I've Just Realised My Parents Don't Love Me

[Twoapenny]

It's very strange, but I've never thought about it like this before.  I've always thought that they loved me in their own way and that their problems weren't entirely their fault.  I had a very strong therapy session during the week and my therapist asked me a lot of questions about our day to day living when I was a child and I came out feeling very uncomfortable.  In the past I've had lightening bolt moments where something's really hit me and it's been quite sudden and quite severe, but this was very gentle and just popped into my head this afternoon.  My mum and step-dad don't love me and they never have done.  I don't know why, but it's made me feel calmer about the situation.  It means that I don't owe them anything and I don't have to keep excusing their behaviour and the things they've done to me.  It also means I don't have to keep on questioning myself - I can confidently assume that the things they've told me about myself aren't accurate because they've told me things to make me feel like the one in the wrong rather than facing up to the stark truth - my mum didn't love her own children and my step-dad ony moved in with her because his wife threw him out and he had nowhere else to go.

It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I think I'm finally starting to really believe that I'm not crazy/selfish/a slut/jealous of them and all the other things that have been thrown at me over the years.  Anyone else experienced this kind of thing?

[Sealynx]

Welcome to the club Twoapenny,
I think it dawned on me when they left the house we grew up in without even telling my sister and I that they were considering selling it. They left all of our stuff and many of her wedding gifts for "the movers" to deal with. The movers left many things behind and stole many things.  They did nothing about that and even denied the things were ever there, so they wouldn't have to deal with the ugly reality of what they let happen. If your cherished things don't matter.....you don't matter either.  

As you have discovered there is a good part to all of this........ How could a person who has no real meaning in their life possibly hurt them?? Nothing I ever did really mattered.

Sometimes its a relief when you fully come to terms with how little power you have over them....you can let go of second guessing and pull all that power back into yourself where its needed.

[JustKathy]

It means that I don't owe them anything and I don't have to keep excusing their behaviour

That's exactly how I feel. When I finally came to terms with the fact that my parents never loved me, I felt that I had been relieved of any further obligation to them. If they ever needed elder care or assistance in their old age, well, call my brother, the golden child. I've had a few therapists tell me the same thing, that I'm free of obligation at this point.

Sealynx, my parents also discarded my cherished possessions when I moved out. My NM refused to return anything to me, and eventually gave things away, and worse, gave anything valuable to my brother to sell on eBay.

As painful as it was, I think it's a good thing to have finally come to terms with it. For me, it was like being given permission to move on, rather than continuing to beat myself up over never being good enough. I was finally set free. It still hurts, and probably always will,  but I'm happier and healthier for allowing myself to put that life behind me and move forward to a life without them in it.

Kathy

[Ami]

(((Twoa penny))))))

Alice Miller calls this the beginning of healing. It really hurts terribly. It did for me. I have you in my thoughts , Twoapenny. I am sending you a BIG hug, Sweetie.                      xxxooo   Ami

[Twoapenny]

Hi Sealynx,

What you said about your parents selling up and leaving your stuff behind really struck a chord with me.  I have spent years puzzling over why my mum and her husband said and did the things they have over the last thirty or so years.  I've always been led to believe everything was down to me and I was selfish to expect more from them.  I never told my mum I was going NC - I just stopped contacting her.  She's never once tried to get in touch with me in two and a half years.  I've gone through a whole range of things, from my mum's drink problems to her abusive childhood to possible mental health difficulties (she's not a diagnosed N) and yesterday it just struck me - they don't care about how I feel and that's why they've always done whatever they wanted without considering what it's doing to me.  And the reason they don't care is because they don't love me.  It all seems so simple.  I agree with what you say about someone who means nothing to them not being able to hurt them - I can see now that my mum's histrionics about not seeing her grandson are all for effect - she's never once asked how he was or asked if she could see him.   I feel relieved that I don't need to keep blaming myself for their inability to love me and I suddenly felt a huge sense that I am a good mum - because I do love my boy, with all my heart and I'd never neglect his needs and emotions the way they did to me.  Thanks for your thoughts xx

Kathy, what you say about moving on really rings true with me at the minute.  I saw my step dad when I was out today and it was like looking at a stranger - that whirlpool of emotion just doesn't seem as pressing any more.  I know I'm a lot healthier without them in my life but I've always felt a bit guilty about it.  But now I've realised they don't care that I'm not a part of their life - as soon as I refused to take the abuse anymore I was worthless to them and they moved on to my sister instead.  One thing that struck me was, now that the role of parent is vacant, maybe  there's space for nice, healing people in my life?  I've always attracted abusive types but that's been happening less lately - maybe that has something to do with it?  I seem to be spending more time with nicer people who don't put me down and belittle me constantly - it feels good!  Thanks for sharing xx

