Blackie/Whitie

[Ami]

Ami is gonna get a new name---Jesse Ann.It blends masculine and feminine.  She is present in current time, not lost in Mother's world.  She  sees gray.
 She is gray and other people are ,too. Yippee. You never thought gray could be so exciting but it is.
  Jesse Ann loves gray!

[Ami]

Last night, Jesse Ann woke up at 2 AM. Guess what?She did not feel connected to Mother.  She felt like she had a Siamese twin operation. Yippee. She dumped Mother off and ran away fast, leaving Mother lost somewhere to find her own way home.

[Ami]

Can Jesse be a real person with definite boundaries?
Have you ever seen Jon Bon Jovi interviewed. He does not let himself be defined. With all his fame, he seems to have narcissism where it belongs.
 N's think they are nothing. Little Voices think they are little.

[Ami]

Jesse Ann is with it. She does not have her head up her ass like some people we know --Whitie.
  Mother programmed Whitie like the poor people drinking Kool Aid.
 
 

[Ami]

 Whitie has taken a back seat . Jesse Ann wants to start learning again.
 Whacko Mother had to feel good about herself at all costs. Whitie was nothing but someone to feed her. It is disgusting but that is Mother. You all know how N's are and that is how they are.

[Ami]

Who is Jesse Ann? She does not  know. We all know that feeling  if we had N parents. We had to  go in to hiding cuz the parent demanded all,everything.
 We got through the best we could. Usually, we came out the walking wounded. Jesse wants to feel who it is she is. I know you understand.
 She is gonna look within and see what is there. It is probably icky like much of human nature but you can choose good and that can be beautiful.
 It is a complicated bag.

[Ami]

When I see the Bon Jovi interviews, I see that no one HAS to define you. He defines himself. Some people want to make him in to a super star. He stays humble and won't allow it. Some people want to make him in to a sex symbol. He won't allow that either. He has a core. Jesse wants a core. Who the hell is worth  to define her?
 Who is the person you can give your  self definition to ?
 

[Ami]

Perhaps, that is where mirroring comes in. If you were mirrored,maybe you have a core YOU can see . Without it, who are you?
 You can be mirrored in later life.Dr G's essays talk about this.
  If you are mirrored  you can see yourself .Maybe,humans NEED it to become people accepting all their parts.
 Maybe, it is as simple as that.

[Portia]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((AMI))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

simples.

[Ami]

Thank you ((((Portia)))))))     Love you, Ami

[Ami]

It is very tiring to become real : very, very tiring. It is all about the BAD.  The BAD rides you : chases you down.
 One day, I want to say F U to the BAD, F U!
 It is not the right time.
 The BAD still seems real. It rides me and I can't throw it off .

[Ami]

One day, I will laugh. "You stupid BAD" I will say.

[Ami]

Whitie had an A-Ha experience. Last night, she realized she was a separate person. I know it sounds crazy but she did not know it before in her heart. In your heart is all that really matters.
Whitie's NM is a therapist so knowing in your head means shit. Excuse the French.
 Whitie  thought people were good or bad based on HER not on them.
IOW, people were not how they were, themselves. They were not extrinsically what they were. If Whitie were only good enough, everyone would be good.
This is so hard to explain but I know it has a name somewhere. It is an enmeshment with the external world where YOU can control how other people actually are if YOU are only a certain way.
 They are not people in their own right.
Whatever this is, it ain't good but Whitie saw it.
 There are people on the Board  and in 3D life who will be who they are and if Whitie is the
Queen of England, they will not change. They are fixed in who they are. That showed Whitie that her M was fixed.

I am sure this is a lesson people learn early on but with an NM you are fighting to simply survive so many life  lessons pass you by as we on the Board know.


 

[Ami]

Whitie  found a therapist who works with dissociation.She read a passage in the dissociation book which talks about heroic efforts just to get through the day. She has done that since 14.
 She reached out for help. The  therapist sounded warm and didn't act like Whitie was crazy. Please pray for Whitie if you are a praying person.

[Ami]

Whitie has learned  about dissociation. It is a name to what has been wrong with her. It names all the strangeness.
 Now, she can  try to come out of it.
 There is a person under the numb. There is someone there who is real.
 She was never mentally ill. Her M told her that her primal nature was BAD.  She is seeing that she is human and all humans have a primal nature.
 That was the BAD.