When You Meet New People

[teartracks]

Hi All,

When you meet a new person and they show signs of wanting to pursue a friendship and you don't, What is usually the determining factor that causes you to decline the potential friendship?

Anyone up for discussion/comments on the subject?

tt

[Lollie]

TT,

Great thread. I guess the one deciding factor for me would be if someone is constantly needy & requires loads of support, but lacks the capacity to reciprocate. In other words, I guess, someone who USES me. Sound familiar?

L.

[Twoapenny]

Hi TT,

My answer is exactly the same as Lollie's!  I've been doing an inventory of my friends lately and there are a large number that I only hear from when they want something, need something or have nothing better to do.  I'm also noticing friends who only talk about themselves and moan constantly about how difficult their lives are when in fact things are pretty good for them and certainly better than they are for me a lot of the time!  When I meet new people now I'm very aware of how I feel around them; for some reason I'm very anxious around some of my old friends and have to put on a 'front' when I'm with them.  Now I focus on being around people who I feel comfortable with and can speak freely in front of.  I also look for reliability; again, a lot of my old friends are dreadful time keepers and think nothing of turning up an hour late or cancelling at the last minute.  Everyone has emergencies and unforeseen events but getting invited to a party when you're supposed to be meeting me for a drink isn't one of them!

I'm a lot more discerning about who I'm friends with these days, I think it's because my self esteem is improving.  So I now feel alright about expecting people to be reasonably on time (or at least letting me know they're running late) and expecting to be able have a conversation with them rather than listening to an endless monologue of their latest events.

[Sealynx]

I agree with the other ladies, but I would add that I am starting to go a step further. I've gotten pretty good at recognizing familiar negative patterns in people's behavior, and I know who to avoid in my current group of friends when they get too needy.

 That step further is that I am now willing to pass on "nice" people who like me but don't interest me. I think for too long I existed at a poverty level where I was so glad to have someone around who liked me me that I spent time with people I didn't enjoy. I assumed that not being used or abused was good enough and jumped at every friendship invitation. Part of finding the real me is now finding people whose presence "joyfully" awakens parts of me.

[Hopalong]

I think for too long I existed at a poverty level where I was so glad to have someone around who liked me me that I spent time with people I didn't enjoy. I assumed that not being used or abused was good enough and jumped at every friendship invitation. Part of finding the real me is now finding people whose presence "joyfully" awakens parts of me.

Wow, Sealynx. Magnificently put.
Thank you.

And thank you for this thread, (((TT)))....

I think: general reciprocity and goodheartedness. It can take different forms (sometimes a "needy" talker brings out a lonesome introvert who likes to listen to others' dramas). At least I hope so, having been the monologuer often enough...arrk.

love
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

OK tt... how and where are you meeting these people who want to be friends?

I ask, because outside of work, family or some other structured activity, I am not around people. I don't meet anyone new. I don't go out to eat or to bars. I don't have a group of people that I hang out with. There is one woman I used to work with, that I'll lunch with occasionally. An old friend from high school that has stayed in touch all these years; we've stayed pretty close. My husband doesn't have a "social circle" either. I'm not currently going to tai chi class...

an old, old friend from the 6th grade found me on Facebook and connected me with other classmates from that era of my life (the Twiggy days). He emailed me awhile ago asking why I was so quiet; not posting... but I explained that I can't just "let it all hang out" in an open, online space... since the inheritance. In fact, I've been advised to buy "umbrella" insurance, to protect myself.

Hubby and I both "know" a lot of people - from "other lives" (or wives/husbands!) - work, things we've been involved with over the years. We've talked about have a Tiki/Pirate party to celebrate this big change in our lives... and went a little crazy with buying fun party stuff... and then WHAM... all of a sudden, we ran problems with whom to invite. There are a select group of people (my support group) from where I used to work - these people won't want to party & drink around hubby's family and the 7 kids - of all ages. And the family-folk wouldn't necessarily want to come to that kind of party. Hubby couldn't think of anyone from work to invite.

And the more we thought about it... well; the party hasn't happened. Hubby's still working, and evenings/weekend are his nap-recovery time; shopping runs (his favorite hobby). We got as far as inviting the neighbors over for dinner on the grill and drinks one night. And that was it.

The people we socialize with are family (it's a big family) - and friends of our kids (and inlaws), when we're included. We don't feel deprived or lonely... or like we're missing out... and neither of us is antisocial. Neither of us is uncomfortable in social situations. But I kinda feel like I've outgrown whatever that "definition of friends" was from ages ago - when we were both more social. We don't like to do those kinds of things anymore. And there was never time/energy, raising kids and working, for any kind of "redefinition" of that relationship... it didn't seem "essential", you know?

