The Sex and Sexual Repression Thread

[bean j]

Recently it has come to my attention that sex is a hot topic here in the midwest.  I never thought about it much before, as I grew up in a pretty liberal college town.  Now that I'm living in the bible-belt, a few things have slapped me square in the face.

The one thing I cannot avoid thinking about is sex.  And how people view sex here differently than what I've been accustomed to in the past.

Also, for the first time in my life I was called "sexually repressed."  At first this started off as a minor annoyance, then it became problematic for me, as it was my fiance (now husband) who called me repressed.  I think the annoyance, then fear, was due to getting involved with someone obsessed with a topic I really care little about.  I kept thinking:  this doesn't interest me - chalk it up as something we don't have in common = maybe not a good partner for me?

I know what my issues are.  Abandonment, narcissistic parents, emotional and physical abuse.  Sex is not something that has ever entered my mind as being a problem.  Whether I'm having it or not, I don't fret about it too much.  I have much larger worries, like people liking me, the need to please, etc.  To me, sex has always been thought of as just a natural way to express your love for someone.  I've been monogamous in relationships my whole life.  I have had promiscuous sex, when I was younger.  None of it seemed worrisome and certainly not emotionally scarring.

This has been a sore topic between me and my husband since we met.  I think he is obsessed with the topic, and has been projecting his sexual repression onto me.  I was almost done with discussing the topic at all, since it doesn't fit, I'm just bored with it. 

Then, it became sort of interesting to me.  Only because someone I love is battling something.  Can I fix it?  no.  Can I try to understand?  well, yes.  That is the most I can do, I guess.

In the grand scheme of things, I wonder if most men battle with feelings of guilt about having sexual thoughts?  This was suggested to me by a male therapist not too long ago.  I never thought about it before, honestly.  Also, there is a constant myth perpetuated in our society that a guy will be Powerful if he is with a beautiful woman = SEX. 

Maybe I will never understand men and maybe I will never understand this about my guy, but what the heck.  I throw it out there as a topic for discussion.

[Ami]

Recently it has come to my attention that sex is a hot topic here in the midwest.  I never thought about it much before, as I grew up in a pretty liberal college town.  Now that I'm living in the bible-belt, a few things have slapped me square in the face.

The one thing I cannot avoid thinking about is sex.  And how people view sex here differently than what I've been accustomed to in the past.

Also, for the first time in my life I was called "sexually repressed."  At first this started off as a minor annoyance, then it became problematic for me, as it was my fiance (now husband) who called me repressed.  I think the annoyance, then fear, was due to getting involved with someone obsessed with a topic I really care little about.  I kept thinking:  this doesn't interest me - chalk it up as something we don't have in common = maybe not a good partner for me?

I know what my issues are.  Abandonment, narcissistic parents, emotional and physical abuse.  Sex is not something that has ever entered my mind as being a problem.  Whether I'm having it or not, I don't fret about it too much.  I have much larger worries, like people liking me, the need to please, etc.  To me, sex has always been thought of as just a natural way to express your love for someone.  I've been monogamous in relationships my whole life.  I have had promiscuous sex, when I was younger.  None of it seemed worrisome and certainly not emotionally scarring.

This has been a sore topic between me and my husband since we met.  I think he is obsessed with the topic, and has been projecting his sexual repression onto me.  I was almost done with discussing the topic at all, since it doesn't fit, I'm just bored with it. 

Then, it became sort of interesting to me.  Only because someone I love is battling something.  Can I fix it?  no.  Can I try to understand?  well, yes.  That is the most I can do, I guess.

In the grand scheme of things, I wonder if most men battle with feelings of guilt about having sexual thoughts?  This was suggested to me by a male therapist not too long ago.  I never thought about it before, honestly.  Also, there is a constant myth perpetuated in our society that a guy will be Powerful if he is with a beautiful woman = SEX. 

Maybe I will never understand men and maybe I will never understand this about my guy, but what the heck.  I throw it out there as a topic for discussion.

