Blackie/Whitie

[Ami]

Was ALL this stuff Whitie  believed just lies-huh? Could  All the pain, trauma, unrelenting stress be from lies?
Whitie is opening her eyes to a new world   : the REAL world,perhaps?
Take just one lie; there are perfect people OR flawed people,no in between. Whitie believed that .


 

[Ami]

.
As a small child, Whitie asked ladies  on the trolley, store,  street, park ,everywhere,"Will you take me home and be my Mother?"
 Whitie is still asking the same  question .
 Whitie asks and asks and asks until she is tired and bone weary and seems to get nowhere
She is screaming for help from her deepest gut. ""PLEEEEASE help me", she screams and screams and screams but on her face is a smile.
 

[Ami]

 The BAD is diminishing.It doesn't  scream so loudly and if it does Whitie ignores it. Whitie does not take it's word for things like she used to.
 Maybe , people take for granted being in their own bodies  but to Whitie it is like a day at Disney World. It is free  and alive to have YOUR own thoughts, not Mother's .

Today, Whitie went out to breakfast with 4 people. Life is  different than what  Mother said. She see's Mother's face.  Mother was going around on a gerbil wheel with thousands of distortions. Mother couldn't make it off the gerbil wheel even though Mother had decades of therapy.
 Mother diagnosed herself as PTSD. She paid her money ,got her diagnosis and stayed the same.

[Ami]

Whitie feels so sad for her life with Mother, all the pain and all the pain Mother had. I don't think Mother could help how she acted in the larger scheme.
She was driven by dark things . Mother could not get out of the darkness. She tried ways that did not work. I don't know why she never got better with all the resources she had. Maybe, she could not humble herself enough. I think that is what it was.
 She was too proud to go that extra step. Whitie had no resources or any that worked . Whitie was on the ground ,looking up with two babies depending on her.
 She humbled herself .
 

[Ami]

All humans are selfish and egocentric . Whitie just had the sword of Damacles ,in the form of   NM, hanging over every feeling, thought and action.
Her NM wanted to get BAD off herself and on to whomever she could. Who better than dumb kids ?
 BAD sticks like glue. It is a posture toward yourself and the world which is very resistant to change.

As Whitie sees herself , Mother's face comes more and more in to focus. She  is dumb as a brick, emotionally. What can I say?  I don't know how it happened.  I don't think her M was an N cuz my Aunt is fine.My GM was not N like to me.
 I think my M got pushed over the edge ,somehow.
 I think extreme jealousy to my Aunt may have done it. My M stopped maturing at a young age, I guess.
 It is a horrible thing.

[Meh]

Yeah, humans are selfish and egocentric.

I also think people can get satisfaction out of sharing their lives with others, loving others, being in community.

Maybe? In theory at least.



Take care Ami, I'm gonna go chill by myself under a tree and read.

[Ami]

Yeah, humans are selfish and egocentric.

I also think people can get satisfaction out of sharing their lives with others, loving others, being in community.

Maybe? In theory at least.



Take care Ami, I'm gonna go chill by myself under a tree and read.

Dear Helen
 I think the a lot of the beauty in life is love shared between people.
   Talk to you,later!                           Ami

[Ami]

Whitie has to believe that a force greater than she is leading her life(and everyone's ).
 God touched her at the conference in a way that she knew it was true. She has to hold on tightly to that as the days go on cuz old patterns want to come back. The old patterns are lies about how BAD Whitie is.
 Whitie is human and humans are BAD, if you want to call it that. They have a primal nature which Mother said was BAD.
 Mother had such immature ideas about life . Now, Whitie has to try to shed them like a snake skin and SEE with her own eyes.
 Mother  couldn't SEE and FEEL. Mother tried to be GOOD and PERFECT and love but she was stuck in a dimension of her own.
 Mother wants Whitie to be sick so Mother can be the better one.
  Mother loved her with all Mother had to give.

  

[Ami]

The conference talked  about love. It answered Whitie's question about loving oneself. It seems easier to love your neighbor but it is imperative to love yourself . Whitie is gonna love herself.
Last night ,Whitie took a  bath with a Jasmine/Green tea Fizzie Ball.It felt  good  to FEEL present in her own body.
 
Whitie  rejected herself in  order to belong to a family.  Whitie could never  SEE mother or she would be banished. Everyone had to carry the BAD . Mother's emotional needs were first. That was the family rule.
 Mother could never see her own face. That was a rule, too. Mother had to see herself as GOOD and you better be on the same page or else Mother got  scary.