Ami - xx and hugs to you!  I appreciate your sympathy and your kind words.  Funnily, I'm not finding it painful at the minute, instead I'm feeling relieved and at a new place.  That might change, I know sometimes it takes a while to really sink in, but I feel like I've known it for ages but only just acknowledged it, if that makes sense?  Anyway, today I am feeling good and I grab those days and enjoy them when I get them!  Thinking of you and sending hugs back, Twoapenny xxx

[Sealynx]

Twoapenny,
Sometimes I can see things more clearly when I imagine what would have happened with a "normal" family interaction. It would go like this:

Phone calll: "Honey, your dad and I have decided to retire to X. We'd like you and sis to come over and see if there is anything in your rooms that you want to take home."

A meeting would be arranged and we would sit down, reminiscing over treasured objects and times past.

Apparently they have no fond memories of me or the times those items in my room represent.
On the opposite end of this spectrum, I once went to the home of a family who had lost their adolescent son whom they loved dearly. They were elderly now, but had kept his room just as he left it. It was like taking a step into the 40's with old perfectly preserved Lionel trains mounted on the wall next to sports pictures, all waiting for a boy who would never return. To them every item was precious.

[Twoapenny]

Hi S,

This is exactly what my therapist has been getting me to work on and I think that's why the penny's dropped.  Her questions have been based around whether I, as a mum myself now, would do the same things.  So it's stuff like "would you drink every night and all weekend and have your children put themselves to bed because you're too drunk to do it?"  My answer's no.  In relation to my step-dad, she asked me "if you met a guy and wanted him to move in with you would you just have him show up one morning and say 'that's it he's moved in' without your children even meeting him before?"  My answer was no.  I was suicidal for nine months and my mum went on holiday twice, once over Christmas, without the slightest concern about what might happen to me.  She bad mouthed my dad after he died and wouldn't let me see any of his family.  She moved my step-dad in without a bye or leave, had very loud sex for hours at a stretch whist my sister and I sat watching TV and didn't bat an eyelid when he turned his attentions on me, at the ripe old age of twelve.  When I had my son she complained that the day was inconvenient for her and when I went into labour at 28 weeks she left me sat in the front room on my own having contractions while she went and showered and changed before taking me to the hospital.  The list could go on and on and on.  But this is what my therapist has been getting me to look at, do you think this is normal, is this what you would do with your child?  And my answer is always no way.  I think that's what made the penny drop

I can identify with the family who lost a son.  They were clearly devoted to him and wanted to keep him living in their home.  My mum has given us back all the photographs she has of us; she leaves them on doorsteps on birthdays and anniversairies with nasty letters.  I wish that your mum had thought of you when they were moving.  It's heart wrenching to know you don't matter.  ((((((((())))))))

[JustKathy]

My mum has given us back all the photographs she has of us; she leaves them on doorsteps on birthdays and anniversairies with nasty letters.

OMG! My NM has done the same thing. She never returned any of my treasured possessions, but has sent back every photograph of me, including all of my school photos starting at kindergarten. And all with nasty notes. What a way to stick it to you, eh? Send back the one thing that a parent should treasure - photographs of their child.

[Sealynx]

My mother has a two photographs of herself on her desk. Both are professional photos, one seated in a studio leaning over a bench and the other as a ballerina. She is about 24 in both pictures...She is currently 85. There is also a picture of my sister and I taken when I was 7 and she was 3. She has no interest in photos of us as adults. It is her own private world with her as the young and beautiful mother of two perfect children.

Unlike your moms she is a hoarder of things. I recently smuggled my father's old Navy photo album out of the house. They are from before he married her and show him dancing with local women in Mexico. He's been dead for two years and I figured that it was only a matter of time before she decided to pitch them having never liked the thought of him having fun without her.

Just as she had no respect for our things, she gave all of his clothes to the yard man the day after he died. It was probably the only nice thing she did because the yard man liked my father. Unfortunately the motivation was simply to have more room for her stuff. She has now filled that closet too.

[JustKathy]

My mother has a two photographs of herself on her desk. Both are professional photos, one seated in a studio leaning over a bench and the other as a ballerina.