  Dear Bean
  I don't understand your question. Is it do most guys think woman are sexually repressed? Is it if men think about sex all the time? Forgive me if I am being dense. I want to try to offer my opinion and am not sure how.             xxxooooo            Ami
t

[sKePTiKal]

Hey Bean...
this hits a sore topic for me. Kinda sounds like the same for you. So please, bear with me...as I explore gradually...

for me, sex = intimacy. And hubby of course, sees it sort of like "nutrition" - something needed to survive. For me, it's optional. A blessing, if it exists - but not a "showstopper" if it doesn't. Perhaps that's my age & hormones, ya know? I am 53; and past menopause. I just don't have the physical needs, I used to have. Emotional needs - that's another topic.

It confuses the issue, my current awareness of my emotional needs. Sometimes this trumps a relationship - and the obligations of a relationship. He has needs too... and he's been immensely patient. I owe him. There's no doubt. But, his emotional needs, expressed sometimes physically... I WANT to meet these needs. But, oy!! the fear... and the conflict.  What in the world are boundaries like in this situation????? What do I want to give... vs.... what is "normal" and what are his expectations? What is "good enough" ... What meets my needs for authenticity?

Bean: everything gets so mooshed up for me... there is no clear path... yet, at the same time, I'm aware this is IT...what we are trying to "do"... and so, it's IMPORTANT. There's no handbook. No how-tos. We "make up" what works... and it's extremely individual... personal. I know I'm not sexually repressed. But where does sexuality end and intimacy begin? When and where does it matter? Those are the questions I'm dealing with on this topic.

Sorry I don't have any pat answers. I have to admit that I'm intrigued by your topic.. maybe you can say more?

[Sealynx]

To me the definition of sexually repressed is a little like the definition of "strange food". It is whatever one person likes, wants more of or dislikes that doesn't jive with their partners preferences.

To get technical not all women like oral sex, or frequent sex. They are not repressed, they just don't enjoy it. I have sex when I want a relationship with someone and have no interest in it when I don't. I'm just not that sexual.

I have a male friend who thinks of nothing else but sex and he has yet to find a permanent partner. He is also very picky and very lonely. I do think that having a penis must be difficult. I certainly would not want something that points at the person I'm attracted to...I'd rather be subtle!!   All humor aside... I'd ask him exactly what he wants and be honest about how you feel about that act or frequency. If it is a turn off for you he needs to find another fantasy in my opinion.

By the way, I saw this question asked one time on the "Talk Sex With Sue" program. She agrees with me!!

You might find some of the things on her site thought provoking....   http://www.talksexwithsue.com/index2.html

[nolongeraslave]

I did go through a "very sexual" phase, and I have noticed that some males are intimidated by it or will criticize it. Sure, some will say "I would love to meet a woman like that!", but one's actions may be the opposite of what someone says. 

 I also think that some men aren't honest about their sexual feelings, b/c society will shun them for not being some voracious sexual creature. Let's face it. People aren't ready to accept that some men just aren't that sexual.    I do believe (and have met) men that aren't sex fiends, that aren't interested in casual sex,  have lower sex drives than their female partners, that don't have any interest in porn, etc.

I can get accused for being "crazy" for feeling this way, but that's what I've experienced.

Ha, I never thought of the Midwest as the bible belt! I moved to the Midwest from Alabama, and thought Alabama was more of a "bible belt."

[Hopalong]

[snort] 

Sealynx,
Thanks for making me laugh!

I love the compassion built into the humor.

(Me neither.)

As to sex...the older I get, the more I think it's gonna be a very very nice activity with my geezer husband to be, should I ever find him!

One of my favorite expressions of delicate lust is:

I may be old but I'm not dead. (Said with a pleasant, understated leer.)

We are fearfully and wonderfully made.