Mother could hurt you if SHE  felt BAD. Mother had to be protected from  SEEING herself. That was a rule.  Mother was scary,mocking and mean. You had to tell her she was GOOD,GOOD, GOOD.

What could you do ,as a kid ? You knew something was not right but no one would tell you the truth.
Whitie held on to her mental health like pins holding  a torn dress. If the dress came apart,  you would be naked so you held it with the force of your being.

Whitie remembers  trying to touch reality ,as if reality were a tangible thing. She would ask,"Is it real? Is it real?" She would look with her heart and her heart would tell her. Then, at 14, her heart turned over to the enemy and there was no more reality ; Whitie was a good German  then.

There is something to Social Psychology. People function differently in groups. It is irrefutable. The group provides anonymity, safety and permission. The family is a group. Whitie's family was an insane group and Whitie submitted from sheer attrition of her defenses .

It happens. It is hard for Whitie to forgive herself. That is the hardest part.
 

[Ami]

Whitie is a nerve ball, her friend, her H, decisions, choices, which way, what does God want, is there a right or wrong, does she see the right or wrong,  her friend doesn't have Jesus, which way, which way,which way?

Whitie ,at least, is seeing reality more clearly.  She has N traits, too.
She thought she was way more important that she is.
It actually is a huge relief. No one is really looking
People are caught up in their daily lives , revolving around their own orbit and that is how it should be. The problem was Whitie was revolving around everyone else's orbit.
 
 

[Ami]

Why would Whitie have the one time love of her life and all these decisions. It doesn't make sense. There is a God and He loves her. Why this?
 She knows the universe makes sense with God's logic.
 Order  has  to be there if she is patient, trusts and has faith. God is love and He loves the orphans the most. Having an NM qualifies for being an orphan , close enough.
 Whitie is gonna trust, trust, trust, take a Fizzie bath, have a Guiness. AMEN.

[Ami]

Whitie  seems like she is tearing herself away from M like pulling  a band aid  when it hurts like crazy . Mother and she were stuck like velcro from Hell.
 She was a Siamese twin with a crazy person and SHE had to take on  the crazy like the twin who dies for the life of the other .
 Whitie has to let the two headed monster go.
 Who would wish it this way?
 Whitie  valued family more than anything. In the Jewish culture, family is everything.
 You just can't always make lemonade out of lemons. Sometimes, lemons are just lemons and that is how it is.
 

[Ami]

Whitie wants to live for the first time since she was 14. She put on  perfume and went out. It feels good to be present rather than endlessly cycling MOTHER, MOTHER, MOTHER, one station forever the same.
 Whitie does not have to carry the BAD, forever and ever for Mother. Mother is not gonna die if Whitie is strong. I think Whitie  made herself weak  so Mother could live.
  A shrink can tell you things like that  but until you SEE  ,it doesn't help.
 Someone can't give you the answers from the teachers book.
 

[Ami]

Whitie was up in the middle of the night, insomnia, but it was from happiness . Her friend has boundaries . Whitie never had a relationship with boundaries.She thought she was bad if SHE had them.
 One of Mother's high crimes was having boundaries. Mother wanted Whitie's identity leaking like a boat with a hole. Mother  told Whitie she was too dependent, thought like a child, and was incompetent but Mother was DOING it.
 Whitie lived an insane life. Whitie knew something was crazy but she didn't know what.
 

Whitie got another piece of the puzzle. Yesterday, she SAW a girls motives with her own eyes. Mother never wanted Whitie to SEE. Whitie SAW a girl's jealously without thinking Whitie was BAD for SEEING it.

It sounds crazy, I know, but Mother's rein on Whitie was down to the cellular level. Whities thoughts were monitored by Mother, every one of them  

I really can't believe Whitie can even heal with all this layered mess.
 

[Ami]

Inside Little Ami is nasty and mean Ami. This is the BAD one.  Mother said if you think or feel bad things,  you are BAD . If you try to hide it, you are a hypocrite. A hypocrite is BAAAAAAAAAD.
 If Whitie wanted to be gracious, Mother would give her bad smirks."Who do you think YOU are, Miss Uppity--huh?"
 Mother wanted to make you spill your guts in some ugly and humiliating way and called that honesty.
 There are social conventions and they make people comfortable. Is that hypocritical?
If Whitie does not want to spill  her nasty  meanness on the floor, does THAT make her a hypocrite ? Does she have to pay penace cuz she thinks and feels less than PERFECT things?
 Does anyone get this craziness or is it unique to Whitie?
 Are there people in the world who can THINK and FEEL without punishing themselves?
Whitie is so tired of this, so,so tired.