Blackie/Whitie

[Ami]

Whitie MIGHT be coming out of this craziness
 Maybe Nasty and Mean Ami is just part of all people. Maybe, it is what is called the primal nature.
  Whitie is so tired, running from Mother her whole life, Mother, Mother, pain, pain, what to do, , BAD, tired, tired.
  Mother is in her head, can never get away,always hurting , always smirking and raging at Whitie, always, always.

[Ami]

 Little Ami had many parts that  Mother hated.
 Mother hated Needy Ami, Nasty Ami, Mean Ami and, Independent Ami.
 Whitie had to put them in the BAD box in order to even live, I think.
 How could she be banished from her family ? She would rather die or go insane.
 She went insane and almost died.

Whitie still can't believe it was that CRAZY. She lived in a nice house,  went to school, lived in the same neighborhood her whole life( and her parents are still there), had extended family, family holidays, music lessons. How could all that normality have such a core of craziness?

Whitie wonders if she is making it up but it becomes increasingly true to her that her Mother was really, really crazy  : her mother , the therapist.
 Can you see why Whitie got so self doubting,  self hating? What could she do when her outer world was so insane ?
 Can you understand?

[Ami]

Little Ami became BAD at 14. She gave up when her Father said her Mother was GOOD. She spun out of control and woke up as a clone in a Stephen King book.
 She could not FEEL or THINK anymore.She was in shock.
  She went in to shock at 14 and lived the rest of her life, up until now, in shock.
 That accounts for the  mindless choices .
 
Whitie forgave her Mother at the retreat . Forgiving herself is harder. She should have SEEN things better. She  could not move in her own behalf,  so many mistakes, mistakes, mistakes. How can she forgive? Her son died. He loved her so much and she didn't make the right moves. Once she married her husband, her fate as an abused person was sealed.
 Would it have been different if she never married. Who knows?
Once you lose your SIGHT ,FEELINGS and ability to THINK, how could you really ever go in a good direction?
You are lost, lost and all you have is lost, too.
 

[Ami]

She would have been BAD whether or not she married her husband. She is trying to go from BAD to REAL.That is the dilemma.
Her husband can't hurt her anymore.
Can she go from BAD to REAL? That is the question. Is it possible?
 Can you really change,  not just head change? We can all do head change. I am talking  deep, heart ,soul, cellular, visceral, all that.

[Ami]

Whitie is starting to get a sense of self. I think you cannot compare. My Aunt's kids had a wonderful mother and I just went out to breakfast with a guy who has nothing at all--family or worldly goods. So, am I somewhere in betweeen or is comparison stupid?

I think comparison is stupid and I think most people agree but do it anyway. Maybe, it is a struggle for humans to avoid comparison. When I was healthier I was happy with myself. That is my goal, now. I am OK on most things that matter so why not just accept myself?
 

[Ami]

Whitie just ate a decadent breakfast, eggs, fried things, toast with butter. It is amazing cuz when Whitie came on the Board, she could hardly eat.
 Her goal was to have to watch her weight and she is there ,now.
 Her Mother was a fool,a simpleton, even though she was smart academically.
 Whitie is totally on her own to try to make sense of herself and of life.  She was neglected and when she had guidance it was "Who do you think YOOOU are?"

[Ami]

Whitie can peep  out from her hole. Her Mother is lost in a world of BAD.Whitie  could not pull Mother out. Mother blamed her for that.
 Whitie let Mother  suck her blood and all the rest but Mother still didn't get better and Whitie was dying, too. It just doesn't work.
 Whitie is seeing how life works in  certain ways ; it just does ,whether you want it to or not.
 It does not have to be as tumultuous and tormented as it is with an NM.

The first thing to get rid of is excess shame, It is a killer.That is Whitie's next step.

[Ami]

Last night, a word came to Whitie--'"creature". It was a word about her Mother. Whitie had feelings of grief overwhelm her, grief and sadness but she let them come and felt them.
Whitie didn't feel as BAD after that.
This is Whitie's Million Dollar Question----Are we all BAD down deep? Don't be mad if Whitie has asked it a 1000 times.  What can she do? Lie??
When she answers the question, she won't ask it anymore, OOOOOKKKKKKK?


In the old days ,when Whitie knew she was OK, she didn't need to ask foolish questions like this. She knew she was human .Her feelings  added  to her understanding of human nature- duh?
 It was  simple without  the layers of BAD
 The layers are cult programming .Once the programming is complete, you are  lost to yourself, perhaps forever.That happened at 14 for Whitie. Prior to that , she had a tangible self. She thinks back on how wonderful it felt to feel REAL and THERE. Does anyone know what I mean?
 
