new here and the journey to ths board..

[talia]

Hi..

I didn't know about NPD...until last month. I had been involved in a long distance on/off relationship for 6 years. It ended in July. The search for answers started with that ending and lead me to the world of NPD. I would like to share my story at some point.

I have been amazed at the posts on here...I feel some of you are describing me.

I know I grew up in a dysfunctional family...I was "voiceless"..which lead me to Dr. Grossman's website. My father was and still is very self centered...narcissistic..but I don't think to the NPD degree. My step-mother was alcoholic.

I could identify with many of the characteristics of the "adult child of an alcoholic"..

I guess my question at this point is...is there a list of behaviour characteristics of ACON's??...wondering about the similarities and or differences...of ACON/ACoA...

I have been working hard at healing myself...but I think I need some help...I would very much like to find a therapist...who understands NPD..how "voicelessness" has affected me...so they can help me....

is there anyone in the Dallas Texas area??...or do any of you know how to go about locating a therapist...who would understand these specific issues?.....as I'm sure many of you have discovered...anyone who doesn't understand NPD...is useless....

also, in reading these posts...I have started to become "panicky"...I definately went thru PTSD after the break-up...I have abandonment issues...things were settling down a bit...and I am surprised that in reading these posts....I am feeling pangs of anxiety.....

thanks for any help...

talia

[bunny]

Welcome talia.

IMO, the most helpful therapist for 'voicelessness' and N parents is one with a 'psychodynamic' perspective. This means they are looking at the client's internal world: the ambivalence, anxieties, terror, rage, emotional affects. And psychodynamic therapists can be as mediocre as anyone, so basically you just need a good therapist. A good therapist usually knows a lot about child development because they're interested in the childlike parts of the client.

bunny

[Dawning]

Welcome talia.    

I had been involved in a long distance on/off relationship for 6 years. It ended in July. The search for answers started with that ending and lead me to the world of NPD.

Something similar happened with me.  End of long term relationship got me questioning things.  

I don't know of any specific lists of ACON characteristics but it would be nice to see one too.  From my own personal experience- with mother, aunt, grandmother and father N's - here is what I tend to do as an ACON:

*attempt to clean up the mess when something goes wrong.  ie, letting others off the hook and assuming its my fault so I've got to fix everything and then it will go back to the way i want it to be.  

*fear of being myself/fear of judgements/unable to process the judgement (ie, *consider the source* of the judgement and evaluate what people say; basically take things too personally.)

*inability to set goals


Things are getting better for me.  There are alot of wise people on this board who will share and listen.

Keep looking for a good therapist.  There shouldn't be a shortage of them where you are at.  Sorry, I'm not there.  I would say to trust your gut but be open at the same time.  Hopefully, others will have more to help you with in your search for a good T.   You sound like you know what you want so start from there.  

also, in reading these posts...I have started to become "panicky"...I definately went thru PTSD after the break-up...I have abandonment issues...things were settling down a bit...and I am surprised that in reading these posts....I am feeling pangs of anxiety.....

I understand how you feel. PTSD is yucky stuff indeed, eh? Its no fun to go through it at all....not at all.  And its a good thing that you know you have issues and want to take a proactive approach to healing and recovery.  Those pangs of anxiety usually have grains of the truth in them.  Share more here if you like.

Again, Welcome.  

[lmb37]

Hello,

I am also new to this board.  My story is so confusing to me that I don't especially know how to share.  But, I am looking for answers because i realize I have had two long marriages with men who were both ambient abusers and narcissistic.  I don't want to be a victim anymore so here I am.  Trying to understand the dynamics and what these same dynamics mean to my three childen..23, 18, and 10.  The first husband was father to all three.  I recognise the narcissism in his reactions to them too.

I have a counselor that has helped me see these traits but I am starting to think it's time to move on.  I like my counselor but do not always feel understood or heard.  He is admittedly codependent.  I don't know if this means anything.

I just want to stop feeling like I do not deserve beter.  I am very outgoing and have a keen ability to overcome but lately, it is getting very difficult to see where I am going in my life.

I am looking forward to chatting with people here.

[findingme]

I'm new here, too.  After a very traumatic break-up with the man I was supposed to marry, I started coming to some realizations about NPD as well.  The whole topic is much much broader than I first thought.  I''ve been silently browsing for awhile, & overall people seem to be pretty tolerant & good listeners (oh, that's right... it's b/c we were trained so well!).  

Oh, I almost forgot...  I had someone recommend The Drama of the Gifted Child, by Alice Miller.  It definitely outlines the ACON, but talks more about what occurs.  The best book I've read yet is The Wizard of Oz & Other Narcissists.  You'll find yourself (& your Ns) all throughout the book.  
fm

[lmb37]

Hello findingme,

I don't see anyone else around here tonight.  I am glad you found out this info before you got married.  Spending all of the time I did figuring things out has been quite a journey though and I wouldn't give up my kids for anything.

I'll check out the books you spoke of.  I haven't done much in the way of books on the topic.  Just what I've read on websites.  I am mostly concerned with not repeating the cycle again and helping my kids understand what is happening isn't normal.

I hope we can chat!

[findingme]

lmb37 -

would love to chat, altho I haven't done that before, so I'd have to get some direction.  I'm pretty new to the whole idea of on-line boards, etc. but have found them very helpful in the journey.  look forward to journeying w/ you.  
fm

[lmb37]

There is only one board I have been exposed to and this is similar.  I do have AOL messanger but I haven'y used it in awhile.  It is a free service even without AOL if you care to sign up for it.  I need to go and retrieve my sign on and password it has been that long!

Are you still engaged to this man?  Or have you moved on?  How did you discover he was NPD?  I am trying desparatley to find the pieces to this puzzle to feel stronger about myself.  I tend to beat myself up for the problems and yet I know it takes two to tango.  Besides, what we do unconciously deserves a kind response so that we have the esteem left for positive reflection.  Sometimes it is so hard but I refuse to give up!  I am an attractive woman with lots to share but right now...forget it.

How do you feel about jumping back in?

[findingme]

No, I am not still engaged.  I let him come back once, almost twice, but finally disentangled myself about a year ago.  He kept calling for awhile, saying the usual (he was sorry, he was still in love w/ me, etc).  But by then, I finally saw it.  I found out about narcissism in general when I divorced my husband four years ago.  The psychologist told me he was narcissistic, but I didn't do much research - I just got out.  However, I thought my next man was completely different.  Turns out, just as your situtation, he was just disguised differently.  I finally went to counseling where I found out I had become involved w/ yet another narcissist.  Come to find out thru therapy that my mother has NPD, & that is why I keep replaying the tape.  That is when I started doing some more reading & research.  I've learned a lot.  Like you, I'm happy to be living alone & actually enjoying myself for the first time in a very long time.  I am ready to venture into the dating world, but ready to jump into intimacy again?  Now THAT will take some serious time...  fm

[lmb37]

Funny, the intimacy or sex, is not the problem for me.  I know though, if it goes beyond this into dating, my codependency kicks in and I feel bad about everything.  

Giving my power away seems to go hand in hand with relationship and I am just not willing to go there.  I am so afraid of the whole situation but I like men!!

I try to stay casual and so far so good but I am thinking celibacy may be a good route to take for now.

I read a great book by Sark, Succulent Wild Woman.  Terrific for me as far as getting out on my own more.  It is more of an action book than a "what's wrong with me" book.  I know there is something wrong!  Tell me what to do about it!!  LOL

Keeping very busy helps me and researching this problem with new websites and boards has been a huge help.  This is what has helped me through the past 6 months and I look forward to learning much from this board.  I must be getting closer to my truth.   Yeah!!