Maybe this is "weird"; not normal. I don't know. But making new friends (apart from the folks here for me!!) just hasn't happened for us. Maybe it will be later, when hubby retires and we move... but I don't know that our "calendar" will be all that full, even then! Maybe we just like our privacy and solitude... more than others do. And maybe there haven't been any people we've met that we're just dying to spend time with...

[JustKathy]

For me, with a potential friendship, I'll walk away if the person has different values/beliefs in certain hot button areas, like politics, religion, etc. I have befriended several people who didn't share my beliefs, and at some point, a conflict always arises. I actually had a good friend dump me because I didn't share her religious beliefs, and I can't tell you how much that hurt.

As for people who I have already befriended, neediness is a biggie for me. I had to end contact with a friend a few years ago because her neediness was interfering with my life. She had a lot of emotional problems, and she would call almost daily, crying and complaining, and just would not stop. I would try to be polite, and spend a half hour telling her that I had to get off the phone, and she wouldn't hang up. I had to start getting tough with her, and would just say that I was late for an appointment, and would hang up on her. Then she would call back and leave a long message on my machine telling me how much I had hurt her. I finally stopped taking her calls and emails, and had to end the friendship. I have enough problems of my own - I can't be someone's therapist. If the person is willing to reciprocate, and listen to my problems as well, that's different. But when it's completely one-sided, and I'm being expected to provide all of the support, I just can't do it.

[gratitude28]

I think it is so rare to find someone you really like in enough aspects to make a real friendship. I agree with a lot of what was said here - I would want the person to share my values (especially when it comes to children), more or less the same political views, a goal=oriented person, someone who respects thier family makeup. Recently, I have passed on becoming close to a woman who wants to cheat on her husband, a woman who likes to drink all the time and a smothering mother whose kids are impossible to be around. They are all very nice people... but I just can't jump those hurdles.
I have found a lovely friend... there are somethings I don't understand about her, but we have respect and are able to talk about those things and understand where they come from. OUr friendship is new, but our kids love each other, we love our families and we both like to work out.
Friendships are a lot like marriages, I think. If the person meets the main ideals you respect, you can work through habits, or quirks. But you can't change a person and shouldn't expect to.
xxoo Beth

[sKePTiKal]

Time, is the main thing, isn't it? The essential ingredient to any relationship... and that decision of if there will be a relationship.

Another aspect to that, are the different chapters in our lives. As I've moved through mine, I've had friendships that only lasted for that "chapter"... we had no proximity to each other later on and the "context" of our lives changed, so that we no longer had things in common. As people, we may still have the same recognizable "fingerprint" of identity - and attraction to each other... many years later... but the collection of variables in our lives that also make us "who we are" can be very different. At least, this is what I've experienced... I don't think it has to be this way. My friend V being an exception to this process.

[gratitude28]

I have to say, tt, that we have met a lot of wonderful people here. Sometimes it does boil down to time in getting to know the people I meet. There are at least a handful of people I would love to know a bit deeper... but with all of us running around, it hasn't quite happened. Sometimes I think friendship really does have to do with proximity, too.

[Gabben]

tt,

Now in my life, as an adult, I can not imagine not to wanting to be friends with someone who wants to be friends with me, even if they are a bit in the "needy" or selfish motives, I feel joyful that anyone would want to spend time with me. Some friendships are more challenging then others. It is these challenging friendships that I welcome because they instruct me in the ways of tolerance, patience, acceptance and ultimately love; principals that need to be practiced in order to be largely genuine. However, there was a time in my life where I would not bother with these ideas of growing a bigger heart because I was the one who was selfishly in so much need as well as tolerance. I thank God for others that could see through me yet lovingly tolerated me.

Then, there are the N's. They are by far the most challenging, I'm now learning how to love and tolerate, as well as forgive the N's. Very hard.

[Overcomer]

Every once in awhile I find someone who I click with.  Not many.  I have lived in this city since 1980.  I seriously have two friends I want to do things with occasionally.  I have lots of "friends" but we don't do much together.  I will try out acquaintances and I have dropped a couple needy people.  I have also had a friend I dropped because she used me.  She would get herself into some bad thing then she would call me up and give me a lie story then she would tell the person she lied to to call me to verify the lie??  Not for me.  Drop

[Sealynx]

I have two or three close friends and the rest are acquaintances. I've gotten much picker and I don't feel "compelled to immediately respond to people anymore.

Last night a guy I knew in high school contacted me on Facebook. The weird thing is he contacted me via another name and email...and wanted me to contact him at the email which belonged to someone named Bryce when his name is Keith. He was fun but never terribly successful. Last I heard 25 years ago he had lost his job as manager of a jewelry store and married a very strange woman. I have no idea who he is today and that fact that he is contacting me using a (assumed?) borrowed Facebook account and email  is not encouraging!! He won't be hearing from me any time soon!