I like sex best when it's an overflow of pure goodwill. Affection writ so big a hug can't contain it. Joy in the universe. Our spark of star blazing.

hugs
Hops

[Izzy_*now*]

Sex, wanting it or not, begins in the brain. I always knew who intrigued me that way from appearance, before my body kicked in.

After the accident, was different. It had to be someone who intrigued me but, as well, he had to LUST after me, and let me know, before my body kicked in.

...but just because my body kicked in didn't mean I said Yes!

Now my therapist wants some exercises to help my inner thighs to strengthen, and I immediately suggested sex,      but Criminy! It would be painful!    ARGGGHHH!

[Sealynx]

Hopalong,
If you think about it, the fetus is female and has to become male. During that process the female sexual organs change, grow and express outside the body cavity. I've always thought that had to be the origin of the old adage about bad things happening when a woman grows to big for her britches!!  

[Meh]

All I know is that it's exciting in a scary way to have romances, getting to know people, the whole process of it. Romance is really messy. It's funny because it can happen to older people and even older people go through infatuation and shyness etc.

Sometimes long-married people fall in love all over again.

The last time a guy broke my heart it was thrilling. I felt really alive. Not that I like to get my heart broken, but at least I know I'm alive.

Historically poets lived intensely right? It seems to me, romance is one of the few areas where people are allowed to be intensely alive these days.


I have a couple of neighbors who have loud sex, the MAN likes to yell out peacock noises when they are done. It is so funny, that has got to be the opposite of repression.

[Hopalong]

That's rather adorable.
I would like very much to have a lover who makes peacock noises.

Sigh.

I haven't begun to live.

Hops

PS--totally unrelated, but once at a summer outdoor opera festival I went to, where there were peacocks on the grounds (they hadn't run this festival before)...every time a soprano did her aria, the peacocks just went nuts hollering. It was so wonderful. All these very tony people in their uber-best dress practically falling out of their chairs laughing...

Great memory. (Ultimately, they had to round them all up and move them to another farm for the duration of the festival. It was flat-out impossible for the singers.)

[Ami]

All I know is that it's exciting in a scary way to have romances, getting to know people, the whole process of it. Romance is really messy. It's funny because it can happen to older people and even older people go through infatuation and shyness etc.

Sometimes long-married people fall in love all over again.

The last time a guy broke my heart it was thrilling. I felt really alive. Not that I like to get my heart broken, but at least I know I'm alive.

Historically poets lived intensely right? It seems to me, romance is one of the few areas where people are allowed to be intensely alive these days.


I have a couple of neighbors who have loud sex, the MAN likes to yell out peacock noises when they are done. It is so funny, that has got to be the opposite of repression.

LOL  


I am wondering IF we get our inner child back,can we can feel alive most of the time  like you do when you fall in love.  Falling in love is it's own  experience, for sure.
 I am thinking that the inner child can come out when we fall in love and that is one of the few times society(or ourselves) give it permission.
 You know how you feel like you can play ,when you fall in  love. This is what I mean.
 If it makes no sense, forget it. I can't grasp where I am going with it.

[Meh]

Yes, It makes a lot of sense, romance is play. I think maybe it is because we start to feel safe and connected.

[Meh]

PS--totally unrelated, but once at a summer outdoor opera festival I went to, where there were peacocks on the grounds (they hadn't run this festival before)...every time a soprano did her aria, the peacocks just went nuts hollering. It was so wonderful. All these very tony people in their uber-best dress practically falling out of their chairs laughing...Great memory. (Ultimately, they had to round them all up and move them to another farm for the duration of the festival. It was flat-out impossible for the singers.)

This is so funny Hops!!

[Ami]

Yes, It makes a lot of sense, romance is play. I think maybe it is because we start to feel safe and connected.

My friend said that when you fall in love it is "child" to "child".                         Ami

[Sealynx]

Lol Hopalong,
We used to have peacocks in the neighborhood. Basically they screeched in the night and pooped nasty stuff all over the cars. If you find that lover, make sure you dash out and garage the car!