Sons of narcissistic mothers

[Lucky]

Sons can be a Golden Child or a Scapegoat or one moment the GC and the other moment the SC, right? How big is the chance that a son (either GC or SC) will really start seeing his mother is N?
My husband has a N ex wife and their two sons are now 25 and 29 years old. The sons did not seem to have suffered so much from their mother but recently there was a huge drama created by N mother with regard to the oldest son's girlfriend. My husband told his son a little bit about narcissism to help him understand what happened. We don't know if he really sees now what his mother is like. It could be he is still in huge denial I don't know. The younger sister (17 years old) of the two sons gets treated rather badly by her mother at times. I don't think her brothers know half of it but I do know that the youngest brother is playing it all down a bit. Saying that his sister is just being a difficult teenager and that's why the mother is being a bit harsh. This son is his mother's favorite, he is helping his sister out a bit but for a large part he is also defending his mother. His girlfriend has been totally taken in by her N mother in law.

[Hopalong]

Painful subject, Lucky...I relate.

My GC Nsociopath brother came to town to shmooze my mother more often in the last year of her life. Wound up getting her to change her will, slandered me to neighbors/church/nursing home, and went after me to prove I was a "bad caregiver." So, after his decade + of visiting once or twice a year (Nmom would throw parties for him)...and me living with her and taking care of her FT for 10 years...now I'm fighting him in court, to the tune of thousands.

Pleasantly, he's losing. But the family's over.

And in a way, I don't envy him being her GC, because I think it didn't help him become a good person. (Which he ain't.)

The cost of Nism just barrels on down the generations.

I am grateful I at least know what it is.

Hops

[cgm1028]

My brother still is my NM's favorite and she has always babied him.  Its ironic since I was the one who practically raised him, but I think her attitude is guilt on her part since she placed so much responsibility for him on me.  But he can do no wrong in her eyes and she is ALWAYS defending him.  I have to say though, I love him dearly and we are close, but frankly he's a "screw up".  He's 40 years old, a medical doctor and his personal life is a mess.  He's divorced because he had an affair and has money issues.  Now I know he still has a mountain of loans from college and medical school, but he also makes more than decent money, but still can't seem to get out of debt.  He has borrowed from me and our NM.  I have had to put my foot down because he never pays you back, but NM still writes the check and makes excuses.  I told her when she runs out of money, don't look over here.  She can move in with brother.

[Ales2]

Wow - this is scary and very complex family dynamics. I am 41, younger brother is 39. We we never particularly close, but as I can see looking back at my past, my NM kind of kept us separate - so she could manipulate us better. Sort of a divide and conquer tactic. She never wanted us to be close - she's never say take care of you sister or brother or you dont do this/that to your sister/brother.  Too self absorbed to care about how others treated us, I suspect.  Its become routine that friends and bosses treated me badly, and it went unrecognized from her and without any compassion or empathy when I brought it up. I can see now that my blind spot was formed here because I always had trouble getting any support when I'd been wronged.

Anyway, in the last three months or so, my brother admitted to me that he thinks NM is BPD. He found this out while in counseling from his first divorce. His first wife, who my NM despised turned out to be quite alike.  I was kind of pissed that he never mentioned it before, because I'd been struggling with issues and it would have helped. He once said he thought she was "crazy" , but I did not take that careless wording as an assessment. Had he said, I've been in therapy, my T thinks she is BPD, well thats would have meant something. He also admitted that she is quite a LIAR, which I suspected, but I thought it was more emotional dishonesty for manipulation. Now I actually know that she is 100% dishonest, mostly about family finances and other things.

Anyway, we might disagree here a little - I think shes N, he thinks not so much, but we do agree (with the help of both of our therapists) that she has a PD.
For the statistics,  he is on his second marriage and I have just ended a one year relationship but have never been married. He is also temporarily apart from his wife and he has three boys - two from the first, one from the second.  I'm anxious to see how their mothers Nism will affect them as they grow up.  I went through a whole period of discovery with NPD and its been quite a journey, and now I see my blind spot, its both brought me a relationship and destroyed it at the same time. 

[Lucky]

My husbands sons seem to be rather nice men. However their mother managed to alienate them from their father for a number of years. Nowadays things are a bit better. Especially with the oldest son since his mother blew up. Now he seems to appreciate his father more then he used to. I don't things either of the sons is narcissistic. Their father told me that they have been treated well by their N mother but he also told me that the oldest was hit quite a lot when he was a toddler because he was rather wild .