Blackie/Whitie

[Ami]

Right now, Whitie's body wants to cry. Her soul wants to cry. Her cells want to cry. She is exhausted. For anyone that went back in their body : is this how it is?


She must be getting better. She is having memories that have emotions with them from BEFORE she went numb. She could not access emotions with the memories before.

[Ami]

Blackie used to sit with her own evil when she was young. Yuch--what yucky things are within the human. You have to accept it or be the receptacle of other people's evil. Not everyone will throw their evil on you but the ones who don't own it  will. Sometimes, everyone will.
Blackie knew that. That is why she had to die and Whitie had to take over. Blackie knew too much for a kid with a Wacko Mother and a Father who would never defend her. She knew too much.
Whitie was born when they were 14.Whitie is numb. Whitie is a big, smiley,  giving ,considerate false self. It is not that all Whitie's traits are bad. They are not. It is just that she is stuck in them. Being stuck is dangerous. It is like being in a car which only has one speed. How you gonna merge with the traffic? How you gonna drive on the highway, city traffic? How you gonna F ing drive at all?

[Ami]

 Whitie is letting Blackie tell her about evil. Blackie can see it .
 Blackie can see real. Blackie can learn.
 Whitie is very tired, today.

[Ami]

 Blackie is very insightful.
 Blackie can look in to someone's eyes and know them.
 She had this from a little kid until she went numb at 14 .
 
 Blackie would not have been abused.She had a basic pride in herself.
 She was smart and had  a sense of who she was.She liked herself. Why not?
 She was put on earth to express who SHE was, not try to be someone else.

 

[Ami]

What is emotional health? Maybe , a fierce loyalty to yourself. It is impossible to take care of the world.  
Blackie wants to live the  truth.
If Blackie writes an autobiography it will be called  "Truth Can Be A Ball Buster But Lies Are Worse" By Blackie Van Buren.

[Ami]

 Whitie  is meek, "this old thing", never has anger, always understands, always FORGIVES. To be an abused person, you have to FORGIVE . Blackie died at 14.
Whitie went on, married an abusive man and has stayed there.
 Blackie thinks it is the biggest bullshit going but Blackie is not strong enough to make a difference yet.

Ami is the adult. She is  present and can figure out things in a logical and real way. Blackie is more "F U. Sometimes, that is not what is called for. Ami is strong and  not overly shamed but does not have the same  fighting spirit as Blackie. Blacke has a teens confidence.

Ami is very good to have around. I think she just came out in a real, workable way last week at the memorial service. She made a dumb joke and a few people laughed but she was not shamed. She can make a mistake and laugh at herself. So, what?
Ami can handle things cuz  she is not recycling in  Mother's bullshit.  Being there is new for us.
 We have been lost in the past, all the time.

[Ami]

Terrified Ami is stuck in the past with Mother raging and smirking . She wants to die. It was so horrible and terrible to have a Mother like that.
Little Ami comes out when people get angry  or remind her of  Mother. She has profound hopelessness.
  Mother was  evil.
 Mother wanted us to think we were evil. She made us afraid of all our impulses and of letting anyone KNOW what we thought or feel.
 I think we were just human and all humans have the capacity for evil. The main thing is to face it in yourself. Then, you won't have to morph it out on others .


Whitie is exhausted ,today, but going to the drinking group , anyway. Whitie has poor boundaries and does things so people won't be mad.

[Ami]

We have a new person. She was born last week. She is Ami.
Ami was born last week at the Memorial service .
 

[Ami]

Last night, Ami had a wonderful time at the drinking group. She is strong, not overly shamed and can figure out things cuz she is in the now, not  the past.

I figured out what happened when Whitie was born at 14. Blackie and Ami  died. Ami was just about being born at that time. She was  starting the adventure of life as a whole person :  testing her wings of independence.
When her F shocked her at 14, she died. Blackie ,the fun loving teen, died too.
Whitie came out for the first time. Whitie was not there before. I realize this cuz Blackie  and Ami  would not be abused so when we got married, they must have been dead.  

Last night, Ami opened up in a real way to one of the girls in the drinking group. It is a secret about Whitie's Husband being abusive. To the drinking group, he is wonderful. Whitie never told the truth as any abused wife does not.
Ami is different ,though. She did not do it to be vindictive. She sat next to Jean cuz Jean is s/one she admires. She wanted to find out about Jean's life.

 Ami  told Jean about her real life  not Whitie's sanitized  for public  version. Jean hugged her.
 Jean wanted to meet the guy at the next table so Ami walked over and asked if he wanted to join us. Ami has  more confidence than Whitie . If you know yourself, people can't take you away from yourself  that fast.

Whitie is the only one who is married. Blackie and Ami are single. Terrified Ami, of course, is too young to be married. So, we have five, now.
 We can  see Mother better. She is ugly, gross like a pig,cerdo.

[Ami]

Mother's face is awful. You all know that if you have an N for a mother. An NM's face is  just Yuch, especially the smirks. How would you like Jack Nicholsen in The Shining to be your mother?  That is why Terrified Ami is hopeless.  She never grew up.She is back there now, in a time warp .

[Ami]

Whitie feels afraid. All Mother's views were fucked. Excuse my French.
 Whitie feels on the edge of freak out.

[Ami]

 Mother hated that Ami wanted to be moral : have values, integrity, character.
 Now that Ami is out, she wants to have the values she had to throw away when she was younger . That is important to her. It is the core of her, her strength.

[Ami]

When Ami was small, she remembers feeling like values provided a core of strength . They were signposts like the Stop sign. You would get killed if you didn't follow it.
 Values helped you navigate life. Mother hated values more than anything. She would rage and smirk,"There IS no right or wrong". She would laugh at Ami when Ami wanted to be a person with values.
Now, Ami can take the values back. F mother and her stupidities.

[Ami]

There are two parts which cause us the most distress. There is Terrified Ami and Bad Ami. Bad Ami thinks bad thoughts and has bad feelings. The bad feelings and thoughts are everything Mother raged at like selfishness  and needs.

[Ami]

The hard parts are these two--Terrified Ami and Bad Ami. Terrified Ami thinks she will dissolve in to molecules in certain situations like doctors and dentists.
  Terrified Ami worries day and night about these. They make her exhausted.
 Bad Ami feels all sorts of selfish and self centered things. She also has needs from simple things like food and water to complex needs like love, comfort. and dependency . All needs are bad cuz Mother rages when Bad Ami is anything other than a blank slate.
Who does Bad Ami think she is to need anything? It makes Mother rage and smirk badly and it is very ,very scary.

Bad Ami took all the needs and bad feelings and squished them away in a hole. However, things stuck in holes don't stay down forever.If you don't face them, they come up as all sorts of things like phobias.
 Bad Ami is really sick of carrying all this garbage.it is heavy,heavy, heavy.
Bad Ami needs to check out the "bad" thing  with other people. She doesn't have to ask direct questions, just look and see what is out there.