Some people may be lost before they even get a self. Some people never lose it. In "The Primal Scream", Janov talks about  True Self and False Self. When a person has enough assaults , he becomes a False Self.
 Primal Therapy takes you back to your True Self.
 Whitie would go ,if she could fly

Alice Miller says you can find your True Self by following your heart. She did Primal Therapy and thinks it is good but can be dangerous,too. Primal Therapy strips off your defenses,fast.
People have freaked out.
Alice says your defenses will come off slowly, if you follow your heart.
Whitie   is not out of the hole yet, so will reserve judgment.
 

[Ami]

What do you do when your Mother is a creature?  Many Board members KNOW what this is like. We are a small group, perhaps ,but we have each other, Thank Goodness. Thanks to Dr G.
 I would never known what N was.
 I just felt like I was IN  a huge ball of horrible goop that I could never decipher,never understand. It  felt horrible down to every cell in my body.

[Ami]

Whitie has rejected herself down to the very cells.She hated her basic, primal  nature. You can't live very well when you go two steps forward and one step back as your normal walking pattern 

[Ami]

Today was very hard. First, she saw that her M WAS a creature. Her F  supported her NM with unquestioning loyalty---Heil Hitler.
Then(this hurts so badly I can hardly write) Whitie had an encounter with her guitar teacher. He told her  that he could see her progress and he admired her .Also,he could see that her H blamed HER for everything rather than change himself.
 Her guitar teacher SAW all of a sudden Whitie's reality and when he did, Whitie SAW it ,too.
  It was strange, awful. She saw in Ray's eyes, her world. She saw how pitiful it was.
 She saw that she WAS an abused woman.  It was REAL.
Her H is not gonna change. He wants her back, weak and LOVING. He wants her  to be loving. How can she be?
How did Whitie lose her soul, so?
How did she lose everything when she had so much promise  back a long,long time ago .
Whitie became a THING. She is a THING.

This is the worst part. Her H has structured her whole life so HE is the good one and she is the nut ? How could she have become an abused wife, too afraid to leave, a pitiful person who can't move in her own behalf?
 
 It is too much, being betrayed by everyone. mother, father, husband, son dying. Whitie just wanted to be GOOD. How could it have all come down at her feet like so much refuse.  Her mind is not  right to handle all this.



Her H was in the car, blaming her that she didn't love him. What does he expect. He molested her son and her son killed himself. She is here, with this. She  is pitiful.
She is everything she always hated and she is it, now, all of it.

[Ami]

Last night , at the drinking group, Whitie could not even interact. She went to another table and talked on the cell phone.H her whole life was structured by her H( and mother??????) for her to be BAD, CRAZY.She filled the role in THEIR play.
 How did she stay like this? She believed she was BAD. That is how and why.
 An abused person may protest  about her abuse but she believes she is BAD or she would not be there,basically
 Help her sense of self. It all comes down to sense of self. Whitie knows these things.

[Ami]

Whitie had a bad stomachache all last night. Being strong and self loving was selfish.  Selfish was  sick, sick, sick . That was how her Mother got her.
 Selfish was sick in some scary way like you were really baaaaaad.  They all wanted Whitie to roll over and be road kill.  At 14, she became numb, unseeing, unthinking road kill. No wonder she ended up here, repeating her role as sick and bad.
It is amazing how FOO patterns repeat like clockwork  from Hell.
Her friend changed the paradigm , somehow, by seeing  her :all the ick . There was a LOT:  sobbing, emoting, off the wall and off the  ceiling ick. Helen, he took my ick.
 Someone can love you beyond the ick.

[Ami]

In order to have Whitie's Mother and Father(  the mindless co-signer of bullshit), Whitie HAD to morph . What could she have done, left home as a 3 year old ?
 Whitie gave her life for all of them and that was what they wanted--road kill. If you were NOT road kill, they made YOU the crazy and BAAD  one. This must be gaslighting  

They did not Whitie to be STRONG. They wanted her to be impotent but kept ridiculing her when she was. Tell me how someone can be sane in this?
Is it possible? Was it her fault she was a nut, and a bad one?

[Meh]

Helen, he took my ick.
 Someone can love you beyond the ick.

Good Morning Ami! Hope you are well.