This is almost scary. My NM also has two photographs of herself as a young woman hanging at the house, as a ballerina! Professionally taken photographs from when she was in her late teens. Also one photograph of her with my sister and I when were about ages 3 and 2. The same thing. The perfect young mother with her two perfect children, who were at that point too young to have independent thoughts. Once I got old enough to talk back, the photos got thrown away. She only kept the one where she was still in control.

[bearwithme]

It's very strange, but I've never thought about it like this before.  I've always thought that they loved me in their own way and that their problems weren't entirely their fault.  I had a very strong therapy session during the week and my therapist asked me a lot of questions about our day to day living when I was a child and I came out feeling very uncomfortable.  In the past I've had lightening bolt moments where something's really hit me and it's been quite sudden and quite severe, but this was very gentle and just popped into my head this afternoon.  My mum and step-dad don't love me and they never have done.  I don't know why, but it's made me feel calmer about the situation.  It means that I don't owe them anything and I don't have to keep excusing their behaviour and the things they've done to me.  It also means I don't have to keep on questioning myself - I can confidently assume that the things they've told me about myself aren't accurate because they've told me things to make me feel like the one in the wrong rather than facing up to the stark truth - my mum didn't love her own children and my step-dad ony moved in with her because his wife threw him out and he had nowhere else to go.

It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I think I'm finally starting to really believe that I'm not crazy/selfish/a slut/jealous of them and all the other things that have been thrown at me over the years.  Anyone else experienced this kind of thing?

I read this in stunned silence, Penny.  I can't believe how moved I was, and still am!  I know EXACTLY what this feels like and I felt it all over again reading this post.  I just had a moment like this earlier this week and I had such a sense of calm realizing it.  It was weird the way it happened.  Almost like a death of a person that has been suffering for sooo long and in so much pain, this person has just passed away and I felt relieved about it or something.  My Nmom never loved me. Period.  She thougth she did, but reality speaking she didn't.  She didn't know HOW to love a child...now I see this as she interact with my 2 year old daughter, her only grandchild.  Nmom doesn't know how to love her unconditionally and when my daughter gets clingy with me and wont go to her grandmother (my Nmom) she gets jealous and acts hurt.  Like it's about her!

It means that I don't owe them anything and I don't have to keep excusing their behaviour and the things they've done to me.  It also means I don't have to keep on questioning myself - I can confidently assume that the things they've told me about myself aren't accurate because they've told me things to make me feel like the one in the wrong rather than facing up to the stark truth

This is outstanding!  I'm in!

[Sealynx]

JustKathy,
You hit the nail on the head!

"who were at that point too young to have independent thoughts. Once I got old enough to talk back, the photos got thrown away. She only kept the one where she was still in control."

That is exactly what it is about.

[Sealynx]

Bearwithme,
My parents started having "issues" with my niece as soon as she could speak her mind. My sister lives a long 8 hour drive from them and they didn't visit often. You would think they could deal with a few days of not having their routine.  No, it was all about them from the minute they walked through the door. They would demand to watch their favorite news program which came on at her cartoon hour, sending her off in tears. They would object to her hairdo which she liked and try to badger my sister into cutting it, all without asking the child a thing. A child is a THING to them.

My niece is 11 now and it is fun to send her little gifts and buy school stuff for her in the fall. Occasionally my mother will send her a few dollars at the beginning of school and on her birthday but there is never any negotiation about what she actually wants, nor any attempt to "surprise" her. The few times she's made the mistake of telling my mother what she wanted or what she'd asked her parent for, instant criticism followed of both parent and child. There is also none of the normal reinforcement for good behavior like sending her a few dollars when my sis tells mom she had a great report card. It just doesn't occur to her that this merits any attention.

Her behavior reflects the same combination of control and neglect that we were subjected to.

Its like watching a rerun of our lives. No input allowed, just output. Children who are raised to speak to their parents and ask questions won't put up with this....At some point expect to hear,  "Why is grandma so mean! "
S

[bearwithme]

Ah Sealynx, you are so right!  I told one of my aunts that my Nmom left my house dissappointed about my daughter and my aunt said this: "well, maybe you daughter 'sensed' something about your mother that she didn't like and that is why your baby was extra clingy."


I think about how smart kids are and ya know.  It may be true

[JustKathy]

My Nmom never loved me. Period.  She thougth she did, but reality speaking she didn't.

I've often wondered about this - if Ns really do love their children, but are unable to express it properly because of their disorder. Or do they really not love us? Or do they even hate us? I've never felt that my mother loved me in any way. I do think that my co-dependent father loved me, but didn't know how to show it. And ultimately, he loved his N wife more, so made the choice to throw me under the bus to protect HER. So he tried and failed, but M never even tried.