denial right before you are gonna shatter  to pieces. When you come out,  you feel you will die all over again. This is Whitie's working hypothosis.
 It is no pain, no gain on acid.

[Ami]

  Whitie had to give her shame  to others to manage cuz it burned like fire and she could not touch it.
 Life has rules. One rule is that others can't hold your self esteem for you.
 Surrender, Whitie, to what IS.

[Ami]

It is SO tiring to try to get your mind back. It is so hard  to love yourself when you were taught to hate and reject yourself for the Fuhrer i.e. Mother(but you knew that).
 One day Whitie wants to feel   centered in herself and NOT guilty, not guilty for being a separate person, not guilty for loving herself first, being true to herself, listening to her needs, meeting her needs. What is wrong with doing that? Isn't that what emotional health is?

Please, someone answer!

[Ami]

Whitie had one of the worst nights, ever, last night. She couldn't sleep cuz of stomach aches and when she did, she had nightmares. Her dog kept barking at odd hours in the night ,waking her up totally.
She got up early just to get out of that bed and it's troubles.

Part of it was seeing her Mother more and more clearly. Also, seeing that she had made everyone her Mother. She could see how every person's approval was a test of her worth just as her M's love was always the prize which would give her value.
 
She saw how she had no value unless it was in taking care of others, giving to others. She had to push her needs away in order not to be BAD and SELFISH.

She realized that she wants her needs.She can fufill  them. What is wrong with that?

[Ami]

Whitie guesses she is a classic co-dependent. It is not that bad, considering what you could have had coming from her crazy M.
Why does it seem that she is GOOD when she is co-dependent and BAD when she is confident, strong, independent, loving herself, respecting herself and taking care of her OWN needs. It feels like she is BAD when she does this. Isn' t this what emotional health IS?