son of N?

[JPBill]

Me again..still seeking answers that I can run with to get some closure with and from my N g/f. This I know. There are things that she says to me, that I think she's completely oblivious as to how they might feel to me, that cut me to the bone. That evoke hurt and shame like i have never felt as an adult. I have learned not to react verbally to them, but the effect is all over me. I burn inside with outrage and disbelief. Eventually I'm compelled to reveal my hurt to her,  calmly and with a sense of immense shame, usually mumbling it. And thats when the fireworks begin. She will respond with indignation and more shame, at least to me..comments like "grow up" or "that's about you Bill" or "I'm sorry I'm not meeting your expectations". I'm rambling now, but my point is, maybe it is about me, and how easily I am shamed. I feel like a child when this happens. She speaks in a tone a mother uses to scourn a child.
Might this quickness to shame be about my parent(s)? I have next to no recollection of my childhood where my mother is concerned, so I have not much to go on except who i seem to be today. Anyway, hopefully if I read enough here and at the bookstore I can learn how to let go of the shame. Thanks for listening

[bunny]

Eventually I'm compelled to reveal my hurt to her,  calmly and with a sense of immense shame, usually mumbling it. And thats when the fireworks begin. She will respond with indignation and more shame, at least to me..comments like "grow up" or "that's about you Bill" or "I'm sorry I'm not meeting your expectations".

Here's what I see as a "feedback loop": she pushes your buttons because she is disturbed/sick and can't help herself. You are taking in her projections of self-loathing, inner chaos and sadism and trying to contain them for her. Of course you can't do it and eventually it 'leaks out' and you tell her about your distress. You hope she'll take back her projections and process them herself. But she refuses and more abuse ensues.

Bottom line, this relationship will kill you if you stay in it. She isn't qualified for an adult relationship; she is extremely infantile emotionally.

I'm rambling now, but my point is, maybe it is about me, and how easily I am shamed. I feel like a child when this happens. She speaks in a tone a mother uses to scourn a child.
Might this quickness to shame be about my parent(s)? I have next to no recollection of my childhood where my mother is concerned, so I have not much to go on except who i seem to be today. Anyway, hopefully if I read enough here and at the bookstore I can learn how to let go of the shame. Thanks for listening

Yes, the shame is a replay of stuff that happened in your childhood. But it doesn't mean you should be able to "take it" when your gf dishes it out.

bunny

[Moonflower]

....

[Portia]

Bill, I hope you don’t mind if I quote something off your other thread:

I never know who is going to show up when she sees me.

This caught my attention because I wasn’t sure what you meant. Do you want to explain further? Is she very inconsistent?

Also, do you discuss the shame you speak of above with your therapist? P

[Anonymous]

Dear Bill,

Please do not take on any more of this woman's pathology.  This person is extremely unhealthy for you.  

My exNH treated me much the way your NGf is treating you.  I understand the feelings of shame and the need to finally express your unhappiness and then, of course, being told that it is all your fault.

When you asked if some of this might be related to your childhood, I agree with Bunny and Moonflower.  Also, what I found that I needed to look at is, that since you might be used to feeling those feelings, you may unconsciously seek out people that will invoke those feelings in you. I know that that was what I did.  I kept falling for men that treated me like my father did.... and they did not treat me well.

I hope that you run from this woman and I hope that you get some therapy.  It will help you learn not to choose people that abuse you.  

I left my exNH a year and a half ago.  I am currently seeing someone that does not abuse me.  It amazes me that I can talk about my feelings now and be listened to and not told that there is something wrong with me.  If I have a problem with something that he has said or done, I can bring it up and we can discuss it calmly and rationally.  I am not told that it is my fault and there are no accusations or raised voices or defensiveness.  I continue to be astounded that this is what normal is, and that it took 50 years to find it.

Bill, there really are people out there that will not use you and abuse you.  There are !! Take it from me, a woman with three, count 'em three abusive marriages in her past that has finally learned that it doesn't have to be that way.

You will not change her.  She will never miraculously wake up and start treating you like a human being.  She does not even think of you as a human being. You are a thing that is there to serve her.  You have no rights, not even to your own feelings.

I agree with the others that are suggesting that you leave this relationship.  It is the only way toward health and your sanity.  It is not easy to leave.  We are hooked into them on many different levels and the disentangling is both painful and disorienting.  It took me a year before I started feeling like I was back in my own body.  

Please consider leaving this relationship.  Please get counseling right away.  Therapy helped give me the conviction to leave and supported me through the leaving process.  I am still in therapy to work on my childhood issues that hook me into abusive relationships and to learn how to never allow that to happen again.  

I'm sorry, didn't mean to ramble, but I can see that you are hurting and I just want to yank you out of there and send you to a safer place.  Please keep writing to us.  

Gingerpeach

But, I